Hola, Hypatia! You sneak up on me!
Novel Treatments / Chain of Hope (Analysis)
Chain of Hope
“We are very worried about you,” her dream guide said.
“You are in great danger, you must be protected,” he continued.
Josephine looked around the great hall. There were at least a hundred people gathered. Strangely, some of them were dwarfs, and other unusual manifestations. They all shared the same worried expression.
“You are unprotected, and we cannot look after you in your world.”
Josephine awoke and realized she had been asleep for three hours. She still felt tired and the dream had not unsettled her and so she drifted back into sleep.
“You need a Talisman.”
“It could be anything.” The dwarf spoke whilst holding a thin long stick.
Josephine chuckled at the sight of the long stick. Everyone in the group looked sternly at Josephine.
“A Talisman is a very powerful object – this stick is magical – you should not laugh.”
“Some people use stones, anything that draws them.”
“You must have something you can use.”
“No, nothing,” said Josephine.
She awoke again, realizing she had been asleep for another three hours. And yet again she eased back into sleep.
“What about your locket?”
“What locket?” said Josephine.
“The one in your jewelry box.”
Josephine remembered her Nana’s broken locket. It was silver, embossed with a peacock feather, dented and the hinge was broken. She had kept it since childhood, unable to wear it.
“I remember it.”
“We can perform protection magic for you on the locket.”
“Will it really protect me?”
“Yes, as long as you wear the locket, you will be protected.”
“We will perform the ceremony tonight.”
Josephine awoke again, realizing she had slept for another three hours. The dream remained fresh in her mind. She took out the locket, and hurried to the jewelers to have it repaired. They told her it would be ready the next day.
Later that day she was meeting with Mr. Wui at a nearby coffee shop. She thought it odd that he wished to meet up with her that day, as he and his girlfriend May were going to hers that evening. She wondered what is was that was so important it couldn’t keep until the evening.
Mr. Wui had transformed her amateur attempt at the site into something that could rival Microsoft’s genius.
Mr. Wui was affectionately known as the ‘PC oracle’; he was also an electronics master.
He had been very busy lately, hacking his way through the government’s electronic tagging database. He was interested in how the information was read, and if it could be manipulated. After The People’s Front Party gained power everyone was fitted with a computer chip in their forearm; security then became automated.
When you walked pass a check booth, your whole life was scrutinized in exact detail; based on their information you were given a score out of ten. A ‘ten’ rating meant that you were classed as a significant risk to national security and needed to be detained.
Mr. Wui was worried about the members of ‘Follow the Light’ and wanted to find a way to protect them, especially their founder, Josephine.
Josephine sat waiting in the coffee shop. She smiled and sipped her cappuccino. Mr. Wui would be late, he had no concept of time. She was about to order her second bowl when she spotted Mr. Wui and stood up to greet him. He hurried over to her table and gave her a brotherly hug.
“Good to see you Mr. Wui, it’s been a while.”
“I’ve been kind of busy, he said as he pulled out a chair. “That’s why I wanted to see you.”
“Why? What’s the matter?” said Josephine, alarmed by his worried expression.
Sensing her panic he smiled and added “Relax, it can keep. Why don’t we have our coffee and I’ll tell you later at my place.”
“Why can’t you tell me now?”
Mr. Wui gave Martha a look which told her to change the subject.
“Ok, let’s have that coffee,” she said.
Josephine no longer felt relaxed as she looked at Mr. Wui. Her mind re-played the words of her dream guide You are in great danger. She consoled herself with the knowledge she would pick up her pendant tomorrow.
Mr. Wui finished his coffee and paid at the counter. He re-joined Martha and they left together to make their way to his flat.
“Finally, what is this all about?” said Martha.
“The People’s Front, what else.”
“What about them?”
“It’s only a matter of time before ‘Follow the Light’ will be part of their most wanted list.”
“We are no threat to them.”
“I know, but you oppose their values.”
“Values, huh.”
“Yes values, your site could be deemed revolutionary.”
“So”
“So, that makes you a suspect. You could get detained.”
“Can you do anything?”
“That’s what I have been trying to figure out. I think I can keep tabs on your on-line profile.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I put a trace on your details in the government database, monitor your status. If you become a ten you will be detained at any of their check points.”
“You did that?”
“I have done that, so far you have a low score, but that could change at any time.”
“Christ, I had a dream telling me I was in danger.”
“You won’t be from the check points. If there is any change to your status I will tell you the very minute it happens.”
“Thank god I have you on my side.”
“You have a lot of people on your side.”
“Don’t forget you and May are coming over to mine later. Winston will be there.”
“So we get to meet your mystery man,” he teased, sensing Josephine’s awkwardness with her new relationship.
When Josephine got home her mind whirred with the activity of the day. A couple of hours later Winston arrived and as before he was greeted by Molly and then Josephine.
“Hello old girl.”
“Do you mind.”
“I meant Molly.”
“In that case you are forgiven.”
