Poetry / Even Glow, Even Far (Analysis)

I gave,

but sinned,

for I wanted to hold

and compassion is not ever hardly passion-

Never.

I sinned,

for I couldn't hold what held me

and even now, I cannot ever hold

this circle that brings its light to me.

I bow and cringe, hiding  from the light.

I beg of it,

breathing close and hard and compressed-

I beg you-

don't forgive what I have done,

but rather,

exile me to the land of unlight,

because I don't want to see the heart's blood

cup and pool at your palms.

Dear my Sacrificial One,

My Christ,

Unicorn of the bleeding,

undying, whatever you are-

do not let myself shine in your glow,

while I am dull.

While I am dull with this my own quick blood.

Scorn me,

because I want you to love me.

Scorn me, please,

for I am nothing,

and nothings such as I am

are an insignificant nuisance.

Scorn me, dear god. Dear god,

hold me away from you,

so that I can be a fleck of filth

elsewhere.

Then all can forget my existence, please-

Mercy is the worst agony of all.

Oh, but do not let me tear

all of these milk mother and snow roses

to bits-

only so that I can be whole as something evil

that was once good.

Let me be humble, now.

I will serve you, my universe,

if you want me to.

If my service is of any worth,

I will give again.

Give all to you.

What do I say?

All of this time (the only word for it is time)-

all of this time passes into oblivion,

so it can shine forever,

like a memory so clear

I will never remember it.

I am so small,

whilst the others come....

Stars and clouds,

and stars-

and clouds.

They pass.

They are gone,

because they never stop coming.

It will never stop.

Hold me with your hands, my God,

I do not mind the blood anymore.

Forgiveness flows amongst us.

I will give you all the light that I have,

because one day,

it will go out.

Reviews

September 29, 2008

Marvin

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
414	91.6% (226 votes)	64.9%

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31	M	United States	December 01

Marvin reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

“and compassion is not ever hardly passion-

Never.”—this lands very awkwardly in my ears.  is there another way you could write this line? or not. up to you.

“while I am dull.
While I am dull”—perhaps an undue repetition.  

so far, this reads very choppy.  some strong religious imagery, but it could be smoother.  also, after the first stanza, you’ve jumped into a staccato of images and thoughts and it’s too jarring. to me.

and then you offer a line break and we’re back into a different (but very similar) boat.  

you’ve got some great thoughts here, but it reads far too scattered.  i’d only suggest trying to pare it down to make it read more clearly.  make your stanzas tighter and pack more punch.  you lose power as it stands. too disjointed.

but it’s got a lot of good in it.  

it reads as a plea to a God/Universe/supreme being, begging for forgiveness yet feeling unworthy of said forgiveness at the same time.  the narrator is conflicted and so the poem reads conflicted too, but not in the best way.

don’t lose hope.  i have faith.  

• add/view comments (5)

September 30, 2008

by LLee

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53	76.1% (46 votes)	23.1%

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22	F	Fabens, TX	September 30

You say that the narrator is conflicted and that the poem reads conflicted, but not in the best way, and I could not agree more. I need to find a way for the poem to flow but still reflect the awkwardness and vulnerability that I want. This is probably my tenth draft of this poem. When I first wrote it, no one but me knew what the hell it was about, so I’m at least glad that you were able to decipher the theme out of my beloved mess. Thanks for the faith, really. This poem needs alot of work, but I am glad that I’m not the only one who thinks its worth it.

September 30, 2008

by Marvin

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414	91.6% (226 votes)	64.9%

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31	M	United States	December 01

It’s worth it.  No doubt.  Consider an action or a scene that depicts “awkwardness” or “vulnerability” and try to write that.  With as few words as possible.  Give yourself some constraints, like three or four lines for a stanza.  once you can reel in those images and stuff them in the box, they’ll remain pure.  in the box. but they need to be captured in structure.  that’s the hard part.  ”lightening in a bottle.”  

September 30, 2008

by Marvin

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
414	91.6% (226 votes)	64.9%

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31	M	United States	December 01

It’s worth it.  No doubt.  Consider an action or a scene that depicts “awkwardness” or “vulnerability” and try to write that.  With as few words as possible.  Give yourself some constraints, like three or four lines for a stanza.  once you can reel in those images and stuff them in the box, they’ll remain pure.  in the box. but they need to be captured in structure.  that’s the hard part.  ”lightening in a bottle.”  

September 30, 2008

by Marvin

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
414	91.6% (226 votes)	64.9%

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31	M	United States	December 01

whoops.  you got the double.  (smile)

September 30, 2008

by LLee

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
53	76.1% (46 votes)	23.1%

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22	F	Fabens, TX	September 30

Heh. Yeah I do that double business sometimes, too. Thanks for the advice. Really. Its hard to see your work from the outside, and you really just told me what I couldn’t find the words to tell myself. Much appreciated.

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