Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Thirteen and Recap (Analysis)

Chapter Recaps

Chapter One – The villain and protagonist are introduced. The villain is mysterious wizard bent on revenge. Twenty five year old Lauriana and her two brothers and two cousins find a secret room. Smoke fills the room and they lose consciousness.

Chapter Two – The five wake up in a parallel world where they find themselves physically altered. Lauriana is taller and stronger, her brothers a dwarf and combatant, her cousins an elf and magic tyro. A wizard (Zeke) offers to help them figure out why they were brought to his realm and a place to stay. We meet Ash, a sorceress and expert on prophecy.

Chapter Three – The five learn they can’t leave the realm until they complete a quest. We meet Dagreth, a dragon.

Chapter Four – Trainers arrive to train the five companions. Lauriana meets her trainer, Mikell and is disturbed because he acts like he already knows her. Marcus her older brother is suspicious. Sheridan meets Gertie, Marcus meets Sledge, Jenessa meets Petrick and Winnie meets Tandril.

Chapter Five – It is up to Lauriana to complete the quest. She grows closer to Mikell. They learn more about the prophecy and what Lauriana must do. She finds out that Mikell has dreamed about her for the last twenty five years and was in love with her before they met. They almost become intimate, but Lauriana does not want to be unfaithful to Ari (Her serious boyfriend that was left behind.)

Chapter Six – We learn a little about the antagonist’s (The Master) past. After reliving the execution of his parents for unlawful use of magic in a nightmare, The Master goes to a small room in his lair and stares at a portrait of a strange woman. Lauriana decides to move forward with her relationship with Mikell since she realizes she may never get to go back to her world again.

Chapter Seven – Mikell met The Master in the Arcane Mountains. The Master didn’t harm him because he knew Mikell would train one of his greatest adversaries (Lauriana.) Ash discovers a prophecy saying that the future of world will depend on the union of Zotara’s worthy heir (Lauriana) and the king who refused his crown (Mikell). Lauriana is nearly killed by a cross-bow arrow. Mikell decides to move into Lauriana’s room to protect her. Marcus suspects something is going on between his sister and the ranger and decides to find out. As Lauriana wakes up in Mikell’s arms Marcus knocks on her door and demands to be let in.

Chapter Eight – We meet Martika who has a meeting with The Master. He insists that she work for him. Knowing she has no choice and greedy to get rewards she agrees. Marcus and Lauriana argue. She tells him nothing happened between her and Mikell the night before, he interprets it to mean they’ve never been intimate. It’s decided that the trainers will accompany Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins on the quest. Lauriana admits to Zeke that she would consider staying in his world with Mikell if they complete the quest.

Chapter Nine – Lauriana takes a fall in training and keeps the injury to herself. Winnie, Jenessa, Marcus, and Sheridan all have mysterious training accidents.

Chapter Ten –Lauriana blames herself for the training accidents. If her family hadn’t stayed in this world to help her they wouldn’t have been hurt. Marcus and Mikell come to an understanding. The Master visits Lauriana in her sleep, but she unaware of his presence. She later collapses. She is healed by the wizard, but needs rest for a few days.

Chapter Eleven – An evil woman, Martika, arrives at the Keep. She claims to be betrothed to Mikell and is there to take him back home for the wedding. Lauriana leaves with Dagreth. Mikell yells at Martika. Lauriana returns. Mikell tells her some secrets of his past. He was betrothed to Martika and was set to rule his kingdom. He broke the betrothal with her and turned the throne over to his younger brother.

Chapter Twelve – Lauriana punches Martika before the woman leaves. Mikell and Zeke share suspicions about Martika and decide to keep the threat from Lauriana. Lauriana has a reoccurring dream about The Master. She meets The Master.

