Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Better Man
Those words you spoke a thousand times or more, spinning through my head like the ultimate top. Your voice rang true, and truth I believed it was. I realized I was mistaken. As I read those words, my heart melted. Thoughts of how sweet you were. Ya, until I read her name. She was the one person I thought you knew I was insecure about. You say your only friends, and friends is all you’ll ever be. Yet you tell her you love her as much as there are stars in the sky, just like you’ve told me a thousand times or more. Still, you say “We both know we can never be together” and it sounds as if you wish you were, the words seem as if a part of you wishes you could be. Yet you won’t let me go. I really care for you and the last thing I want is to lose you. I’d rather be jealous, and hurt, and angry constantly than to lose you. You say how you love me and never want anyone but me, and don’t want me to go, and your eyes tell another story. The tears streamed down my face from the minute I read it. Your the only one who couldn’t tell it was more than just being sick. Your the one that as I cried in front of you, all you did is cry yourself, and I comforted you. I was the one hurt by your actions, incredibly hurt, and I comforted you. Cosmo says if your the other girl and he chooses you, more likely than not he’ll cheat again. I always swore you were different, but are you? All this trust and confidence I had in you is gone. I mean she “radiates beauty” and “you never want to leave her side”. If you never want to leave her side then where does that leave me? The supposed love of your life? Your girlfriend of over a year? I don’t even know what to say or how to feel. Just looking at you makes the tears flood down my face. You are the most dear and precious thing in my life, and to lose you is to lose all, yet to be around you hurts. Hurts like a knife in the back. I just want to know the truth. If you love her I want you to tell me so. I don’t want to wonder any more. I know you do, how many guys tell their “just friends” they love them more than there are stars in the sky? They don’t. Then you say it just flows in the convo and isn’t akward or weird…and that’s supposed to make me feel better. That it doesn’t even feel akward or wrong or weird to say it to her? I really am confused. I don’t know what else to say but this…
Honestly, I thought you were a better man.
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“I’d rather be jealous, and hurt, and angry constantly than to lose you.” - feeling this way on a constant basis, drains your soul. I hope you are better and not still heartbroken over this jerk. Some people come into our lives for only a season. Learn from this and let it make you stronger. My prayers are with you!
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