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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Chapter Four: A Wish to Die
During everyone’s lifetime there is always that one face you will never forget; that one face that haunts you day and night. I have many but one of those faces is Saran Van’Bratta, the first person to betray my people. She was the one who convinced the others to do nothing as the Athean race was becoming extinct. She was one that I never wanted to see again but… destiny wasn’t kind.
It turns out that my beloved Anton, the sole reason I live on, is the sone of the traitor. I will never understand why one of such light can be born of one with such anger. I guess, in a way, Anton is like me, one good, one bad.
After I collapsed in the Great Hall, after finally reaching Namen, I woke in a small unfamiliar room, when I tried to stand a terrible pain shot through my body, forcing me to cry out. A woman with brown curly hair rushed into the room capturing me in her stern gaze as she pushed me back down. “What are you thinking?” I ignored her though there had been something about her face that captured my attention. It hit me a moment later that this woman was Saran.
I cried a terrible rage, something I’ve never felt before and in truth, I frightened myself. In that instance all I could think about was killing that awful woman. Thankfully Anton ran into the room and pinned me down, saving me from a choice I would have regretted. With his arms around me, holding me back, I let go of my anger and cried. I was so horrified with myself I couldn’t help but mutter ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again. When he at last asked me what was wrong, I told him…I told him of his mother’s ugly deeds and sometimes I wish I hadn’t. He looked upon me with disbelief, asking me if I was absolutely sure of what I was saying. Of course I was sure. There was no way I would ever forget that face, so smug and full of itself. I knew who she really was, I knew. With a deep sadness in his eyes, Anton told his mother to fetch the doctor for me, and as she left I think I saw some light leave Anton’s eyes.
The Doctor they brought filled me with fright, he looked exactly like Richard, but something was wrong, I could sense the evil intent, the intruding energy coming from it and Richard was one of the few pure souls in this dark world. The sight of him made me pass out, but before I fell into unconsciousness I cried to Anton in thought with a revelation I’d discovered, this man wasn’t Richard, but a Mannok, one of The Ultimate Evil’s servants who can take the form of anyone it chooses. I made sure to warn Anton, making sure he would be careful before I fell into blackness.
As I drifted there in an endless sea of darkness, I felt Anton thinking on a way to get me to safety. Oh my precious Anton I’d thought, always thinking of me.
Then my mind darkened as well and I knew no more.
There is one thing I want made clear, Anton is the purest sense of goodness there is on this world. He is always thinking of others, making sure that they are safe before he worries about himself. If we hadn’t connected, I am positive that I would not have survived. Anton is the soul reason I continue on in life, he alone keeps me going. He is my guardian angel.
Anton gripped the leather reins hard in his hands as the fine Athean war-horse jump another fallen tree. They were deep in the Dragon Forest, yet the Mannok still pursued him in a relentless effort to capture Antonia, who unconsciously sat before him in the saddle, totally unaware of the events around her. As the Mannok started to gain speed, Anton’s heart raced, they needed to go faster. Alleo, Mident, im tore qualet enot. (Hurry Midnight, he isn’t far behind). Anton cried, his voice almost inaudible through the wind. Fortunately the horse’s keen hearing picked up the words and rose in speed, once again putting the Mannok far behind them.
What am I to do? Anton asked himself. We can’t outrun him forever, and I’m still unsure of how far the Rider City is from where we are. If we don’t reach its safe borders soon, then we won’t stand a chance. I need to find a way to get us there faster, but how? Antonia is the one with power, and she is unconscious. What am I going to do?
Hope came in the form of a large white wall in the distance, shining like the sun after a terrible storm. The Rider City! Anton exclaimed, as Midnight finally rode past the city’s barrier.
When the two guards at the gate saw them riding toward them, they reinforced the barrier around the city, so the Mannok couldn’t pass. As soon as a blue light surrounded the barrier, the Mannok turned around, not letting the guards see his face, and took off. “Thank-you,” Anton replied as he jumped off the horse, carrying Antonia with him, “but I need help, my sister is hurt and hasn’t woken in about three days. Please, I would have had someone else help, but a mannok was after us and this was the only place that I could think of that might protect us. Can you?”
“The Rider City never ignores a plea of help.” The first Rider replied softly, his blue eyes full of sympathy. “Follow me, I’ll take you to Ramana, she’s the best medic we have, and the closest.”
