thanks. i appreciate your review. i always do that, bad habit i suppose. the story is finished actually. just needs a whole lot of…^^that.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Unfathomable 1st chapter. final.
Chapter 1
“Peculiar”
Max thought the shake he felt was occurring in his dream. When the ground beneath him shook again, he awoke with a startle. Impossible, he thought, nothing could shake the island. Getting up, he glanced out his window. Fonteyn, the name of the city as well as the island, was intact. How? He wondered. Fonteyn wasn’t just an island. It was the only island, the only land at all. It was not part of a chain or the very tip of some underwater range. No, Fonteyn was a floating, drifting island. A quake was literally impossible.
“Sam? Are you awake yet? Oh good, about time,” Came the sound of his dad. Looking down the hall, Max saw him standing there impatiently. “I need you to run this check down to Rud. He has some extra seed I could use for the garden.”
“But…” Max stopped. Obviously his dad hadn’t felt the quake at all. There was no point in bringing it up. “Yeah, okay”
“Good good. Hurry up then, I want to get this work done before it gets too hot.”
“Alright, alright.” Max said and, after throwing on the nearest clothes, picked up the note and walked out the front door. Him and his father almost always got along, but he hated getting woken up so early. Sometimes he wondered why some things just couldn’t wait. It made no difference, arguing was just as pointless.
He took his time going to Rud’s, mainly because old men weren’t the kind of people he liked to visit. Rud was an especially odd old man though. He had no job, and yet maintained the nicest home on the island. He had no family, yet it was almost certain he could be heard on the phone at all hours. He had lost his youth, and yet could see for miles, spotting things even Max could not. For all he lacked in the impression he made, Max could tell he wasn’t that same person behind closed doors.
“Max! Dear boy! Is that something from your father?” Came Rud’s voice, disturbing Max’s train of thought. He made his way down the road, suddenly finding water splashing underneath his feet. It was rising quickly, moving up his leg. Surely Rud could see it. He was not hallucinating, he could feel the water. “Boy, do come in, you must.” He said to Max, but Max shook his head. He was stuck in the same situation. He didn’t want to seem crazy, so he simply declined.
“No thanks, dad’s having a fit.
“Yes, of course, that’s perfectly alright. Are you alright boy? You seem absolutely distraught.”
“Yeah, I’m alright.” Max started, unsure how to phrase the next question. He didn’t want to sound like a fool. “Have you noticed anything strange lately?” He asked convincingly, or so he thought.
“No not at all. Why have you?” He retorted, a strong sense of an intentional pause in the question. It instantly made Max feel out of place. Strangely Rud let it go. “Well, you best be off then, your dad is quite the impatient man.” Max came to accept at this point that Rud had seen nothing, and it had somehow been in his head. Looking down he saw the bag of seed. He picked it up, and brought it home noticing all the way how both his shoes had water in them, the cold sticky feeling of wet fabric against his skin.
At first, Max thought the usual. He thought that he’d seen some strange things in his life. Which, when he thought about it, ended up being entirely false. Max had never seen anything strange in his lifetime. It had been ordinary, mundane. Life on the island led to little or no excitement. Now, suddenly, he was experiencing illusions of sorts. The wetness of his shoes and socks was real though and he could feel it as he walked into his room. Water fell from his shoes as he took them off. The water was real but strangely didn’t leave its mark on his carpet. Then he realized that the road outside had been completely dry; the water had only effected him. Max knew fiction. He knew that things like this were either in his head, or in his dreams. He knew though, as he stared at his shoes, dripping as they hung from the coat rack that this was neither in his head nor in his dreams. This was strangely, and somewhat excitingly real. But that couldn’t prove something mysterious. Not yet.
Then Max remembered the seed. His thoughts interrupted, he realized he’d left it at the door, and his dad was probably frustrated by now. It was a warm day luckily. He stepped out the front door, seed in hand, and headed towards the garden in the backyard. His dad was standing there looking impatient, and quickly took the seed from his hands. He took a handful and spread it over a few bare spots in the yard, the seeds hovering in the wind momentarily before settling between the scattered blades of grass.
Max assumed it was noon, as he stared towards the sun high above him. He had time to kill, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to find something new and exciting to do. Helping his dad wasn’t something that easily entertained his imagination. He wished for something more exciting. In a place such as his home, he found, this was incredibly problematic. The island was a floating city of sorts. It was not an extravagant one though. It had no unexplored places, no strange alleyways or underground caverns. It was symmetrical; everything was exactly the same regardless of where you happened to end up. Even if Max did have a favorite place to go, it could never be his place. There would be four identical places on the island. If a person was to stand in the center, any direction would bring them to the same place, visually. All of the houses and buildings had numbers of course, but this would be useless to a newcomer. That though, Max thought, was what defined the island. If the word Fonteyn meant anything, it meant alone. Separated from something Max knew existed, somewhere.