                                 Chapter Thirteen
                                             -1-
       “Wake up, wake up!”
       Lauriana opened her eyes and saw Mikell’s concerned face looking down at her. She let out a sigh of relief when she recognized her room in the Keep. She clung to him as tears started to flow. The dream had seemed so real.
       He stroked her hair. “Shhh, it’s okay now. It was just a dream.”
       Her eyes were wide with terror. “I couldn’t find you. I…” She froze when she heard a knock at the door.
       The door flew open and Zeke rushed in. “What happened? I was walking by when I heard a scream.”
        “A nightmare,” Mikell said. “A pretty horrific one it sounds like.”
        Ash arrived and exchanged concerned glances with the wizard. Zeke sat on the bed and examined Lauriana’s eyes. “Why don’t you come down and sit by the hearth in the Great Hall. Ash will make you some tea to help calm you and when you’re ready you can tell us about your dream.”
       She looked at Mikell. He smiled at her, but she saw something in his eyes that she didn’t understand. A boiling rage seemed to sit just below the surface. His jaw clenched and his posture was rigid. “I’m not going to leave your side,” he said.
       Lauriana sat down next to Mikell on a bench in the Great Hall. The only light came from the fire, casting ominous shadows against the walls. She shivered. Zeke fed more wood to the flames from the pile and then took a seat next to Ash on another bench. Despite the heat from the hearth, Lauriana felt chilled. After half a cup of tea, she felt calm enough to talk.
        Ash lit her pipe and took a couple of puffs, sending a sweet cherry like scent into the air. “I know it not be pleasant. But it be important that you not leave out any details.”
        “Why do you want to know about my dream? What difference does it make?”
        Zeke smiled warmly. “I don’t want to alarm you, but in this world dreams sometimes have significant meanings. We need to determine if your dream means something or if it was, in fact, just an ordinary dream.”
       Lauriana swallowed hard. “The Master, he spoke to me in my dream.”
       Zeke and Ash glanced at each other. Mikell had a distant look in his eyes and his face twitched. How could he be so upset just because she had a dream? As she began to talk, she couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that came over her, almost as if The Master was in the room. She could feel his dead black eyes on her. Mikell tightened his arms around her as she talked. She gave him a tight smile.
       “I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again.” Soon after she made the comment, she yawned. She finished the tea and started feeling drowsy. Within a few minutes, she fell asleep in Mikell’s arms.

       When he was sure she slept soundly, Mikell spoke quietly as he tried to contain his rage. At least he knew that Lauriana’s dream wasn’t the same as his. “I had a nightmare, too.”
       Ash and Zeke looked at each other startled.
        “About The Master as well?” Zeke asked.
       Mikell slipped his arms out from around Lauriana and began to pace. “It started similarly to Lauriana’s. I woke up in the middle of the night in a shelter. She was gone and I left to find her. When I got to the edge of the clearing, The Master had her chained to a bed. He said, ‘You’re too late, Ranger. She’s mine now to do with what I will. I’d like to say taking her away from you was a challenge, but you never had a chance. You’re not worthy of her, nor should you have fallen in love with her. It turned you into a weak, pathetic fool.’
       “The next moment she was in his bed and he was having his way with her. She screamed my name, begging me to save her. I kept trying to reach her. But no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get any closer…” He closed his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temples, trying to drive the image from his mind. When he felt composed again, he asked the question he dreaded asking. “What do you think it means?”
        “I am afraid it means The Master has a link to you and Lauriana.” Zeke stroked his beard. “He entered your dreams to taunt you, to try to shake your confidence, and to get you to make mistakes. I also think that it means he’s afraid. Otherwise, he would not have risked entering your dreams. By doing so, he has revealed himself to us.”
        “Why does he want Lauriana?” Mikell asked, struggling to keep his voice steady.
        “I don’t know. That is what we need to find out.”
        Ash stood and headed toward the door. “I think I know where that answer to that question be. Wait here.”
        Mikell continued to pace, stopping occasionally just long enough to reassure himself Lauriana was safe. Ash returned a few minutes later with a large tome in her hand.
       “I just came across this book of this morning, it be about The Master. I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet.” She returned to her seat and began leafing through the pages.
        Zeke shifted in his chair. “Well, what does it say, woman.”
        “Don’t rush me, you old fool. Here it be.” She took a moment to read it silently. Ash’s face paled. “He needs an heir.”
        Mikell stiffened. “What?”
       “To become strong enough to strike back at a world he feels has wronged him, he must have a male heir. The heir must be created through the union of The Master and his mortal enemy. Without the offspring of Zotara’s worthy heir, The Master cannot become invincible.” Ash closed the book.
        “The Master must know that if he had a child with Lauriana, they would produce a wizard,” Zeke said. “If he offers the child to the Lord of the Underworld as a sacrifice, Mephisto will make him immortal.”
        Mikell felt his anger threaten to boil out of control and began to pace faster. He could see now that keeping the threats to her life from her was a mistake. He was certain now that Martika worked for The Master. She told The Master how close he had become to Lauriana. If it took the rest of his life, he would make that woman pay.
        “Take it easy, my boy.” Zeke stood and put a hand on Mikell’s shoulder. “Just because The Master wants to capture her does not mean he’s going to succeed. The Master is not so powerful that he can enter the Keep; otherwise, he would have done so already and taken her. He’s not as strong as I had feared. I think it would be best if you took Lauriana to bed and tried to rest.”
       Mikell scooped her up in his arms, her head resting against his shoulder. His feet felt like lead as he carried her back to their room. He knew his old friend was right, he needed to rest, but he also knew rest would not come for a long time.