“Mident, tish a Eldes staman pikel fiene ne. Nea’son pett pen pikel bot na a enise” (Midnight, go to the Rider stables and wait for me. I’ll come back and tell you the news.) Anton ordered as he followed the blonde Rider.
“Was that Athean?” the guard asked confused.
“Yes, I was taught it at a young age.” Anton replied, his blonde braid swinging behind him. “That horse belonged to a friend of mine, Athean is all it knows.”
“What is your name?”
“Anton Van’Bratta, and yours?”
“Leom Bartock.”
“I appreciate your help Leom, and so will my sister.” With that said Anton and Leom walked the streets in silence and Anton, left to his thoughts, took in the city.
The Rider City was unlike anything he had ever seen, its bare streets were made from white and gold marble that radiated and gave the city a sense of pure light. the city had an atmosphere of great peace, which to Anton felt as if the city had been made of it, for it seemed as if peace transcended from the buildings, yet something felt different.
Anton shook himself out of his thoughts as Leom walked through a golden archway into a tall building. Anton followed him into a large white room with two isles of beds. As he walked further into the room, looking at the pictures on the wall, an older woman of about sixty years rushed towards them, her gray hair put into a tight bun out of the way. She wore a crystal white gown with a pearl white apron, when she reached Anton, the woman gestured to a bed as her brown eyes gazed at Antonia in shock, as if seeing a ghost.
“Lay her here.” The woman said quietly and Anton gently laid Antonia on the bed. “What happened?”
“She was attacked by Unichs not to long ago. When she came to me she… she passed out and hasn’t woken since.” Anton replied as he turned to Leom. “I need you to bring Richard of the Council here. I hold very important news he should here right away.” Nodding Leom left to the Council Building. With that done, Anton turned his attention back to Antonia. “Will she be alright Ms…”
“Ramana. Her damage is extensive, but I think she will live.” Ramana replied in a sincere voice. “Shem to na raine an in?” (What is your connection to her?)
“Nea’al likel in foji. (I’m like her brother.) Please you must do all that you can, I can’t imagine a life without her.” Anton replied. Anton, not being able to talk any more watched as Ramana tended to Antonia’s injuries. With only a few moments of silence, Richard and a woman who Anton believed was Marshes, burst into the room. Richard he liked, but he felt something strange about Marshes.
“You said you had important information for me.” Richard asked approaching
“Yi.” ( Yes) Anton replied. “Nea fauma na terr chert an snie aie quan to e Mannok mandasquil shi na hofet fontes. Im’sh terln aie limet fiene e toose.” (I thought you might like to know that there is a Mannok masquerading as you going around. He’s been that way for a while)
“That is important, I thank you young man.” When Richard turned to leave, Anton stopped him.
“Abarn, e shanm nea an ess et earn boon va na, na fauma reed.” (Also I wanted you to see an old friend of yours, you thought dead) When Anton stepped aside, showing Antonia to Richard, his eyes widened in recognition.
“Antonia.” He silently cried.
“I hoped you could help her, she is different from when you knew her, and in ligh to bicken.” (her soul is broken.)
“How in the world did she survive?”
“That is a story I think she should tell you. You need to know though that she may want to run away as soon as she wakes up.”
“Why?” Marshes asked.
“She feels ashamed.” Anton said to her, then he turned to Richard. “In xou riek fiene a reeds va a Sonians.” (She feels responsible for the deaths of the Atheans)
“Oh, her pain is deep indeed.” Richard said softly as he looked upon her. “When she is ready to move, let’s put her in her old house. She should like it there, the garden should sooth her.”
“Yes it would.” Anton replied as the three of them watched her. Marshes didn’t stay long however, she went to the council to report the news. So Anton and Richard watched over Antonia, with heavy hearts. Ten soon, Antonia, te sone ten akmast, (be calm Antonia, it will be alright.)
It is strange to be back in the Rider City, so many things are here, haunting me. As I walk through memories from what seem like a lifetime ago come to me, showing me times when I was naïve and happy. Remembering those who died unnecessarily breaks my heart. I can’t help it, they were my comrades, my friends, and now they are gone, leaving me alone. I guess that isn’t fair for Anton, he never leaves my side, always thinking of me and how he can help. He yearns to hear me laugh and to see me smile but… my joy died with the other Atheans. I don’t think I will ever be truly happy again, not even for Anton.
