Thanks for the review. I have spell checked this, althoug the computer doesn’t catch it all >.<
And also, this is Version 1.
But still, thanks.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Aslendalion, Book 1 {Chapter 1} (Analysis)
Chapter 1- The test of a lifetime
“Children, take your seats.” barked Mr. Whizard. The anxious people in the room still continued to chatter amongst others. The sun’s beams shone in the classroom, making shadow copies of everyone basking in it.
“QUIET!” he shouted. His voice cut through all the talking like a razor sharp blade. It bounced off the white, wood walls of the small classroom. The word “quiet” seemed to float in the air, for no one said a word. In an instant, benches were squeaking against the brown wood floors as people desperately scrambled to their seats. “I am the teacher in this classroom If you will talking, you’ll be talking to me.” The class nodded, their fright powering the movement.
“Hm. Yes. Let’s begin. Now you all know that in just three days, you will leave this little island of Rosslo to go the fantastical land of Aslendalion to fulfill your life long dreams.” he paused as the class cheered. He gave them all a stern look, his eyes flashing. They quieted down in a second. “Mystical creatures await you, and dangers also lie ahead. This is the medieval times, people. No one’s going to hand you a plate of cookies when you get there.” he took a moment to laugh at his own joke. When no one joined in his merriment, he turned to the slate board and sighed, and with the chalk in hand, he smoothly shaped the cursive letters. Mr. Whizard turned around, revealing the words “Your Caste.”
“Now, when you’re in the land of Aslendalion, your caste depends on how skilled you are at one of the two things. Who can tell me what those two things are? Crystalia, why don’t you share with the class how to gain a level.” Crystalia stood up, and her russet colored hair fell back from her shoulders. Her clear-complexioned face had a confused look streaked across it. Emberia stared at her confused friend. It dawned on her that Crystalia said nothing yet. After thirty seconds, Crystalia twirled her hair, cocked her head and said, “Um, what’s a caste?” The class roared with laughter. Emberia just sat there, trying not to laugh. Crystalia was trying not to show that she was hurt, but her mask failed her, and, going to plan B, she attempted to laugh along with them. But all she could manage in the embarrassing situation was a weak smile.
“A caste, Miss Crystalia Bulagar, is your social status. Now please, tell us the two things that will determine your caste.” said Mr. Whizard, rubbing his temples. Crystalia stood there.
“I…I don’t know.” and with that the class raged on with utter bliss and laughter.
“Alright then, that’s fine. Robert! Stand and tell us, what are the two things that determine your caste?”
“Well, it‘s either how well you can fight, or how well you can do a skill. There are lots of skills, like cooking, fishing, or hunting, but the main one is your fighting skills. Your fighting skills are the most important thing that will move you up in the caste system. There are three different fighting skills. There‘s one where you use the traditional method, which is using a sword, another one, using a bow, and the new method which is becoming popular is using magic and a staff. You can master all three skills, which is hard, and is considered having True Blood.” he sat down and gave Crystalia a smug smile. Crystalia shot him a smile of sarcasm in return. He and Crystalia were always competing to see who was better. They had never liked each other. Even as a little boy, he had tortured Crystalia by flinging sand in her hair and mud at her clothes.
“Thank you, Robert, that was a very detailed and excellent analysis.” said Mr. Whizard. “Now, you also need to be armed with a weapon. I’m sure you’ve all talked to Haylion, the swordsmen?” the class nodded. “And you’ve also learned archery with Arleeia to, hm? And magic with Maggie?” the class continued to nod. “I know you haven’t completed those classes yet. Even though you know how to stab people with metal objects, and take control of their mind with magic, you probably don’t know the history of Aslendalion.” Mr. Whizard cleared his throat and wrote “Aslendalion” on the board. He turned around and pointed to the name.
“Aslendalion: a wondrous land. A prosperous land. An advanced civilization.” he paused. “Take notes!” he barked. His pupils started to write furiously, trying to remember everything he had said. His eyes swept over the classroom, and with that he continued. “Alsendalion was founded in 1124. It’s founder, Romanio, discovered it when sailing off course from…”
“Hey.” whispered Emberia to Crystalia. Crystalia looked at her friend, to see that she was not looking at her. “What?” Crystalia hissed back, looking back down at her notes.
“What was that back there?” asked Emberia, so quietly that Crystalia had to strain to hear.
“I just…forgot.” replied Crystalia, turning away.
“Well, didn’t you study?”
“Do you have something to share with the class, girls?” Mr. Whizard suddenly asked, his bight blue eyes on them.
“Um…yes, actually.” said Emberia, standing up confidently. She tossed her blond hair behind her shoulders and asked, “If Aslendalion hasn’t been around for that long, than how is it that all the other islands, who have been around for centuries, are less prosperous than us?”
“Ah, what an excellent question.” said Mr. Whizard. Emberia sat down and quietly sighed, and smilied to herself, knowing that she had fooled her mentor. “You see class, long ago, there was a huge war between the islands of Corobay, Rellenia, and Arstheren. This debacle only lasted a couple of years, but due to it, all of the other islands resources has been drained away. They wanted to go to Aslendalion, but all their ships had been wrecked in the war, and their supplies were all used up in it.”
