Poetry / by now (Analysis)

you would think by now i would have all the answers
by now i would have danced with all life’s dancers
i would at least have figured out up from down
would understand in my mirror… just who is this reflective clown
recall so vividly in my bed when would met wood, tasting earth as the ground shook
embedded memories now enslaved with all i gave… all they took
these years on planet earth not absorbing smarter… only sponging up the dumb
taste buds so raw, could once climax with a mere drip of her souls passion, now only inhaling the scent of numb
i make perfect sense of the need for sleep but comprehend so few of my dreams
try to grasp them i do, only to feel them melt through my fingers like warm sex ice cream
just where has all hope gone… how has my life become so jaded
colourful memories unrenewed, have been rewashed over and over to the point of faded
did i become so flaccid that i am stuck on the dry cleaning rack of life, for no one to claim
wait… are there are still bits and pieces of good, still stuck in its drain
i do clearly remember when people did actually care
i have looked in city streets, bars where all trade meat, in my closet, under my bed, in my head
no one is there

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neophytepoetess avatar General Friend

November 06, 2008

neophytepoetess Prolific-icon-medium

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neophytepoetess reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I can FEEL this piece; you really put me in your life for a moment anyway. I could do without the word sex in the line warm sex ice cream. The sexuality of the poem is better without the forced-ness of this word. IMO

Great writing.

sadpoet avatar General Friend

September 16, 2008

sadpoet

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sadpoet reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The first two lines have a lot to say but in that respect, it seems long as well; it doesn’t roll of the tongue.  I would try to condense it.

You’d think by now, I’d have all the answers or by now I’d of danced with all life’s dancers.
I’d have figured out up from down

I love the “reflective clown”, it gives much insight to the overall scheme of things…GREAT!

recall so vividly (in my bed when would met wood0…difficult to understand. tasting earth as the __ ground shook (describe exactly, an adjective).
embedded memories now enslaved with all i gave… all they took…excellent!
only sponging up the (dumb-change this word to something signifying the difference in what you were seeking…)
scent of numb-Nice but what exactly is the “scent of numb?”  It would do well to change the two end words.  Look in the thesaurasus and find equivilents.
The jaded and faded are very intelligent and create vast meanings.
I think the end should be more elaborate and expand on simply what you are seeking.
Minimal revision is needed, it is a grand piece and thank you for the opportunity.  I love reading your work!

Willow_Wren avatar General Friend

August 30, 2008

Willow_Wren

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Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This is quite haunting and descriptive of the loneliness and disappointment of the narrator in life’s illusions at some point in his life, taking stock of a life perhaps that is less than imagined at perhaps some earlier youthful time filled with expectations. There are some lovely moments and phrases here. One in particular struck me, ‘only to feel them melt through my fingers like warm sex ice cream,’ another is ‘colourful memories unrenewed, have been rewashed over and over to the point of faded.’ The thoughtful introspection moves this reader.

A couple of places confuse me, as in ‘when would met wood’ and ‘did I become so flaccid…” which attributes a state of softness that somehow rings odd as in a flaccid character or state of the body? Not sure what is meant here. ‘Stuck in the drain’ comes out of the blue and seems harsh compared to the rest of the poem. The last three lines sort of contradict each other with the verb tenses chosen. Better would be to use remember in the present with cared, now I look in city streets, in bars etc, no one there. Once there were people of substance is what I think the narrator is trying to say, not there is no one. Some good editing would help this soulful poem.

oknapp avatar General Friend

August 28, 2008

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

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oknapp reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This is the bast of your work. The absolute best. It is so telling.

“embedded memories now enslaved with all i gave… all they took
these years on planet earth not absorbing smarter… only sponging up the dumb”

This i do not believe. Life expierences make us what we are. You have learned and that is the problem. Many live through a glass darkly. A cliche i know but what the hell. You have seen through the dark; this is what the poet is struggling with—the image is embedded like a fossil in a rock.  

taste buds so raw, could once climax with a mere drip of her souls passion, now only inhaling the scent of numb. Not numb, just asleep. the poet is the passion he was, maybe not at the same speed.
This is magnificant. My favorite. The images make me cry, but softly. There is so much here to like and digest.
“are there are still bits and pieces of good, still stuck in its drain”  Yes there are!  I wish i could sit down and create images and thoughts like this. A good poem evokes a feeling. This evokes many feelings, and leaves one almost vested in the thought. It is the kind of work that makes one search inside  one’s  own self. Like burnt toast it leaves a trace of itself upon the reader. SANDI

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jadedpoet avatar

jadedpoet

Age: 39
Loc: Norcross, GA
Gen: M
Last Login: December 01
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