In his cascading thoughts, he came to realize he’d begun wandering. There were benches along the water’s edge, and he thought he could spend some time there. It took roughly ten minutes before he sat himself down on one of the old iron benches. Staring out over the water, he could see straight out to the horizon. This was the usual sight, but for a second something changed. His vision of the horizon had become obstructed by something overshadowed by the sun behind it. Then just as quickly it was gone, leaving Max wondering if he’d seen anything at all. Fonteyn, or more appropriately the island, was getting the best of him. His extreme boredom was causing his mind to entertain itself. His confidence in this theory was not as strong as he’d wish, but it was the only explanation. Weird things didn’t happen. They were alone, in a world far too great for them. Suddenly though, Max found himself wondering just how alone they truly were. Then, almost as another source of entertainment created by his mind, reality sat beside him. This reality came in the form of Lily, a girl he’d gotten to know quite recently. She lived on the other side of the island, a good two days walk.
”What are you doing here? You’re a long way from home.” Max said, starting the conversation. He didn’t favor awkward silences.
”Mother is on one of her rants again. Going about the house running her mouth, screaming about how she must speak to the mayor. ‘City’s fallin apart it is,’ she says. I don’t believe a word of it. There’s no arguing with her though. She’s in his office now, they couldn’t keep her back, although I’m sure they tried.” She smiled as she stopped talking, noticing how focused on her Max had become. She knew not what to ask him, so they sat there staring at each other for a moment, before turning their attention to the horizon. The sun had begun to set, slowly as it did. There was no knowing how quickly it would rise again, although a few of the residents could tell you. They had some way of using the speed of the island, and finding its position. It was all confusing to most, but they were generally right. There were nights that lasted for a few hours, and nights that lasted for a few days.
When the sun just barely illuminated the evening skies, Max and Lily headed towards City Center, where her mother would be. They remained silent, although it was not the awkward silence Max hated. It was warm, and welcoming. Suddenly he found his boredom replaced by a feeling of discovery, of something new.
”Lily! ‘les go. ‘Dis man, some mayor he is! Says there is nothing he can do, ‘Fonteyn is in great shape I assure you’ he says! Ha! Pathetic man he is. ‘Dis was a stupid idea, he is not worth our time. Take things into our own hands Lily. That is what we will do. We are staying with Rose and her family for the night. Home is too far. Let’s go Lily”. Her mother shouted in a series of strangely broken syllables. It was odd for a person on the island to have an accent of any sort. There were a few families that just developed them though. Max looked at Lily as her mother practically dragged her away, shouting all the while. She looked back and waved, smiling as he returned the gesture.
Night had set, and the lights flickered on. They continued to flicker, as they received the broken power from the generator below. It was created directly from the current, and the current was never steady. It was enough light to find one’s way home though, and Max was back within the hour. He took out his key as he approached the door. His dad had long been in bed, he could tell. Luckily, nothing woke him up, and Max could move freely about the house without worrying. He went into the kitchen to find something quick to eat, realizing he hadn’t eaten all day. Luckily there were donuts and cookies, a dinner he approved of highly. As he took a bite into the first cookie, he heard something over the sound of his own chewing. It wasn’t coming from within the house though. The air itself seemed to vibrate with a humming sound that hurt his ears. It was deep, the sound of a constant drum. As it continued to get louder, Max had to cover his ears. Then the floor began to shake. Glass fell from the shelves. People were screaming. Max saw someone run past the window, covered in ash. Then there was a crash, and a shockwave ripped through the house. The windows imploded, sending glass everywhere. Max could hear his dad shouting, but he ignored it and moved towards the door. He watched as it fell from its hinges. Max pulled his hands away from his ears while in a state of shock. The City was ablaze. In front of him was a large indent, as though something slid across the ground. Something had crashed on the Island. Then through the chaos and flames (to which the islanders, ironically, could not extinguish) Max saw Rud walking towards the water’s edge. Max ran after him. Then, just as he was about to approach the old man, Max’s dad called to him, making him involuntarily look back. As he turned, everything around him changed. Through his eyes it looked as though someone was smearing paint on a canvas, changing its form. Then, at the end of his turn, everything was back to normal. Rud was gone, the flames were gone. The buildings were all intact. It had happened to him again. He was starting to fear his own mind. The darkness of the night was not welcoming though, and he needed sleep. Taking a good look around for any signs of what he’d witnessed, he was satisfied with the islands normalcy. He looked out over the water, to find everything perfectly still.
He didn’t realize it as he walked back. He didn’t realize it as he walked down the hall. He didn’t realize it as he lie down to sleep. Years later he would look back and realize it, but it wouldn’t matter then.
He was about to realize something far more important.