Now, the main thing to know about Aslendalion is the different Regions. First, there is the Civil Region. That’s the Region you are probably going to be in a lot, for that‘s where most towns, cities, and villages are. It is also where you‘ll begin your journey. Then, there’s the Cleared Region. That’s a beautiful Region that has a lot of fertile soil. Then, the Forest Region. The Forest Region is a great place to train your stamina and agility. Now, there are a lot of other Regions, but those are across the River. The River separates the fertile, luscious land with the dangerous, risky land. Only experienced skillers or fighters may have access. It has the most beautiful Regions your eyes will ever behold, and the most dangerous Regions you may ever experiance. But, not as dangerous as the deathly Unknown Regions. You see class, the Unknow—”
The school bell suddenly rang, snapping Mr. Whizard out of his lecture. Kids started pouring out when Mr. Whizard yelled, “STOP!” the kids stopped in an instant and slammed into each other. They came back inside with red faces and sinking hearts. “Class isn’t over until I ring my little bell. Now, You’ll have a test on Summer, the eleventh day. That‘s five days to study. I know, you‘ve only been in this class for a few months now. But I‘ve taught you everything you need to know. I’m releasing you early from class so you can study. Not to goof off, not hang out with your friends, not to stay up all night. Study. So, with that note, I dismiss you.” he went to the window and rang the old bell that was always sitting there. Emberia was going to miss the little bell, for she had grown attached to the ringaling sound it made. Benches sqeaked against the wood floor again, and kids scrambled once more for the door.
“Crystalia, may I see you for a second?” the voice was from Mr. Whizard, shuffling papers and filing them. Crystalia walked over to where the old wizard was standing.
“Y-yes, M-Mr. Whizard,” she stumbled over her words, “may I help you?”
“You’ve been lacking your studies. It shows in class.” said Mr. Whizard, not looking up from his papers.
A long pause sliced the conversation. After three minutes, Mr. Whizard look up at Crystalia. His spectacles slid down his nose a bit.
“Mr. Whizard, I assure you, I will take the time to study.”
“Yes, but you also have one more class with Haylion, Arleeia, and with Maggie. That gives you only two days to study.”
“Well, then I guess I’ll have to study twice as hard. Mr. Whizard, I can do this! I know I can!”
“I wish I could believe you on that. You’ve said the same line on your last three tests, which you all failed. I want you to realize that this is the big test. This is the test that will decide the rest of your life.” Crystalia’s heart sank like a ship slowly being consumed by the harsh sea as she continued to listen to Mr. Whizard’s lecture. “If you get more than six answers wrong on the test…you’ll never have the shot of getting off this island. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life on the beach, wondering how grand your friends have it on Aslendalion? That’s why, I have a proposition for you.” he sighed. “I can see that you’re trying really hard in class, and I can see that you’re at least making an effort, and that’s good but… I think it would be best if you stayed with next years class to take the test. That way, you can study some more, and hopefully you won’t mess up your future…”
Crystalia felt like she had been punched in the stomach. “It would be best.” he continued. “I mean, you haven’t been getting the good grades…” Crystalia’s eyes clouded over, and she was about ready to slap him across the face. But she clenched her fists and spoke with as much stability in her voice as she could muster.
“I shall do completely fine on this test, thank you very much. I may have had a rocky start,” Crystalia looked out the window where Emerbia was at, waiting, then looked back. “but I’ll pass. And you can’t tell me otherwise.”
“Crystalia! Never speak to your mentor like that again!”
“If I mess up my future, that’s my fault.” she sighed, and her voice grew. “But I don’t want to wait a year just so I can have the same chance of passing the test as I do this year.” her voice was growing now, becoming for angry, and she dug her fingernails into the palm of her hands to remind her to keep calm.
“I’m the teacher, and I know what’s best for you. Crystalia, you are staying.”
“I am not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“I have no time for this argument! I have important things to do! If you fail this test, Crystalia, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” he said, shaking a long, bony finger at her. She turned around and scowled to herself. Crystalia unclenched her fists as she walked out, noticing that they had broken the skin.
“What did Mr. Whizard say?” asked Emberia as they walked out.
“He wants to hold me back a year. I said I wouldn’t have it.”
It seemed like Emberia wanted to say something back to her. Crystalia already knew what it was. A lecture. But she was happy that Emberia bit her tongue.
“So, should we go study now? We could go to your house…” suggested Emberia.
“N-no! I mean, my mother’s home, and she doesn’t like company unless I warn her at least a day’s notice. Let’s go to the Flower Field.”
The sun was shining and the birds were singing their chirping tales as Emberia and Crystalia ran to the field. The grass was warm, soaking up the suns bright, brilliant rays. It was a luscious green that was very soft, and seemed to have a pleasant feeling to it, blowing carelessly in the cool breeze. The flowers were blooming, and their radiant color convinced people that they were there to stay. Emberia and Crystalia watched the other kids walk down the dusty old path to there homes, where they would be cramming for the test. Five days. Emberia couldn’t actually believe that in five days the rest of their lives will be at stake. All because of a piece of parchment. That their whole lives depended on this test. The nervousness in Emberia’s stomach felt like butterflies in a cage, desperately trying to break free from their prison. They stayed in the Flower Field for two hours before they decided that it was time to go home and study. They parted their ways at the end of the dusty brown path and went home.
Emberia and Crystalia never knew what it was like outside of Rosslo Island. There they would sit, long hours on the beach, looking out into the sea, trying to find another coastline. They had always dreamt of going out into the real world of Aslendalion. But it took lots of training, just to get to the real world, and lots of classes. Since mere school girls, their minds would drift when they heard of the great land of Aslendalion. They would dream of magical wonders that were hidden inside Aslendalion. Castles, goblins, and knights, with great steel armor that reflected the sun, with soft brown hair and a great, white smile, would appear in their minds.
“Mother, I’m home!” shouted Crystalia. Dropping her leather bag at the door, she proceeded to the kitchen table, picking up a biscuit as she went.
“Where were you?” her mother demanded, but still remained calm. Her face, though, was twisted in a way that even a three-year-old could understand: Anger. She snatched the biscuit from Crystalia, right when she was about to take a huge bite and said, “I’m not going to say it again. WHERE WERE YOU?!”
“Settle down, mother, I was just studying with Emberia on magic.” Crystalia lied. She went to the larder to try to avoid her mother’s eyes. She got out a pitcher of milk and poured herself a glass. Her mother sat down and sighed, her fingers slowly raking through her hair.
