Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Fourteen and Recap (Analysis)

Chapter One – The villain and protagonist are introduced. The villain is mysterious wizard bent on revenge. Twenty five year old Lauriana and her two brothers and two cousins find a secret room. Smoke fills the room and they lose consciousness.

Chapter Two – The five wake up in a parallel world where they find themselves physically altered. Lauriana is taller and stronger, her brothers a dwarf and combatant, her cousins an elf and magic tyro. A wizard (Zeke) offers to help them figure out why they were brought to his realm and a place to stay. We meet Ash, a sorceress and expert on prophecy.

Chapter Three – The five learn they can’t leave the realm until they complete a quest. We meet Dagreth, a dragon.

Chapter Four – Trainers arrive to train the five companions. Lauriana meets her trainer, Mikell and is disturbed because he acts like he already knows her. Marcus her older brother is suspicious. Sheridan meets Gertie, Marcus meets Sledge, Jenessa meets Petrick and Winnie meets Tandril.

Chapter Five – It is up to Lauriana to complete the quest. She grows closer to Mikell. They learn more about the prophecy and what Lauriana must do. She finds out that Mikell has dreamed about her for the last twenty five years and was in love with her before they met. They almost become intimate, but Lauriana does not want to be unfaithful to Ari (Her serious boyfriend that was left behind.)

Chapter Six – We learn a little about the antagonist’s (The Master) past. After reliving the execution of his parents for unlawful use of magic in a nightmare, The Master goes to a small room in his lair and stares at a portrait of a strange woman. Lauriana decides to move forward with her relationship with Mikell since she realizes she may never get to go back to her world again.

Chapter Seven – Mikell met The Master in the Arcane Mountains. The Master didn’t harm him because he knew Mikell would train one of his greatest adversaries (Lauriana.) Ash discovers a prophecy saying that the future of world will depend on the union of Zotara’s worthy heir (Lauriana) and the king who refused his crown (Mikell). Lauriana is nearly killed by a cross-bow arrow. Mikell decides to move into Lauriana’s room to protect her. Marcus suspects something is going on between his sister and the ranger and decides to find out. As Lauriana wakes up in Mikell’s arms Marcus knocks on her door and demands to be let in.

Chapter Eight – We meet Martika who has a meeting with The Master. He insists that she work for him. Knowing she has no choice and greedy to get rewards she agrees. Marcus and Lauriana argue. She tells him nothing happened between her and Mikell the night before, he interprets it to mean they’ve never been intimate. It’s decided that the trainers will accompany Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins on the quest. Lauriana admits to Zeke that she would consider staying in his world with Mikell if they complete the quest.

Chapter Nine – Lauriana takes a fall in training and keeps the injury to herself. Winnie, Jenessa, Marcus, and Sheridan all have mysterious training accidents.

Chapter Ten –Lauriana blames herself for the training accidents. If her family hadn’t stayed in this world to help her they wouldn’t have been hurt. Marcus and Mikell come to an understanding. The Master visits Lauriana in her sleep, but she unaware of his presence. She later collapses. She is healed by the wizard, but needs rest for a few days.

Chapter Eleven – An evil woman, Martika, arrives at the Keep. She claims to be betrothed to Mikell and is there to take him back home for the wedding. Lauriana leaves with Dagreth. Mikell yells at Martika. Lauriana returns. Mikell tells her some secrets of his past. He was betrothed to Martika and was set to rule his kingdom. He broke the betrothal with her and turned the throne over to his younger brother.

Chapter Twelve – Lauriana punches Martika before the woman leaves. Mikell and Zeke share suspicions about Martika and decide to keep the threat from Lauriana. Lauriana has a reoccurring dream about The Master. She meets The Master.

Chapter Thirteen – Lauriana awakens from a nightmare about The Master. He leaves the imprint of his hand burned into her arm. Mikell also had a dream involving The Master. The Master is shaken by the encounter with Lauriana. The party leaves for the quest.

