Thanks for the comments. With respect to the comment about the wicker chairs I suggest you read the chapter again.
Novel Treatments / Cairo to Khartoum
Dear Susanna
Outlined below is my first novel Cairo To Khartoum that I would like you to consider representing.
Cairo To Khartoum is a blend of history, action and comedy; Young Winston with generous pinches of Bond and Bean.
The book is set in 1898 at the height of Empire and takes the reader across the Mediterranean, up the Nile and across the baking sands of the Sudan with General Kitchener as he prepares for the decisive battle against the Dervish Horde at Omdurman. Into this arena are thrown our heroes Bernard Baker and Sam Smith and the evil villains Jeremy Blasford-Smythe and Lester Green.
Whilst waiting for their ship to set sail, Bernard overhears a suspicious telegram that Blasford-Smythe is sending to a mysterious Sheikh Ahmed El Bin in Cairo. Is there a wicked plot behind the telegram? It would be a very short book if there wasn’t but have Bernard and Sam inadvertently stumbled across something far more sinister?
As the story unfolds we follow our heroes as they contend with insolent natives, very wild life and depressing army rations. So sit back, stick your tongue firmly in your cheek and let the buckle swash over you.
Cairo To Khartoum is one of four novels I have completed and sits alongside two full length stage plays (both staged) and a growing collection of short stories.
I have included a synopsis and the first chapter.
Synopsis of Cairo To Khartoum
Word count – over 81,300
The novel starts and ends with our heroes, now old men, coping with a late and hot summer’s day in September 1935 on the back lawn of Bernard’s house. Sam produces his distinguished conduct medal, which acts as the prompt for Bernard to relate the war story that forms the rest of the novel.
Bernard Baker and Sam Smith have just joined the Third African Cavalry in search of action and adventure, Bernard as a second-lieutenant and Sam as his batman. They soon encounter the villainous Jeremy Blasford-Smythe and his batman Lester Green.
Before the Third set sail from Southampton, Bernard overhears Blasford-Smythe sending a very suspicious sounding telegram to Sheikh Ahmed El Bin in Cairo saying the regiment’s departure has been delayed one day whilst they wait for Max. Max appears to be Maximillion Perchinsky, a journalist from the New York World sent to write about the impending battle.
On the voyage to Alexandria Bernard befriends Max and pushes his luck with Blasford-Smythe as he tries to discover just what it is that Blasford-Smythe and Lester are up to. Bernard decides it is an attempt to kidnap Max in return for some political concessions that favour the Dervish.
In Alexandria, Bernard and Sam follow Blasford-Smythe and Lester only to be captured by some of Blasford-Smythe’s thugs and are knocked out. They awake to find themselves on a ship that is steaming out of harbour. After escaping they decide to run the risk of the firing squad to go AWOL so they can pursue the investigation with Blasford-Smythe thinking they are still safely out of the way on the high seas.
With the help of Max, Bernard and Sam get to Cairo ahead of the regiment. They then set up a trap to capture Blasford-Smythe and Lester. This goes horribly wrong and Bernard realises that the plot was to steal Maxim machine guns to sell to the Dervish. In an attempt to redress the balance Bernard and Sam race down the Nile to get ahead of the train carrying a wagon loaded with the stolen machine guns. A fight ensues at Atfih and Blasford-Smythe and Lester manage to make their escape but without the Maxims.
Bernard and Sam then rejoin the regiment and take part in the battle of Omdurman. In the course of the battle Bernard sustains a wound to the head and Sam breaks a leg.
Recuperating back in Cairo, Bernard takes Sam on a sightseeing tour of the city during which they are once again captured by Blasford-Smythe and Lester, who take our heroes to the Sheikh’s house in the luxurious suburb of Helouan. The Sheikh orders that Bernard and Sam should be tied to Sam’s crutch, thrown in the Nile and left for the Crocodiles.
Once again our heroes just manage to escape, this time from being eaten and Bernard returns to the Sheikh’s house to cause some trouble while Sam sends word to the Third to come to the rescue. Bernard ends up being chained to the gates of the Sheikh’s house with a stick of dynamite stuck in his tunic pocket while Blasford-Smythe and Lester make their escape with a hostage. The fuse of the dynamite is inserted into a burning cigarette.
