Haiku/Senryu / Bursting through trees

I have a quibble about the strength of your images here. Thickly-laid to me is too much of a stretch on the imagination, despite your supposed meaning of this everglade being densely populated with many trees and bushes etc. I would also refrain from using such a direct word as forest, as this spoils the mystery of the scene (you are merely telling the reader where you are).

Humid is far too neutral a word, I feel. It evokes more a weather forecast to me than a bracing image of nature. Likewise, trees close together is a given – this is a forest after all, there are going to be plenty o’ trees.

Most deers are horned (or at least antlered), so I think this is a little redundant, and also the idea they could break through leaves sounds off. I think you mean twigs or branches instead.

At the moment I found this needs a re-write. I would suggest coming up with some more definitive images for this forest scene, ones to either capture one’s imagination or create a more tense/vivid picture.

Apologies for the lecturing tone. I’ve been screwed by Urbis this evening. Best of luck with the haiku, though. The ideas are there, you merely need to rearrange this curiously festive snapshot into more cohesion.

Be well.

Claire