                                Chapter Fourteen
                                             -1-
       Lauriana ducked as a branch whizzed by her head and cursed as another scraped her face. Spirit made his way along the narrow path with ease. He didn’t seem to mind branches or the hundreds of cobwebs she repeatedly pulled off her face. Mikell and Zeke thought it best to stay off the main roads. What they didn’t say was that they were afraid that someone might try to kill or kidnap her. In that light, she guessed the briar and spider webs were a small price to pay.
        She leaned down and patted the horse on the neck. The moment she saw him and the fire in his eyes she knew what to name him. He’d already taken a liking to her and once he nipped at Marcus that was all it took for Lauriana. How could she not love a horse with such good judge of character?
        The trees seemed to crowd in on her as they rode along. A loud whooshing up a head made her jump. A small flock of colorful birds took to the air. She laughed and forced herself to relax. After three days, there hadn’t been any signs of danger. She could feel the warm air on her face and relished it. If the weather here was anything like back at home, this was one of last warm days they’d get before fall hit in full force. Mikell led the way and insisted she stay close to his side. Zeke and Ash were next, followed by the elves and other magic users. Marcus, Sheridan, and Sledge took up the rear.
        Tandril took the lead. She felt a flutter in her stomach as she watched Mikell disappear through the bushes. Each time he left, he was gone for hours at time and she stayed on edge until he returned. Sometimes he rode ahead to scout the area. Other times he backtracked to make sure they weren’t being followed. Lauriana sighed and moved back to ride between Ash and Zeke. She didn’t think it was necessary, but Mikell wouldn’t take no for an answer.
        His close watch annoyed her, but she knew he was protective because he loved her, because of that for now she’d do as he asked. She also knew there’d be a time when she could no longer let him protect her, a time when she’d have to stand alone. That thought filled her with dread more than anything.
        She slipped out of the saddle, tethered Spirit to the nearest tree, and stretched her back. Mikell rode off to circle the area before they ate a quick mid-day meal. Lauriana decided to stretch her legs and sneak a few moments to herself; something she rarely got anymore. The sun warmed her face as she walked and when she had gone far enough away from the others, the silence was wonderful. Mikell wouldn’t approve of her walking by herself, especially since she had veered off the path, but it was the middle of the day in broad daylight. She felt confident the she could hear and or see any danger and still have time to get back to the rest of the party.
        She stopped and took a deep breath, and let it out. A twig snapped. A hand clamped over her mouth. An arm wrapped around her chest and shoulders, and pulled her into the bushes. Lauriana’s heart hammered in her chest as she watched with wide eyes. Three of the most hideous looking beasts stomped down the trail. They looked human-like, except for their height, misshaped faces, and green tint to their skin. Each one must have been at least nine feet tall, and their faces were a mass of boils.
        The tallest one in the middle stopped and sniffed the air. Next, he turned around and peered into the bushes. Lauriana flinched, and almost let out a scream, but the hand was still tightly clamped over her mouth. The beast grunted and pointed toward where she was standing. She struggled to get free, but couldn’t get loose. The second beast grabbed the first one’s arm, shook his head, and uttered something in a foreign language. The first beast threw up his hands and all three creatures continued down the path.
        When she could no longer hear the large feet trampling down the trail, the arm released her, and the hand came off her mouth. She whirled around and saw an angry face glaring down at her.
        Mikell’s face twitched. He put his hands on his hips. “I thought I told you not to wander off alone.”  
        Lauriana just stared at him trying to recover from the fright. “W-What were those things?”
        “Trolls. You’re very lucky that I found you before they did and that they were obviously in a hurry and didn’t want to take the time to hunt you down for a snack.”
        “They never even saw me,” she snapped and suddenly felt queasy.
        “They didn’t need too, they could smell you!” He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back to the path. “On the way back to the others you can explain to me why you disobeyed my orders.”
        She ripped her arm away. “Disobeyed! I am under no obligation to be ordered around by you.”
        “I am trying to keep you safe. Why do you insist on making it difficult at every turn?”
        Lauriana couldn’t stand scrutiny of his gaze any longer and looked down. “I… I just thought… it was only… I’m sorry. I guess I wasn’t thinking. Sometimes I forget things are so different here. It seemed so quiet and the same here, I just didn’t think…”
        “Maybe next time you will.”
He staked off down the trail and she had no choice but to follow him.