Chapter 1
It was very hot at three o’clock in the afternoon of September the first 1935 and Captain Bernard Baker D.S.O. (retired) was occupying one of two wicker chairs on the lawn of Brockenhurst Manor. Although he was in the shade of the great horse chestnut tree he was still uncomfortably warm. So much so that he was actually considering the removal of his Panama hat and white linen blazer!
Stripping down to one’s shirt may now be de rigueur on the more popular beaches of the continent but it was most certainly not on the back lawn of Brockenhurst Manor!
To the right of his chair and to the left of the other, stood a circular, three-legged occasional table also made from wicker. The surface of the table, apart from the newspaper and a pair of spectacles, was free from obstruction. Bernard compromised by fanning his grey-flecked hair with the brim of his hat.
Thankfully, salvation was at hand.
Sam was approaching with a tray, balanced somewhat precariously, on the upturned fingertips of his left hand. His white tunic was splattered with stains and he had managed to do the buttons up incorrectly leaving a hole vacant at the bottom and a button sticking out at the top. Resting on the tray was a jug, almost full to the brim with Cook’s own iced lemonade and a pair of ice-frosted glass tumblers. The sight of the tray caused the right tip of Bernard’s moustache to twitch with eager expectation.
“Ah ha! Lemonade, splendid Sam, just what the doctor ordered.”
Sam placed the tray on the table and filled one of the tumblers, spilling only a small amount over the front page of The Times. The captain, apparently oblivious to the spillage, lifted the tumbler to his mouth and all but drained it in one go.
“Mmmm! I say Sam that really is absolutely splendid lemonade; remind me to thank Cook later.”
Sam nodded and smiled, then pulled a rectangular box from the right hand pocket of his jacket. He offered it to the Captain.
“What you got there, old chap?” Bernard took the box and pressed the catch that released the top. It opened to reveal a silver Distinguished Conduct Medal polished to within an inch of its life. Ensconced within the padded velvet bed lay the gleaming profile of Queen Victoria looking over her right shoulder. For a moment Bernard wondered if this was so that the owner of the award could not look the Queen directly in the eye or that the monarch did not have to stare in perpetuity at the owner. With due reverence, Bernard lifted the medal by its crimson and blue ribbon and turned it over carefully. On the back was the inscription ‘FOR DISTINGUISHED CONDUCT IN THE FIELD’.
“Ah yes,” he said with a hint of melancholy, “I had quite forgotten the date. Let me see now, it must be thirty-six years since our awards.”
Sam carefully counted his fingers.
“Thirty-seven sah.”
“Thirty-seven! Goodness me, how time flies hey old friend?”
Sam nodded.
“Only seems like the day before yesterday to me sah.”
Bernard inspected the rim on which was engraved ‘Pte 98776 Samuel Smith 3rd African Cavalry 1st September 1898’.
“You’re quite right old chap, our first posting overseas together as well, what?” Bernard gazed fondly at the medal and his eyes glazed over as he leaned back in the chair and started to remember. His right hand automatically started to twiddle the tip of his broad, grey-flecked moustache.
“As I recall it was the Sudanese campaign of ninety-eight. Hmmm, dreadful business, utterly dreadful; complete slaughter but entirely necessary of course. Proved Kitchener right at the time and showed the rest of the world just what the British army was willing to do. Damn well nearly got ourselves killed as well! I wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for your quick thinking.”
Sam could tell when the Captain was going to go off on a ramble and gestured to the other chair. He was in his grey-haired years too and welcomed the benefit that a seat in the shade offered.
“Mind if I sit down sah?”
“Of course not, take the weight off your feet. Sort those buttons out on your jacket while you’re at it, there’s a good fellow.”
Comfortably seated, Sam buttoned his jacket up correctly and encouraged the miscreant hairs in his side-burns to stay in line.
“Now where was I? Oh yes I had just passed out from Sandhurst and off on my first commissioned posting as a second lieutenant in the 3rd African Cavalry; brand new commission for a brand new regiment. That was where we first met Sam, do you remember?”
Sam nodded politely with a look that hinted at the start of a lifetime made bearable by a lot of deep breaths.
Sam filled the other glass for himself and settled once more into the chair. It was going to be a long afternoon.
