Jim this is very helpful. I want to make this good because i am fixing to write the story of Night.
Too many reviewers want to know wo he is and how he come about. i aim to please. I will change this. Thank you so much.
Poetry / My Lover, Night (Analysis)
My Lover, Night
Night, I have loved him obsessively
I have chased his vessel that sails a sea of desolation
I have grown weary of searching the swirling mist within his darkness
He darts here and there, but is nowhere
I have reached for him and touched his cold empty air
I have sung to him the most beautiful tune but met only with despair
I once played Moonlight Sonata to an empty Night
I heard him sob softly as he faded into light.
How can one love something that never stays in one place?
How can one grasp something that takes up so much space?
How can one touch the lips of nothingness—a dark abyss?
How can one tame something so beautiful and restless?
I suppose Night will play on the landscape of my thoughts until I can think no more
My last sight of his windblown vessel that never came to shore
His darkness falls softly as I fade out of sight
Forever forgotten, my lover the Night.
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B_de_Caunteton reviewed Version 1 -
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I love it, oknapp! It’s like opera music in English: dramatic and deals with a little darkness. One tiny thing though, if your poem brings on a musical tone then the first stanza is no problem, I just noticed that it doesn’t follow the AABB format of the rest of the poem.
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Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice Ms. Sandi.
Normally repetetive words, particularly to start a line, quickly bore me but you pull it off in V3 perhaps because of the AABB scheme. Not quite as successful, I think, in V2. Just for fun, read V2 with only the first “I” and simply omit the remaing 3. I think it softens the piece somewhat and makes it just a tad more ethereal.
Small thing, and this is so lovely without it that I almost didn’t comment. Did so because you seem to be a bit of a perfectionist. ;>)
Jim
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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An interesting personification of night, but it left me scrambling to catch some falling pieces of the relationship you describe. If you love him obsessively, why describe him as so ethereal and elusive? It’s a matter of perception right? We spend half of our lives completely immersed in night, depending on one’s sleep schedule(I’m an insomniac), it is possible to live most of one’s waking hours in the night.
I don’t understand the need for your first stanza. It doesn’t seem to fit the rest of the poem in style. I think you should make the whole of it rhyme or just abandon the rhyme altogether.
Some of the imagery is very effective, but much too wordy. Subtracting some excessive language will aid your piece in feeling more mysterious to match your subject matter. For Example:
“I suppose Night will play on the landscape of my thoughts until I can think no more”
why not “Night plays on the landscape of my thoughts until I think no more”
I will read “Night” soon.
jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi there,
What can I say? It stirs my heart, my soul. I only felt one small error after reading it thru several times. The third stanza, second line. It makes more sendse to my mind if it read with a negative inserted. As ” How can one not be able to grasp something that takes up so much space?”. Go ahead, slap me if you must but it just makes more logical sense to me. Just because what you are grasping for is indeed so vast. I adore this piece, it’s metaphorical illusions, it’s deep passion, which I can never get enough of. This vast Night, hmmmm…
lauthiamkok reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good writing. I read many writings posted here, most of them are just unbearable. But, this one, indeed, worths reading, reviewing and thinking.
I think it is beautiful to personalise the Night into a lover. However, why is ‘he’ instead of ‘she’? I assume the writer must be a female writer.
To be more objective and transcendant, why not ‘you’ instead of ‘he’ or ‘she’?
Unless the writer prefers to have the masculinity in this writing and want to relate it to the Ninght. Maybe there is a metaphor within these words?
Apart from that, the feeling of this poetry is very desolate as in ‘a sea of desolation’, why is that sadness with the Night? I assume there must be someone in reality who causes such emptyness and desolation to the writer.
The Night can be very calm and peaceful in a different perspective that what I thought.
Hope this helps you thinking too. All the best!
darklwing reviewed Version 1 -
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I just recently joined this site, so this is my first review. I appologize in advance if it sucks. :)
To start vague… Overall, I liked this piece quite a bit.
My only gripe is that the first few lines don’t follow the rhyme scheme. Throughout the piece, every pair of lines rhyme Except those first four.
Also, and this might just be me acting as the eternal optimist, but I think it might be cool if in the last paragraph you show a little hope that Night will be back tomorow and maybe, just maybe, you’ll join it then.
That’s all I’ve got for you! I hope I was at least a tiny bit helpful!
spiritualdeciple reviewed Version 1 -
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beautiful, I love this piece of work so strong in metaphore and texture, it flowed very well, and reminds me of some very well known staged plays, such as Heathcliff…due to it’s visual reprisentation of the night; I kept seeing some beautifuly dressed woman laying on a darkened moores with the night wrapped around her like a shroud of black effection.
HowlinDog reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece is like a beautiful little fairytale
Very poignant
I was left with a bittersweet kind of feeling
Nicely done
scott_0071 reviewed Version 1 -
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The imagery is good. Contrast with the sea is good. Allows reader to explore… which is what poetry is about.
If I had one criticism, It just didn’t grab me… needs to be edgier.
AbraxsisStJerome reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the poem and I think it is crying out for a form to match the subject matter because your line are unwieldy. Moveover, one line in particular pulled me out of ”How can one touch the lips of nothingness—a dark abyss?” this line either needs to be cut or clarified because it doesn’t do any work in your piece
Have a great night.
-Abraxsis
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