Thank you for your review. Looking at both, I agree. I think I am going to combine the two, switch some lines. The second does not flow as smoothly as the first either.
Haiku/Senryu / Afternoon Play
1st version:
Gentle stream gurgles
coasting softly downward, with
tiny ship afloat.
________
Revision:
Petaled stream expands
silkily; gentle whoosh guides
matchstick ship afloat.
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Smintboyuk reviewed Version 4 -
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I think I prefer v1 to v3. I don’t think it was necessary to switch to ‘matchstick’ as for me ‘tiny’ was enough. Does ‘petaled’ mean it has petals floating on it? Not quite sure what you mean by ‘expands silkily’ and it’s also awkward to read. To me, a whoosh is more of a sound than a motion, and it’s the motion of the stream not the sound it makes that motivates the ship. I’m not sure about ‘guides’ either when used with ‘afloat’. Perhaps L3 would work better as ‘floating matchstick ship’? Something is kept afloat, but not guided afloat.
On the positive side, ‘petaled’, ‘silkily’, and ‘whoosh’ are richer words than you used in V1, but maybe not quite the best choices. Good luck with your writing.
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PenelopeMV reviewed Version 3 -
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Preference for the first version because I can see a little paper ship floating down the creek. Needs a bit more work to be WOW. but it’s good.
ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 1 -
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The image/moment is ripe for haiku. Keep that core if you revise.
It does need revision if you want to keep it as a haiku.
1. You write it as one sentence. This is usually considered to be a flawed form in haiku. You need at least a soft and preferably a hard break after line 1 or 2. As you read more published haiku, you’ll see why it matters.
2. You lack the traditional seasonal reference. It could be added with some of the space you make by eliminating some of the dead weight (see #3). For example, “summer stream”
3. Some of your language is weak. A stream is by definition ‘gentle’ unless it’s flooded. ’coasting’ is an odd word to use with stream, though I see what you’re getting at… that effortless sliding movement of water. There’s got to be a better word. ’softly’ can be evoked with the word that replaces ‘coasting’ and at any rate is general and imprecise. ’Tiny’ is a bit off too. It’s relative (tiny like an acorn, like a flea?) and so, imprecise. It would be more powerful to evoke the material of which the boat is made. ”paper boat”, or is it a fallen leaf, a stick, etc?
Again, none of this takes away from the core image. Indeed, you can evoke it much more powerfully I think if you clean up some of the weak language and eliminate redundancy.
Good luck.
Smintboyuk reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the concept a lot. I have many happy memories of sailing/racing boats, sticks, leaves, paper, etc., down streams as a kid.
Does a stream coast? Maybe you can find a better word. The boat would perhaps coast softly, but I think you’re talking about the water/stream. This might also make it possible to use an extra syllable and drop ‘with’. I don’t feel it’s necessary and is just present to meet the 7 syllable requirement. I scored you 9, I think you are almost there!
filbert reviewed Version 1 -
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Sounds like a young child just had a bath and the water is going down the drain.
For me, it has good imagery and meaning.
Sage reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautifully concise, evoking mood and imagery, with the expected seasoning of the unexpected at the end. This was well executed. If I had to find a quibble, it might be the word “coasting” which might flash readers on a coastal image when the poem is about a stream. A think another word like “winding” or “spilling” might work better, but it’s a judgment call.
SSRanto reviewed Version 1 -
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So many of us have placed a wooden boat in a stream and watched what happens. The imagery is nice—well done. The Haiku is also true to the “in nature” format.
afyare23 reviewed Version 1 -
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“Gentle stream gurgles”
What an amusing way to sound a stream, i love this Haiku, it clearly shows how a tiny ship can be rocked by a Gurgling stream.
Well done…
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