Mr. Wui and his girlfriend May arrived and they all sat down together in the lounge. The TV was on and the current program was interrupted by a news flash. The bulletin grabbed their attention. They watched and listened in disbelief to the news .
“You know your orders,” confirmed their Commander.
“Yes sir,” replied a chorus of men and women.
Calmly they engaged each firearm and stepped outside of the Head of Northern Command. Directly facing the hundreds of gathered civilian protesters, they fired.
Air Force General Weiss appeared on the screen speaking from his office.
“Over the past few months the government has identified key civilians who we believe pose a significant threat to National Security.
By deploying our finest agents in the field of surveillance and hacking we became aware of their very hostile intentions.
We believe their purpose was to storm these offices at Head of Northern Command and to cause loss of lives. We anticipated their arrival and took the necessary steps to pre-empt their strike. That will be all,” he concluded.
The newscaster continued, “Thank you General Weiss. Today’s shootings claimed thirty-three lives, twelve people are still in a critical condition and five have suffered minor injuries.”
Josephine switched off the screen; she had heard enough. Her face reddened with emotion.
“I chatted to some of those so-called threats on the web the other day. The reason for their protest was a leak detailing the government’s plans to impose martial law, by sacrificing American citizens as a pretext for military action,” Josephine stammered, shaking with anger.
“Yeah well, you can’t argue with the government,” said Mr. Wui.
“What does that mean for us in England?” said Josephine.
Mr. Wui placed his hand over Josephine’s, “For your safety, an end to the ‘Follow the Light’ website.
Under martial law the current ‘Right to Privacy Bill’ will be revoked, leaving the site unencrypted and completely traceable.”
“It’s our only link, it can’t be broken. You’re the PC oracle – what if…?”
Mr. Wui interrupted her: “You could set up forums like chain mail. One person hosts, edits, and then passes it on. All text would have to be in code; it’s so dangerous and complicated.”
Winston sat listening to their exchanges and saw the anguish in their facial expressions. His thoughts became words out loud.
“From the very early days of this revolution, members have had a place to share their visions, worries, ideas and identities only with those found through the ‘Follow the Light’ site. After today the site is needed more than ever.”
“Do we want to live under a murderous government? If you speak out you disappear; you’ve seen the growing missing person’s posters?” Josephine said.
“I agree we do need to keep the site. I will need to think this through. I will delete all personal data, photo’s, emails and data logs. There wont be a lot of information left, but it will be a little safer,” said Mr. Wiu.
“Thank you,” said Josephine.
“What if we do away with digital all together. Adopt an old-fashioned approach, box numbers, personal ads. You know the kind of thing?” said May.
“What about a club that no-one would suspect, a type of club that has a lot of members; say a chess club,” said Winston.
“That’s a little disconnected. It needs to be on-line. How about if we re-create the site by making it a game, we all become characters. The hits would seem normal, the gaming community is huge,” said Josephine.
“No, I don’t like it. You need a license and authorization for hosting a gaming site, that could take months,” said Mr. Wiu.
“As a shadow MP we have our own private network to keep certain information away from the public. Could that be used?”
“Can you access it from your home address?”
“Sure, it’s a virtual private network.”
“Then I don’t see why not. I will need to gain access and see what I can do.”
“How does right now grab you?”
“If it’s alright with May and Josephine?”
“It’s fine by me,” said May.
“Why don’t we all go?” said Josephine.
Putting up with the discomfort they got into Winston’s sporty Mercedes and he drove them back to his flat in Kensington. He parked up in his private garage around the back of the building.
Mr. Wiu and May gave Josephine a look as if to say nice place.
The Georgian style block of flats was painted in white. Around the building stood a row of black painted iron railings with gothic finals which served an aesthetic purpose more than for security. On each of the black and white mosaic tiled porch ways stood two identical clay pots of topiary, adding to the air of wealth and respectability.
Winston put his fore-finger on the keypad and his front door opened. As he walked through the entrance hall the sensor turned on the lights. His computer managed home was the norm for most properties, but it was still a novelty to Josephine.
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77sunset reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this piece quite interesting and too good to let go just because of a few errors. The most important part of writing is to “show” the reader rather than “tell” the reader whatever it is you’re writing about. You’re doing to much telling. Let the reader use their imagination to fill in the blanks. Also, everthing you write shoud add to the story; i.e., no “sideshows.” Build momentum and use description. What did Mr. Wei look like? The most descriptive you got was when you were writing about the Georgian flats (that’s probably the wrong term since I’m an American). Grab attention right off the bat. Many stories are remembered for the first sentence. Don’t have her waking up, sleeping three hours, waking up, sleeping three hours, waking up, sleeping three hours, etc. Package that whole first page into an exciting dream. I would be happy to review this again after you make some adjustments. Don’t worry about grammar and punctuation so much, since those types of things can be corrected by a good editor. The story is everything, and I think you have a great story idea. You just need to revise a few times until it comes out flowing and easy to follow. Don’t give up. You have my attention. All you need is love, John T.
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Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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“the great hall.”—what’s so great about it? how about “vast” or “sweeping?” great is fine, it just kind of sits there. in my opinion.
the opening is good, though. very clear voice, linear. good work.