        Ash watched the boy leave and sat in silence a while listening to the crackling of the fire. “It seems that child be destined to be with child. The question be will it be The Master or Mikell’s child? One will mean the end of the world, the other the world’s salvation.”
        Zeke squeezed her hand. “We will have to do all we can to keep her from The Master until she’s ready to defeat him. I hope our efforts will be enough.”
        “Aye, I pray the gods be with us.”

                                          -2-
       He kept control until he reached his chamber, then he began to shake. What had gone wrong? When his hand steadied, The Master poured himself a glass of strong wine. He pulled on a warm robe and sat by the hearth. When was the last time he had felt cold? He couldn’t remember. He stoked the fire and stared into the flames. Sleep would not come to him tonight.
       He hadn’t felt this way in hundreds of years. What was it? He picked up Lauriana’s panties, the item that allowed him to rifle through her mind at night, and clutched it tightly.
       The Master had spent each night over the last few weeks visiting her in her sleep. He watched her dreams and read her thoughts, all preparing for their meeting tonight. Yet he had been unprepared. What had shaken him so much…?
       It was her eyes. He’d only seen that look in a woman’s eyes once before. Hundreds of years had passed but he still remembered the look. Davinia had the same look in her eyes. He would have to be careful now. He was treading on shaky ground. The girl had the power to throw all his plans awry. Yes, he’d have to take precautions. For the first time in all his years of planning, The Master felt a twinge of doubt.

                                             -3-
        Mikell made sure Dagreth was outside her window and then left his love to sleep. Ash’s tea would ensure that she slept until morning. He entered his training arena and stripped to the waist. The full moon illuminated the practice circle and gave the sand a blue tint. A light breeze wafted across his skin. He drew his two-handed sword focusing on the familiar ring of steel in the air. He held the sword up in the air, his arms over head, and closed his eyes. Mikell offered a silent prayer to the gods asking for strength, first to protect the woman he loved and then to let her go in the end.
       He could feel his muscles flex and bulge as he gripped his sword. He swung his sword through the air with a vengeance at a ring of invisible enemies around him. He ran at unseen foes slicing his sword through their bodies. He spun around driving his sword through the next enemy’s skull. The hours passed, but felt like minutes.
        Mikell sheathed his weapon and took a drink from the fountain. Beads of sweat ran down his body as he panted trying to catch his breath. The sun was nearly up. He finally felt like his anger was at bay. He should just have enough time to clean up before Lauriana woke up.
       He watched her sleep. Sunlight streamed through the window giving an ethereal effect to Lauriana’s strawberry blond hair. His breath caught as light settled around her head like a halo. If only he knew of a way to keep her safe. He couldn’t stand the thought of The Master touching her. The memory of the dream threatened to invade his mind. He pushed it away. She stirred, opened her eyes, and sighed in relief when she saw him in bed next to her. She threw her arms around him and pressed her body against his. He wrapped his arms around her.
         “It was only a dream.” Mikell ran his hand down her arm and she winced in pain. She looked down at her forearm and gasped.
        Panic filled her eyes. “If it was just a dream, why do I have that man’s handprint burned into my arm?”
        He swallowed hard and felt his body stiffen. With great effort he reminded himself that the dream he experienced was not was what Lauriana had experienced. Other than the burn, she appeared to be unharmed. He forced himself to relax. “We better talk to Zeke.”
       Mikell told her what Zeke and Ash had said about the dream. He couldn’t bear to tell her about his own dream, still etched in his mind and too fresh. He forced the memory back.
        A tear rolled down her cheek. “Before we go to Zeke would you hold me a minute?”
       Mikell wiped the tear away with his thumb. “Of course.” He wrapped his arms around her and clutched his shirt. He didn’t know what say so he just held her, questions looming in his mind. What did the hand mean? How can he keep her safe from her own dreams….
        After a short time, she pushed him away. He studied her face as he watched her dress. There was something about her dream last night that she hadn’t told him. He was sure of it.
        “I’m ready to go.” She cocked her head at him. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
        “There was something The Master said to you last night that you didn’t tell us. I want to know what it was.”
        Lauriana turned her back to him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
        Mikell grabbed her arm and turned her back to face him. “You’re a terrible liar. Tell me.”
        Her eyes welled up with fresh tears and she sat down on the bed. Her voice came out in a whisper. “He said that I was as evil as he was.” Tears started flowing freely. “Because I hurt Ari and I’ll hurt you too.”
        He sighed and sat down next to her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
       “Because it’s true and I didn’t want to think about it.”
        “Lauriana, no. You’re not evil. You’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation. Come here.” He hugged her as she buried her face in his chest.