“You had been assigned to me as my batman. I have to say that I didn’t think much of you at the time: thought to myself ‘just what I need, some scruffy, reedy arsed peasant from the Essex marshes’.”
Sam looked offended.
“Well I was young and foolish then; but it didn’t take you long to prove me completely wrong did it?”
Sam looked satisfied with the explanation and shook his head.
He had hoped for a position in the infantry or even the more glamorous Horse Artillery but once it was established he had been in service, he was destined for the rank of batman. But, he was serving his country even though it was not in the heroic capacity that he had hoped for. Back then he had a youthful lust for action and adventure. It was that which the Captain and he had in common and it was that which had bound them together on so many occasions. Bernard paused open mouthed for a second, furrowed his brow, then turned to his friend.
“Was it Waterloo or Paddington Sam?”
“Waterloo sah.”
“Yes, of course it was.”
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Jan_Glinton reviewed Version 1 -
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This reminds me of the “Sharpe” series and the “Amelia Peabody Mysteries”. It’s like cappucino: light, but tasty, frothy and engaging. I do think that Sam’s a bit of a yes-man, and that the Captain’s too eager to show that he’s (stil) the boss, but it’s clear what their relationship is. I’m curious to see how the story progresses. Well done and good luck
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orangemilkcrate reviewed Version 1 -
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In Chapter 1, Sentences 3 and 4 have ineffective and unnecessary exclamation points.
“also made from wicker” I assume you are saying that the chair was made from wicker, but you don’t address it. so saying “also”, there’s nothing to tie it back to, if that makes sense.
“Lemonade, splendid Sam, just…” I feel like this would work better if you said: “Ah ha, lemonade! Splendid, Sam, just…”
On “Sam was approaching…” take out the comma after precariously.
“polished to within” take out “to”.
“Thirty-seven sah” comma after thirty-seven.
“how time flies hey old friend” comma after flies.
”...after yesterday to me sah” comma after me.
“Bernard inspected the rim on which was engraved…” consider a revision of this; it felt rough to read. perhaps “Inspecting the rim of the medal, Bernard noticed an engraving that read…”
“You’re quite right old chap…” comma after right.
seems like you could take “automatically” out. if you really want something there, you could try naturally, or something along those lines.
”...gray-haired years too and…” comma before and after too.
“Mind if I sit down sah?” comma after down.
”...while you’re at it, there’s a…” period or semi-colon after it.
”...was I? Oh yes I…” comma after yes.
no semi-colon after Cavalry! semi-colons separate two complete thoughts ONLY. sorry, I teach grammar, and it’s one of the common mistakes.
”...at the time: thought to myself…” colon doesn’t work here. a period or comma would work since it is dialogue.
”...foolish then; but…” comma instead of semi-colon.
”...Horse Artillery but once…” comma after Artillery.
try open-mouthed rather than open mouthed.
”...or Paddington Sam…” comma after Paddington.
“Waterloo sah” comme after Waterloo.
sorry if the suggestions for improvement are so nit-picky. I feel like you’ve got these really great stories running through your head, stories that are near perfection, but, when you sit down to write it, your polishing skills are slightly lagging. word choices are usually right on the money or very near it. dialogue is excellent and contributes heavily to character development. the accents, the language used, all of it betters the readers ability to really see what’s going on here. so, in closing, my advice is just brush up on modern grammar and refine those polishing skills. i have some easy to remember grammar tricks if you’d like them; just let me know.
very nice job, and keep it up!
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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Third African Cavalry in search of action and adventure, - I would avoid the use of “Action and adventure” here. It’s been done to death.
Captain Bernard Baker D.S.O. (retired) was oc - What exactly is the D.S.O.?
He was in his grey-haired years too - Try using “also” in lieu of “too”. I think it sounds more fitting.
What is a “batman” ?
I thoroughly enjoyed this read. the characters are warm and believable, and the dialogue is right on with the time and setting. The narrative was gracefully descriptive, and flowed nicely. I think this will market well. I wasn’t trying to offend about the action and adventure. It’s just that you see it so often. You have a wonderful style, and beautiful vocabulary. I hate to see it tarnished with something so tired and over used. Good luck with the agent, and thank you very much for the opportunity to review.
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