“holding a thin long stick.”—a thin, long stick
i’ll try not to nit-pic the minor stuff too much. just keep an eye out for missed commas and silly things.
the initial description of the locket if very well done. clear image. good work.
“to hers that evening.”—to hers? to her what? coffee shop?
“When you walked pass a check booth,”—past
“Do you mind.”—this is a question. needs a question mark.
so far, about half-way in, the story has a good enough propulsion to keep it moving forward. The small glitches and missed punctuation slow it down a bit. Again, keep your eye on things like that if you plan on re-working it. This story is also full of imagination, which is good. As far as the “technical” aspect of computers, it reads clean so far. I’m no whiz but I believe it.
good close. tension is building, characters are plotting. well done.
overall-
it reads as a not-so-distant future like Orwell’s 1984, restrictive government, scurrying populace. Also an poke at current times. well done.
criticisms?
the wrinkles that need ironing. i pointed a few out but the whole piece could use a good scrubbing. but it’s doable, if you want to do it.
good piece, good descriptions, good push forward. well done.
cognitivefusion reviewed Version 1 -
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Well it certainly held my interest, and the computer stuff was vague enough to be passable to the average reader i think. it kinda reminds me of philip k dick, it seems to have a very paranoid edge to the tone, which reinforces the intensity of the piece, and the ultimate theme (government control?). some of the ambiguity (this being an excerpt) kinda adds to the ingtrigue as well. It is very interesting to read something that you have no idea what turns are ahead.
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m can’t give you any real insight on the computer portion of this piece, as I am far from an expert. I will tell you that you have a very good story. the narrative works well and flows nicely. The dialogue had me a little confused at times. You only need to start a new line of dialogue when you are changing speakers. If the speaker is new, let the reader know who is speaking. If you have more than two speakers, you may have to identify them each time as to not confuse or hold up the reader. Other than that, this is a very good piece. Good luck and best wishes.
campb26593 reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked where the story was heading. This is your work of art, but here are my humble suggestions.
Put a clock in the room so that Josephine can read it each time she wakes up. Ex: Josephine opened her eyelids and rolled her contempt toward the pointy hands of the grandfather clock. “Three more hours lost to sleep,” she thought. “I need to get up and accomplish something before I lose the whole day.”
Please find a few synonyms for the word “worried.”
Instead of “PC oracle,” use “cyber oracle.” Personal Computers will likely become obsolete, like VCRs.
I didn’t see any technical computer issues that were implausible. My one overall comment is to flesh out setting and character descriptions. The dialog is fast and it needs to be accompanied by descriptions of what is going on around the characters. You can also replace dialog tags with character actions/observations.
Ex: “…that could take months.” Mr. Wui’s shoulders slumped and the loose flesh of his cheeks seemed to slide down his face.
Good work.
tstone reviewed Version 1 -
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”...girlfriend(,) May(,) were going to hers (hers? her coffee shop?) that evening. She wondered what -is- (it) was…”
“Good to see you(,) Mr. Wui(.) It’s…”
“I’ve been kind of busy,(“) he said…” (Shortly after this, Martha pops out of nowhere. It seems that Martha and Josephine are the same person..?)
”...words of her dream guide: (in italics maybe) You are in great danger. She…”
”...His thoughts became words -out loud- .”
”...say a chess club(.)”
”...as if to say, “nice place.”“
”...iron railings <-> painted black with gothic finals (that) served an aesthetic, (rather than a practical,) security purpose… black and white(,) mosaic(-)tiled(,) porch ways…”
—-I don’t see any technological flaws, but I’m also a bit computer-handicapped. The story moves well. I especially enjoyed the beginning, dream sequences. The biggest problem I encountered, as I mentioned above, is with Martha/Josephine. I thought maybe M is J’s on-line identity, but I remain confused.
—-Now that I’ve nit-picked, I will also say that your character development is nicely done and appropriate for this type of story. They are solid and stand apart, (with the exception of Martha, that is – and I apologize if I’ve simply overlooked something there.) This is the 2nd chapter I’ve read, and I am curious to see how you will pull such a large world and elaborate plot together. You seem to know exactly where you want to go with this. Nice.
orangemilkcrate reviewed Version 1 -
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i think your strong-suit here is your dialogue. some of the descriptions are lagging a bit, but mostly there’s just not enough description. but you make up for it with your excellent dialogue.
overall, though, i enjoyed it.
lu.
Enigma28 reviewed Version 1 -
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“I’ve been kind of busy, he said – you need a talking mark after busy.
“So” – question mark after ‘so’
grabbed their – extra soace here.
You know the kind of thing?” – you know ‘that’ kind of thing?
This is a very interesting piece. I think it has a good application in our new technological world. The one thing that I thought was lacking was desription. We have no idea, not even the slightest what any of the charaters look like or is this described in a previous part of the book? If so you should probably put that in your note to reviewers. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help with the computers I don’t know that much about all that cyber stuff.
Keep at it
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