                                             -2-
        Lauriana’s back ached and her legs were stiff and sore. Who knew riding a horse could be so painful? But then, she never rode a horse all day before for days in a row. Her brothers and cousins looked as tired at she felt.
        She took off Spirit’s tack and brushed him. Then she slipped his feedbag onto his head and gave him an affectionate pat on the rump. She was the last one done taking care of her horse. No one ate until the horses were fed and comfortable for the night. Mikell always fed Thunder before he ate or built his own shelter, he’d accept no less from the others.
        She shivered as she looked up at the sky. The wind had turned cold and black clouds threatened rain. No one said much as they began to cut pine boughs just as Mikell had taught them during training. She worked with Mikell in silence stacking the boughs around a huge pine. She had to admit it’d make a cozy shelter, would keep out the wind and rain, and had a pleasant scent. She hadn’t done anything like this since she was kid building a fort in her grandmother’s backyard.
        Marcus made sure he built his shelter as far away from hers as could and had been every since he realized she’d be sharing a shelter with Mikell. He expected Mikell to protect her, but how could he do that if he wasn’t near her? Of course, there wasn’t any reason why her big brother should stop being a pain in the butt now. Sledge joined Marcus in his shelter on the other side of the clearing.
        When the shelter was finished, Lauriana surveyed the site. Winnie and Jenessa built a shelter next to hers, and Tandril and Petrick’s was next. That left Ash, Zeke, and Sheridan. Since no one wanted to listen to the dwarf snore, he got a shelter to himself. He could even wake up himself up, with his snoring. Ash said she could share a shelter with the old wizard. She was too old to worry about her honor.
        After a quick meal of dried meat, bread, and cheese, everyone but Zeke headed for their shelters. He volunteered to take the first watch and tended the meager fire. The flames had to be kept small or they risked the chance of being seen.
        Mikell looked lost in thought. Lauriana watched him for a while. What he was thinking about? She worked up the nerve to ask him what was on her mind.
        “Can I ask you a question?”
        He smiled at her. “Sure. What is it?”
        “Did you ever have any desire for Martika? I couldn’t help but notice how attractive she was.”
        He grimaced. “No. By the time I had any interest in girls, she had a nasty disposition. She never interested me in the least. And as far as being attractive you are ten times more attractive than she is.”
        “Oh.”
        “I hope we are done talking about that woman.”
        “I won’t bring up her name again.”
        Before going to sleep they agreed that if they had any more dreams they wouldn’t tell each other about them. They’d tell Ash and Zeke who wanted to keep track and study the dreams.

                                             -3-
        “This is just like old times isn’t it Winnie?” Jenessa brushed out her hair so she could braid it again. She tried wearing it down, but it was so long it just got in the way.
        Winnie nodded. “We used to stay up late talking – mostly about boys. What do you think will happen between Lauriana and Mikell? Do you think if she has a chance to go home to Ari she would choose to stay here with him?” She shivered and drew her wool blanket closer around her shoulders to guard against the cool night air.
        “She might.” Jenessa started to braid her hair. “She seems happy when she’s with him, despite everything. I think that says a lot.”
        “That’s true. But she was happy with Ari and excited about their future together.”
        “Well, if it were me I’d pick Mikell.” Jenessa’s eyes grew bright. “She’d have a lifetime of adventure.”
        “Ari gets my vote. He’s perfect.” Winnie rearranged the boughs she’d cut for a bed, laid her blankets out, and flopped on her back. “How about you and Petrick?”
        “He’s cute, and a masterful wizard, but he’s so shy that we’d have to hang out together for two years before he’d even ask me out. What about Tandril? You seem smitten with him.”
        Winnie looked away. “No, fascinated is more the word I’d use. He’s interesting. I’ve never met an elf before. I do like being an elf, but if some of the elves from his village suspected that I used to be human and found out the he associated with me, he’d probably be shunned.”
        “No one would have to know…”
        “It is so like you to make a big deal out of nothing. I am not attracted to Tandril. The whole idea is absurd.” She turned her back to her sister and pulled the blankets up to her chin.
        Jenessa tied her braid off, turned down the lantern, and crawled under her covers. Before going to sleep, she wondered at the way Winnie ended their talk. What was her sister hiding?