“Crystalia,” her mother explained, “I bought you that contact ring for a reason. Not because it looked fancy, not so you could have something to showoff, and not because we had money to spend. Why couldn’t you take the time to tell me where you were?!”
“I forgot,” Crystalia said to her mother bluntly. She stared into the white substance, wondering if her mother knew she was lying. Her face reddened, and she consumed her milk as quickly as she could to hide up her blushing.
“Forgot?!” yelled her mother, “After begging for two weeks to get you that ring? Somehow I think that you’re lying to me. You ungrateful little…” her mother sighed again, this time, more frustrated. “With that note, I shall ask again: Why. Didn’t. You. Call. Me.” Crystlaia looked around the room, trying to think of something, trying to make an excuse or change the subject. Then, she noticed it. A bottle—not too tall, not too wide. She knew what the bottle was. And she knew why her mother was acting like this. Half of it was gone. Never a good sign.
“Answer me, you little brat!” her mother screamed.
“I-I was…busy…” replied a nervous Crystalia, at last attempt to cover up the fact that she was goofing off. A last attempt to cover up how she didn‘t want to come home. She had stopped drinking her milk and looked up at her furious mother, with an expression of guilt painted across her face. She was trembling now, waiting for it to happen. She knew it was going to come, anyway, and she braced herself.
“Oh,” said her mother, calming down. It took Crystalia a little bit, but she soon returned to her normal state, even though she was still a little shaky. She smiled to herself. She did it. She didn’t get—
Slap.
It was powerful, and it sent Crystalia off the chair and on to the dusty floor. Crystalia got up and her mother slapped her again, this time harder and more painful, her nails digging into Crystalia’s flesh. Her cheek grew numb as Crystalia sank to the floor.
“So you couldn’t just take a MINUTE out of your study time to say, ‘Mother, I’ll be running late, please don’t call the neighbors in an effort to locate where I am’?! It only takes a MINUTE!”
“It’s not a big island mother. You could’ve easily found me.” said Crystalia. She braced herself, for she knew she was walking on thin ice.
“That’s not the point. I don’t want to have to deal with you. You’re not five, you’re sixteen, and you can take care of yourself.”
“I think you’re blowing this way out of proportion. I forget to call you one time and you all the sudden freak out?”
Her mother grabbed Crystalia and pushed her into the wall, making a clay pot crash on a shelf crash to the ground. Her mother yelled again in frustration and kneed Crystalia in the stomach. She fell to the ground, gasping for air, wishing that the ground would suck her in and keep her away from her mother. She clutched her stomach, hoping she wouldn’t see her milk again.
“That’s the problem with your generation.” her mother sneered, looking down at Crystalia. “You can never follow the rules. Well you listen here. If you ever disobey me again, I will make sure that everyday blood runs down your face. Do you hear me Crystalia?”
“Yes.” she gasped. “I hear you.”
“You know, your father would probably hate to see you so weak. So vulnerable. So spineless.” she spat. “You’re a disgrace to mankind.”
Tear stung Crystalia’s eyes. She tried to blink them back, but she couldn’t, and she watched with depression as a clear, glistening tear fell from her face and splattered onto the wood floors, ending it’s short life.
“Why do you always hang that over me?! ‘Daddy would not want this’, ‘Daddy doesn’t want that.’.”
“Aw, look who’s crying. Pitiful. It’s a good thing your father died. I wouldn’t want him to see how soft you’ve become. Now, get up!” she yelled, kicking Crystalia’s side. Crystalia slowly stood up, and straightened herself like a soldier, ready to go into combat.
“Listen up. I’m going out for the night. I want you pick up the dirt on the floor, pick up the shattered pot with your bare hands, clean out your bedroom, scrub the walls and the ceiling, and shine my shoes. Also, I want you to stop acting like your seven. And if you finish that, you can eat anything stale or expired in the larder. If I see that any other food is gone, It’ll be on your head.” she turned and walked toward the door. She was just about to close it when she hissed, “Literally.”. Crystalia sat down on the chair and sighed, wondering when the nightmare would be over.
Emberia burst through the door, humming a soft, gentle tune and sitting down on a stool. She dropped her bag on the counter and noticed a scrap piece of parchment, and what seemed like fifty bronze coins. She looked at it, curious of what it might be.
My dear Emberia,
My boyfriend Cellien took me out for dinner. Don’t bother waiting for me, as we are going to a play after. Can you believe it? We’re watching Belyont‘s Peril, the new play by some Wecher fellow. I wonder if it will ever go on the big stages of Aslendalion.
I know I said we could go shopping for supplies tonight, but I promise we can do it tomorrow. Don’t forget to make enough dinner for your sister. She isn’t visiting long and I want her to have a good stay. I don’t know if there’s anything to eat, so I laid out sixty-seven bronze for you to spend on food.
My love,
Mother
The note was almost unreadable, it was so sloppy. Emberia left the note on the counter and pocketed the conis. Her mother was always out with her boyfriend. Oh well, thought Emberia, at least my sister is here. She gazed around the room, and her eyes settled on her leather bag. The butterflies were back. She got out some chicken from the larder and decided to heat it up with the fire that her mother had made. From the look at the logs, Emberia could tell that her mother put them in when she left, hoping that Emberia would soon put out the fire before the house burned down.
Emberia looked at the fire. She had a feeling that she was going to pass the test with flying colors. The embers that lay in the fire also burned like lights of hope in Emberia’s eyes, and sitting there, watching the embers continue on made her smile. She grabbed her mother’s note off the table and watched the edges burn as she held it in front of the coals. The fire sputtered to life again, and the paper turned to ash. The word “promise” seemed to burn the fastest. Figures, thought Emberia, mother could never keep her promises anyway. She knew that if her mother promised to make Emberia a sandwich, and promised the town she’d jump off a bridge, she’d choose the bridge first.
