Poetry / extinction depiction

Spare can be good when it compels me to bridge a tantalizing gap with descriptors it incites to mind, but this I could read off a cue card. You have offered it nothing of your essence, but foist word parameters upon an emotion that warrants expressive liberty.

Life has passed you by how? In what form? There is room to conjure an image here without unnecessarily cluttering regret with supplementary emotives.

Done more of what physically? Cite an example. Perhaps you could have built a garden from a single tuber that fed your family for a summer.

Substantial, incomparable, essential can’t stand alone here and command notice. I usually deconstruct adjective scaffolding that obscures pure meaning, but in this case I have the reverse to criticize. You need to make me want to be in your head by dangling baits. Once I’m in there, give me interpretive rein.

Hey stranger,

Poetry is not my forte, but I liked this one, because of the subject – I’m a bit macabre, and the message of regret that you had done nothing “substantial” – I think so all the time of myself.

Death is the theme, right? I love the message, but the construction was a bit loopy.

I think it would be better in the Past tense. It would augment the theme, and also makes for easier reading, based on the topic.

”...emotionally.
Mentally. ...” – lines like these are jilting for me. It the full-stops. I just stop and then the next words or lines I have to start all over again and it makes the poem overall hard to piece together.

If you put up a revision, please let me know.

D.C

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August 27, 2008

by BlueDemoness

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Thank you for your kind words and valued opinions.
I guess it was done this way to emphasize not being sure of the things in life that make you feel the most regret, yet still not knowing how to change them. Depression can sound like this. Plus, I write the poems the way they feel they should be constructed, I suppose this felt right at the time – written when I was maybe 21 yrs old.

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Although your point is clear I’m just not feeling it for some reason. Maybe it’s just my personal opinion but I think you went about saying what you wanted to say a little too directly…perhaps if you incorporated the use of metaphore? I think this is a really good start to something, it just doesn’t feel done to me.

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August 27, 2008

by BlueDemoness

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I think that is the point since this person is not decisive enough to change their life, so everything is undecided as a result and all that is definite is the sense of regret.  Plus it’s a personal admonition to ones self and being direct is necessary, yet not harsh enough to enact change.  The subject has given up well before death.  I have more poems that I had planned for a rather somber collection and self published book.  I will be posting more shortly if your willing to read more.  I need all the help I can get since I don’t have any literary/creative friends in my life right now.  All opinions are appreciated.  I’m a big girl and can take it :O)  Thank you for your input.

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interesting title.  had my interest there.  

this is a tight, fast poem, encompassing, what i think, to be a theme of lifelong regret.  it’s true to life and it’s bleak.  if bleak was the intent, well done.  

the peppered “if only’s” nail down the theme well enough but i was waiting for the glimmer of hope.  it never came.  hence “extinction depiction.”  

“I feel like
life has passed me by.
Or maybe,
it’s not gone quickly enough.”—from the jump narrator is itching for death. grim outlook that never lets down.

criticisms?    perhaps throw out an image or two.  the poem is effective but not entirely memorable.  give the reader something to chew on.   otherwise, it threatens to become the ghost that is the narrator.

however, if this was your intent- genius.  thanks for sharing.  

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August 27, 2008

by BlueDemoness

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There is no hope in this person, almost like she laid down and is waiting to die. Depressing? Yes, because that is the gist of it that the subject is just another nobody who doesn’t want to even try and never has, which indicates that their whole life has been unmemorable.  She may as well be a ghost or a forgotten poem cuz no one remembers non entities.

I know I don’t add enough imagery mostly because when I write I let the piece dictate how its going to be.  I feel like I’m just the psychic channel and then the editor, not the creator.  Even though I can spend days on a single poem before it sounds completed.  Strange I know, but I’m a bit of an odd bird – nice to meet you . . .lol.

I hope you’ll find time to comment on the forthcoming poems that I am submitting for reviews.  I haven’t really had much input from others so I would really like to know what others truly think, good or bad.  It all counts for something, even though they were written years ago.
Thank you for taking the time to comment/advise.
(ps – there are no geniuses in my family, just cheeky people).

August 27, 2008

by Marvin

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will do.  i’ll keep my eyes open.  

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