                                             -4-
        Mikell woke with a start. His instincts told him before he even looked that Lauriana was gone. Fear settled in the pit of his stomach. He grabbed his sword, pulled the pine boughs back, and left the shelter. She was standing at an altar at the other side of the clearing. The Master was with her. Mikell’s blood boiled in his veins as he ran toward her. A woman stepped into his path.
        “You have lost her. You need to accept that you will never be able to stay with that trollop. You didn’t think she loved you did you?” Martika threw her head back and laughed. “You fool. She just used you because she wanted your help.”
        “You lie. Now get out of my way,” Mikell growled.
        “Oh, please. All the little wench has to do was bat her weepy eyes at you and you fall all over yourself. I’m disappointed in you. I thought you were stronger than that. I’ll give you one more chance. Marry me and I will have The Master spare your precious Lauriana. He plans to discard her like the others when he’s done with her.” She gestured toward a pile of bodies on the other side of the altar. “Those are the ones he has tired of so far. I can convince him to spare her any torture or death. All you have to do is marry me and live under my rule.” Martika gave him a wicked smile.
        He yelled as he ran toward her and grabbed her slamming her to the ground.
        In the next instant, he was back in the shelter. Lauriana slept next to him. Cold sweat ran down his face. He needed air. When he got outside, he looked down at his hand and saw a piece of cloth caught under his fingernail. The print was the same as Martika’s dress. An involuntary shudder ran through his body.

                                             -5-
        Lauriana sat up and waited a few moments for her eyes to adjust to the dark. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. Mikell was no longer asleep next to her. She stepped outside.
        An altar stood in the middle of the clearing with a curtain to one side. The air crackled and The Master appeared next to her. Under the moonlight, his dark flowing robe and black eyes made his skin look a ghastly white. Something shiny around his neck glinted in the moonlight, an amulet of some sort. When his dead eyes fell on her, she froze, and her legs turned to jelly. She broke from the paralysis and ran. Something snapped her ankle back and she fell. She reached down and tried to slip the chain off her ankle. The shackle wouldn’t budge. The Master glided toward her as Lauriana jumped to her feet.
        “You must marry me. Of that, you have no choice. Submit to me now and I might let you rule by my side instead of discarding you like the others.” The Master pointed to a pile of dead women on the other side of the altar that she hadn’t noticed before. “Of course you’d have to do your best to please me.” He reached out and grabbed her bottom.
        She felt a searing hot pain and tried to push him away. He grabbed her by the arm and held her fast.
        “You disgust me,” she spat. “What are you, drunk or just stupid? I’d never marry you.”
The Master’s mouth turned into snarl, and then quickly changed to a smile. “Perhaps you need a little more incentive.” He waved his hand and the curtain fell. A cage hung in midair with a man inside.
        “I realize he’s a bit bloodied, but I think you recognize him. Don’t you?” The Master grinned.
        Lauriana’s eyes widened in terror. The man groaned. He had been beaten so badly she barely recognized him. “Mikell.” She turned to The Master. “What have you done to him, you bastard?”
        “Nothing compared to what I’ll do to him if you do not comply with my wishes. If you don’t please me enough I may just kill him anyway. You’re making my patience wear thin.”
        Tears streamed down her face. “No, I won’t let you hurt him.”
        “There is another alternative. One way that you can keep the ranger from being harmed. Just say the word and it will be done.”
        Mikell found the strength to speak. “Lauriana, don’t worry about me. Don’t agree to anything he asks.”
        She looked at him her heart breaking. The Master threw a bolt of energy striking Mikell in the chest. He collapsed in a heap.
        “Stop! Okay Please don’t hurt him any more.”
        “Splendid,” a woman’s voice said.
        Lauriana turned and screamed. “Noooo!”
        Martika opened the cage and began tending to Mikell. “You made the right decision. I’ll take good care of him. All I need is a few hours for my potion to work and he’ll forget you exist and love me. You’ll never see him again and I suspect not any one else either.” She threw her head back and laughed.
        Lauriana lunged at her. The chain snapped her ankle back and she landed on her face. The woman’s laughter echoed in her head.
        “No!” She sat up as tears streamed down her face. She was in the shelter, but Mikell wasn’t there. She bolted out of the entrance, her heart in her throat. She sighed with relief when she saw Mikell standing a few feet away from their shelter. She ran to him tears still streaming down her face. She saw his ashen face and tears in his eyes and knew he’d had a nightmare too. She threw her arms around him. He held her tightly and stroked her hair.
        Marcus came out of his shelter. “I thought I heard a scream.” He looked around. “Is everyone all right?”
        The other party members began to come out of their shelters. Everyone began talking at once.
        Marcus turned to his sister. “Are you all right? What happened?”
        Sheridan folded his arms over his chest. “What’s all the racket out here?”
        The others voiced more questions.
        Lauriana shook her head. Not able to find her voice, she buried her face in Mikell’s chest and clutched his shirt. Mikell swallowed hard. “Everyone go back to bed. It was another nightmare.”
        “Ash and I will tend to this matter,” Zeke said. Reluctantly, the others went back to their shelters.        
        Ash reached into her pouch. “I will make some of my tea. It will help calm you down.” Lauriana nodded.
        Zeke studied Mikell’s face for a moment. “You had another nightmare too, didn’t you, my boy?” Mikell nodded.
        Ash returned with the tea. Lauriana backed away from Mikell. Her arm felt like it was on fire. She unwrapped the strips of cloth. Three words were burned into her flesh. ‘You are Mine.’ Her eyes widened and she collapsed.

