on Culp’s Hill
trees and granite sculpted
in morning light
my son asks “Why’d they fight
in such a pretty place?”
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This is very short, sweet, and to the point. I do like the last line, it seems like something a child would say. Though its short, if I try hard enough I definitely see a mental image. Good.
I think this is a different version of a poem I read earlier? Not sure. This one has does a good job of illustrating childhood innocence as well as the ironies of human existence.
Dear Stranger,
This is a style i’m unfamiliar with, but I thought you might like another eye for the language and imagery. The theme for the poem seems to be opposites -- people fighting in a place that seems peaceful -- beautiful. I really like line 1 and 2, even 3 (even though this is the least unique of the lines you have—it still goes with the first two fine).
I think lines 4 and 5 could be changed to make the image better. Some of the words you have chosen are not as sharp as they could be: fought and pretty in particular. I think you should use stronger words, maybe something like: “my son asks why people died”.
Then again, I’m not really a poet. Still—i really like the image you have begun here and think you could sharpen it. I like the poem quite a lot, but I think i’ll love it with some careful, VERY precise changes.
Hope any of this helps.
D.R.
You use a shorter syllable structure. Then the 5-7-5-7-7. It caught me off guard. But works well. There is a good message and it’s almost perfect. You could take some of the smaller words and combine the syllable (on,in,and,and a) to give your tanka a 3 dimensional feel.
L2 – trees outline granite
L3 –
morning light sculpts
Bad suggestions, I do like the tanka. don’t make it to clear or all the fun and fascination are taken away.
To be honest I don’t know what the granite is…monuments/gravestones? Or are there natural granite formations? I do like the image of the innocent child’s question in the historic battlefield.
well, in L2, sculpted to me implies “man-made” or having had their form affected by man…so, in this sense, is this what you are going for? L2-L3 are problematic, as i also don’t gain anything from the line ‘morning light’, as it is somewhat undestinguished…i would suggest something like ‘dew-split light’ or hell even ‘golden light’...
other than this the poem is interesting and worthwhile, your son’s simple comment betraying his innocent conception/dialectic of war: an ugly thing that could only happen in an ugly place…
I really like the idea, I dont really like the use og the word sculpted it makes me think that they were made “in the morning light.” Well crafted
This evokes a parent talking to his child about historical strife and learning about all the evils of the world. It evokes that bittersweet moment when childhood is broken somewhat, pierced by the realities of adult life, and all the innocence begins to flag. I think the flow is excellent, as are the images and word choice. I had a slight issue with “pretty” as a word choice, I felt this could have been amended somewhat, perhaps come up with a more original word here.
Nice work though,
H
I liked version one better, with the question actually having a source. The tanka form is okay but I think dumping it and allowing yourself less restriced boundries would allow you to show off your talents better. Just my opinion. Other than that, as I said, version one…
I loved this piece. I can visualize the setting with just a few words. A short poem also allows me to use my imagination as well , to fill in the details.
I like the flow of version one better. The ending of the second version seemed to choppy to me. Wonderful work !
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