Poetry / Shattering Woe
Craddled clothes held tightly to her chest
Moist sheets laying underneath her head
His scent craved by her every breath
Her longing is met by a stark reality
“He will never come back home to me.”
Her tears flow like a flooded stream
Reaching for more clothes. No, his scent
Anger and crushing pain is deeply pent
Within her interior. She is spent.
Death is a sure and obscure foe
Who will usher a shattering woe
To us all; the young and the old
The agony brings knees to chest
Coping is what someone else does best
Is this one of life’s horrific tests?
Take it away, she thinks she’s failed.
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It didn’t feel like you ventured far from anything romantic, on a micro level it involved someone near and dear. Some of the sporadic rhyme you used in this came off as very forced, for example: stanza 3 in its entirety. I wasn’t to enthralled with the last one liner either. The message directed to the reader was good though, it inspired introspection as well as outward contemplation.
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“craddled” -> cradled
“sheets laying” -> lying
Line 3, Try ending it ”... craves his scent”, so it’s active voice, not passive. Is it really her breath that craves his scent?
“is met by” -> again, try active voice
“Reaching for more clothes.” -> Is that supposed to be a sentence?
“Within her interior.” the word ‘interior’ is redundant.
“Death is a sure…” this stanza is your best, though it doesn’t seem to relate to the previous parts very well.
The last line doesn’t say enough. It’s short, and only one line instead of three like the rest. I’d tie up that ending a little better.
Good luck! :)
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