You may think me cruel, but you don’t understand, happiness is painful for me. When I’m happy I am reminded of my mother and the others, I see their joyful faces, and I cry. I can’t live through this pain, so I lock it up, keeping it away, but the memories keep coming back, I am at a loss as to how to get rid of them. I don’t want to know what those faces held, I don’t want to know what I’ve done. I just want to wither away into nothingness, where at last, I will be free of this terrible pain. I don’t want to be tormented by visions of the past, I just want to die.
The only reason I force myself to live on, is Anton. He keeps me going, he helps ease some of my pain, he is always there to comfort my broken soul. He is the pure soul of goodness and I am positive that he is the Great Protector from prophesies, there is no other title that suits him so well, he is my protector, the second half of my soul.
There is only one thing I fear he cannot protect me from, myself. If it wasn’t for my mother’s last words and for Anton, I would have killed myself long ago. Sometimes I want to do it, to end this miserable existence. I don’t care about saving the world anymore, they all betrayed me anyways, but Anton…he wants me too, and sometimes that is enough to stay off the feelings of suicide.
I keep hoping though, that I will wake up to find this nightmare a dream, to find them alive. I just want to talk to them again, to touch and hold them, I want to be with them again. I’m not sure I can live in this world without them.
But Destiny has been unkind. I am trapped here in this dark world. I am doomed to save those you let my world, everything I knew and loved, die.
I will survive though, for Anton. I will live on for him. Nature soothes me and Anton does everything he can for me and I can’t let his sacrifice be in vain. I will go on, for him.
Mother Nature, I hope you aren’t disappointed in me, for what I have caused. I must ask your forgiveness, as I must ask it of all you I led to death. I must ask forgiveness for my weakness and the inability to save you. I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive one who has lost her way.
Anton, my beloved Anton, I’m sorry. You have given up so much for me, your dreams, your life, they are now gone because of me. If I had just found another way, or if I had just died, then you wouldn’t be sleeping in a chair next to me, deep with in the Rider City, you would be home with your mother, playing with your friends and being happy. It is clear to me that I have taken away your joy. I hope that in time, you may forgive me.
In the meantime I am lost. I don’t know where I’m going; I can’t go forward but I can’t go back, I’m stuck in this moment in time. How can I save Narsayes when I don’t care for it anymore or as I become lost in the darkness? Everyday I find I’m loosing a little more of my heart. I don’t see the light anymore, all I see is darkness and how can you love the darkness. I find it consuming me, and I fear that eventually it will destroy me, and I will end up hurting Anton, the one person who believes and loves me. If I hurt him, there will be nothing left. I feel that when that day comes, so will the end of the world. If I loose him, then there will be nothing holding me back, I will become a source of destruction. I can’t let that happen, the people of the world may be dark, but they are still people, and I wouldn’t be able to face Anton’s spirit, that look of disappointment is one I could never face.
The more I am consumed the more I want to run away. If I’m not around them then I can’t hurt them… but… Anton. He would come after me. That is my struggle; a struggle where no side can win. The only answer is death, and I promised my mother that I would live. I am trapped, and will stay that way.
Mother, my fellow Atheans, and dear Anton, forgive me…
Antonia Van’Dragon
Blonde hair flowing in the wind, Antonia wrapped her arms around herself and continued down the stone path of the garden. Bright flowers, bushes and tall trees surrounded her, soothing her. They reached out, trying to remind her of better times, of better things. Like when she first came to the garden, it was terrible, weeds were growing everywhere and the plants were dying. Seeing the poor state of it she couldn’t help but tend to it. She spent hours in the garden, tending and weeding.
The garden, the plants told her, had once been a grand garden that was often visited, but one day it was locked up and forgotten. The garden told her of the Riders who meditated and trained in the garden and the caretaker who had lived in the grand house that stood on the grounds. There was a terrible accident and the caretaker lost his life; people stopped coming to it and eventually they locked it up, letting it fade from thought. It practically cried out for her to soothe it and care for it as it was doing to her now. She’d sung to the plants, sat with them and just talked to them. Since the nearest well was a bit away, Antonia would carry buckets of water back and forth for it. In no time at all she’d made it far into the garden and found a well stood in it, so she fixed it up and was able to spend more time in the garden.
She’d spent all her free time in it, until it had been restored to its former glory.
