Haiku/Senryu / Separation

I’m sure I’ve seen and reviewed a version of this before.  I’m just not a fan of breaking each line in this way.  The whole piece is a single sentence broken into three to fit the syllable count.  I like the message, just not the way it has been written.  If you’ll indulge me, I’d write it as:

Pink pansies laying
with vengeance torn- she pauses
recollects his smile

This way ‘torn’ works for both the flowers, and how she feels.

This is an interesting senryu, really packed full of meaning.  The language is crisp and the image simple, yet evocative.  I’ve seen the use of the mid line break before in English haiku/senryu and always thought that it is an acceptable way to touch the spirit of the line break ‘rule’. You make it work well here.

Recollect at first sounded awkward to me as I wanted to hear ‘remember’.  But I thought about it and it really coheres with the tone of picking off petals, as if the remembering was collecting the bits of the flower back together.

A ten from me.

You’re off to a good start.  It quickly flows from the soft imagery of flowers to hard emotion, and back to soft imagery of smiling.  A good coaster ride in 17 syllables.  

My only problem is with the break of L1 and L2, and the pause after vengeance.  

The difficulty is 4 items, in 3 lines.  (Flowers, aggression, pausing, memory of a smile)  In this situation I make synonym word groups and try to fit the syllable count while maintaining the clarity of the message.  Losing the fact it’s a smile would be a mistake for example.  ’Yet she’ would get 2 syllables back, and you might replace the use of ‘with’ in L1.  Good luck!

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April 02, 2008

by ParticoRomulus

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A mid-line break is not unheard of in English language haiku.  It is always questionable, but in this case it works.

And it is not ‘four items,’ but a unified, coherent moment.  The depth here is amazing.

I think too that the ‘filler words’ that bother you aren’t filler at all, and serve to create a fluidity and rhythm that so many syllable choppers here lack. Since 5/7/5 isn’t requisite in English haiku anyway, and 11 syllables is more true to the spirit of the Japanese form, one can get away with this sort of thing in 5/7/5 if it works well within the structure.  This clearly does.

Finally, a senryu that doesn’t sound like it was written by Yoda!

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Very well written. Terrific portrayal of an abusive relationship, in my opinion.

Haiku is a tricky format to work in, but your image works perfectly with the beat.  Spite/smile create a really nice paradigm, and the phrase “recollect his smile” is one that I wish I had heard before.
I would like to see this as a haiku series.  I was skeptical about the first line, it doesn’t live up to the genius of the rest of your poem, the alliteration seems forced, but the color is striking. Nice work.

Nicely done. I like this haiku. I admire anyone who can do this. So much conveyed, including a strong mental picture, in so few words. Dare I point out that the second line has 8 syllables? What if you left out spite? Would it lose something vital? And would it be improved by making it two sentences?

Pink pansies torn with
vengeance. Yet she pauses to
recollect his smile.

This is pretty great.  I mistakenly read the second word of the first line as “panties,” but, no, pansies works as well.  It also adds a dimension to the line “recollect” vs. “re-collect.”

The only bit here is that the second line actually has 8 syllables, not 7.  

Great job.

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December 15, 2005

by katirra

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Hm, panties certainly would be an interesting thing to rip apart…But thank you for pointing out my second line has one too many syllables.  I had not reread this poem yet, I like to give myself a few days before I rework something. So I will keep it in mind when I go back to edit this piece.

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I don’t think you should veer off the traditional 5-7-5 of the haiku form and still call it a haiku.

“Vegeance” is missing its ‘n.’  

Good job reflecting nature with human nature!  It’s usually the theme and not the mechanics that suffers with writing haiku – you can fix the mechanics easily here, and it’s wonderful.  

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December 13, 2005

by katirra

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Thank you for your critique. I did not realize I left this haiku to be edited. Opps.  This is certainly a very rough draft and had intended on going back and rewriting.

December 14, 2005

by cindykelly

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I’m glad that you were not finished!  

I’m curious to see what you title this one.

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