Flash Fiction / Alex Just Doesn't Understand (Analysis)
It looked bad, but it really wasn’t, right? There wasn’t that much blood, it was only cutting anyways, which is supposed to help any of the real pain I’m feeling. But this time it didn’t work, I only felt the same the depression, and loneliness still had a hold on me. Why wasn’t it working anymore? Maybe I was doing it wrong, or maybe I am my mojo for this. But I had been doing this for a freaking year, how could this NOT be working?
I sat there for at least an hour replaying in my head the event that had taken place:
I told her I had to go to the bathroom, I went into bathroom, I took out shiny exacto knife and whacked at pieces of skin on my wrists.
Where had I gone wrong? Maybe I should have used something sharper, or maybe something duller. No that would be crazy. I looked at my watch and saw how much time had just been wasted.
I started looking around the room for something to hide the evidence of the most recent self-mutilation experience. Under the sink I discovered a box of band-aids and a rubber ducky. I all that I needed was just the band-aids now.
Then thats when it all got pretty scary.
The bathroom door swung open to reveal a small pair of DC Shoe clad feet. My first thought, Uh-oh. So now suddenly I had my best friend Alex standing over me obviously wanting an explanation as to why I was on her bathroom floor with band-aids in one hand and an exacto knife in the other. Crap.
I tried to stay very still hoping I could suddenly turn invisible so hopefully Alex would assume that I had just ran away. Honestly I don’t think it worked because she started speaking to me- “Just what in the name of Rob and Big are you doing Caitlin?”. Jeez, I hate when she says ‘in the name of Rob and Big’ because usually that means I’m in big trouble (which is never good).
I still had high hopes of becoming invisible so I stayed very still as I replied to her.
“Nothing, what are you doing Alexandria?” I said in the sweetest voice i could make. I wasn’t looking at her face but the mood in the room changed, I knew the yelling was coming very soon. Anytime now..
Silence and the creak of the door closing was my only reply. Maybe i had disappeared! I glanced around the room quickly and noticed Alex was gone. I wasn’t really sure what this meant. Was she mad? Upset? Wanting to pop my head off? Double crap.
At that point I really didn’t know what to do, whether it would be better to stay in her bathroom or to go out there and face my bestie. I was very afraid of and early death by her but I took a chance and cracked the door a little, peaking around it. I couldn’t see anything but her bed, so I couldn’t tell if she was even in the room. So I crawled out of the bathroom, keeping close to the wall as I looked around for Alex, I found her sitting on her bed staring into nothing, which was surprisingly more frightening than her yelling at me.
Alex broke the silence with “What were you doing in there Caitlin?”
She was waiting for some kind of an answer not just an honest one, and yet I couldn’t come with anything but the truth. “I was cutting myself, with an exacto knife, which are really actually sharper than what the company parley’s on the box. They come in different colors, but I like this green one the best, what do you think?”. There I was again trying to avoid the issue, but I didn’t think she could handle such things, she is only sixteen.
“Why would you do a thing like that?” Alex said squishing her face in what seemed to me, distaste.
“Depression, loneliness, and other such things I guess”. That my good sirs was the truth. Lately, I had really been feeling the pain, of having no Brenden around. Brenden is always supposed to be around, always.
“I thought you were over that, Caitlin”. Right, like I would be over my boyfriend’s death. How long has it been? Oh yes I remember, seven months.
“No Alex, I’m not quite over my dead boyfriend just yet.”
“It’s been a long time” So much for her being my best friend. Jerk. “Well can you speed up the process anytime soon?” she said. Obviously I thought I was being ‘Punked’ right then, ‘speed up the process’? Was she kidding me?
“Nope I don’t think I can ‘speed up the process’”
“I miss Brenden too sometimes, Caitlin” Alex offered, now she was trying to redeem herself.
“Well that’s funny, I miss him ALL the time” and that’s how I squashed her efforts to be in my good graces again.
That day is when our friendship pretty much ended. We didn’t talk much after that, not even at church. I guess me going to a different school didn’t help the situation either.
Rumor has it that Alex thought I was a traitor for not going back to High Point preparatory Academy with her. Which made her a double jerk.
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I thought this was good. There were some problems with your sentences like this one
” I all that I needed was just the band-aids now.” and this one ”
I would just reread it over again and then some of your I’s were lower cased but honestly I didn’t care I do it all the time.
I thought it was really good because you knew what their relationship was like without you actually saying it. Alex was more like a mom toward Caitlin, or that’s what I thought. I liked how you showed that Alex really wanted her friend back just by saying can you hurry up the process.
