thank you so much for reading and reviewing I truly appreciate it. Your feedback is not only thorough and helpful, it is also inspiring. I will certainly return the read. I felt the same way about the never cherished, unsure if anyone would understand it’s meaning. i wanted to say uncherished but webster won’t let me. i wanted to express the fact that fear, in some way is always present and lurking until we face them. the dark ones are often ignored with no desire to tackle them and push forward. i guess i should figure a simpler way or illeminate it.
Poetry / Love remains the same.
He said I was a “disappointment” to him.
That stung like a welt, I started to fire
Right back with “you’re a failure yourself!”
But I couldn’t, the word boggled me so.
How can that label apply to me? Immediately I accessed my minds view master, quickly clicking through scenes, usually reserved for more pleasant memory matters. Maybe the answer has always dwelled here, cleverly hiding in the shadows of my dark, never cherished fears.
Desperately I climbed the walls through the matter, to recall, what I’d done to cause the fall. Stripping down defenses, pain and all.
Clearing out untruths, and scrubbing away abuse.
Void.
There was nothing-even remnant of discontent.
No regret for the time we spent.
No recollection of disillusionment.
So why am I entertaining this discouragement?
I’m clear of all charges. I loved past the end. I did overtime, voluntary. So why does it hurt so bad? Then it hit me, like the face of the moon at midnight. As sharp as the sun’s glare in noonday light. For the first time, I knew
Unequivocally, “I” had loved “him” unconditionally.
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trouten_m reviewed Version 3 -
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Not really poetry I think, but it speaks well for so many relationships. The fact that he called you a disappointment means that you are well rid of him. You loved him unconditionally. He could only be disappointed b/c he was unable to love you back and that is a fault that lies with him alone.
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Willow_Wren reviewed Version 3 -
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This tale of unconditional love read more like prose and the format is more like prose than poetry and it’s all telling, not showing, by that I mean it’s all statements and declaratives, there are no images or actions that bring forth a vision in the reader’s mind, it is hard to identify with him, as we know nothing about ‘him’ or the narrator for that fact too. Who are these people? Why are they together, what made him say those terrible things? And why does the narrator love him unconditionally? Why has he earned it? That should be told in a few imagistic words that develops the poem in the readers mind. A good beginning to a story, but needs work as a poem.
BellaJ77 reviewed Version 3 -
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ok so…
The first stanza setting up the scene was well written. In the second and third stanza the imagery was creative and vivid. I especially like the “minds view master” and the frantic “climb through walls” and “scrubbing away abuse” to find some sort of clarity.
The last phrase of the second stanza puzzles me a bit “never cherished fears.” It’s not exactly clear to me, maybe its the combination of cherished fears.
This on one line “Void.” was great. The abrupt stop reminds me of a tape suddenly freezing which is relevant since your mind is a “view master”.
I love the rhythm and rhyme of the fifth stanza (after Void.) It flows really well.
The imagery of the moon and daylight were good as well. It communicates your surprise.
All in all, a well structured piece, good imagery and clarity;conveys the writers message well.
drbailey reviewed Version 3 -
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Dear Stranger,
A love poem that isn’t full of typical cliches. I full heartedly thank you for that. Since this was missing the cliches, I felt that the personal feel made me sympathize with the speaker more than I would have otherwise. I mean, who’s really going to sympathize with someone who’s repeating things everyones heard before? Good job on that.
You have some great things working here: the first stanza is excellent. I love that you refrained from end rhyme. It’s everyone on this site. I also like “stung like a welt” and the way you use the word fire as if they’re shooting guns at each other—as if they’re in a duel. Which they kind of are.
I also like how the second stanza uses a child’s toy -- the viewfinder. I wasn’t sure about memory matters. I like the alliteration, but at the end of the sentence that me read it awkward. However, I also like how the dual meaning of memory matters works -- it could be an importance or an event. That matters. This is a formal matter.
You somewhat enter rhyme in the third and fourth stanza -- and this really takes away the effect the first two stanzas had for me. The third stanza isn’t as unique as the first two. You could really continue with that creativity to craft very unique phrases. And I know you can -- because you did in the first two stanzas.
I like the line—“I’m clear of all charges”. As if you reconcile yourself against his accusations.
I’m going to stop typing now so this doesnt cost a lot of points to open. Overall, I really like where this piece is going and your unique creativity. If you have any questions I can answer them in comments so that it wont cost points.
Stay cool, hope this helps in some way.
D.R.
FunkMo reviewed Version 2 -
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For free verse, I think it’s really well thought out. The switch back and forth to rhyme is somewhat awkward but not too much of a distraction. But the second last stanza stands out as maybe too much rhyme. Maybe if you went for an ABAB pattern then it would be more subtle, unless you see that stanza as being the most important because it sticks out the most. But I would argue that the last stanza is the most vital because that is where the large conclusion lies. And I think it is a very beautiful conclusion at that. The realization that the narrator comes to is so simple yet so deep.
I could also see the second line in the second stanza being broken in two lines,
and then the last stanza being split into four lines as to keep a physical balance on the page, which would also stress the “void.”
Lovely.
pixistardust reviewed Version 2 -
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Is the second line in the second stanza meant to be so much longer than the others? It looks odd, and messes with the flow. There are some obvious parts of it that would be good line breaks. Also the last stanza reads more like a paragraph in my head…
I like how you’ve used a kinda rhyme but not really scheme… this piece reads great out loud and seems like it would be good as slam poetry.
I have two favorite parts: the first stanza, and the second to last. You have done a wonderful job of describing heartbreak without being depressing, angsty or sad in a cheesy way. Other than a few minor tweaks with the form and flow I could consider this a finished piece. Very good job!
fruityness12 reviewed Version 2 -
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Beautiful. I love the part where it rhymes.
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 -
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The fist stanza is the best. I think maybe you need to work on the rest of the poem to bring it around to that order you set up in the beginning.It reads so easily compared to the rest of the poem. I hear your pain. Make me feel it.
michforoffice reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked “the word boggled me so”. I think I did not know, instead of “I did’nt know” reads better. I also think the second stanza would be better in 4 lines and not 2. I loved “Clearing out untruths, and scrubbing away abuse.” Have you ever thought of starting a new line after “void”. I don’t like poetry, but this one was nice. I thought you did a really good job. xx
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