The plants sang to her of that day. It had been bright, the flowers brilliantly bloomed and the trees had stood nice and tall, stretching their branches toward the sun. The plants had sung in joy, radiating light and happiness. In the exact center of the garden, Antonia had restored a clearing. It had been surrounded with rose bushes, with a circle of benches. The legs of the benches were dragons so it looked as if four dragons were holding it up and that is were she sat, enjoying the joy radiating from the plants. She’d felt the happiest then, and since the plants had taken a liking to her, she’d been named the new caretaker and had been given the house, which she’d shared with her mother, up until the war. Leaving the garden after the Athean Massacre had been the hardest for her. She felt as is she’d betrayed it. But how the plants showed her no ill will and told her often how great it was to have her back. The garden loved her, and would often help Anton comfort her.
Even in her room, where she was plague with terrible nightmares of her mother’s death every night, the plants reached her.
All of a sudden Antonia stopped walking for in front of her, on the path, stood her mother, blood running down her body. “Why’d you let me die? Why didn’t you see who your father really was?” Her mother cried. “Why didn’t you use your head.”
“NO!” Antonia cried as she collapsed into the ground, her head in her hands. As she rocked back and forth, Antonia sobbed uncontrollably. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Antonia cried over and over again. She knew the bloody figure wasn’t real, but she couldn’t help it. She felt responsible for her death. She couldn’t help but blame herself.
As her mother started a chorus of “It’s all your fault,” and “You let me die,” Antonia heard Anton running down the path and felt his embrace, along with the gardens. He was never to far away. He’d promised never to leave her side and he held true to his word. Sometimes, out of respect, he’d walk far behind her, but if she ever broke down, he’d quickly be at her side to comfort and take care of her. He was like her Guardian Angel, always looking out for her, plus, he’d won the approval of the garden.
He’d keep people away when she needed to be alone and found company when she needed it. He spoke to her in Athean as often as he could, knowing it helped her. He always seemed to know what she needed and would be there to give it. He’d always know what to do in times like these.
Quietly Anton wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and helped her stand. “Sang, po Antonia, gon’so mess na mina.” (Come on Antonia, let’s get you inside.) Antonia slowly rose to her feet, still crying, letting Anton lead her away.
My dearest Antonia,
I have so much to explain that I wish it could be in person but I know that cannot be. You must be in terrible pain and it hurts me to bring it up but I have something to tell you. First though, I must tell you a story. As you know I was born a regular Athean with a regular childhood. I trained to be a warrior as all of us do and the highest I reached was a second level master. On one of my missions I met a young man who was homeless and lost. Feeling sorry for him I brought him back with me to Athea where we became fast friends. When the time was right he was welcomed into our society and a few months later we were married.
I loved your father very much, and when I had you my life seemed complete. I grew worried though when I saw your birthmarks, I feared what they meant. Your father suggested that I give you to him and that he would take you to see the Rider Council. I felt as if something was wrong so I refused to hand you over. After your ceremony, I left with your father for the Rider City.
Deep in the Dragon Forest one night black men jumped me and tried to take you from me by force. I jumped onto my horse and started to gallop toward the city, calling his name. The men followed me and started to shoot arrows, one hit my horse, and we went tumbling. No matter how loud I yelled for him, your father wouldn’t respond, so I continued on foot, but didn’t get far before I was surrounded. Right when I thought hope was lost, a great light shone and I was able to escape to the city.
In the Council building I discovered who the man I loved truly was, a traitor. When I was told who you were to become, I knew the day would come, when Athea and I would die. I also knew that your father would be the one to kill me. Antonia, my little one, my shining star, I don’t want you to hate your father, instead weep for him, he is trapped in a darkness, I fear he will never escape. I know that by now I am dead, please, my shining star, do not blame yourself for that, it was my choice and I saw it through. I now must tell you why I choose to die when I could have easily prevented it. You know about the prophecy of the Chosen Child of Light but there is another, a prophecy of Balance. It states that ‘For a world to become whole, the lands and their Destined must become complete.’ For you to rebalance our land you had to be made complete. When you were younger you understood nothing of the evils of our land, you didn’t know them. The other Atheans and I had to die for you to know and understand the evils. Antonia, you are now complete and must find your protector; you’ll know him when you meet him. Remember, her will protect you from things you cannot face.
My child, I am sorry to place a heavy burden on you and every day I prayed the light would choose another, but it wasn’t meant to be. Until the end of your life when ever it comes, you must be there to protect the light, you will never be free in this lifetime. For eternity I will bear the burden of placing this on you and in time I hope you can forgive me.
But remember your strengths and you will make it. Look at the light in others as only you can create light when there is none to be found around you.