                                             -4-
       Lauriana sat quietly in Zeke’s study as he examined the red hand burned into arm where The Master had grabbed her. The whole area burned and she felt a tugging sensation. It was almost as if she could feel evil emanating from the wound.
       “The Master must have tapped into dark powers to leave a mark like this in a dream.”
        She gripped the arms of the chair so hard her knuckles turned white. “Is it safe for me to sleep?”
       “As long as you stay defiant in your dreams. Do not believe what he tells you and do not give up no matter how hopeless it seems. I believe that if The Master were able to reach out and take you, he would have done so by now. The only way he can reach you in the Keep is through your dreams.” The wizard headed toward the door. “I’ll get Ash. This type of burn cannot be healed by magic. She is more effective at treating a burn of this nature than I am.”
        The wizard rushed out. Mikell took Lauriana’s hand. “Are you sure you’re well?”
        She frowned. “I wish you’d stop asking me that.”
        “Then answer the question.”
        “As long as you are by my side, I’ll be fine.”
        He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m not going anywhere.”
        Zeke returned with Ash. She examined the burn and shook her head. “I will do my best but these types of burns be resistant to any type of healing.”
        Ash spread a thick salve on the wound and began wrapping Lauriana’s arm with strips of cloth.
        “Zeke, do you think there will be more dreams?” Lauriana asked.
        “I’m afraid there will be. Whether you both will continue to have more dreams, I can’t say.”
        “Both?” She looked at Mikell startled. “You had a dream about The Master, too?” He nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
        “If you’ll excuse me, there’s something I have to do.” Mikell strode out of the study. Lauriana paled.
        Ash patted her hand. “Don’t you be worrying about him. He just needs to deal with the dream in his own way.”
        Zeke rose and headed for the door. “I will check on him.”
        Lauriana watched in silence as Ash finished wrapping her arm. What could have happened in his dream to make him behave this way?
        “Try to keep it dry,” Ash said. “We’ll change it again after the evening meal.”
        “Why won’t he tell me about his dream?”
        “Because talking about the dream will be reliving some of his worst fears.” She’d say no more about the dream and Lauriana knew better than to try to press the sorceress. “The Master be playing on Mikell’s fear that there might be something out there he cannot protect you from. The same as he plays on your fears of facing him alone. That’s why it be so important to be defiant. Do not give into your fears. Don’t worry about Mikell. He will work his dream out on his own.”

                                             -5-
        As Mikell walked, the ambience of the garden started to calm him and help clear his mind. A light breeze brought the scent of roses to his nose. He paused, closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out. If he didn’t keep control of his emotions, he’d play right into The Master’s hands. If he went off into a flying rage, he would be of no use to anyone and get himself killed. He knew he should’ve told her about his dream, but he knew it’d upset her.
He opened his eyes when he heard footsteps and the rustling of robes.
        “Are you well, my boy?” Zeke asked. The light breeze caused his robes to flutter around him.
        “Where’s Lauriana?”
        “She is safe with Ash.”
        “I’m sorry for rushing off like that. I needed time to clear my head. When I think of what he wants to do to her…I….”
        Zeke put his hand on Mikell’s shoulder. “I understand. We will do everything we can to protect the girl. The Master is afraid of something or he would not go through the trouble of invading your dreams. Invading dreams is risky at best. Why don’t you come back to the study with me?”

