Recently I have had a strange feeling: as if in my own city and even in the country I were an immigrant who has learned the language very well but can not understand the people and their behavior.
I miss the 80s Tbilisi – absolutely different…
I remember Omar Durmishidze’s splendid exhibition in the city in those times.
I especially remember a picture “an old fisher”.
An old fisher is sitting on a pavement of a dark street; there is a box in front of him. He has put a fish on this box and looks absolutely hopeless and lonely. He is sitting so strangely that the pleats of his shirt and the wrinkles of his face have the same shape.
When you get closer you start discovering small pieces of hope in his eyes – may be you will buy his fish?
If you get back and look at him again you won’t see white pieces any more – you did not buy fish either.
When you get closer – you see the pieces of hope and when you get back – they disappear.
One may think that it is just an illusion but the more times you do it, the more times you will get the same result.
I was twenty then and I went to see that painting every day.
So I remember it so very well that I can see it, or I can imagine it or I can recall it.
Not only see but also feel that I am that fisherman looking at you from the picture with the pieces of hope in my eyes – may be someone will buy my fish?
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An interesting reflection. I’m not sure I get the relationship between the opening and closing thoughts and the ‘old fisher’ painting middle section. I suppose that is not important, but wanted to point it out.
A few things to tighten up (suggestions);
“as if in my own city and even in the country I were an immigrant who has learned the language” -> “as if in this city, even this my own country, I were an immigrant. One who has learned the language…”
“pavement of a dark” -> “pavement along a dark”
“He is sitting so strangely” -> “His posture is so strange”
“If you get back ” -> “If you go (stand) back ”
“When you get closer” -> “When you come closer”
“you see the pieces of hope and when you get back – they disappear.” -> “you see the pieces of hope then, moving back again, once more they disappear.”
“but the more times you do it, the more times you..” -> “but the more you do it, the more you.. ”
“So I remember it so very well that I can see it or I can recall it.” -> “Therefore I remember it so very well that I can still see it, still recall it.”
I like this.
This is not a story. This is a philosophical musing about a memory event. It is an anecdote. It has no characters, no conflict, no movement. It can changed slightly to be a prose poem or can be a scene from a bigger story. But, in and of itself, it fails as a story. Also, be careful with your grammar and mechanics. There are mistakes. One example is using “get”. ”Get” is a slang verb that replaces many other verbs. Sometimes is it ok and proper to use, but not in this case where the speaker is obviously an educated person. Also, your sentences are long and confusing. I am not sure what exactly your beginning sentences is trying to portray. As a matter of fact, it confused me. It made me work much harder than I should. Most readers like to think but not work hard to do so. That is your job as a writer – to do the work for the reader and make it easy for him to understand your message.
Good luck!
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