You’re quite right. I don’t think Elizabeth’s saw needs to be in the story at all. She should really put it away. Thanks for catching that.
Flash Fiction / The Postman
On August 15, 1924, Elizabeth Ashbrook, sitting on the parlor windowsill, watched a well dressed postal courier park his bike at the family’s expansive estate’s gate and remove a brown paper parcel. Elizabeth saw that he was young, perhaps a few years older than her, 24 she would decide later. His face would be pink with excursion, she imagined, his teeth white and a bit uneven--though not enough to make him unattractive-- and his hair would be brown like her brother’s, though not so juvenilely windswept.
Holding the parcel in one hand and smoothing his well worn blue coat against his body with the other, the postman started towards the house. Elizabeth respected that the civil servant had the pride to walk to the door as opposed to rushing down the gravel lane on his bicycle as though he were like Ms. Snough, her uneducated, immigrant housekeeper who could be heard making a ruckus on the second floor moving from room to room. Looking at the postman, Elizabeth mimed the boy’s previous action, moving her hands down her frustratingly immature green satin dress that she had asked her aunt to make.
The postman was halfway down the lane, each approaching step more resolved and formal. But this did not make him less appealing, instead, Elizabeth’s saw with her mind’s eye a young boy just returned from the war. He would have been young when he served, and no doubt towards the end. Perhaps he had been orphaned or maybe he had been obliged by honor to fight after his friend was killed in a French village, cornered into a burning barn. The more formal his steps the more appropriate it seemed to Elizabeth. The postman would certainly fit in her brother’s uniform that was hung so carefully behind her along the parlor wall.
Taking a French, pearl-encrusted brush to her hair, Elizabeth watched the post man stop and breath with his head inclined towards the ground. The shoulders of the young man momentarily lost its rigid formality before his head snapped forwards, his body straightened with granite resolve. He approached the house and was soon lost to her behind one of the porch’s white-washed Victorian pillars.
Leaping from the window while throwing the brush aside, Elizabeth raced to the door. She saw the man approach through the near-transparent cotton overhanging the entrances’ glass oval centerpiece. The postman removed his crisp hat from his head and tucked it in the crutch of his arm—just as was expected of him. Checking to make certain she was alone, Elizabeth opened the door.
The postman was short. He stood at only five foot six and yellow, oily hair lay plastered against his blotchy, sun-damaged skin. He smiled showing tobacco-stained teeth and when slightly bowed presented Elizabeth with a heavy cologne of sweat and fried fish.
Non-pulsed, Elizabeth smiled at the postman and widened the door. He rose from his position while offering the brown parcel forwards. But before he could speak Elizabeth spread apart her legs and lifted the green dress above her naked waist.
She stared at him.
Silent, Elizabeth took the parcel from his now limp hand and closed the door. The boy watched her silhouette disappear into the house.
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Hypernormal reviewed Version 1 -
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loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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‘young, perhaps a few years older than her’- ‘but still perhaps’ might sound better. When one character thinks of another as ‘young’, I assume they at least mean ‘younger than them’. Also I thought that sentence could have been laid out a little clearer.
I’m sensing disdain about Ms. Snough, being an immigrant. This is set in 1924, so I suppose that’s realistic to a degree. But you risk the reader disliking the character and the whole story.
‘stop and breath’- breathe
Interesting description of the postman. ‘Nice’ isn’t the word, but I expected him to be an admirable character, so well done there.
‘Non-pulsed’- nonplussed
‘brown parcel forwards’- cut ‘forwards’, maybe? It’d work without.
The ending was random. It was shocking, which was good, but it had limited impact because there was no indication that she was going to do anything like that throughout the piece. A shame, because it was quite well described. I’d keep the ending, but lace the story with hints that she’s going to break the rules, without telling us exactly how.
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wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading this. You gave both Elizabeth and the postman the right touch of mystique. You also did a great job of allowing us to see the postman through Elizabeth’s eyes. I almost thought this would be the beginnings of beautiful love story up to the very end. Loved the jaw-dropping ending which was very twisted. I guess the moral to the story is you should never go by first impression, people are never what they seem on the surface. Good Job!
burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting story, though it does cause the reader to wonder an awful lot about Elizabeth’s motives. From your instructions at the top, I figured this was going to be a very objective piece, but it is actually told from Elizabeth’s POV and so we do get a lot of insight into her character. But still, only enough to think she’s bizarre. Don’t know if this is the kind of piece that will get you published for the first time, but it would fit nicely into a collection of shorts.
Technical stuff: “few years older than her”
Few years older than SHE was?
“cornered into a burning barn.”
IN a burning barn.
“shoulders… momentarily lost its rigid formality”
THEIR rigid formality.
“Non-pulsed”
Nonplussed?
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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This was almost like reading two separate stories. The first half I LOVED. It really felt like I was reading a piece written during that era. The only problem I had with the first half was this line- “The more formal his steps the more appropriate it seemed to Elizabeth.” Huh? Perhaps “The closer he came, the more appropriate….”
As for the second half, yeah, it’s an intriguing twist, but it doesn’t seem earned. It’s almost entirely out of left field. There’s nothing to suggest that the postman isn’t what Elizabeth initially perceived him to be. You need to give the reader a little clue (and if you already, and I’m too dense to see it, then I apologize). Even just a line like, I don’t know, that suggested Elizabeth had been in a mental hospital would work. Even if you don’t explicity state why, the reader can infer from the ending that she’s delusional. Whatever works for you, but you have to give the reader something so that at the end s/he can say “Of course! How could I have missed it?”
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
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The details about how Elizabeth feels about her housekeeper in paragraph two really show insight into her character. Very nice.
“Elizabeth’s saw” – should be ‘Elizabeth saw’ – no need to pluralize or show ownership here.
“his body straightened with granite resolve” – great image.
WOW! Wasn’t expected that ending at all! I love it.
She’s quite the character and there is just the right amount of mystery at the end. Well done.
quaintfungus reviewed Version 1 -
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Found this piece confusing. The open ending just leaves me with too many questions. I read it twice and on the first reading I felt that She was maybe an old woman imagining herself as she was when the war happened. The postman was a boy then now he is an old man with tobacco stained teeth and blotchy skin.
She refers to him as a boy so many times that the end seems disquieting. Is she too a young girl? Wht then refer to him as a post man at the end. Sorry I have missed what you were aiming at.
00_Doughboy reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow.
Yeah, didn’t see that coming.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s bad. This is a very cute piece (until the very end) with an obviously young girl on the cusp of puberty coming to grips with sexuality for the first time. The way she analyzes the postman, making up a history for him, is whimsical in nature and typical of a girl bored on what we can imagine as a bright summer day. She seems a little snobbish with the description of the housekeeper (perhaps a flaw that is intended to foreshadow things to come?) but easy to imagine. As for the ending, kudos for having the stones to write it. I get it, it’s controversial but not entire unbelievable.
Good work.
retardedpigeon reviewed Version 1 -
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The facts is what i like about flash fiction, although the description of the postman became contradictory when you decribe him again towards the end, only slightly different with no reference to the initial sighting. Were you aware of that?
There are two spelling mistakes that i could see (breathe instead of breath, and non-plused). Not that this particularly bothers me as a reader, but better to point it out if you were to push this anywhere.
This piece definitely has a beginning, middle and end and i wasnt left with any questions so you gave the reader enough to chew on.
Fast paced and well worded with a solid end (no pun intended) I enjoyed the read, thank you and well done.
Ben
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