In parting I say to you: The voyage of discovery lies not in finding new landscapes, but in having new eyes. You must go on with the gift we died for, your new eyes.
If you find you need to talk go to the garden and speak to it. Each of our spirits has created a flower for you and so we will be with you.
With all my love to you and your protector,
Antoin Van’Dragon
Black Rider
Tears welled up in Antonia’s eyes as she finished the letter Anton found in the desk. Mother, you need not carry these burdens and there is nothing to forgive. I hope you are finally free and at peace. When she couldn’t take it any longer Antonia dropped the letter and burst into tears. As always Anton was right by her side with a welcoming embrace.
The stars shone brightly as Antonia walked her garden, listening to the voice that led her deeper she went until finding the middle and a waiting Mother Nature. Her long golden brown hair floats in the air as if in water. Her golden eyes could pierce a soul and she hovers above the ground walking in the air, her body acting as if in water. Her brown and green spiral gown was made of a diaphanous material befitting a god. She only wore golden sandals on her feet, as if the cold never touched her. Surrounding the mighty presence of the Mother, were countless spirits. When Antonia looked more closely at them she found that these spirits were the Atheans. Without a word Antonia fell to her knees, tears streaming down. Her face looked only at the ground, never lifting to see the kind faces.
“Are you real?” Antonia asked. “Or are you just images in my mind coming to haunt me?”
“You know we are real.” Mother Nature replied. “Tell me child why do you lower your head in shame?”
“I am not worthy to look upon your faces… I don’t even deserve to live. Please, end my existence.”
“What of the people who are counting on you to save them huh? Are you just going to let them die?” She cried.
“Why should I save them? After all they just let everyone die. Why should I save greedy and evil people?”
“They made a mistake Antonia.” Her mother chimed in. “You can’t punish them for making a mistake.”
“A mistake that took you from me. A mistake that ended my entire world. A mistake…”
“You must stop this.” Antoin replied. “This isn’t the Antonia I remember.”
“Well, those people you want me save killed her. Only this miserable shell remains.” Antonia cried. “What you see before you is a miserable nobody who is all alone and doesn't need or care about anyone.”
“What about me?” A voice asked behind her. “Do I mean nothing to you?” With a gasp Antonia turned to find Anton standing behind her his eyes full of despair. “Am I nothing to you?”
“NO!” Antonia cried as she looked into his eyes. “You mean everything to me. You keep me alive…you are my guardian angel…your are my soul.”
“I thought you said you were alone and didn't need anyone.” Anton replied.
“I…I.”
“You must let go of us Antonia, you must live on.” Her mother said.
“I can’t. You were my world, my life. How can I live without you?” Antonia cried, her head lowered to the ground once more.
“You have a new world… one who loves you very much.” Mother Nature replied. “You have Anton.”
“I know I do but…”
“But what?” Anton asked.
“You don’t understand… they’re my life, my blood, my family.” Antonia sadly replied.
“I thought I was your family.” Anton replied his eyes full of despair. “I thought we were together in this Antonia. You are my family, more so than Saran. I gave up everything for you. All I wanted was to see you happy again, and now you tell me it is worthless? Do I mean so little to you?”
“No! But still…”
“I see.” Anton said his eyes full of disappointment. “If I mean nothing to you then there is no reason for me to stay. I’ll go pack my things and leave. I guess I’ll go back to Nacara and finish my training.” Anton slowly turned and started to walk away.
“Anton please, don’t go.” Antonia cried. “I need you.” With a sigh Anton looked over his shoulder at Antonia.
“I can see who you love and need.” He replied slowly. “You have made it clear that everything I have done for you, including giving up my family, has meant nothing. I guess I should have never saved you from that Mannok. Perhaps I should have just let you die.”
“No!”
“Its what you want.” Anton exclaimed. “You have made that perfectly clear. I’m leaving Antonia; you can go and die like you want to…just leave me out of it. I refuse to be part in your suicide. Go ahead, kill yourself, doom the world…kill what I love the most.” With that Anton walked out of sight and back to the house.
“What did he mean, kill what I love the most?” Antonia asked looking into her mother’s eyes.
“He meant you.” She replied shortly. “Antonia we may have been your world, but you were his. You were the only thing he cared about. He was willing to die for you, he loved you so much.”
“He isn’t really leaving is he?”