                                             -6-
        Lauriana moved closer to the hearth in the wizard’s study and wrapped her arms around herself. Ever since that stupid dream, she couldn’t seem to get warm. “Ash? Are there details about my future that you haven’t been telling me?”  
        The sorceress froze for a moment and then continued to sort through tomes on the wizard’s desk. “Aye. I’ve been keeping some information. I feared that if you found out ahead of time, it could alter the prophecy. I can tell you this, your union with Mikell be crucial to saving us all. I did not tell you before because I didn’t want you to be feeling like you had to love the boy.”
        “I would have felt pressured to like him. Knowing the importance of our union may have made it more difficult to fall in love with him. I mean, I might have fought my feelings harder. I guess I can understand why you kept it from me.”
        Other questions popped into her mind, but before she could ask them, Zeke and Mikell returned.
        “I think we better get to the Great Hall. I can imagine everyone is getting antsy by now. How’s the arm?” Zeke asked.
        Lauriana smiled slightly. “It feels better. The burning’s stopped.”
        Ash gave her a stern look. “If it be bothering you again, tell me. I do not care if it be night or day.”
        “I will.”
        Mikell squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry I took off so abruptly.”
        “That’s okay, I’m glad you’re back. I guess it’s time to face the others.”
        She let out a deep sigh. Every time something happened, her brothers and cousins wanted to know all the details. She didn’t like being the center of attention. Everyone focused on her too much lately.
        After Ash and Mikell left the room, Lauriana stopped Zeke. “Could I talk to you a minute, alone?”
        “Certainly.” Zeke shut the door to his study. “What’s on your mind?”
        “I’m worried about Mikell. I want to know what the dream he had was about. Why did he run out like he did?”
        Zeke raised his eyebrows. “Isn’t that something you should be asking him?”
        “I’d ask him if I thought there was any chance of him telling me. I know he has been keeping things from me that he thinks will upset me.”
        “I see.” Zeke sighed. “Mikell’s dream was similar to yours except that in his dream you were captured by The Master. He tried to rescue you, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t reach you. He left here because he needed time to get control of his anger.”
        “I wish there was something I could do for him.” She dropped into the chair in front of the desk. “But even if there was, I don’t suppose he’d let me. He doesn’t want me to even walk down the hallway alone.”
        “In that regard I agree, at least until we can determine what the potential dangers are. The best you can do for Mikell is to love him with all your heart and trust him, that will help him more than anything else.” Zeke squeezed her shoulder.
        She looked up at him. “I already do.” She took a deep breath and let it out. “You told Mikell that you were concerned about me getting hurt, but that’s only half of the truth. Isn’t it? You’re also concerned that he might get hurt.”
        “You are correct.” Zeke leaned on the front edge of the desk. “You are a perceptive young lady. Has Mikell told you about his past and the conflict with his parents?” She nodded. “That boy has had so little happiness and has never had anyone love him for who he is. I would hate to see him lose you. The other women who have been in his life did not touch his vulnerabilities nor did they understand him. They were selfish young women who wanted to possess him. He’s a legend. He has spent his life helping people, saving lives. He has never had a woman who has simply wanted him for himself and not his reputation.”
        “I’d sooner die than hurt him. I don’t know what I would do without him. He gives me strength. I don’t know what I will do when and if I am faced with the choice of staying here with him or going home. But every day I love him more and I can’t bear the thought of having to make that choice. At the same time, I still love Ari and can’t imagine a life without him.” Lauriana looked down and studied her hands. “I have made such a mess of my life. Most of the time I force myself not to think about it.”
        Zeke clasped her hands. “You are a wonderful, dear girl and I’m grateful that you are in Mikell’s life no matter how long it might be.”
        “Thanks.” She stood up and kissed him on the cheek. The wizard always had a way of making her feel a little bit better.