        Mikell caught her.
        “Bring her back to your shelter,” Ash said. “I will tend to her there. Then you best go wait with Zeke until I come for you.”
        Mikell carried Lauriana back to their shelter. He didn’t want to leave her side. Zeke squeezed his shoulder, gently pushed him out of the shelter, and followed him out.
        Mikell ran his fingers through his hair. “The dreams are getting more serious aren’t they?”  
        “I am afraid so.” Mikell handed Zeke the small piece of cloth he had found in his nail. Zeke examined the piece of cloth. “What’s this?”
        “Martika was in my dream. The last thing that I did before I woke up was attack her. This is a piece of fabric from her dress.”
        Zeke raised his eyebrows.
        Mikell stared off into the night. “What do you think the burn means?”
        “What’s the nearest village or city from here, Greendale?” Zeke asked.
        He nodded and locked eyes with the wizard. “Greendale is about two days ride east. Why?”
        “I am afraid we will need to postpone our journey until we can find a way to treat Lauriana’s wound. Until her arm is healed the dreams will get worse.”
        “How bad will they get?”
        “Bad enough that if either of you dies in your dreams you will never wake up again. You better tell me about your dream.”

                                             -6-
        Lauriana opened her eyes and tried to sit up. “Mikell?”
        “He be right outside with Zeke.” Ash gently helped her sit up and handed her a cup of tea. “Here drink this while I tend your arm. The tea will calm you.”
        She took a drink of tea and wrinkled her nose. “Ugh. This is awful.”
        “I didn’t say it tasted good, I said it would calm you. I want you to drink every drop. Then you can tell me about your dream.” Ash spread a salve on the burn and wrapped it with a fresh bandage while Lauriana told her about her dream.
        “I can still feel The Master’s hands on me.” She shuttered, drew her knees up to her chest, and hugged them.
        Mikell entered the shelter. He looked tired and worried. “How is she?”
        Ash frowned. “She be doing better. I did what I could for her arm, but I be afraid it’ll not be enough to keep the dreams from returning.”
        Lauriana became uneasy. “What are you talking about?”
        “Let me speak with Zeke first and then I will explain.” Ash left the shelter.
        Mikell sat down and wrapped his arms around her. They sat in silence for a few minutes. “I wish I could protect you from these dreams,” he finally said with tears in his eyes.
        She looked up at him. “I know. I wish I could stop you from having them too.”
        “Don’t waste your time worrying about me I can handle it.” He smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. She knew the dreams were wearing on him too.
        She grabbed his arm to inspect it more closely by the lantern. “What happened to your arm? You’re bleeding.”
        Mikell looked down and saw scratch marks on his forearm. He pulled his arm away. “I must have scratched myself in my sleep.” He gave her an uneasy smile. She knew he knew that she didn’t believe him and was thankful that she didn’t press him. They sat in silence until Ash returned with the wizard.
        “I think The Master can track you from the burn on your arm. He knew you would come to the Keep so you were easy to find there,” Zeke said. “But The Master also knew once we left the Keep he would not know where you are. When he left his hand imprint on your arm, he transferred some of his magic to you. He can track his magic. He knows where you are and thus can continue to invade your dreams.”
        “Why is he able to invade my dreams?” Mikell asked.
        “Because, you are so close to Lauriana. When you two united, you forged such a close powerful bond that he can sense you through her. Her arm must be healed before the dreams become deadly. We cannot do it out here in the wilderness. We must get to the nearest village and try to heal her.” Zeke scratched his head. “That is the only way the link between Lauriana and The Master will be broken.”
        Ash spoke. “It be imperative that if you have any more dreams that you must try to control them. Do not let The Master or Martika harm you. Take control. Tell yourself it be just a dream.”
        “I don’t understand,” Lauriana said. “He said he wanted to marry me. Why would he kill me?”
        Zeke stroked his beard. “He intends to make you weak enough so you surrender to him. Then he can heal you after you are in his clutches. But, with this type of tactic comes certain risks.”
        She swallowed. “You mean he might get carried away and end up killing me.”
        Zeke nodded.