“I think he does intend to leave, once the sun rises he will be off, set on a lonely journey.” Mother Nature replied as she stared at the direction that he had gone. “Congratulations, you’ve killed his heart. Now he will be alone, and perhaps he’ll become like your father. You have killed him.”
“NO!” Antonia screamed. “Please you must bring him back… please don’t let him go.”
“We cannot; besides I thought you were alone, a nobody? I thought you wanted to die?” Mother Nature asked harshly.
“I changed my mind, please don’t let him go, I love him.” Antonia cried. “Mother please don’t let him go. I’ll do anything please…” She begged at her mother’s feet. “Don’t let him leave… I need him. I can’t survive without him. Please her means everything to me. I was wrong… her is my world. Don’t let it die again… please.” With her face on the ground Antonia pleaded, “Please… stop him.”
“We already told you we cannot.”
“But why? Don’t you have the power?”
“We have power, but it cannot be used against a will. He dose not wish to return so we can not force him. You alone can bring him back. You must go after him if you do not wish him to go.”
Antonia’s countenance fell as she knelt there in the dirt covered in soil that turned to mud as rain started to fall. Antoin’s spirit knelt before her daughter lifting her face. “What’s wrong?”
“How can I ever face him again? How can I speak to him and ask him to return after what I’ve said? He’ll never speak to me again.”
Antoin’s eyes shone with compassion for her child as she looked into her troubled violet eyes. “If your love is true then he will forgive. He will not turn you away if he truly cares. All you can do is try.” When Antonia looked away her mother pulled her into an embrace. “He loves you my star; you have nothing to worry about. Now go, dawn is approaching.” Anton replied as she helped Antonia her feet.
Antonia looked over her shoulder as she started after Anton, the sun lighting her way.
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Lazirus reviewed Version 6 -
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Thank you for writing! This piece was definitely interesting enough to make me want to keep reading. The journal aspect of the story helps give the reader a look into how the circumstances of her world are really affecting her. I like the fact that if you were to strip the fantasy elements from this story, there will still be a lot of substance. You will still feel the burden that Antonia has and the reader will come to know her deeply. Antonia loves her child and hates Anton’s father for being a traitor. On top of that, she has been charged with a burdensome messianic purpose.
Admittedly, I skipped over some of the Athean language—i think it hindered the prose, though the translations were greatly appreciated. Your ending, of course, left me wanting more. Mother Nature looks good because you were very descriptive and the notion of a garden of ancestors is cool, even though they seemed like a council of selfish in-laws! Overall, I think this is a solid read and I would love to read more about Antonia and Anton.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 6 -
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This flowed very well and was an exciting read. I really liked the cliff hanger ending.
“is the sone” I think you mean ‘son.’’
“the soul reason” sole reason
“the city” The
“gray hair put” pulled
“for me.” either a comma or a question mark
“me anyways,” anyway
You go on for long periods of times with just Antonia’s thoughts, It’d be best to break them up with beats of action. Her internal dialogue is interesting, but without any action to break it up it gets a little tiring. If she’s writing in a journal she can always pause or reflect, look around the room.
“of it” of the garden
“spent hours in the garden” hours there
“All of a sudden Antonia stopped walking” This would be more intense if you deleted the words “all of a sudden.” The phrase warns the reader that something is about to happen.
“never to far” too
“He’d always know what” Either ‘He’d always known what,’ or ‘He always knew’
“the letter Anton found in the desk.” How is it that Anton found the letter and Antonia didn’t? Where was it in the desk? Buried or hidden.
“brown hair floats” floated
“she hovers” hovered – not a good idea to suddenly switch tenses.
“are real.” Real,”
“them die?” She cried.” she cried.
“Antonia.” Her” Antonia,” her
“mistake…” Use four dots. Three for the ellipse and one for the period.
“stop this.” Antoin” this,” Antion
“shell remains.” remains,”
“anyone.” Anton” anyone,” Anton
“live on.” Her” on,” her
“her is my” he
Again great job!
andersda reviewed Version 6 -
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This is a pretty high level work. Nice premice and good characters. It needs a bit more polish to smooth out some of the narrative. The flow in the piece is hampered by phrasing like your version of this passage “The Doctor they brought frightened me. He looked exactly like Richard, but something was wrong. I could sense the evil. His energy wasn’t anything like Richard’s – Richard was one of the few pure souls in this dark forbidding place.
Like mine, this piece suffers from redundancies. For example; At the sight of him, I passed out, but, before I slipped into unconsciousness, I cried out to Anton in thought that this man wasn’t Richard – he was a Mannok. All the other information you had here was mentioned moments ago. You can trust that your readers will remember.