                                             -7-
        Lauriana picked at the food on her plate. Marcus and Sledge left well before sunup to buy horses for their journey. As soon as they returned, the party could leave. The thought of looking for The Master did little to perk up her appetite. Gertie left for her village last night. The others sat in the Great Hall eating. Several conversations were taking place, but Lauriana couldn’t focus on any of them. Heading for the mountains was her idea. What if it wasn’t the right decision?
        She looked up at the portrait on the wall. Zotara started it all, someone one hundred years gone. It was to end with her. She started at the sound of her name. Winnie was looking at her.
        “We’ve all been talking and if you wanted to wait to leave, we’d all understand. We know you haven’t been sleeping well and we know about the nightmare.”
        “I appreciate that, but I think we should stick to the plan. Nothing is going to change by tomorrow. The Master is after me. The sooner we can find him and stop him the better. I’m still scared, but I won’t let that stop me.” Lauriana set her jaw firmly. “I refuse to let him control what I do. I’m committed to see this quest through to the end.”
        She looked her brother and cousins in the eye, one by one. “I want everyone to think hard before they answer. Do you still want to go with me? This is your last chance to go home. Once we get on the road, there’ll be no turning back. You don’t have any responsibility or duty to me. I’ll try to do what needs to be done with or without you.”
        She waited for either her cousins or brother to change their minds. When no one did, she wasn’t sure if she was more relieved or more anxious. Now she’d have more help to complete the quest, which Zeke thought was important. But at what cost? Now she’d be responsible for all these people’s lives.
        Lauriana patted her chestnut brown stallion and tired to calm him as he continued to fidget. He was the only one rearing to go. It’d been a long time since she had ridden a horse. She checked the straps to make sure her pack and bedroll were secure. She understood the need to pack light, but she didn’t like it. They distributed the supplies and food evenly in case they were separated on the road. Marcus and Sledge had purchased one pack horse to carry extra supplies, but that still left everyone to carry three days worth of supplies and food. If you could call it food, mostly dried meat and flat bread. The provisions didn’t leave much room to carry extra clothes, only three changes.
        She whispered quietly into Spirit’s ear, placed a foot in the stirrup, and threw her leg over the saddle. As the party rode away, she didn’t look back. Would she ever see the Wizard’s Keep again let alone her home? It felt like she had been away for so long already. Her time with Ari seemed like a lifetime ago.

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curtis_irion avatar General Stranger

August 30, 2008

curtis_irion

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curtis_irion reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Ok, so the continuing plot goes on.  I like this piece as I did the others.  I certainly think that it can be better however.  There is more good dialogue in this chapter, but as in a few previous chapters, I feel that parts of it were not needed.  Sometimes I felt like things needed to head straight to the point slightly more.
  I like the idea of the Master being able to enter dreams.  This is a fairly classic theme in certain tales, but one that works.  This fact also sets up the next chapter nicely.  I liked the last two or three pages the best out of this chapter.  It just seemed that the majority of this chapter, as with certain others, is based on just two characters.

Howard_Bushart avatar General Stranger

August 28, 2008

Howard_Bushart Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

First I have to be honest about the numerical rating system.  I think you’ve done a good job so I rated you highly but it’s pretty much a guessing game for me.  Your characters are interesting but hard for me to tell apart.  I’ll not fault that because I’m jumping in so late in your novel and I’m sure they’re developed earlier.  If not, then that might be a problem.

There seems to be a good deal of info imparted in dialogue though that might be better handled in narration.  I wonder if the characters are not a bit too wordy with one another.  You maintain an even tone throughout and the language patterns and character quirks you’ve established hold throughout and that, too, is good.

The dramatic tension is good and your transitions are solid.  Other than a tense lapse or grammatical error here and there, this is overall a very good effort.  I wish you luck with it.

Nitpicker’s list:

“She froze when she heard…” Why would Zeke knock at the door?  Wouldn’t he just rush into the room if he heard her scream?  

The passage, ”... that child be destined to be with child. The question be will it be The Master or Mikell’s child?” is an awkward construction here with the repetition of child.

”...picked up Lauriana’s panties…clutched it tight.”  Panties is plural though you’re actually referring to only one article.  Clutched “them” tightly?

“He wrapped his arms around her and clutched his shirt.”  He clutched his shirt?  Or did she?

“How can he keep her safe from her own dreams….”  You can do without the use of the ellipsis here.  A question mark is better.  Also this is a lapse from the simple past tense you use overall.  Though it may have been used to emphassize his thoughts, it seems a flaw here and is distracting.

”... red hand burned into arm where…” burned into “the” arm.

“He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes” is cliche by now.  It might be best to just say “insincerely” or something.

  

Curtastrophe avatar General Stranger

August 27, 2008

Curtastrophe

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Purely a preference, but I don’t think words like “began” or in this case, “started” are necessary. To me, they’re incomplete actions. I always think of it as “Mikell started to turn on the light.” Does he or does he not? In this case, “…as tears started to flow.” I would suggest either “as tears flowed down her cheek.” or “as tears welled up in her eyes.”

was gone and I left to find her. / gone, so I

I like Mikell’s description of his dream. It’s pretty horrifying, but not graphic.

