Poetry / 6100 Barranca #144

trailor is spelled trailer.
It’s a good start that includes the reader, but due to lack of detail, feels very vague, especially the characters.  

A creative peace, I like your use of “the simple acts” in this piece. Also the futile hope implication packed a bit of a punch in this. Nicely done.

A great job of using simple, but very descriptive images to paint a vivid image.  I like the way you basically a life span from simple carefree days to wondering if the past will return.  Your last line sums it all up”The wonders of simple acts.”  Great job.

Behind all this exists a magnificent atmosphere that can be exemplified with further edits. This piece definitely speaks with a nostalgic tone, which drew me in deeper the further I read. Of course, and I’m sure you know, this could use some brushing up.

in line one consider dropping ‘and’ and using a comma in its place, you can also use a comma at the end of this line and start line two with ‘a’.

In line three, i would suggest re-wording. Using rusty twice in two lines exhausts the word and the meaning it conveys. I like the image created in these first few lines, but you can make it better.

Lines 4 and 5 might come off better if rephrased:
“A young boy tinkering on an old guitar,
oblivious, in the innocent morning sun.”

‘Girl child inside’- this just didn’t read right to me, consider tinkering with it.

I would also suggest throwing more punctuation in this, one, because it speaks of rhythm and i think it would help establish it in the piece. Two, i think it would help put clear edges on this pieces figure.

I saw where you were going with the end, but it could be sharper.  

This was a good writing but there is one thing I would change.

“girl child inside wakens to the creeks and strums” I would put “a little girl.”

There are a couple of misspelled words:
trailor = trailer
rythem = rhythm
creeks = creaks (current spelling is a noun: small stream)

Structurally – phrasing and punctuation needs some work.  Places where capitalization is missed or there is a period where maybe a comma should be.
#period after clue
#capitalize girl – consider dropping the child it is inferred with girl
#capitalize smiles – comma afer world
#next line – consider ‘present day arrives, the girl a woman,’

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September 09, 2008

by Tawny

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Thank you. You are very helpful.

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