Sci Fi & Fantasy / A Strange Song (Idea) (Analysis)

Lyra looked across the barren wasteland of what used to be Incarnium. She sighed and said softly ‘I failed…I failed to protect my home.’ She watched an enormous and grotesque figure move slowly around, shuffling almost and screeching a terrible scream that seemed to seek and attack her soul. She ran, dodging the many elemental pentagons being hurled at her. There was nowhere to hide now; everyone else had either ran or been killed, and every building within a five mile radius of Incarnium had been destroyed. Was this how it ended? Crushed or smote by a furious beast?

She frowned; this was NOT the way it’d end. Searching frantically through the rubble, she remembered the present her grandfather had given her for her birthday. ‘What a strange thought,’ Lyra groaned, cursing herself. ‘Wait! That’s it! The enchanted lute! If I could just…’She skidded to a halt, the monster’s foot having slammed down a few metres ahead of her. She awkwardly scooted past, into the rubble of her house, pushing aside everything until she found the lute. ‘Great. It’s alright; I guess that’s why it’s an enchanted lute. Quietly, Lyra began to idly strum it, watching tendrils of light silently wrap themselves around the beast, sapping it of it’s powers. ‘The elemental powers!’ Lyra heard her voice squeak oddly, clashing with the smooth notes of the lute. She grabbed the lute and kept running. ‘Just a few more metres…’

Reviews

September 08, 2008

drbailey

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95	97.7% (44 votes)	22.4%

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25	M	Columbus, OH	November 30

drbailey reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

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August 30, 2008

lorataite

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16	F	United States	November 22

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August 30, 2008

singularity

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0	55.6% (9 votes)	100.0%

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36	M		September 17

singularity reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

You have some good skill. Certainly talent worth shaping. But you need to work harder. This reads lazy to me. You should make it a complete story. Don’t present some half-baked thing you rambled off during study hall. Craft your stories. Outline them. Give a solid beginning, middle and end. Make your characters interesting. You’ve got talent, not you need to do the hard work necessary to mold it. Good luck!

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September 02, 2008

by anonymous

Thanks for the tips, I’m kind of working on it, and will probably post it after it’s complete.

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August 30, 2008

DickMcR

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
24	85.7% (14 votes)	29.8%

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100	M	United States	September 28

DickMcR reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

There are several words you don’t need: repeating “I failed”... “and” between enormous and grotesque, “almost”, “else”.  This seems like a little scene in a larger work, where it might work well.  Just like this though, it doesn’t seem finished.

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September 02, 2008

by anonymous

Mhm. This is actually only a small part of the prologue, I submitted it to see how people liked my specific style. Thanks for all the ideas :)

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