Thank you. Insanity was definitely a central point. It runs together, in text and in reality. What’s in quotes is what’s actually said. Everything else is emotion, action. For instance, words like “real” and “sick” in this context aren’t actually spoken. They’re representations of that moment when you realize it’s real or when bile rises and you’re about to hurl. Too, “Leave me ALONE!” wasn’t a spoken phrase, so much as the mounting sense of terror and desperation experienced when you see a particular person in a nightmare. I’ve no intention of rewriting this, but I am entertaining the idea of a book. Innocent details like what?
Horror / Things That Crawl in the Night
Night comes again and with it the time to rest, but its spent instead
wandering amongst the shadows…
An unwelcome visitor. Leave me ALONE!
A cold smile. Arms encircling. Hands roving.
Break free
Run…Run…Run…
Empty halls
Here. There. No one to help
Busy. No time. Not my concern.
Scared. Hurt. Angry
There!
“Please. Who do I go to for help?”
“Me.”
I tell him what happened.
A name. The arms. The hands.
He nods. Makes a note. Doesn’t move
Still no one to turn to
Sinking down, down, down.
Back to a wall. Knees to my chest. Tears falling
Almost a woman grown, yet somehow a young girl, huddled and alone
Terrified. Hopeless. Cold….
Daylight.
A dream. Only a dream. Just a dream.
Real.
His smile, his eyes, right in front of me
But I’m awake now
Hands, arms, wrapped around me once more
Its happening again, yet I’m alone.
Can’t shake it off. Can’t
Sick.
Darkness closing in.
11/29—12/1/07
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That was a most excellent piece for sure. I like the date at the bottom. It just adds to the vivid imagery throughout the poem. It hooks you in and draws you along so to speak.Good work friend
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I love these short scenes of horror. You did a good job of putting the reader in a dream-like state so that they don’t know what’s real or not. I really like how the character is on the brink of insanity the whole time. Clarity was a problem for me. At the begginning I wasn’t completely sure what was thought and what was narration. I think to heighten the horror aspect of the piece some more innocent details need to be added to build up the fear in the reader.
There are alot of imcomplete sentences and unfinished thoughts. Thoughts are running around crazily and has the reader confused trying to figure out what is going on within the story. There needs to be more detail.
The imagery was right on. That’s the way to do it. I even liked the format. The third to last line, after Can’t, shouldn’t you use a period?
In the middle the narrator runs into a seemingly indifferent “me”. Isn’t that a typical element in horror movies? There’s always that rational guy that says, “Hold on, tell me the facts. Don’t get so emotional.”
There is some inconsistency with punctuation. You might want to look it over, especially with period usage at the end of a line. Sometimes you use a period, sometimes you don’t.
Not bad. Very spartan, but effective.
The Good: The structure of it suggests a very active, panicky mood, which is helps to evoke the kind of emotions you want to with a horror story.
The Bad: It doesn’t feel descriptive enough. Some of the best horror engages all the senses- the look and sound of things, but also the smell, feel and taste. Punch this up with some adjectives, like “Empty, echoing halls” or “Salty tears falling”.
First I’m going to tell you what I think this is about. I think its about rape, but I’m not really sure. Maybe I’m wrong. Most likely. But that’s the impression I get from the lines An unwelcome visitor. Leave me ALONE!
A cold smile. Arms encircling. Hands roving.
For what it is I can almost see the people with their excuses for someone who needs help. I can also see that one person not taking action on something like this. You have no rhyming going on, but not all poems need rhyming. For a poem, it does make one think. However, it took me three reads to get the gist of it. Other than that, it was certainly different from all the other horror I read. Well written for what it is.
I think the line “I tell him what happened” took away the illusion of the dream. It felt out of place. Perhaps rewording that line would help.
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