In this case, the bridge was Cellien, her boyfriend, also known as the “Sword Guru”.
Emberia turned away from the note, which was now just ash fragments. It made Emberia’s heart sink knowing that her mother couldn’t reject her in person, and would rather have it in writing. Her eyes slowly crept up toward the window. She looked outside, eager to see what was happening today in Rosslo Island.
Birds were singing their last song before they hurried back to their nests to feed their young, while the sunset was putting up one last fight, just peaking over the horizon, creating dazzling displays of red, orange, yellows, and pinks. The moon was growing brighter with every passing hour, fervent about taking the sun away from the people. She looked around. The were selling their possessions to get money…that was what people mainly did in Rosslo. They either farmed, caught fish, chopped trees, or sold items. Emberia watched life go on as if she wasn’t apart of it.
A man was selling herring for only 75 bronze coins. Children were running around the streets, chasing each other in their tattered clothing, and mothers were shouting to their kids to stop and come back to them. Rosslo had always been a peaceful village, and when people wanted to retire from their adventure in Aslendalion, they came here. Lots of old swordsmen and merchants lived in Rosslo, but it was still small nonetheless.
Emberia sighed and turned her head to the left only to find a full length mirror. She saw a young woman with long, blonde hair that went down her back and curled at the end. She had shockingly green eyes and pearly white teeth to match. Then she looked at her clothes. She had a dark blue and a sea-blue top. Such an outdated look, she thought to herself. she wished she could have Crystalia’s clothes. A robin’s egg skirt, that only went down to her knees. She also wore a robin’s egg top with a corset. Emberia sighed. Suddenly remembering the chicken, she quickly took it off the crackling fire and set it on a wooden plate. She grabbed out two more plates and yelled, “Aquita, dinner’s ready!”
A beautiful young woman with blonde wavy hair slowly came down the stairs. She smiled, showing off her dazzling white teeth. Her ice-blue eyes gleamed with pure contentment.
“You’re looking at me as if you’ll never see me again.” she said, her voice as smooth, soft and rich. Her voice always reminded Emberia of the sweetest orchestra in Aslendalion—their music so harmonious and delicate.
“Well, I never do get to see you. You never come to visit. Why did you decide now, right when I’m about to leave?”
“Well, I have a…they found an ancient city somewhere near Rosslo Island, and they asked me to help them recover it. I never come to visit because you know how hard it is to get around the rules. Aslendalion forbids this stuff. But beside that, I wanted to see my little sister off to the great land of Aslendalion. That’s not something I could afford to miss, now is it?” she replied, grabbing some chicken and sitting down at the table.
“Why do you like digging old bones up when you could be out being a famous archer or weaver?” asked Emberia, her mouth full of hot steamy chicken.
“I’m not ‘digging up old bones’, I’m discovering the unknowns about history. Just you wait—in twenty years or less I’ll be mentioned as a great discoverer in a classroom.” bragged Aquita.
“Yeah. But just mentioned.” teased Emberia, smiling. Aquita laughed and threw a dinner roll at her little sister.
“Now class,” said Haylion, “you all have been great with mastering the basic sword techniques. I will rate your progress on Testing Day. You will be performing simple sword grips, slicing techniques, and battle strategies. Today, I would like you to practice your grips and techniques with partners.” the class looked at their friends hopefully. Haylion noticed this and said, “Sorry class, but I thought today I would pair you up myself.” the glass groaned. He cleared his throat and said, “Now, Mellificent, you will be going with Robert. Laylee, you will go with Emberia. Rose, you will be paired with Crystalia. Yasment…”
“Who’s Rose?” asked Crystalia to Emberia.
“She’s the one with the black hair and violet eyes.” Emberia replied. Crystalia stared blankly at her. Emberia sighed and whispered, “The red top with the black skirt.”
“Ohhh…” said Crystalia, nodding.
“Now, you all have your partners. Get to work! I will go around evaluating your progress.” said Haylion.
Whistling sounds could be heard all around as swords sliced through the air. The only talking was from Haylion, who was commenting on everyone’s progress.
“Robert, perfect as usual…Emberia, very nice technique…” he walked over to Crystalia and stared at her a moment.
“Crystalia,” he finally said. “what makes you mad?”
“Huh?” questioned Crystalia.
“What makes your blood boil?” he repeated, not taking his eyes off her.
“Well…my mom, I guess.” said Crystalia.
“Had a fight?” he asked.
“Something like that.”
“I want you to use that.”
“What?”
“Go with me a minute.” he said, coming up beside her. “Rose isn’t Rose. Rose is the cause of your anger, which in this case, is your mother. You just got in this big argument, and she thinks she right, right? But she’s not. You are. And you need to fight for that. Show her who’s right!” he exclaimed. Crystalia focused her senses. She moved her sword swiftly, professionally…she would not accept her mother being right.
“Thanks.” said Crystalia.
“Hey, it’s what I do.” he said, clasping a hand on her shoulder. “Rose isn’t Rose. Remember that.” he said. He walked away and continued evaluating people, stopping them to correct their problems.
“Haylion sure is an odd one.” said Emberia, walking along the dusty path.
“Yeah. At least I have my techniques right now. I can’t afford to blow this, and prove that my mother was right.” agreed Crystalia.
“Right about what?” asked Emberia.
“Oh, she agrees with Mr. Whizard that I shouldn’t go to Aslendalion.” said Crystalia, looking down at her feet. She didn’t want to see Emberia’s green eyes. She didn’t want to see what expression she had. Crystalia was afraid.
“That’s terrible…” said Emberia softly, drifting off.
The rest of the walk home was in complete and utter silence.
“Hello. Mother?” said Emberia as she got home.
