While I think the end is as it should be—you peel interest me with this idea of a punchline being the best way to end a story.
Do you have a specific example for this?
Flash Fiction / That Sensation on the Palm (Analysis)
You wake up in the morning to an itchy rash on the palm of your hand. This isn’t some sissy poison ivy, or the measles, or mumps. It isn’t even some sexual encounter’s leftovers. Don’t even act like it is, because you intimately know that it’s not.
The rash is, however, itching like a bad sunburn—driving you to the point of crazy laughter after your fierce scratching yields no relief.
Hey, it’s better than crying.
The thing is serious enough that you go to the doctor.
“That’s a son of a bitch,” the doctor tells you.
“Son of a bitch,” you concur.
The doctor gives you some antihistamines and you down twice the dose. Let’s just say you aren’t the highest itch tolerance person, nor do you have tolerance to drowsiness.
When you wake up in the morning the rash has a face.
It’s not an ugly face, but it’s not really a pretty face either. It’s plain and average and looks a hell of a lot like your ex-girlfriend—so much so that you name it Janna.
“What the hell are you doing here?” You ask Janna. And that’s a good job, what you just did right there: acting like you were madder than you were, instead of being slightly relieved she’s come back.
“Like, I just wanted to tell you,” Janna says, with a smirk that begins to grow from your pinky to thumb, “well, that I totally fucked Billy Boinkings last night.”
This infuriates you so much that you storm out of bed and head down the stairs to the kitchen. You heat up the stove and when it’s hot enough you hold out your palm so Janna gets a good look.
“Whatever,” she says, “did I mention how big his slong was?”
You begin to pummel Janna against the heated burner, and hey, not a bad idea. It gets rid of the itching. Five minutes later Janna has stopped screaming and you have begun. That shit hurts, man.
Then your parents come rushing into the kitchen. They have that, what-the-hell-is wrong-with-my-kid look in their eyes. And you’re not sure what the hell is wrong with you. But you do have a feeling it’s going to involve a lot of involuntary therapy.
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My7Sunday reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. One hell of a quick write/read. I love the second person view, puts me right in there. The bit at the end, about the parents coming in took me back a bit, only because I’m not a teen anymore. However, I was that kid who got the “what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-kid” look from my parents many times and recognized it right away. How did you come up with this radical piece? The idea is flooring, and I love it. If the story was to be longer, I think the second person perspective would tend to get old, but for this it creates an instant sense of conflict in the reader that pushes them along, well, at least for me. I’m not sure what the boundaries are for flash fiction, something I will definitely have to look into, but what ever it’s considered, it’s nothing short of entertaining. Run with it, and I want to read what you come up with.
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wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was really good. Sorta funny and twisted in a flippant and dark way. The funniest apart was when Janna said, “Well I totally fucked Billy Boinkings last night.” You made a dark subject such as self mutulation, into something comical. Not an easy task, but you pulled it off well. I look forward to reading more of your work.
napalmwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not a big fan of second-person writing, even if it is just a gag piece. The writing is clear enough, but kind of pedestrian. Not very vivid or evocative. The story line goes from “odd” to “really odd” but it never quite reaches “funny.” Just…”odd.”
My biggest problem with it is the apparent lack of a point. What is the story trying to convey? It’s like a shaggy dog story but without the punchline. Maybe the parents could come up a witty one-liner to tie it all together. Otherwise, it falls flat.
thiscantbelife reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! I don’t know what to say about this other than I really liked it! It’s very different than anything I’ve read in a while but surely enjoyed reading it!
ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 1 -
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This is original, highly creative and well written. I have no objective critique on those levels, except that properly it’s ‘schlong’ instead of ‘slong.’ I have no idea why I know that. Subjectively, it might work better in the first person but I don’t know. As well, the title seems interesting but not as intense as the piece itself. For some reason I love the conversation with the doctor.
My main criticism regards the ending, and really the last paragraph only. It doesn’t strike sparks for me. It lacks the energy and originality of the rest. The extended hyphenation feels forced and the use of therapy as the ultimate conclusion to the whole mess borders on cliche.
This paragraph seems a placeholder to me. That’s no problem. Something else clearly wants to be there, something as fresh and compelling as the rest of the piece. I’m sure it will come. Excellent work.
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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POV: I like the experiment with 2nd person POV. I would avoid the editorializing approach, where the narrator speaks to “you”. For example, “Hey, its better than crying.” Is editorializing. It draws the reader out of the story.
CHARACTER: The main character needs fleshing out, so that we get more of an impression of his motive and his history with Janna. As a result, we can only guess why he would go to such extremes to get the “itch” out. Or even why the itch arose in the first place. The relationship between ego and Janna is critical, but it is never developed. The other characters, like the doctor and the parents, are wafer thin. Remember, foils are about ego, so whatever they do, they reflect to us a better understanding of ego. It’ll help to flesh out ego.
PLOT: The general plot is workable and it works here in 2nd person POV. The change from an itch to the ex-girlfriend is clever and show promise. I would expand that to develop up “their” relationship. No story arc: even in flash you need to consider a story arc. It is most noticeable at the end, when we really don’t have an conclusion to why the itch arose, why the itch is Janna, and why he burn himself. We can only “speculate”. Connect the dots.
SETTING: None really. Not particularly necessary with 2nd person POV, however, a few tidbits would go along way to filling in the blanks. Read Fuentes’ “Aura” for how 2nd person POV can be made dream-like, but still adding setting.
THEME: The itch that won’t go away. Thematically, this is clever.
Good bones. Good luck.
DickMcR reviewed Version 1 -
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It seems an odd choice to write this from the second person pov, but I think it works somehow.
“intimately” doesn’t seem like quite the right word.
your sick humor really makes this work. it still seems unfinished though. maybe you should take it even further, even sicker so it’s completely over the top. that’s funny stuff.
steelblue71 reviewed Version 1 -
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That’s a funny story, as much as it sounds painful.
“The rash is, however, itching like a bad sunburn—driving you to the point of crazy laughter after your fierce scratching yields no relief. Hey, it’s better than crying.”
This I think was the turning point in the mood of the story, it was more humorous than not, and of course the encounter with the doctor followed through.
“It’s not an ugly face, but it’s not really a pretty face either. It’s plain and average and looks a lot like your ex-girlfriend—so much so that you name it Janna.”
These lines were hilarious. The whole ordeal with him (or you) pretending his hand was his ex-girlfriend and talking to it like he would talk to her was very rueful, and very telling—not to mention funny.
A good, fun read. I hope your hand gets better!
jhmckeogh reviewed Version 1 -
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one to many “evens” in the first paragraph. try to vary up your sentence structure a bit.
schlong i didn’t love at a word choice. i’d either make it harsher and direct, or maybe even some kind of scathing comparison.
this was great flash fiction. it was an enjoyable read. i’d go through, especially since this is flash fiction, and delete as many words as you can. if theres a sentence you don’t think goes with what your working with, yank it. if you can say a sentence in 7 words instead of 12, do the same.
cheers,
james
Enigma28 reviewed Version 1 -
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“well, that – capital W for well
This is hilarious. It would make a great little anecdotal short story. I can’t really critique anything all I found grammatcally is above.
Great Job
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