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spiritualdeciple avatar General Stranger

September 16, 2008

spiritualdeciple

REVIEW QUALITY: 0.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
spiritualdeciple reviewed Version 2 - Read 5% of the Item

Fantastic alternate reality story you’ve created here, I love the twists and turns of this parrel devide.

snarfus avatar General Stranger

September 16, 2008

snarfus

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
snarfus reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Okay, having not read the previous chapters, I’ll limit myself to what I’ve read in this one.

First, this world the characters are traveling through didn’t really come alive for me. Lauriana mentions that “things are so different here”, so the background should be played up a bit more to let the reader know they ain’t in Kansas anymore. For example, when the birds fly out of the bushes in the beginning of the piece, describe them. Maybe they have two beaks, a monkey tail, or butterfly wings instead of regular ones. If you want your world to be a Tolkienesque type setting, that’s fine, but it’s been done a lot before, so it’s going to be harder for you to make your work stand out from others.

I LOVED the descriptions of the trolls; that’s the kind of detail you should use a lot more of. It really added to the tension of the scene.

The two nighttime conversations scenes (Mikell & Lauriana and Janessa & Winnie) felt off to me. In Mikell & Lauriana’s case, this can be rectified with a touch more description. Describe some facial reactions from Mikell- anger, sorrow, confusion, maybe even some wistfulness if he ever actually wondered if he could change Martika. With Janessa & Winnie, a good part of the conversation strains credibility. They’ve been transported to a magical world where they are now elves, and Winnie comments that Janessa’s being unrealistic?!? Winnie’s a smart girl; surely she can come up with something better than that, even if it’s just “Janessa, think about what would happen back home”.

Lastly, I think the dream sequences need some work. I don’t think Martika and the Master should both say that Lauriana should be discarded like the others. I think maybe Martika should say something like “The Master is sometimes rough with his new playthings, but maybe I can convince him to be gentle with this one; I know what men want.” Then she can do something creepy and inappropriate, like lick Mikell’s ear. The dreams should be a tad more horrific, too, like Lauriana bursting into flames or Mikell having skewers in his flesh. Try to unnerve the reader so that they can get an idea of how high the stakes are.

catluckey avatar General Stranger

September 14, 2008

catluckey Prolific-icon-medium

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catluckey reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

We can feel the tenseness through action when Lauriana is grabbed into the bushes. Brilliant. And I loved how The Master can track L&M through the burn on her arm. Intelligent. One can see Mikell loves L deeply and visa versa. Fantastic characterization and believability.

