Young Adult / Im A Girl, In An All Boys Boarding School- Chapter 1 (Analysis)
Chapter 1- Goodbye Beverly Hills, Hello Paris, France
“Oh come on” I murmured as my nanny Soviet wakes me up “I have a terrible headache” And it was true I did have a terrible headache. Probably because I was out partying last night till 3am with my friends. I got drunk and my friend Lily drove us all home safely. She was the only one last night who didn’t drink anything other than water or soda. Normally I would behave like her, but my stupid friend Massie dared me to drink one vodka. Sadly I got carried away and ended up being the 2nd drunkest of the group (Massie was 1st)
“I’m sorry Amber, but your mother Mrs. De’Leon ordered me to wake you up. She said to tell you to get dressed and go down stairs because she has something urgent to tell you”
“Ugh” I say in defeat. I get up from under the covers and stand on my two feet. But as soon as my toes make contact with the cold marble floor I wobble back down on my bed. The room seemed to be spinning in circles and my head was in severe pain. I tried to stand once more and this time I was able to contain my posture. Soviet gave me a disapproving look. “I swear Soviet I will never drink in my life” I say in agony “I can’t believe I actually gave in to Massie”
“Welcome to Beverly Hills Amber” Soviet said knowingly. With that said she left my large room and went on to do her duties. I go inside my bathroom and take a shower; I take a bit of shampoo and wash my brown hair. Then I take a generous amount of conditioner and apply it to my hair. Aah the art of deep conditioning.
I finish taking a shower and put on a Rock & Republic jean skirt that lands a centimeter just above the knee along with a citrus-and-pink Betsey Johnson T-shirt. As for my feet I put on a Jimmy Choo baby blue python stiletto sandal and then apply some make-up. Which for me is some MAC lip gloss. I gaze at myself across the mirror and admire my Amber colored eyes. My eyes were the reason in which my parents gave me that name.
“Perfect!” I chirped and go down stairs with a smile on my face. I went to the kitchen area and saw my mom eating breakfast which rarely happens, actually I barely see her because she’s always working. That’s why sometimes it hurts when theirs a play at school and I see everyone’s parents there, seeing their kids perform, except for mine and some of my wealthy friend’s. But now I’ve learned to live with it, most times at least.
My mom was wearing a Ralph Lauren suite and looked extremely professional, which she was. My mom was the boss of the De’Leon Real Estate Company. My dad on the other hand is the boss of the De’Leon Agency.
“So what is it that you wanted to tell me mom” I asked
“Well Amber we got your report card yesterday” she paused and took a sip from her coffee “it was really disappointing, so me and your father decided to sent you to grandpa’s boarding school”
“What!” I cried, utterly shocked “mom how could you do this to me!”
“Amber it’s for the best, you need to get to a high-quality college, at the rate that you’re going you’re far from that”
“Why, when you can always pay them” I mumble
“I don’t have time for that”
“But mom….”
“No buts” she said sternly, interrupting my sentence “I already talked to your grandfather and he agreed, the private jet is ready, the maids are already upstairs getting your things ready”
I was practically speechless. I returned to my normal state and was about to object when my mom’s cell rang.
“Hello” she spoke “alright I’ll be right there” she hung up and looked at me “a car will be here to drive to our airport in two hours where your jet will be there waiting for you”
“Which boarding school” I asked, we had them in some parts of the world. I knew I should be grateful since the school was exclusive, meaning only wealthy people could get accepted, no matter how smart you were.
“Paris, France. Now I have to go so bye” she gave me an air kiss and drove away in her Beemer. I just stood there, paralyzed for two whole minuets, analyzing everything and then, I screamed. There had to be some I could get these feelings and this was the only way. The maids that passed me looked a bit startled but I didn’t care. I darted out the mansion and went inside my Jaguar.
I called all my friends and gave then the news. We said our goodbyes and promised to stay connected, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew that sooner or later we would drift apart. I started the engine and drove around Beverly Hills, my Beverly Hills. I went shopping at Dior, Chanel, Gucci, Barneys and all around.
When I got home I told the servants to get my bags from by car and add them to my luggage. I went upstairs to my room and saw the servants shuffling all around following Soviet’s order of which things go, and which things stay. I gave a sigh of relief. Now I didn’t have to worry about accidentally wearing last year’s Seven Jeans or anything. Soviet turned around and gave me a huge grin, obviously liking bossing people around.