“Yes, I’m here.” said her mother, coming down the stiars. She had beautiful brown hair that went passed her shoulders and curled at the end, just like Emberia‘s. She had icy-blue hair like her sisters. Emberia lit up with happiness to see her mother home.
“Hey, mother, can we go shop—” said Emberia.
Cellien suddenly burst through the door.
“Who’s ready to go dancing?” he asked, coming over and twirling her mother.
“Oh, Cell, stop that.” he mother laughed. It was as if Emberia’s hopes were popped like a balloon.
Cellien was the needle.
“Cell, I was wondering if maybe I could take my mother out shopping.” said Emberia, trying to fight back. She wasn’t going to let her get away again.
“Emberia,” her mother laughed, “you can go have fun with Aquita! You’ll have lots of fun. Bubye now.” she said, Cellien twirling her out the door.
Home alone once again.
“Aquita?” she called softly. No response. She took out her contact ring.
“Crystalia.” she said into it. A few minutes later her mother picked up.
“Ah, Emberia.” she said bitterly. “What a…surprise. Crystalia can’t goof off today. She’s being punished.”
“Was she late from school?” questioned Emberia.
“I believe that that is between Crystalia and I, so please, I would very much appreciate it if you,” her mother looked away, as if she was smiling coldly at someone. “if you would not call her anymore, or come over here. She is tired of putting up with you, Emberia. She says if you come around here ever again, she will be forced to call the authorities and have you arrested. Good day to you.” Emberia could hear a distant “No!” as Crystalia’s mother hung up.
“That was a bit odd.” said Emberia to herself. “I wonder if she’ll be at archery practice tomorrow…”
The rest of the night was silent.
“Keep your bows up, children!” exclaimed Arleeia, straightening out a boy’s bow grip. Emberia and Crystalia held up their bow for her.
“Alright, that…children!” she yelled. “Children! Please come over here.” she said. She stood on a wooden platform only inches off the ground. The pupils came over to her like sheep being brought by a whistle.
“Now children. Please can someone show me the bow grip?” asked Arleeia.
“I can.” said Robert smugly, raising his hand.
“I can too!” stated Crystalia, shooting her hand up. Robert frowned at her, and she shot him a dirty look.
“Alright then, Robert, Crystalia, get up here please.” she said. They got up on stage, not taking their eyes off each other. This is it, thought Crystalia, this is to settle the score.
“Alright. Robert, show us a standard bow grip. And Crystalia, please show us a Crossbow grip.” being as perfect as possible, Crystalia firmly placed her hands on the wooden bow.
“Excellent job, guys.” she said, clapping. “Now class, bow grips is extremely important when fighting people and monsters. One sloppy bow grip could result in sloppy shooting, and sloppy shooting doesn’t win you a battle, now does it?” the class shook their head in unison . “Yes. So,” she said, turning to Crystalia and Robert. “I would like you guys to demonstrate what a good bow hold can do for you.” Rober smiled devilishly. Crystalia lowered her head and looked at him with the coldest eyes Emberia had ever seen. They were attractive, menacing, threatening, daring…the class moved closer, wanting to look at the action, absorbing the friction like sponges. Emberia couldn’t help herself but to move with them.
“Um, are you sure we should actually have a battle? Are you allowed to do that?” asked one kid. Everyone turned to look at him, giving him dirty glances, for he had ruined all the fun.
“Poppycock. Who is the teacher here?” she said sharply.
“You are.” the boy said. Some people sniggered, making the boy blush a deep red.
“Yes. They shall be perfectly fine. Besides, you’re having magic class after. You can ask her to fix you up.” she said, waving her hand. “Now, let the battle begin!”
“Sure you don’t wanna give up?” sneered Robert. They were circling each other, daring the other to attack. “Ha. That’s what I thought. Same old Crystal—”
Swish.
Robert grabbed his leg in sheer pain. He yelled.
“You want to say that again?” demanded Crystalia. She felt on top of the world. “You pick on me again, and it’ll be the last words you ever speak.” The class gasped, shocked. They knew Crystalia didn’t like Robert, but to say a threat so meanacing… the class, including the teacher, leaned in more. Emberia sighed. But she did have to admit, she couldn’t keep her eyes off of the battle.
Robert strung his bow and shot. Crystalia spun out of the way and shot another arrow in one swift motion. The two moved like a well oiled machine, dodging arrows and firing again. They were like a dance team; spinning, jumping, rolling out of the way. Beads of sweat formed on their foreheads.
“Alright, that’s good, I think they get it.” said the teacher.
But it was too late. They were fighting, and they wouldn’t stop until the other had cried for mercy. They jumped off the stage, continued to take the battle south. The class followed them, their eyes glued to Crystalia and Robert. They’re strategies were more complicated now; more professional. Jumping from tree to tree, ducking and sliding…it looked as though a well practiced performance starring to sworn enemies. The battle got more heated, more arrows got fired, blood started to show. Mud got on their clothes, and twigs got in their hair as they continued to brawl. Arleeia tried to stop them, but they wouldn’t listen. Their eyes gleamed with the pleasure of the other’s pain as arrows went flying. Like a drug, they wanted more. They needed it. They couldn’t stop. They loved the feeling of it flowing through their veins, the power surging in them like their heartbeat. Continuously sending a sense of contentment down their spine. Emberia and Rose held them back, trying to keep them to fight more. Arleeia was yelling at them, but like a couple in love, it was like they were in their own world; a dream of wish they would not like to wake from. After five minutes, their dream disintegrated, and they were brought back to reality. The sharp pains started to come as Crystalia realized she had been hit five times. Robert was not much better, being so severely scratched and bruised. The students stood over the two, while the boy who had spoke up was standing back with this arms crossed, smiling smugly.