...the hundreds of cobwebs… replace with:  the pasty cobwebs
...this was one of the(insert) last warm days
Mikell led the way, insisting she stay close by his side. Sentence change for immediacy. Redundant usage: “by” twice in sentence.
“I’m going to ride onwards and look for a suitable place to stop… (rode, ahead is used in previous sentence)
...and thought better of it. Revise to: ...and thought better to keep quiet. For clarity.
... you(she) couldn’t argue with him. (Changing 2nd person to 3rd.)
...because he loved her,(put period)  because of that(delete) For now, she’d do as he asked. (We know she knows that it’s because he loves her.)
...scout area one more time. ...scout area once more. (shorter)
Why hadn’t she listen(listened) to Mikell?
Why did she always have to be so headstrong? Why was she always so headstrong? (shorter-immediate)
but the hand was(delete) still tightly clamped… (immediacy & clamped is a strong verb.)
the other one in the face,(comma) knocking him
...and saw(delete) an angry face glaring(glared) down…
His(Mikell’s) face twitched. (Intro early so no guessing and skipping ahead to see who it is.)
Lauriana just stared at him overwhelmed(speechless, befuddled, or baffled.). (You’ve already mentioned overwhelmed in this troll scene).
“They didn’t(don’t) need too, they could(can) smell you!” (In past tense, it sounds like the trolls should’ve sniffed her out. In present tense, it sounds like Mikell’s teaching Lauriana a lesson to put some fear/respect into her.)
“Disobeyed! I am(I’m) under no obligation to listen around(delete) to you.”
It seemed so quiet and the same(peaceful or serene),...
No one said much as they cut pine boughs just as(the way) Mikell had taught…
Sheridan was(delete) still grumbling(grumbled) about his mount.(comma) His(his) legs were(delete) so short he had to ride a mule,(only delete comma; insert “a”) instead of a horse like the others. (See if this works. It’s a different arrangement and is immediate.)
...if it were me,(comma) I’d pick Mikell.
“This is just like old times, isn’t it,(comma) Winnie?”
“Well, if it were me,(comma) I’d pick Mikell.
“You have lost her. It is too later(late) to…
“Stop! Okay!(exclaim) Please don’t hurt him any more.”
The other party members began to come(came) out of their shelters. Everyone began talking(gathered together and talked) at once. (Began suggests something halts the action)
...dies in your dreams,(comma) you will …
...worrying about me.(period) I can handle it.”
But,(instead of using a comma, you can portray Zeke with an action to show tenseness and continue with the rest of the sentence) with this type of tactic…

kay_kay avatar General Stranger

September 14, 2008

kay_kay

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kay_kay reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I thought that it was a great story overall, great job.

carolinahermit avatar General Stranger

September 13, 2008

carolinahermit

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
carolinahermit reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

After nearly having a heart attack she laughed and forced herself to relax

Once/Yet again Jenessa and Winnie were arguing

Seems a bit odd that she wouldn’t recognize Mikell’s scent/touch and mistook him for one of the hulks-granted scent of trees and fear overwhelmed

It’s reading a little dry in spots-add more heart in chest, sweaty palm, fist tightening, tension in the air moments and/or humor and/or picturesque views-even a weather report can help create atmosphere-I expect the romance will pick up

The bedtime gal chat was a nice touch

He cruelly/mercilessly kicked her in the head

Grabbed her bottom seems a little too tame-lecherously seized/latched/leeched onto

Snarl, and then quickly changed into a smile even more disconcerting/alarming

His devastated body collapsed into a heap-or not

The witches/bitch’s laughter echoed mockingly

Drew her knees tightly up to her chest

Reaching out and touching someone in their dreams is the ultimate violation of privacy

Curtastrophe avatar General Stranger

September 11, 2008

Curtastrophe

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Her horse made his way along the narrow path / Her horse trotted along the narrow

“…or the hundreds of cobwebs she repeatedly pulled off…” I think “hundreds” might be overdoing it a bit here.

“…lined mostly with fir trees…” OK, so why is the air heavy with pine scent then?

“…disappear through the bushes.” Was he still on his horse? If he “disappeared” that imply thick and dense bushes which to me, seems illogical that a horse would proceed through them.

“…a time when she’d have to stand alone.” This and the following sentence are good. They foreshadow, but also give us another look into L’s character. The next paragraph is a bit confusing to me though because the party stops and starts digging food out of their packs. Others start looking for firewood. Wouldn’t it make more sense if M was scouting out the area for a good place to rest that they’d continue on? Perhaps consider that they stop because one person has to relieve themselves. Shortly after this, the others see some prime firewood. L could even realize that she has to use the bathroom herself and wanders off to find a good spot. If this happened would someone caution her about not leaving their sight? Would she argue and do it anyway?