That whole passing out at the sight of him makes her weak. If you want her to be a tougher character, drug her and have the thought go out once she realizes what has happened. Get to the point. I know this is a real problem with the style of writing you’re using here
“drifted there in an” get rid of all words that don’t carry any weight like “there” in this sentence.
“sone of” son
“room, when I tried” vs. room. When I tried to stand, a
“There is one thing I want made clear, Anton” we know this, you just told us.
“the soul reason” sole
“war-horse jump(ed)
“Alleo, Mident, im tore qualet enot. (Hurry Midnight, he isn’t far behind). I like the language, but I don’t care for the translation in parens.
“two isles of beds” aisles
“Nodding, Leom left for the
“You may think me cruel” this whole bit should be in standard dialog format. Also, I had to go back to you note to see the first-person POV as journal entries rather than long unnatural speeches. This isn;t working for you and you should probably make this part of a natural dialog with someone asking her questions and interrupting her.
“sorry for him(,) I brought
“How can I ever face him again?” Perhaps, you’ve made this character too weak.
If you want to play off that – fine. Have her do terrible or inappropriate things in subsequent chapters with someone or something exploiting those weaknesses. Otherwise, give her a spine. You could have her stand up to the challenge when Mother Nature told her she broke his heart. Otherwise people will get tied of her passive aggressiveness.
oknapp reviewed Version 6 -
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Anton is like me, one good, one bad
I suppose Anton and i both have dark sides to our person. Would this sound better?
On paragraph three you used captured twice.
The sight of him made me pass out. The sight of him caused me to lose conciousness.
that might protect us. Can you?” address who he is asking, please.
Nea fauma na terr …....What lanugage is this? what is he saying to her? translate,please. what a clever idea. You are a very adept writer for your age. you have a wonderful vocabulary.
I keep hoping though, that I will wake up to find this nightmare a dream,. I was hoping to wake up from this nightmare. Take out dream its redundant.
How old os Anton and Antonia?
“We already told you we cannot.”. Isn’t she just taking to mother nature.
Jessica, you have a wonderful vivd imagination. Your story has a lot of depth. I tried not to use much credits but i needed to know the above. You are an excelent writer who knows how to use emotion. One day you will sell something. You are that good. Sand
Jessica, you need to say what was wrong with Antonia and let her recuperate before she heads off to the garden. It sounds like she was in shock.
her,
plus, he’d won the approval of the garden. Plus, she had won his approval when it came to her careful tending of the garden. change to this.
Where did the lettr come from and who wrote it? You did not say.
You also need to be more consistent wit hthe mothers reaction toward antonia. First the mother accuses her letting her die and then she writes a letter which is very sweet. The mother did write the letter, didn’t she?
bravis reviewed Version 3 -
Read 41% of the Item
P1
who is the soul reason I live on – sole
When I tried to stand a terrible pain shot through my body, forcing me to cry out in pain. - don’t repeat ‘pain’ in the same sentence. Also there is a repetition of ‘brown’ in the next. Say auburn hair or hazel eyes.
Why didn’t she know she was Saran? If she has such powerful emotions about her, you’d expect her to recognise her immediately. Was Saran appearance changed in some way? If so, how?
P2
There is a lot of passive relating of events and conversations in this section. It’s all very dramatic – I’d rather read about it in dialogue and narration and this way I’d feel more like I was there. I get that this is a diary entry, but it should still have more dialogue. Have a look at diary style writing (The Prestige, Cloud Atlas, Adrian Mole, Bridget Jones) and you will see that it is written in first person past tense, but still has about 30% dialogue. Your passive style of writing with lots of telling about past events and no dialogue is very boring to read after a while.
P3
The Rider City! Anton exclaimed, - if he exclaimed it it needs some punctuation.
“The Rider City!” Anton exclaimed,
The first Rider replied softly, his blue eyes full of sympathy – try to avoid the temptation to give eye colour and hair colour unless it is really important, i.e. not for incidental characters like this. Why do we need to know the guard’s eyes are blue? Also, vary your description and write more inventively about it. For example, if you want to describe the guard’s appearance you could combine a description with an action, e.g. he ran a grubby hand over his long black beard in thought and then advanced towards them, his dirty leather armour creaking as he walked. This tells us he is unkempt and maybe lazy, and instantly I have an image in my mind that he is big and muscled and quite menacing looking, but I didn’t have to say it. Description like this is also more interesting to read because it is telling the reader something useful about the character and advancing the story.
