You seem to have missed the original note of this story. It was written by my brother when he was twelve.
Sensibility is the last desire of this story to touch on.
Porno comics? I fail to see where you got that from.
I understand that the generation gap between you and my brother and even me is enough that you may not find the humor in this that we did, but I think comparing the work of a child’s bored musings to being worthy only of men’s magazines is harsh and undeserved.
This is meant to be read with a light heart and no consideration for the norm of daily life. Let yourself go from your own restrictive reality and live in the mind of a child’s for a bit.
Humor/Satire / Boredom as an Understatement
I stood at my mighty tower watching over The Great City of Saucier with my hands on the rails and my book of justice strapped to my back. The sky was grand, and there seemed to be not a butt-raping thing that could change that… but I was to be proven wrong. Just as I picked up their scent, the Multiplying Bunnies of Viagra rushed from the forest, breaking down the fence and attacking the courtyard. They raped everything in sight, and all I could do was watch. When their work was finished the large group, which had grown larger, turned and left. I shivered in my toga as I realized what I must now do. I would have to retrieve the Mystery Pack of Ramen, destroy Root Bunny, and cleanse every person who was raped! I jumped down from my cardboard box and ran towards The Fortress of Saucier.
There was a loud crash as Wheelchair-Shannon smashed into the wall that supported The Great Temple of Saucier. The-Gaylan was laying his palm across Jetpack-Jesus’s face with amazing force for getting raped just as I crushed another skull with my hard back copy of “Stephen Hawking’s The Universe in a Nut Shell.” Jetpack-Jesus revved his hybrid, energy-efficient jetpack into gear and managed to escape, only to have The-Gaylan jump and catch hold of his sandal, sending the two on a suicidal flight into the outer reaches of Oblivion. Wheelchair-Shannon called out for help, to which I did respond. When I arrived, her wheels were spinning as fast as they could. She cursed Saucier for smashing her into the wall, at which I hit her with my book causing her to lose all motor functions. The second I put her back in her chair she was off in a flash of red strobe lights and a constant scream of squeaking rubber duckies. I looked to the sky and waited for the arguing couple to return. When they did they came in a loud blur of prayer and screams. They hit the ground and laid there, each moaning. Before a word could be spoken I sprang into action hitting each of them over the head with my book then skipped away, my toga flapping in the wind.
Inside the fortress I found the oracle of N00bage-Jim sitting with his legs crossed. I sat next to him and asked him how the cleansing was going. He stood and cried like a school girl, running away and into his confessional. I followed him and climbed into the confessional opposite to him, and I asked him again. He screamed about how no one understood him. I told him not be such an emo oracle. He cried even more. Then I asked if the Multiplying Bunnies of Viagra had raped him. He whimpered and confessed. I jump out of the confessional and opened his door, beating him with my book of justice. He cried heavily, but I did what must be done. After it was over I told him that it hurt him a lot and that I enjoyed the hell out of it. With my theme song playing, I continued my journey to seek The Mystery Pack of Ramen.
In the deeper recesses of The Fortress of Saucier I came across The Beast of Tim which roared with the intensity of a million demons. I laughed and tossed him an eyeball. He squeaked a little as the eye squished him. Moving on, I came across Tim himself who whimpered about his squished beast. I smashed him over the head with glee and stepped over his limp, dead body. The hallway which I passed through was dark and every second there sprang 404’s, but despite all of my troubles my mission seemed closer to completion with every step. Then as I turned a corner I came to The Mythical Chamber of Saucier, and there in the center stood in all its glory The Mystery Pack of Ramen! I grabbed it off its pedestal and backed away.
I ran down the hall as fast as my toga-covered legs would carry me, running as hard as I could through the labyrinth with not a second to stop for breath. Any minute there could be another attack, and if I were exposed like this when they came, my butt certainly wouldn’t be safe. I ran with all of my might until I reached the end. I burst out into the courtyard to find Wheelchair-Shannon caught in an endless quest to overcome the resistance of the toddler’s head which was stuck in her wheel. I ran past her, dodging Jetpack-Jesus’s maneuver to avoid The-Gaylan’s shoe which still slammed into his nose in spite of his efforts. I jumped the now destroyed security fence that for so many years had protected The City of Saucier and entered the forest.
Inside it was dim. I was scared. I pissed my toga… Wait, no I didn’t. I continued with great loyalty and bravery and a wet toga. Little eyes poked out from every direction, and I held up The Mystery Pack of Ramen. They backed away and I continued. When the forest seemed like it couldn’t get any thicker, I reached the end of the level and stared out into the white abyss. I called out to Root Bunny, and what came into veiw was the biggest friggin’ fluffy bunny my eyes had ever seen. My fingers twitched; I had to hit him with my book, but I restrained myself. The time would come. But come on, how many people get to smack Root Bunny with the best book ever… and in hard back?! So when he asked who it was, I opened The Mystery Pack of Ramen and sprang off the cliff out into Oblivion. I landed on Root Bunny, who screamed as The Mystery Pack of Ramen invaded his eye sockets. I began my melee attack and soon Root Bunny was bleeding from his ears. Then I unleashed my final blow of Pancakes! He started to fall, and I jumped off of him and back onto the cliff. He fell until his huge, horny little body was scrambled by the lack of coding.