Was this true or made up? Because you didn’t say anything in your notes. Anyway great work I liked it.
Just read it again and fix some of those things I said.
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Repetitive sentence structure. Lots of mispellings. Some grammatical issues can be explained by the main character’s narrative voice, others, like punctuation, need work.
There’s too much exposition. Don’t explain things in your narrative that would be best said in the action or the dialogue. Ex: Right, like I would be over my boyfriend’s death This sentence takes the wind out of your own sails. I would begin the whole story with something like “It had been seven months already, but I couldn’t stop hurting myself.” Then, let the reader hang, not knowing what had happened, until Alex says she thought that Caitlin was over it. Then, have Caitlin say “I’m not quite over my dead boyfriend just yet.” Give the reader something to read towards, not just something to read.
The story ends flat. There seems to be no point to it. Not to be offensive, but an argument with a friend really doesn’t seem all that compelling, especially since there’s no resolution. That is not to say that they should kiss and make up, but there’s no resolution to the plot itself.
maybe I am my mojo for this—Sounds like a missing word, or something.
I tried to stay very still hoping I could suddenly turn invisible…—I get what you are trying to do with this, but it reads like the character really thought she would to turn invisible.
There I was again trying to avoid the issue—She had just honestly admitted to cutting herself. That’s not exactly avoidance.
That my good sirs was the truth.—I would avoid addressing the reader as such (especially since half your potential readers might be put off at the epithet “sir”). I’d just drop my good sirs and leave it That was the truth. If you keep it, punctuate it properly, so it isn’t confusing: That, my good sirs, was the truth.
You are showing some talent. Unfortunately you have chosen a very tough subject to write about. You can’t possibly do this subject justice in a flash fiction piece. Your characters need developing. The grief needs to be played out. A friendship would not end that quickly, there needs to be a build up. Leaving your school is too convenient and a cheat towards the reader.
You need to expand this. You do this by outlining your plot, theme, characters, setting, conflict. Then you piece them together. I hope this helps.
I think you could use more imagery here, it would help accent the emotion. The main character is going through a hard time, you should put more emotion into the piece using imagery. Have you ever read Dracula? A lot of the time when you read about the dark nights/his lair or when he attacks you can just tell the mood in the imagery the author uses. I think this piece has great potential because it’s pretty relatable to the adolecent crowd. I’m just not really buying the emotion behind it. Try description and let us in on some more of the main characters’ thoughts.
Besides the fact that you had a lot of grammatical errors, I like what you have here. The character you created has a flippant attitude in a dark situation. I’m not sure if I like what’s going on in the story or not, but you’ve definitely caught my attention.
Your pacing seems really good. I wanted to turn to the next page and I wanted to do it quickly.
I didn’t feel the character despair so much. I’ll leave that up to you whether that’s good or bad.
You painted the scene with Caitlyn coming out of the bathroom hesitantly and trying to play off a serious situation very well. It was very poignant.
As far as the ranking… I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to rate for some of the criteria you put up. Frankly, there were just to many to spend that much energy thinking about. A seven is what I would give you overall.
This needs to be gone over again for the errors and tweaking, but good job! You have some talent.
But this time it didn’t work, I only felt the same the depression, and loneliness still had a hold on me - reword, “but this time it didn’t work, the depression and loneliness still had a hold on me”
wrong, or maybe I am my mojo for this - word missing?
I tried to stay very still hoping I could suddenly turn invisible so hopefully Alex would assume that I had just ran away. - need commas in this sentence
of and early death by – “an early death”
and yet I couldn’t come with anything but the truth - missing “up”
You have a lot of talent. This needs to be longer, include what happened to your boyfriend, let all of your feelings come through to the reader. Writing can be good therapy when there is no one else we can talk to. Good post.
This reminds me of so many other “young adult” books you find. I hope that the story is not personal to you, but if it is, I think you could really delve deeper, give it something that so many of these stories don’t have.
There are quite a few minuscule errors: spelling, extra words, misuse of apostrophe. But these can easily be edited out and should not really be fretted over.
Overall, I would say this has a long way to go before publication. You need to get the reader more involved in the character’s head. You have started to do a decent job of that, we just need MORE. I like the way you are using language specific to teens of that age, it gives a bit of depth to the character, but simply not enough.
I also think that this should not be a flash fiction piece. There is clearly much more you want to say than can be allotted into a flash fiction piece. I would shoot more toward novella to novel. It may seem overwhelming to get there, but just take it piece by piece, I think you could really develop this into something interesting.
Best of luck,
lu.
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