You seem to have missed the original note of this story. It was written by my brother when he was twelve.
Sensibility is the last desire of this story to touch on.
Porno comics? I fail to see where you got that from.
I understand that the generation gap between you and my brother and even me is enough that you may not find the humor in this that we did, but I think comparing the work of a child’s bored musings to being worthy only of men’s magazines is harsh and undeserved.
This is meant to be read with a light heart and no consideration for the norm of daily life. Let yourself go from your own restrictive reality and live in the mind of a child’s for a bit.
Humor/Satire / Boredom as an Understatement
I stood at my mighty tower watching over The Great City of Saucier with my hands on the rails and my book of justice strapped to my back. The sky was grand, and there seemed to be not a butt-raping thing that could change that… but I was to be proven wrong. Just as I picked up their scent, the Multiplying Bunnies of Viagra rushed from the forest, breaking down the fence and attacking the courtyard. They raped everything in sight, and all I could do was watch. When their work was finished the large group, which had grown larger, turned and left. I shivered in my toga as I realized what I must now do. I would have to retrieve the Mystery Pack of Ramen, destroy Root Bunny, and cleanse every person who was raped! I jumped down from my cardboard box and ran towards The Fortress of Saucier.
There was a loud crash as Wheelchair-Shannon smashed into the wall that supported The Great Temple of Saucier. The-Gaylan was laying his palm across Jetpack-Jesus’s face with amazing force for getting raped just as I crushed another skull with my hard back copy of “Stephen Hawking’s The Universe in a Nut Shell.” Jetpack-Jesus revved his hybrid, energy-efficient jetpack into gear and managed to escape, only to have The-Gaylan jump and catch hold of his sandal, sending the two on a suicidal flight into the outer reaches of Oblivion. Wheelchair-Shannon called out for help, to which I did respond. When I arrived, her wheels were spinning as fast as they could. She cursed Saucier for smashing her into the wall, at which I hit her with my book causing her to lose all motor functions. The second I put her back in her chair she was off in a flash of red strobe lights and a constant scream of squeaking rubber duckies. I looked to the sky and waited for the arguing couple to return. When they did they came in a loud blur of prayer and screams. They hit the ground and laid there, each moaning. Before a word could be spoken I sprang into action hitting each of them over the head with my book then skipped away, my toga flapping in the wind.
Inside the fortress I found the oracle of N00bage-Jim sitting with his legs crossed. I sat next to him and asked him how the cleansing was going. He stood and cried like a school girl, running away and into his confessional. I followed him and climbed into the confessional opposite to him, and I asked him again. He screamed about how no one understood him. I told him not be such an emo oracle. He cried even more. Then I asked if the Multiplying Bunnies of Viagra had raped him. He whimpered and confessed. I jump out of the confessional and opened his door, beating him with my book of justice. He cried heavily, but I did what must be done. After it was over I told him that it hurt him a lot and that I enjoyed the hell out of it. With my theme song playing, I continued my journey to seek The Mystery Pack of Ramen.
In the deeper recesses of The Fortress of Saucier I came across The Beast of Tim which roared with the intensity of a million demons. I laughed and tossed him an eyeball. He squeaked a little as the eye squished him. Moving on, I came across Tim himself who whimpered about his squished beast. I smashed him over the head with glee and stepped over his limp, dead body. The hallway which I passed through was dark and every second there sprang 404’s, but despite all of my troubles my mission seemed closer to completion with every step. Then as I turned a corner I came to The Mythical Chamber of Saucier, and there in the center stood in all its glory The Mystery Pack of Ramen! I grabbed it off its pedestal and backed away.
I ran down the hall as fast as my toga-covered legs would carry me, running as hard as I could through the labyrinth with not a second to stop for breath. Any minute there could be another attack, and if I were exposed like this when they came, my butt certainly wouldn’t be safe. I ran with all of my might until I reached the end. I burst out into the courtyard to find Wheelchair-Shannon caught in an endless quest to overcome the resistance of the toddler’s head which was stuck in her wheel. I ran past her, dodging Jetpack-Jesus’s maneuver to avoid The-Gaylan’s shoe which still slammed into his nose in spite of his efforts. I jumped the now destroyed security fence that for so many years had protected The City of Saucier and entered the forest.
Inside it was dim. I was scared. I pissed my toga… Wait, no I didn’t. I continued with great loyalty and bravery and a wet toga. Little eyes poked out from every direction, and I held up The Mystery Pack of Ramen. They backed away and I continued. When the forest seemed like it couldn’t get any thicker, I reached the end of the level and stared out into the white abyss. I called out to Root Bunny, and what came into veiw was the biggest friggin’ fluffy bunny my eyes had ever seen. My fingers twitched; I had to hit him with my book, but I restrained myself. The time would come. But come on, how many people get to smack Root Bunny with the best book ever… and in hard back?! So when he asked who it was, I opened The Mystery Pack of Ramen and sprang off the cliff out into Oblivion. I landed on Root Bunny, who screamed as The Mystery Pack of Ramen invaded his eye sockets. I began my melee attack and soon Root Bunny was bleeding from his ears. Then I unleashed my final blow of Pancakes! He started to fall, and I jumped off of him and back onto the cliff. He fell until his huge, horny little body was scrambled by the lack of coding.