“Ohh…” moaned Crystalia in pain as she stumbled into Maggie’s room, the only one who could heal Crystalia’s pain. Maggie noticed her and rushed to her right away. She put a warm hand on Crystalia’s shoulder, making her fall back into Maggie’s arms.
“Oh dear, Miss Bulagar, what has happened?” asked Maggie, her frown lines going deeper.
“Arleeia thought it was a good idea to stage a battle between Robert and Crystalia. What she didn’t know was that Robert and Crystalia don’t like each other.” replied Emberia. “At all.”
“Why in the land of Aslendalion would she do such a horrible thing?” demanded Maggie firmly.
“She figured you would heal them when they got here.” said Emberia. At that moment, Robert came bursting through the door.
“Oh, dear.” said Maggie worriedly, putting a hand on her cheek. “The most I could do right now is at least make the pain go away for twenty four hours so I can clean up the wounds. Oh,” she said, turning to the class. “Class, please…please read your spell books. I’ll be back in a little bit.” she turned toward Robert and Crystalia. “Let’s get you cleaned up. That was very irresponsible of you guys. You could have been killed even before you made it to the island.” She scolded as she lead them to her office.
“Alright children.” Maggie said, coming out of her office. Crystalia and Robert followed her. They were covered by bandages and scratches. The class couldn’t help but to stare.
“Let’s focus our attention back on magic, hm?” Maggie said, clasping her hands together. She turned to the slate board and wrote “elements” on it. She turned back to the class and said, “Elements. In magic, there are four of them. The elements are very powerful, and need to be performed with caution. Who can tell me the four basic elements of magic?” she said, sweeping her eyes over the class. They sat there, motionless. Emberia slowly stood up.
“Fire, water, earth, and…grass?” she guessed.
“You got the first three right. The other basic element is wind. Now, there are other elements, such as like Emberia said, grass, but there’s also electric, ice, lava, and some people are starting to use steel and psychic, too. But,” she continued, “there are also too powerful forces for us. Performing them—there’s no telling if it will go wrong. You could either hit your foe, and immediately kill them, or it will kill you.” the class leaned in forward, anxious to hear them. “Now, these aren’t exactly elements, but some people consider them as. They are the power of light, dark, and ghosts. Light is more dangerous than you think, combining the sun’s power with a burst of fire energy. Relissa, the good goddess of Aslendalion, has been so far the only human being able to use the power of light.”
“You said human being. So does that mean there are monsters out there who use the power of light?” one girl piped up.
“Well, not very many. Probably only three. Well, for one, there’s the Raygasonas, this long, big, green floating snake, sent out to protect part of the Unknown Regions. Then, there’s Aylonda, who is the most powerful pixie in the world, and also said to have fought along side of Relissa. Then, there’s the powerful Ruubanda, which is a massively big green dragon, also said to roam the Unknown Regions.”
“So, if Relissa can use the power of light,” said Crystalia. Everyone turned to stare. “does that mean Raven uses the power of dark?”
“The power of the night?” she corrected. “Yes, yes of course. Raven isn’t as good with dark as Relissa is good with light, because Raven always had servants and armies to do her work. Remember class, this will be on the test. Relissa is the good goddess, Raven is the bad.”
“If light combines the sun’s power with fire, then what is dark’s power made up of?” asked Emberia.
“My, you children sure are thirsty for knowledge.“ she laughed. “…I can’t really say. It combines the power of the moon with another special element, but nobody knows exactly which element it could be. It could be pyschic, ghost, maybe dark lava…like I said, it’s hard to tell. Alright, now that that’s over, I’d like you to try a couple of spells.” she scanned her eyes over the room once more. “Mellificent, Emberia, please stand up.” the two girls slowly rose over the rest of the class. “Come up here and face to the left.” like puppies with shock colllars, they obeyed her every command. “You see those two dressers?” she said. The two girls nodded. “I want you to burn them with fire.” the class looked as if she was crazy.
“The spell is: sandooney, meserioni, denjinde. But before you say it, I want you to squint your eyes. Then, put one foot back, because you may be pushed back from the power. Open your mind.” she turned to the class while Emberia and Melificent obeyed her command. “Now class. You may wonder why I asked them to open their mind. You see, in magic, your senses sharpen when performing spells. You an hear from miles away, smell what’s cooking in your parent’s home, and see every sharp corner; every detailed edge. If you open your mind, the change can occur. If you do not open your mind, the spell backfires. Now, Mellificent, I would like you to go first. Emberia, please step back. Mellificent, say the spell as clear as you possibly can. In fact, yell out the spell. You are the ruler of the spells. They don’t rule you.” said Maggie, throwing in extra advice.
“S-Sandooney, meserioni, denjinde.” a somewhat small burst of colorful flames shot from Mellificent’s hands. It burnt the dresser to a crisp in less than five seconds. The class cheered, and Mellificent blushed as she went back to her seat.
“Very good Mellificent, very good! Now, Emberia, please step up to your dresser. Yell out the spell. When you’re in magic, yelling out the spell is great if you want best results.”
“Um…” said Emberia uncomfortably.
“You don’t want to?” asked Maggie. The class booed, sending shivers down Emberia’s spine.
“Do the spell!” one kid shouted. Emberia turned toward the dresser, her senses sharpening.
“Sandooney, meserioni, denjinde!” yelled Emberia at the top of her lungs. An explosion of dazzling fire blasted from her hands, exploded the dresser. Emberia was flung back onto the other wall. Emberia hit it hard and sank to the ground, grunting in pain. She sat there, mortified of what she did. Not only did she turn the dresser to ash, she also had burned through the wall, and the grass that dared stand in the fire’s way.
Maggie looked through the huge hole, wondering what to do. The class stayed silent. Emberia slowly got up. She went to the front of the classroom and bowed shakily, setting off a loud round of cheering and applause to the students. Maggie turned from the wall and applauded too, making Embeira blush, and making Mellificent sink in her seat. Emberia was high-fived as she went to her desk.
