A culmination of all my desired selves
Unfolding brilliant tethers
We mirror each others shapes
Vague memories compile
As our fingers
Dance dance dance
Heady interpretation
Delicious cruel introspection
We are the beguiled acolytes
Worshiping in enemy temples
Soft vivisection in progress
I leave him a trail of broken realities
So that he may one day find
The source of my negation
And shake this psychic debris
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Good start, cryptic middle, focus comes back slightly at end but still cryptic. to me.
I can see two characters in this piece, potentially two lovers.
“Unfolding brilliant tethers”—early on, i’m getting the sense that the narrator is breaking away from the relationship. this line is good. i like it.
“Soft vivisection in progress”—in keeping with the theme of “introspection” and “interpretation”, i reckon this line works, but to me it felt like a final lead-up to the split between these two characters who had been meshed. ”vivisection” as dissection as more “introspection” kind of feels redundant. unclear of what your intent was here.
overall, it’s an interesting piece, but not entirely available. the words are often strong but without sharp imagery, they become too vague and forgettable.
suggestions? perhaps try to make a clearer distinction between the players. and don’t be afraid to show me some pictures of what’s happening.
Honestly? ”Dance dance dance” was my favorite line, not only because it had good rhythm and it’s nothing if not action, but because it also reminded me of the Steve Miller Band.
Thank you for sharing.
it reads easily and has great balance. my suggestions:
“each others” needs an apostrophe, though i prefer “our shapes mirror one another”—something about the sound of “each” ruins the phrasing for me.
“delicious AND cruel…” or “deliciousLY”—again, just a personal taste/rhythm thing.
overall, very “pocket”—just right, not forced.
It’s nice and sounds beautiful, but to the average reader it may be hard to understand without a dictionary ready and in tow…
interesting juxtaposition of images.religious and sadisic.maybe they do go together!We are the beguiled acolytes Worshiping in enemy temples =my fav:)
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