He asks, ““Why does he want Lauriana?”” and I felt something of a plot hole here. Mikell understands that Lauriana is to fulfill some prophecy, so shouldn’t he logically make the conclusion that this means she’ll defeat the Master? (In some way or form.) And then Ash says something akin to, “Wait! I just found this book.” When someone asks her what it’s about she replies she doesn’t know. But then she reads it and reveals an answer. It just seems a bit convenient, almost like a coupon. Then it goes on about how the Master’s goal is to become “invincible.” Please don’t take offense, but it seems a little generic. I don’t think it’s something to get hung-up on now, but perhaps he wants to “right” something he felt that he was “wronged” in the past. Irrationally he believes this although there is some truth to it. And of course he doesn’t feel like ruling the world would be a bad gig either. ;)

I also like how Mik goes out to relieve some stress by slashing at invisible enemies. I think this scene could be expanded uponhough. Maybe he’s imagining himself fight as he did in former battles—Arrows and spears shooting through the air and all that jazz.

the ambience of the garden started to calm him / of the garden calmed

Zeke explanation of Mikell’s issues with love and intimacy are I think well done. This gives him more depth and shows us why at times he acts in such a manner. Nice. During this part, at the ““I’d sooner die than hurt him.”” paragraph, I’d clue the reader into the fact Lauriana’s doing the speaking. Sometimes authors break up paragraphs but the same person speaking—so this threw me a little off.

Cool . . . Time to start the journey! Anticipating the next one.

-Curt  

oknapp avatar General Stranger

August 26, 2008

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
oknapp reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

She could feel his dead black eyes on her. Mikell tightened his arms around her as she talked. She gave him a tight smile. Hi its Sandi. I have read every chapter of this. When you say dead black eyes it seems kind of passive voice. Let’s soup his face up a bit. She could feel his  cold, dead eyes boring a hole through her.
I like that Ash is smoking the cherry pipe. I don’t know why but it adds ambiance.
I like the fact that the master is having trouble getting to Lauriana. I think it is because there is a bond of love between her and Mikell and he is having trouble geting into her head because of that bond.
t
Why would Laurianna think she was evil? Does she feel responsible for the deaths that occured earlier in the work? Maybe you should recap a little about that. It never hurts to go back in retrospect.
I love the dailogue here between the characters and you do it well but lets see some action. What is the master like. Why don’t you dedicate a chapter to just him so that the reader will get a sense of where he lives and what he is up too. Make him come alive to the readers. This would add so much spice to this work Create a scene where the Master does some evil deed. Show not tell how evil he is.
The only thing wrong with this work is the lack of action and you could fix that easily. I want to say that i rarely see anyone who can manuever through a cast of characters as smoothly as you have . You should be proud of this.
I want to see some action. I would like some dates too. I could help more if i knew what year or century this was. Put the date at the top of the first page . Thats all you have to do. Good luck. I will read anytime you want me too, SANDI

minkymurph avatar General Stranger

August 25, 2008

minkymurph

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minkymurph reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Has the capacity to capture the reader the way this is written.  I got a bit lost in the story line and wasn’t really sure what the plot was from chapter 13.  Has the making of a good children’s fantasy adventure if it where not for the sexual connotations.  Found it difficult to see where the sexual connotations fitted with the story from chapter 13.

Dexus avatar General Friend

August 25, 2008

Dexus Prolific-icon-medium

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Dexus reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I knew it was a dream! :) And glad it was, too ;p

”...sending a sweet cherry like scent into the air…”—cherry-like, but are you sure even that is appropriate? Perhaps just “a scent similar to cherry”

...”entering your dreams. By doing so, he has revealed himself to us.”—How? Because they now know what he looks like? Where he is? Both? Or did it confirm his existence and intentions, rather than just some prophecy?

“I think I know where that answer to that question be.”—Did you mean to have her say ‘that’ twice? It works if it’s what the character would really say :)

“He could see now that keeping the threats to her life from her was a mistake.”—a little unclear, or at least awkward wording.

” Yet he had been unprepared.”—I had to stop and think, try and remember how he could have been unprepared and for what. Was he unprepared for the look in her eyes? Was he unprepared for the result of his entering their dreams? How and why did he feel cold, if he hadn’t in who knows how long?

“He drew his two-handed sword focusing on the familiar ring of steel in the air.”  —Why would he focus on the sound? What does this do for him?