“Now you see what happens.” Maggie laughed. “Now class, to get great results like Emberia did, you must unleash the magic inside of you. A great power which can—”
The school bell suddenly rang, making her jump.
“Yes. Now, don’t forget to study!” she called as everyone rushed out.
“That was so cool. You were like, yelling, then ‘pwooooo’.” said Crystalia, imitating an explosion. Emberia laughed. “What about you? That fight was really something to see.” she said. Crystalia’s laughed too. Then, she saw her mother. Waiting outside.
With an empty bottle.
“Uhh, Emberia, hey…thanks for walking me home. I can take it from here.” she gave Emberia her best smile, hoping she would take the lie.”
“Um, fine.” she turned around to walk home. “I’m calling you, though.” she said over her shoulder. Crystalia rushed to her mother.
“You’re…you’re forty-three seconds late.” her mother said, hanging on to the house for support. She was slurring a bit, but it was barely noticeable. Time to think quick, thought Crystalia, tell her something interesting to get mess up her train of thought. Crystalia helped her mother inside and said, “Guess what? I almost killed Robert today.” she slapped a hand to her mouth, wishing she could eat those words up as soon as she said it.
“That reminds me.” said Crystalia’s mother. Before Crystalia had a chance to react, her mother swung the brown bottle at her, shattering it as it hit Crystalia’s forehead. She screamed in pain.
“You little shit,” her mother said, “didn’t they teach you to duck?” She swung again, this time missing by inches. Her mother kneed Crystalia in the stomach, but unlike last time, she did not stop. She kept kicking, and kicking, and kicking. Kicking until Crystalia yelled and grabbed her mother’s throat. But her mother grabbed Crystalia’s hands and dug her nails into them, breaking the flesh. Crystalia grabbed her bow, aimed it, and froze.
“It’s your choice.” said Crystalia.
“You wouldn’t dare.” sneered her mother. “I know you.”
“No, you don’t!” yelled Crystalia. She shot the arrow, and in less than three seconds her mother was on the ground screaming. The floor was consumed by ruby red blood as Crystalia watched blankly. Her mother clutched her stomach and continued to scream. Crystalia ran down the hall and grabbed her backpack. This was it. She was never coming back. She returned to the kitchen, where her mother still laid. Crystalia took an arrow from her quiver and got down on her hands and knees. And there, by her mother’s side, she etched into the polished wood floors, R-I-P.
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a_jonesy reviewed Version 1 -
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Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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Mikhail_S reviewed Version 2 -
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There are numerous grammar issues here, from your incorrect use of dialogue (at the end of each sentence you should have a comma, the speech marks then ‘he said’ and so on in lower case).
However… this is more skilful than some of the material posted by the adults on here so… well done!
I think a certain immediacy might help in your words, practicing a certain policy of “de-weeding” the superfluous adjectives, especially at the beginning of the piece which relies on an intense, searing start to mirror your careful word choice. I feel because you are selecting words with such alacrity and careful precision, to make a work publishable you must be prepared to do a great deal of cutting at the editing stage.
There are some strange usages of phrases throughout the piece, most notably that of “smoothly shaped the cursive letters” … these types of phrase imply that the writer is confident enough to take their reader on a long trip, which I feel is correct. You should always take your reader by the hand with descriptions and leave a lot to the imagination whenever you can.
That said, I do believe you have sublime descriptive skills, elegant in a Victorian sense and you create your alternate worlds very well. You also do well with people, such as the description of Crystalia, which was the model of elegance. This refined style will be your niche, it has the hallmark of quality and the more well-versed reader will appreciate what you want to do more.
I think also that the dialogue was incredibly well-rendered. We get a real insight into the minds of your personnel here. I think that the detail is quite spot-on for a story like this, which derives itself it would seem from the classicist school of fiction. So I would suggest having a comb through this, seeing what phrases you can sharpen up and which parts you can prune.
For me, this was a pleasurable work to read and remark on.
I hope to read more soon (although you might wish to post in smaller chunks).
Mikhail
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TnD reviewed Version 1 -
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-“white, wood” => No comma.
-“classroom[.] If you will [be] talking, you’ll be talking…”
-“you, and dangers also lie ahead.” => Might want to change to, ‘you, as well as the dangers of the land.’ or something like that.
-They didn’t KNOW it was the medieval times. Same with the ‘cookies’ thing. Probably wouldn’t make much sense back then.
-“and sighed[.] [W]ith…”
-“her, and, going to plan B,” => Might want to change to “Instead of masking her pain, she laughed along with them, pretending to get the joke…” or something like that.
-‘Bliss’ doesn’t really fit in the sentence. Just leave it with laughter. Bliss is defined as heaven like. Not really where they are.
-“sword[.] [A]nother one [is] using…”
-“a smile of sarcasm” => sarcastic smile.
-“also learned archery to” => Either ‘also’ or ‘too,’ not both.
-“whispered Emberia to Crystalia.” => Emberia whispered to… In the next sentence, you mentioned that Emberia wasn’t looking at Crystalia? Crystalia was taking notes and Emberia was looking somewhere else, but managed to whisper?
-“years[.] [B]ut due to [the war], all”
-“skillers or fighters” => I understand that they’re two different classifications, but ‘skillers’ sounds a bit odd. Maybe change it to ‘skill-users’?
-“behold, and” => No comma.
-“[T]he kids stopped in an instant, [as]...”
-“ringaling” => ring-a-ling
-“year[,] just so”
-“becoming for angry[.] She dug…” => for?
-“that they had” => “that [the nails] had”
-“warn her a day’s notice” => Either ‘give her a day’s…’ or ’...day ahead of time.’
-“bright, brilliant” => No need for both.