I found my way out by using my amazing memory, realizing that there were no more Multiplying Bunnies of Viagra. I had beaten them all by doing the unimaginable and killing Root Bunny. I was a hero! After three days of wandering through the forest I finally reached the opening. I stood in the middle of the courtyard with my pee-stained toga and Root Bunny’s blood all over my book. I gazed at the empty opening and said to myself, “Sometimes I wonder if I’m a genius….”
I caught a strange sent and smelled my toga. “My toga kinda smells like poo…”
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jebozid reviewed Version 2 -
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Just as I picked up their sent – I think you meant “scent”, also put either a comma or a dash after ‘scent’
work was finished – comma after finished
First you say “They raped everything in sight” then after “and cleanse every person who was raped” – I think it would be more clear if you said “They raped everybody in sight”, or maybe they didn’t stop at persons?
Great imagination, I love the names you’ve invented.
“sending the two on a suicidal flight” – sounds weird, if someone sends you into it, it’s not suicide, suicide is each own’s decision, I would change ‘suicidal’ to fatal of something like that.
to which I did responded. – either ‘I responded’ or ‘I did respond’
When they did they came… – comma after ‘did’
each moaning – you don’t need ‘each’; the next sentence needs commas: after ‘spoken’ and after ‘action’
I’ll stop the missing-comma spotting now, just read it carefully and you’ll spot them (you don’t want to leave the piece this good looking unprofessional)
“With my theme song playing” – OK, this takes it over the top, my eyes are like fountains now, great atmosphere, funny as it gets
had to hit him with my book – maybe I wanted to hit him would suit better?
Overall, my toga is also pissed from laughing. Love your style, love the imagination, the names, the characters and I cheer that you continue writing in this manner.
You’ll have at least one loyal fan. Kudos!
Thoroughly enjoyed.
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jebozid reviewed Version 3 -
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When their work was finished the large group, which had grown larger, turned and left. – I would not describe raping as work. Just simply say they turned and left after the assault.
but I did what must be done – but I did what had to be done
with not a second to stop for breath. – not stopping for a second, even to catch my breath
hard back -> hardback
The rest seems fine, you may want to proof-read it a few times and decide whether you want to put commas at certain places (like to separate independent clauses) just to be grammatically correct. You can avoid commas at certain places just to rush the flow.
Enjoyed, again ;)
paulfogarty reviewed Version 2 -
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I feel like this piece needs to demonstrate at least a passing nod at the general sensibilities of human beings. Unless, of course, you wanna get into porno comics. At the moment it seems like a kind of rant intended for the author and the already converted only. I feel like you should write and write and write and write and after a while you will be able to reign in some of the aspects of your writing that make it difficult for we average readers to really get into it. Talent is a strange thing and I think you have it, but don`t hide it behind butt-raping and toilet humour, you know.
I like the name Jetpack Jesus.
As it is the whole thing reads like it might be hilarious at a drunken frat party but it may also find favour among readers of men`s magazines or even, like I said, sort of adult comic strips. Good luck and keep writing. Cheers.
Tattered_and_Torn reviewed Version 3 -
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This was really funny and really creative. THe only think I would change is maybe be more descriptive. It is very good though.
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 3 -
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When they multiply, what does it look like? A normal rabbit birth?
“must now do”- this chunk is present tense in a story that is past tense. “what I had to do” might work.
“at which”- at which point
“laid there” -lay there
haha, 404s. I think you may have coined a phrase! Or stolen for the first time.
“had to hit him”- sounds like you did, but you say you didn’t. “fought the urge to hit him”, maybe. Or something.
If all you want is for people to enjoy the story then I think you’ve succeeded. It’s banal and ridiculous, but then so am I. It’s worth polishing up and sticking in your blog, if you have one.
webwriter reviewed Version 3 -
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After just reading one of your works I had to go on to another. I had to get another “fix” of your twisted, fun, scary (at times!) writing. So original, wonderful use of everyday names to create very different images. I guess I could go thru and pick apart the punctuation- but I think that it is part of the fun of reading it. For me it flows!
OfTrepidation reviewed Version 3 -
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Holy Crap! This was friggin hilarious. I had a smile on my face the whole time I was reading it. I cannot wait to read your other works.
texas_dancer reviewed Version 3 -
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After one gets used to the way the amusing story is written, it is simply hilarious! I have not laughed so hard reading something in a long time. The imagination of the piece is absolutely brilliant! I found the ending funny to some level when the hero’s welcome is dampened by the smell of his own toga. Lovely piece!
Adj2326 reviewed Version 3 -
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Its funny, as i read this it seemed much like the way i write. A few one line imagery here a there with a good amount of situational comedy.
matthewtrent reviewed Version 3 -
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This is highly amusing. Minus the confusion in language and then an obscure reference to 404’s? I loved this piece. It reminded me of what the bastard child of Monty Python and Douglas Adams. If you do not know those, you need to find out. The voice of this piece, especially the comedy therein touches upon them strongly.
Though you do not intend to publish, you or your brother, whomever wrote this, they need to continue writing. Great job. Keep writing! Peace.
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