I looked at my platinum watch that had tiny diamonds studs inside. Only five minuets left and then I leave. I looked up and saw six overstuffed Louis Vuitton luggage bags carried downstairs by the servants. As if on cue a car beeped outside. I looked out the window and guessed it was my driver. As it turned out I was correct. I went outside the mansion and inside the Hummer Limo. After the maids finished putting everything in the trunk the driver drove me to my family’s airport.
At Paris, France
When I finally got to Paris another driver came and drove me to De’Leon Boarding School. As he drove, I looked at the familiar surroundings of Paris. I’ve been here what felt like millions of times to visit grandpa and grandma. I love them both but I don’t see grandpa many times and grandma is always nagging me on being polite and other stuff.
The car came to a halt and I looked at the enormous boarding school, it was bigger than my mansion in which I wasn’t surprised. Massive tall gates were there so intruders wouldn’t come in, with four body guards there also just in case. I told them my name and immediately they opened them. They said something in their walkie talkie and people 10 people came outside. I got out the car and they all greeted me. One of then gave me a key and told me that’s my room key. My room was room 303.
Another one took me to the office while the other people struggled to get the entire luggage from the car and into the elevator. In the office there was a woman typing rapidly on the keyboard. She stopped and then stared at me; she gave me a look that said what-the-hell-are-you-doing-here. The lady that brought me here seemed to answer her question.
“This is Amber De’Leon” the lady said
“Oh” she said embarrassingly. Her whole face turning red “I’m Mrs. Moore sorry about that it’s just I didn’t expect you so soon, and seeing a girl walk in, I was a bit confused” Now I was puzzled, what did she mean “seeing a girl walk in”. Oh well, I guess girls in this school never get in trouble which is a huge let down. Now I was in a school in which girls are all serious and stuff. Mrs. Moore gave me my schedule and the lady took me inside the elevator. On the 5th floor which I was joyful about because 5 is my lucky number. The lady took me to the front of my room door. There were people there on the front of my door placing my luggage just in front of it.
“Do you want us to bring them in Miss. De’Leon?” one of the men asked.
“No thank you I can take it from here” they all left and I took the key out of my pocket. The last thing I said before opening the door was “Goodbye Beverly Hill, Hello Paris, France.”
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Firstly, suit is spelled suit not suite. I’m assuming of the incorrect spelling of minutes on the 3rd page is a typo.
Something I just happened to realize whilst reading, I’m not sure if it was intentional but if it was I think it could be looked at more clearly. The mother doesn’t seem the slightest bit phased by the fact that her daughter is going on a jet plane halfway across the world to go to school for how many ever months. She walks out the door and all she says is “Paris, France. Now I have to go so bye” … ‘so bye’ does that not concern the character that she might not see her mum in months and she doesn’t even get so much as a kiss goodbye? That seems a little unrealistic. Even for a rich family that lives in BH.
If thats the way things are, then I think it deserves a little more attention. How does the character feel about this?
You also seemed to skip the whole ‘goodbye to friends’ part. I would have thought that was a largly important aspect. What female teenager out there would move across the world for whatever reason and give their friends a proper goodbye? It seems to important to just skim through.
“At Paris, France” Should be “In Paris, France”
I’m not quite sure what or where your planning on taking this, but I can say that as a fellow writer I feel this is far too short to stand as a chapter by itself. I believe you’ve ended it well. It’s quite catchy but there isn’t enough information in this opening chapter to hook readers in and make them want to get to know this Amber character. Yes?
I think it has potential, a word of advice too much detail is better than no detail at all. Never skip out on important things you feel the reader should know about. It’s so much easier to take them out than to add them in later.
Hope this helps.
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lol at your notes, because I usually say stuff like that. I hate writing chapters because it’s all about the boring stuff like introducing your character. I could tell by reading your chapter one you were just read to get through with it. This story reminds of something I would watch on The CW, but I think it’s more creativity. I will be keeping up with this because I enjoyed reading it. Just make sure there’s a logical reason she’s the only girl at an all boys school. I’m already interested to see what kind of friends should would make.
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