Children's / Sticky Stan

This was a very adorable piece. It is a great way to get a point across to a little kid.

I like the overall story/lesson/sound.  

The second stanza doesn’t fit as well to me as the others.
I’m not sure how you could fix it if you wanted to.  You could do anything with it.

I hope you get this published though.  It’s a story I would gladly read to my girl.

Let me know if you revise this as I would really like to check up on it.
Thanks.

That was really good.
Just make sure not to go off topic to much at certain points.
But i can definitly see reading this to my kids one day.
I really do love it though its soo in depth especially the
sick from the lolli part
great job

Yup. This is a good one. My only criticism is that the rhymes are a bit forced, and the A,B,B,A … A rhyming patters is a bit jarring. The effect is that the flow is a bit, well, not flowing. But the idea and story are great. Tweak the rhyming a bit and you’ll have a great little story. i could see the visuals in my head and everything. Fun!

very cute story i liked it

It’s got a nice rhythm to it and I love the ending, it was cute and simple.
The was it’s set out threw me off at first, but it’s easy to follow when you get a hold of the rhythm in the story.

Rather than apologize for not being a poet take this piece and edit, edit, edit until the rhyme and meter work because it is really creative and cute.  The first verse starts off pretty stellar but than the rhyme and rhythm  fall apart which will frustrate little readers so commit to the rhyme or commit to free verse but don’t force it.

The pattern I see is 4 line verses that could be worked into couplets with 1 free line in between.  V1 could easily be changed into a working couplet my reversing lines 2/4 so that you end each line with sticky/icky and fingers/lingers.  The independent lines don’t necessarily have to rhyme with the verse before or after or make the repeat or make them ALL end with the ick-y…children love repetition of some sort.

I hope this helps and feel this is well worth the time editing because it is really cute, creative, and has a great moral ending.

I can see it presented as a book with colourful illustrations to include blackened crumbling teeth and achne.
Change the bit about his mom  into the present tense. a think bubble over her head with a picture of Stan shrinking.
the good food being pushed away then kill Stan.
cabbages on his coffin or bouquets of lollipops?

Kids would love that.

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September 01, 2008

by Treatsa

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
240	73.5% (68 votes)	50.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
33	F	Canada	December 01

Children’s stories about death are never appropriate.  Horrible advice.

September 04, 2008

by Owl_Light

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
250	64.8% (108 votes)	40.0%

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58	F	United Kingdom	November 26

Why? Children have to learn about death. That’s one of the reasons we have pets. My kids  had lovely little funeral processions with cardboard boxes festooned with dandelions and daisy-chains. Death is certain. You must never shield children from it otherwise they won’t cope with it when it occurs.
what about Spike Milligan’s:
Carrington Briggs
Cared not 2 figs
Whether he lived or he died
But when he was dead
He sat on his bed
And he cried and he cried
And he cried

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Great rhyme scheme. Great story. And great moral ending. This has essentially everything a children’s book needs, minus the sweet illustrations. This is a great piece, really loved it. I have no serious issues with the poem. Great job.

Oh, and next time, not brief the reviewer by telling them you’re not a writer/poet or anything of the sort… it allows us to prejudge and will skew your reviews.

And even to the candy store to pick the next winner. This line doesn’t seem to go. Next winner in what? A contest.

Soon she thought, he will begin to shrink. Why? Doesn’t sugar make kids fat.
His mom had given him good food,
Fruits, soups, casseroles, and greens,
But he had pushed them away, not eaten his beans.
At every dish, every meal, every day, he had booed.
His lesson now learned, he picked up his fork and happily chewed

What taught him a lesson? You don’t say. It seems to cancel out the fact that he refused to eat greens soups and fruits.

And just like that, he grew!
Be careful not to get sick from sugar like Stan
Be a smart little girl, or a smart little man.
Lollipops are tasty, and that much is true.
But too much of anything is not good for You.

This is the best stanza. It all makes sense. Okay, heaven knows i am not much of a poet either and admit it. However it seems to me that you try to hard to rhyme. Why don’t you tell a little story here. You don’t have to make it rhyme. It would still be a poem in a sense. It would be known as a narrative poem. I like the idea. I have grandchildern who only like chicken mcnuggets and think they are the other white meat. I understand. You could make this interesting by simply concentrating on the little story and not on the rhyme. Sandi