Max was dreaming. He could feel it, and he realized it before he realized anything else. Opening his eyes, he found himself lying in his bed. Around him though, were magnificent ruins. They were not of a castle, but merely of a place forgotten, a place uninhabited. He stood, and the bed vanished. Peculiar, he thought. He’d never been so aware of himself in his dreams.
“Hello dear.” Came a voice, echoing throughout the ruins. It sustained itself, hitting Max’s ears as though it had been he that had said it.
“Who are you?” Max called out to the feminine voice. She appeared from around the corner. She was far older than he was, and yet seemed to move swiftly.
“Ezmeralda dear, just Ezmeralda. I do believe this is the nicest day we’ve had in quite some time. Don’t you agree child.” It seemed to Max that it was more of a statement than a question, so he said nothing. Max glanced around to see if anyone was with her, but when he looked back at where she had been standing, he found she was gone.
“Ezmeralda?” he called out, only to have silence answer. Now what? He wondered. Was he trapped in his own dream? He looked around again, and saw something far out on the water. It glowed faintly, and he realized that it was Fonteyn. This dream was eerily realistic. The island was exactly the same as he knew it. How could his mind be showing him this, if he’d never seen the island from the water? Then, a thought struck him. He tried to hold on to it, but found himself becoming increasingly tired. So tired, in fact, that he needed to lie down. His bed reappeared, and he collapsed onto it, instantly falling asleep.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
FrakKevin reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 88 word review has not been unlocked.
DickMcR reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 218 word review has not been unlocked.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
This seems like the start to an interesting story. Keep working on it!
“Him and his father almost always got along, but he hated getting woken up so early.” He and his father. Also this doesn’t make a lot of sense. It wasn’t his father who woke him.
“having a fit.” Fit.”
“Max came to accept” Start a new paragraph.
“It was a warm day luckily.” Why is it lucky that it’s a warm day.
Watch the use of adverbs. They weaken your prose. There is almost always a stronger verb to take it’s place. Often you can eliminate the adverb without changing the meaning of the sentence.
“but this would be useless to a newcomer.” Why would the numbers be useless to a newcomer?
“This was the usual sight, but for a second something changed. His vision of the horizon had become obstructed by something overshadowed by the sun behind it. Then just as quickly it was gone, leaving Max wondering if he’d seen anything at all.” Suggestion, delete the first sentence. “His vision of the horizon became obstructed, but then just as quickly it was gone, leaving Max wondering if he’d seen anything at all.
“home.” Max said, starting the conversation.” Home,” Max said. Delete ‘starting the conversation.’ It’s obvious that’s what he’s doing. Delete any extra words you can.
“She knew not what to ask him, so” You’ve been in Max’s point of view all this time and now suddenly you’re in Lily’s. It’s a jar to the reader to suddenly be in someone else’s head. Also, I don’t understand why she’s thinking this. Why does she need to ask him something?
“not the awkward silence Max hated.” This is incomplete. What did he hate?
”Lily! ‘les go.” You need dialogue attribution up front here to avoid confusion. It seems like it’s Max talking until you get to end of the paragraph and find out it’s Lily’s mother. You need to tell the read her mother is near by. You mention that they were headed toward where she was but not that they arrived at City Center.
“It was odd for” New paragraph,
“He didn’t realize it” Didn’t realize what?
“She was far older” be more specific. He’s a kid so this could mean practically any age.
- add/view comments (2)
charlielmo reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Let’s get the grammer out of the way. It was a nice job overall – Page 1 stay in lower case on “came the sound” as it isn’t a new sentence. Page 3 is “affected him” – still on page 3 place a comma after “excitingly” to hold the pause. More page 3 “seed” in the singular doesn’t work unless you insert “bag of” in front. You’ll see it. Page 7 “(to which” should be merely “(which”.
This was a very well-written piece that brought to mind a little of Robert Heinlen in the manner in which you stretched the story’s reality around your subjects and forced them to adjust. I would strongly recommend that you develop this piece further. And watch your grammer.
Anonymouse007 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 11% of the Item
You can cut many of the words from this, and grab the reader faster. For example, “At first, max thought the shake he felt” Could be ”Max thought the first shake he felt” bringing your character in first, and cutting out the “At”.
Second sentence, the word “Then” is not needed at all, and is distracting.
It is redundant to say, “in his dream, in his head” Where else was his dream going to be taking place?
You are using semi-colons instead of periods. Use periods if you want to be published. Impossible he thought; no ”Impossible”, he thought. yes notice I also added a comma, and quotes for an individual’s thoughts. ”How?”, he wondered… same thing.
Other words may be used incorrectly, like, “the shake “he’d” felt” should be “the shake he felt”.
Showing 1 - 5 of 5
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
2 Reviews 2 Comments
Version 3
Latest Activity: 2 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 2 Times
Skipped: 1 Time
Ratings & Rankings
Opportunities