For family who are lucky enough I suppose welcome home their dead heros or their braindead heros or their maimed heros the same rituals to honour them are played out but have less & less meaning as people realize that Iraq isn’t about freedom & beating the axis of evil but about killing maiming innocents so that certain people can make huge profits out of conducting the so-called war on terror. Women are still left behind with aching uteruses & hearts & children grow up hardly knowing their fathers. It is tragedy all around.
Poetry / Who is he?
It’s been eight years now.
I get it, he’s not coming back.
After three years I knew that,
but I had hoped he would.
Love and Respect.
If only to answer for, explain, or apologize.
Maybe even, express his—undying love that would burn in his heart forever, yet must stay imprisoned and suffer for his crimes against us.
Abandonment and neglect.
he signed his name on my uterus and then left. I cried for him so long, i worried for him and prayed for him. I wanted him! I waited for him,
I searched for him, defended him, and why?
Lonely and confused.
Who was he even, how could I love him if he did not love me. If he loved me, how could he leave me and not even tell me? She looks just like him and she acts just like me.
Loyalty and wisdom
She loves him so, she looks for him, asks for him, wants him, worries for him, creates stories about him, and she doesn’t even know him. How did she even know I was dreaming of him too?
Commitment and responsibility
She said, “he is a hero he’s just over in Iraq.” I’m not worried I know he’ll be back. “The justice confirmed “we’ve located the deadbeat”, a soldier, at war right now, in the middle east.
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Iffer reviewed Version 2 -
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like you said this is definitely a brain storm. i think the first thing you should do is work with the structure of the lines, which could essentially make the poem more easy to read. i love the idea that you used that showed anger towards the man that was showed to have left the narrator and then it explains that he went to fight in iraq. just try and get in the narrator’s mind and let the emotions spill out on the paper.
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Lin reviewed Version 2 -
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I think your brain storming has some very interesting possibilities & have taken your words into ‘word’ to do some shuffling & will get back to you thru comments or Messagebank, cheers Lin
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed this emotional rollercoaster- you summing up parts of your heart and your life falling apart and how love hurts sometimes and when it hurts someone innocent it hurts even more.
michael_y_goldberger reviewed Version 2 -
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I didn’t get it, it look like a list. You have you’re bullets a small elaboration and that’s all.
I need some more, maybe back ground, maybe some senses and emotions.
for example:
Lonely and confused.
Who was he even, how could I love him if he did not love me. If he loved me, how could he leave me and not even tell me? She looks just like him and she acts just like me.
this is to monotonic, I think I understand you had a structure in mind and you wrote according to that.
I have an I idea, maybe change the name of the poem to
‘episodes of love and loss’ or something of a kind, this will give the reader a clue.
Michael
drbailey reviewed Version 1 -
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Dear Stranger,
This seems to be a very personal poem. If that is what you intended, then you have succeeded. There are some things working here very well, if you desire to have the piece published. There are also some things you could do to make it more unique and attention grabbing.
First the things that are working well: some great lines with imagery that is powerful and clever. The seventh stanza (only one line as most of them) is a great image. He signed his name on my uterus and then left. I really have to say this is one hell of a great sentence.
You also have a theme of the missing man. This is a theme I like, because it doesn’t come across as a typical love is lost poem. Instead, he is missing and there is almost a hint that the speaker does not know why.
That brings us to some things that could work better: some of the lines you have are very universal when it comes to the subject of love. The first half of stanza 4’s sentence, stanza 5, et cetera where you think you might see some.
I think with the missing man theme, you could easily make this poem a mystery at the same time. For example, the speaker could have last seen the man entering a cave, entering the underground, saying he would come back, or whatever. Something that wouldn’t normally happen. When things that normally don’t happen appear before a reader, they take notice and love it (unless they have no imagination, then they usually burn the stuff for being witchcraft.. i.e. salem witch trials, et cetera).
I’ve rambled long enough. I hope this is helpful in some way. I do like the feel of the poem. Let me knnow if I can answer any further questions.
D.R.
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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You have some well writen and nicely painted moments like “he signed his name on my uterus ” and “she looks just like him and she acts just like me” – though you should probably lose the “just”s here. Also break this up in lines, and even in stanzas. I would do 2 stanzas here: one about you thinking of him and second about your daughter. The way it’s written it doesn’t have any rhythm, but that can be easily mended. You have the idea about what you want to write, now focus on the exact specifics you want to transfer to your readers (I gave you examples of really good ones earlier).
PhoebeRaven reviewed Version 1 -
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You are like me, your poetry doesn’t fit standardized forms. Your language is poetic and yet I bet tons of people complain about the long lines and no rhymes and all that formalist stuff.
I like the message of this, because I am a daughter abandoned by her father maybe. I made up stories about him too, when I was little.
If you really wanted to, you could probably put this into a more traditional from of poetry, but then again sometimes we just need to get things off our chest and don’t want to go back to them later.
One small thing:
“he would answer to , explain, apologize even.”
I think you can leave out the “to”, then it becomes a grammatically more sensible sentence. Because you don’t tell us what he should answer to anyway.
Thanks for sharing this. Even early in the morning I appreciate poetic words. (:
lilceresita23 reviewed Version 1 -
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Good.
For a while, there I was like…”yes! yes! yes!”
I totally knew what you were/are talking about…
I was there..I know, I know!!
but then….
“she doesn’t even know him.”....huh?
what?
YOU TOTALLY LOST ME!
I was there…you had me!
but then…you lost me!
what happened? huh?
I just got very confused when you brought in the “other girl?”
You had me though..
it was good…
Keep working on it though…you can tweek it better
:o)
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