-“Since [they were] mere”
-Excellent description of the interaction between Crystlaia and her mother. Especially the hints that were dropped (the bottle, the ring, etc.)
-“island[,] mother.”
-Going to stop pointing out where commas SHOULD go or SHOULD NOT go. That should save you some credits. I’d suggest giving this to a local English teacher to go over, as well. Maybe they can help you with the comma usage.
-I have to say that (as of right now), I’m intrigued with the story. The beginning seemed to start a little slow, but with the abusive mother, you’ve peaked my interest. Good job!
-How does one watch a tear fall from their own eye?
-Earlier when the mother mentioned the father, it gave the impression that he was still alive. I’d suggest mentioning the father’s death prior to the fight between Crystlaia and her mother. That way, the reader doesn’t have to read back and see if it was mentioned.
-I like the irony with ‘promise’
-How does the sunset put up a fight? Maybe have something like, “the sunset cast off it’s final rays” or something like that.
-Good job with giving Crystlaia the motivation to perform her sword technique. But, most people during that time respected their elders, regardless. It’s as though you’re inserting some of our own reality into the story. While that’s fine with most fantasy, you’ve may want to tone it down. Just a suggestion.
-“complete and utter” => No need for ‘and utter.’ Complete silence’ gets the point across.
-Does the mother have brown hair or icy-blue hair? You made mention of both.
-Contact ring => You mentioned it earlier in the story, but never really explained how it works. While we, as a reader, are supposed to suspend belief for a fantasy story…I don’t understand how this contact ring works. Maybe put a paragraph somewhere talking about how it works. Such as, have Crystlaia begging for one. While she’s begging, have her tell her mother about all the things it can do. Something like that.
-“friction like sponges” => Maybe ‘tension’ instead of ‘friction.’ Friction gives the impression that they’re touching each other. ‘Tension’ seems to be what you’re going for here.
-As far as the fight between Crystlaia and Robert, I would suggest giving more details and breaking it up a bit. It’s one big paragraph, whereas it could be a pivotal scene in the story. Maybe give a blow-by-blow. SHOW how they got the wounds, don’t TELL us that they got the wounds. Show, don’t tell. (You’ll hear that a LOT on this website)
-“long, big, floating” => Cut down to ‘large, floating’ or something like that. Having ‘long’ and ‘big’ next to each other sounds kind of redundant.
-“You an hear from…” => This sentence doesn’t make sense.
-The mother shattered the bottle than swung it at her head AGAIN? What did she swing?
-still laid => still lay.
-All right. As far as the spelling/grammar, I’d suggest either getting Microsoft Word or go to OpenOffice.org and getting a word processor. As far as the story itself, I think you’ve got a great start. It starts out a little slow, but starting with the first fight, it seemed like you found your voice as a writer and became more comfortable with what you were writing. You’ve got believable characters, but the mother seemed a little shallow. Maybe give her some more action in the story besides being drunk and beating her kid, while she’s at home for an hour or so. But, that’s just my opinion.
You’re young and I understand that. You’ve got a heck of a start to a story here. Don’t stop now, keep going at it.
Thanks for sharing.
napalmwriter reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Cute story. Nice descriptives. Punctuation and grammar need work. A spell-check wouldn’t hurt.
Repetitive sentence structure. Lots of “The…” and “They…”. Variation keeps it from becoming tedious.
Excessive use of weak verbs. Ex: Her clear-complexioned face had a confused look streaked across it. Good description, but you lessen its impact with “had.” Use an active verb: She stared, her clear-complexioned face streaked with confusion.
Extremely wordy. Say more with less. Ex: The sun was shining and…—This whole paragraph is weak. “Was” is a linking verb. Active verbs paint a more vivid picture: Emberia and Crystalia ran to the field as birds chirped their tales in the sunshine. The next three sentences are all fluff. Try something like: The lush grass, dotted with radiant flowers, waved lazily in the cool breeze. 13 words versus 51. “Waved” gives the reader action to visualize, instead of a long explanation of “was” and “were” to muddle through.
She tried to blink them back…ending it’s short life.—Lots of words for a tear, but I like the “ending it’s life” thing. Maybe… She tried to blink it back, but failed; her tear died on the wooden floor.
Inconsistent point-of-view. Ex: It dawned on her that Crystalia…—The story seems to start with Mr. Whizard’s point-of-view, but this sentence changes to Emberia’s. Keep POV consistent. When you do change POV, make the transition clear, to prevent confusion.
so quietly that Crystalia had to strain to hear.—Again, consistent POV is important. How does Mr. Whizard know she had to strain to hear it? I think you are going for an “omnibus” POV. A single-character’s POV is best. The reader can put him/herself into the character and see the story through their eyes. Hopping around gets confusing.
Her torso was a robin’s egg blue—“Torso” makes it sound like her body itself was blue. Clarify that her clothes were blue (shirt/blouse/tunic/robe/whatever).
bell suddenly rang—“Suddenly” is a needless qualifier.
in less than three seconds—This is like “suddenly”. It’s added to emphasize how suddenly something happens. Funny thing is that it makes the action slower for the reader. Digging through fluff words actually slows down the perceived action. Fewer words make the action seem faster: She shot the arrow. Her mother fell, screaming. Much more impactful and it is perceived as faster.
DragonQueen reviewed Version 2 -
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If you will talking,
If you will be talking,
I liked it, The beginning was hard to get in to I admit, but after that it was good. I don’t have examples, it was all pretty much great. Above is a mistake i noticed but is the only on eI put down. This was just one I noiticed that bugged me a little. I thought you could just find the others on spell check or something.
I really loved the ending, that is where the audience gasps in unison.
Sorry not a long review, but all I can think of to say was that it was great.
I didn’t give you perfect tens because of the beginning, didn’t exactly capture my attention, and the publishable is 7 because of the grammer mistakes, but good job.
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