Haiku/Senryu / Face down chp. 4

From the stress on me
From the time I’ve put in you.
This is all I’ve got.

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Smintboyuk avatar General Stranger

September 06, 2008

Smintboyuk

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Smintboyuk reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I’m not quite sure how the title connects to the piece.  The piece itself is also a little obscure, but sounds like you’re talking about a relationship.  Not quite sure what ‘This’ is in L3.  Is it all you’ve got to give, or all you’ve got out of the relationship?  It doesn’t feel over all like a senryu to me, probably because of the repeated ‘From the..’ in L1 and L2.  Your choice of language is also very simple, with only ‘stress’ and ‘time’ being close to descriptive.  The result is it could be about almost anything.  If that’s your goal, then you succeeded.

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OnWheelz avatar

OnWheelz

Age: 17
Loc: Mesquite, TX
Gen: M
Last Login: November 12
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