“With great effort he reminded himself that the dream he experienced was not was what Lauriana had experienced.”—typo? Consider rephrasing. ‘what he dreamt was not what Lauriana dreamt’?

”...burned into arm where The Master had grabbed her.”—her arm

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. —I like that line :)

Invading dreams is risky at best. —How? What could happen?

Gertie left for her village last night. —I’m curious how the “goodbye” went

...stallion and tired to calm him as he continued to fidget.  —tried

Another beautiful chapter, and we’re off on the quest! :) I can’t wait to see how everything ties together.

jimthemagic avatar General Stranger

August 24, 2008

jimthemagic

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jimthemagic reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

It is an interesting chapter of fantasy. I must apologize that I am no expert in fantasy, but I shall do this critique according my best knowledge.

I find the subject of the story appealing enough to be published, but it would need work of a professional editor.

At times I was a bit lost in different characters. There were several of them in one chapter, neither did it make it easier to follow the story that the names were quite odd. For example Master mentioned in the text presented evil. I find this controversial. To me the idea of a master is a very positive character and perhaps there could be a wider look inside this Master´s mind and personality. Probably presentation of character is a lot better in previous chapters. By some names of the characters I could not recognize their gender, which is quite important for characterization.

Overall language of the chapter is clear and easy to follow. Many thanks for that. It made the reading an enjoyable experience.

Marvin avatar General Stranger

August 24, 2008

Marvin Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Marvin reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Imaginative, complex, good potential.  

Thoughts: (one man, one opinion)

The narrative moves along, but it’s very sluggish.  Far too wordy at times.  It was difficult to maintain interest, but it did, well enough.  

the first thing i noticed that sounded odd was some of the dialogue.  At times it reads well, the voices of the different characters are distinct enough, but the odd predilection of using phrases like, “here it be,” or “the question be” is a distraction.  as a way to differentiate a voice, it’s effective but distracting.  maybe try to think of another way to get the difference across.  too much “Yoda.”  

“I just came across this book of this morning, it be about The Master”—this too didn’t sit well with me.  i feel like you cheated.  not sure i’m sold on it entirely.  it was very convenient for the scene and for the characters.  perhaps try to introduce this mysterious “tome” earlier, or give it a better introduction than “I just came across this book this morning.”  

The master twirling “panties” also read a bit odd. It felt very anachronistic and out of place.  how about another item?  a necklace?  perhaps a different word for her undergarment if you necessitate something extremely personal, or in this case, something also tinged with sexual allusion?  

Final thoughts-  It’s ambitious and full of potential.  good job there.  i’d only suggest taking the knife to it.  Cut out lines you don’t need to speed things up, or combine lines that read too clunky.  Also, the narrator’s internal questioning isn’t needed so much.  It kills the tension in the story, to me anyway, by taking my own questions away.  give your readers freedom to move around on their own.  

Keep working and best of luck.  

michforoffice avatar General Stranger

August 24, 2008

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michforoffice reviewed Version 2 - Read 53% of the Item

This is the highest ranking I’ve ever given someone, and I don’t even like Sci-Fi stuff (I read Orson Scott Card in high school and thought some of his were really good), but I just don’t like Sci-Fi.  Your story was very well written and tight.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but it was very clean and you can tell you have worked hard on it and you have probably looked over it a hundred times.  Well-done!  It’s one of the first things I’ve actually read all the way through.
“Ash and Zeke looked at each other startled.” --- I think you need a comma after ‘other’.  I am going to read the rest of the chapters I missed.  xx

catluckey avatar General Stranger

August 23, 2008

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catluckey reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

SwordMistress, you have perfect descriptions, especially on showing Mikell’s bubbling anger. Like:
He smiled at her, but she saw something in his eyes that she didn’t understand. A boiling rage seemed to sit just below the surface. His jaw clenched and his posture was rigid.

And I love the details adding richness and vibrance to your characters and setting. Like Mikell’s distant look and face twitching or the nice warm hearth and cherry scent from Ash’s pipe smoke.

You did a wonderful job of adding a small transition here for time clarity. Kudos. Just a tiny fixie: He wrapped his arms around her and clutched his shirt. Did she clutch his shirt? He can’t wrap arms around her a clutch his shirt. Change for clarity.

Fantastic job!

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Age: 38
Loc: Menomonie, WI
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Last Login: November 30
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