“The chatter of the birds…” This scene I really like!

Why hadn’t she listen / listened

The smaller one of the two turned around / The smaller one turned

Again, I think this scene was perfectly suspenseful! And way to do a great job of not letting the reader know it’s M until after the threat has passed. I think the part about the spot being cedar aromatic could be emphasized a little bit more to let the reader understand that’s what covered up their scent but it’s still good. Or maybe M could have some cedar dust that he throws over them—Troll Repellent.

The argument afterwards with M is good too. It takes the suspense and then becomes conflict tension.

be kept small or they risked the chance of attracting unwanted / small for concern of attracting

After the scene in which L became a bit jealous, I think it was wise to cut to another that involved the other characters. Way to bring them back into the story.

I did like the alternate dreams between M and L.

Overall this was a great chapter! I think it was one of your best, though they all are pretty good. On the previous installment, I felt the first part dragged, but with the revamped Troll scene, I think you really punched up the excitement level. The second half is good because of the two dreams and allows for some “cooling time”. A good balance of action, suspense, and dialog. Many kudos!

-Curt

jtthehunter avatar General Stranger

September 11, 2008

jtthehunter

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jtthehunter reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Nice even tempo with the story and good interpretation of emotions with each character. Very believable characters and settings. There are some very minor changes to consider to make the story flow more evenly.

“Disobeyed! I am under no obligation to listen around to you.”  Might sound better if it was ‘I am under no obligation to listen to you’. Or use the contraction ‘I’m’ to make the speech sound more spontaneous. Most people don’t speak so formally and given that this scene is one of previous fear now anger, consider the use of a contraction here.

It seemed so quiet and the same. Maybe use the word safe to replace the word same. ‘It seemed so quiet and safe.’

legs were so short he had to ride mule, should be ‘ a mule’

Overall, this is an incredible story with potential to be published.

VelvetEclipse avatar General Stranger

September 11, 2008

VelvetEclipse

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
VelvetEclipse reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Ok I know you didn’t want us to critique on the chapter up dates, but I would like to thank you for them. Also, I like the concept of changing their race to fit the setting.

I really love this story. Once again, your descriptions are beautiful and I find the flow very smooth. The supporting characters could use a little more characterization but I have not read the previous chapters where this could have been done. There are a few typos but nothing that word check and re-reading will not get rid of. Overall, I love it.

Schwuler avatar General Stranger

September 10, 2008

Schwuler

REVIEW QUALITY: 50.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
Schwuler reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

This isn’t bad. The writing is clear, for the most part, the plot understandable. However, this is a bit cliche. You are working in a genre (fantasy) where almost everything has been done before and done to death, and so it’s especially important to make sure your work is different, and has something to set it apart. Try to make the dialog a little more clever and interesting. Use original similes and metaphors instead of cliched ones (like “his blood boiled”). Deepen your characters and give them more back story.

Also, the way Ash talks (“it be”) is awkward and doesn’t really work. If you want to use that type of accent, you need to work on making it seem realistic.

oknapp avatar General Stranger

September 10, 2008

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
oknapp reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

The trees seemed to crowd her way. Is this better?
didn’t think it was necessary, but once that man made up his mind, you couldn’t argue with him. Is this the narrator’s voice or Lauriana? If it were Lauriana speaking it would read, Lauriana knew that once he had made up his mind, no one could change it. Do you see what i mean?
I love the changes you have made on page 7 with the dialogue between Mikell. Great job!
I love the dialoguechanges on page 10, between the girls. Good job!
I love page 11. The word  smitten is so fitting. Great job!
Page 12 marks a good exciting exchange. I love to hate Martika.
Page 13 looks good. There is action and the master. I can see changes here as well. I readvery carefully. I owe the writer that.
Page 14 is great. The images are so much more cohesive. I love the dialogue.
The language is soooomuch more sophisticated and fitting. I love it.
WOW! This has improved so much. I am truly enjoying it. I don’t want ot eat up more credits. You can email if you like. Sandi

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SwordMistress Prolific-icon-medium

Age: 38
Loc: Menomonie, WI
Gen: F
Last Login: November 30
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