I found my way out by using my amazing memory, realizing that there were no more Multiplying Bunnies of Viagra. I had beaten them all by doing the unimaginable and killing Root Bunny. I was a hero! After three days of wandering through the forest I finally reached the opening. I stood in the middle of the courtyard with my pee-stained toga and Root Bunny’s blood all over my book. I gazed at the empty opening and said to myself, “Sometimes I wonder if I’m a genius….”
I caught a strange sent and smelled my toga. “My toga kinda smells like poo…”
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ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, it is certainly amusing and entertaining. It has a level of “innocence” (for lack of a better word) as though it is told from the viewpiont of a child. Little bits like “the multiplying bunnies of Viagra” show just how much TV and commercials have affected the narrative. Some pieces are extremely clever in the sense that it appears words were chosen purely for how they sound together, like “Jetpack-Jesus”. All and all, a fun read that defies conventions without even knowing or caring what they are in the first place.
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ThomasAlan reviewed Version 1 -
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This appeals to the fanatasy aficionado in me because it pokes fun at many of the sacred aspects of the genre: the hero, the enemy, the castle, the holy texts, the seers and magicians etc.
I found this quite funny and although you were right about the number of errors, there was nothing I couldn’t understand.
If your brother’s still writing, or if you taken up his torch (with or without the smelly toga), this would be good as part of a bigger work. Done properly, one could write any entire novel, nay, entire series of novels, spoofing the magical fantasy genre.
Best wishes on wherever your journey takes you, but watch out for the bunnies!
TA
malibublondie14 reviewed Version 2 -
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Hahaha
I really can’t stop laughing that was freaking hilarious!! Great Job!!! on the piece it was really good i thought!!
I loved the part where you wrote ” all i could do was watch as the bunny’s raped the people.” haha that was so funny :DDD
Also I really liked the character Jetpack-Jesus that was hilarious! My brother and I laughed at that one for a while. haha
But overall great job like i said and keep up the work, hope to see more!
<3 Sammie
sarcasmspecialist reviewed Version 2 -
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That was undoubtedly a very strange piece. At first I had no idea what the hell was going on, and almost dismissed your piece as something stupid. However, as I continued to read it, I decided that you had a very interesting idea on your hands, and I kind of like what you’ve done with it.
I think you captured the essence of comic books in prose. It’s random and weird, and makes very little sense unless you just accept the alternate reality and go with it. I think you did a good job of enticing the reader to just go with it. You might also consider this to be a weird fantasy piece rather than humor. Although it was funny, I was much more intrigued by the randomness of the plot than by the clever asides of the main character.
My suggestion would be to broaden the characters and give some exposition on what is going on a little earlier in the piece.
paulfogarty reviewed Version 2 -
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I feel like this piece needs to demonstrate at least a passing nod at the general sensibilities of human beings. Unless, of course, you wanna get into porno comics. At the moment it seems like a kind of rant intended for the author and the already converted only. I feel like you should write and write and write and write and after a while you will be able to reign in some of the aspects of your writing that make it difficult for we average readers to really get into it. Talent is a strange thing and I think you have it, but don`t hide it behind butt-raping and toilet humour, you know.
I like the name Jetpack Jesus.
As it is the whole thing reads like it might be hilarious at a drunken frat party but it may also find favour among readers of men`s magazines or even, like I said, sort of adult comic strips. Good luck and keep writing. Cheers.
pinestategal reviewed Version 2 -
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Ok this is real funny. I got the impression toward the end that the narrator is in a video game. Am I correct? the only thing I noticed was the wrong use of the word sent in two lines. (1) Just as I picked up their sent the and the same in the line (2) I caught a strange sent and smelled my toga. I think you should have used “scent” My favorite line was “I pissed my toga… wait, no I didn’t. I continued with great loyalty and bravery and a wet toga.” Keep up the good work
dragonkiller07 reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall, it was fun…once I caught up. If your point is initial confusion then you did it, but once I caught the idea it was easier to get it. It seems almost too random to comprehend. Perhaps a little background or a hint or just a taste to prepare the reader.
I did enjoy the phrase,”After it was over I told him that it hurt him a lot and that I enjoyed the hell out of it.” Random acts of violence mixed with honesty is always fun.
Just have fun.
producerelf reviewed Version 2 -
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I didn’t find this, overall, to be that amusing because I couldn’t really tel lwhat was happening. There was a lot of chaos. But, if yo uwrote this out of boredem, continuity probably isn’t the buggest concer, however if youre trying to turn this into a more formal piece, I’d work on a bit of a plot and some characters and some dialouge and such.
regmusty reviewed Version 2 -
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You are definately out there.Noy quite my cup of tea although i can see how others would like it,that’s what it is all about.Well written and very well thought out,you have a very active imagination and lots of talent,therefore i urge you to keep at it.Well done and keep it up.
Emilee reviewed Version 2 -
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well. This was certainly random. I’m not sure where you’re going with this, it sounds like the stories my friends tell when they’re high. There are some funny parts but mostly i’m just like, wtf? Interesting use of pop culture with the names, some interesting slapstick humor, but mostly… I’m just confused by the whole thing!
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