P6
The language translation – I admire your imagination (I am assuming this language is made up?) but it is very tedious to read. I ended up ignoring the foreign bits and just read the bracketed translation, but then that gave the dialogue a tone of a translator and it lost any emotive qualities. I’d stick with saying things like “The woman addressed him in ? and he struggled to find the right words to respond.”
Sorry I can’t review more but I have to go to work. There is some good writing here and the world you are creating sounds interesting, although I am automatically picking up on generic fantasy elements (good and eveil, swords and sorcery, and names with apostophes in them!) and hoping there is something new and original on the way.
Epiphany428 reviewed Version 3 -
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You are a very talented writer.
After reading this chapter, it leaves me with some questions.
What happend after Antonia informed Anton of the doctor? I think some action should have taken place. Did he have to bust out of the room, carrying Antonia, fighting his way to Midnight? Did he have to fight off “Richard”?
The journal entry is out of place to me. As a reader, I was lost. Maybe you shoud italicze that portion. Where was Antonia writing in her journal? I was trying to picture that, and could not.
Overall, very good. You have captured my attention. I can’t help to wonder what is going to happen next.
Myearhurts reviewed Version 3 -
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I read your earlier one about Antonia. It’s good to see she did not remain aloof from readers. It was not bad. I have to say, the dialogue seems just a bit. . unreal. . really. No one talks like that. I understand its fantasy, so there needs to be that dramatic element. But I think you are overdoing it a bit.
I would also say, watch out, and don’t fall into all the cliche’ fantasy sub-plots.
Was there supposed to be another part where her home is actually destroyed? Or is it assumed? It’s not bad the way it is, structure-wise. It seems you got rid of all the extra descriptions in this one. That is a good thing.
I did like the flowers being sad thing. Keep your mind on that type of thing.
MarcyBoBarcy reviewed Version 3 -
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First sentence – incorrect use of semicolon! You’re second part is a nominal clause, not an independent one.
“Anton is the soul reason I continue on in life, he alone keeps me going.” – I believe Anton is the sole reason you continue on in life. And instead of a comma there, that’s the appropriate place for a semicolon.
“Anton, not being able to talk any more watched as Ramana tended to Antonia’s injuries.” – Anymore is one word, and there should be another comma after anymore.
“I keep hoping though, that I will wake up to find this nightmare a dream, to find them alive.” – Grammatically, there shouldn’t be the first comma in that sentence. The second one and the subsequent phrase are really awkward… I would re-word it.
“If I loose him, then there will be nothing holding me back, I will become a source of destruction.” – Loose is like “the knot was very loose,” not “it was unbearable to loose the manuscripts.” It was unbearable to LOSE the manuscripts. Also, the second comma needs to turn into a semicolon or add “and” or something.
“Once, after a terrible accident the caretaker had died, and people stopped coming and eventually they locked it up letting it fade out of thought.” – Add a comma after “accident.” No need for the “had” either, I would just leave it as “the caretaker died.”
“Even in her room, where she was plague with terrible nightmares of her mother’s death every night, the plants reached her.” – I think you meant she was plagueD? And it’s typically plagued BY as well. Otherwise fine.
“As always, he’d lead her into the sitting room and into a chair where she would cry as he comforted.” – I really prefer you to use the direct past tense… I’ve come across a lot of writers who are hobbled for some reason or another by this habit. It just doesn’t sound right, at least to my American ear. It makes me want to scream a little bit…
“Oh mother, what terrible burdens you had to bare, and on your alone.” – This is obviously thought, but still distinguish it somehow! Italics, quotation marks, even bold…
Conventions, conventions, conventions!!!! They have ruined many a good story.
Zeke reviewed Version 3 -
Read 45% of the Item
I like what you have so far. I think it has really good potential.
84princess reviewed Version 3 -
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I thought it was decent. It didn’t have much flow and it seemed to be moving a little more quickly than it really should, kind of like you were trying to fit a lot more in this than should have been there. However the dialog was realistic, and the idea was unique. I just don’t think that it is something I would enjoy reading if I had a choice between this and something else. I believe that you have talent but I don’t believe you put all your talent and emotion into this piece. You must remember that writing has to come from your emotions and your soul or else it will just stink, I am sure if you redid this piece more carefully you will be able to make it great.
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