i dont have any idea whati was going to say there.I sapelled awl rong dats fer sore
Poetry / Imprisoned by your past
Never should you think
you are so clean and kind
remember I have tasted
All the Evil in your mind
So fuckin’ close to joinin’ me
yet blind from your denial
I know you like the hatred
by the changes in your smile
a violent new disciple
consumed with vengeful rage
its time to go get even
spill some blood and turn the page
your scared of your mortality
so it's time to seal the deal
everything is different now
you love the way you feel
the violence seems so healthy
as yuo stdffe ftt
welcome to the darkest world
where know one hears you yell
now imprisoned by your past
to wander aimlessly in Hell
©SMRB
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oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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the violence seems so healthy
as yuo stdffe ftt
Steve, you need to fix the above. I like this poem. It speaks volumes. It reminds me of a love affair gone bad. It radiates a kind of inner rage one feels when one has been wronged by someone one once loved. You evoke the devil in all of us who have been stepped on by someone we loved and trusted. Keep up the thought provoking word. Sandi
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oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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Yes, so much better. I like the uniformity of it. i can see where it is going.
It is another masterful work of darkness. There is just one line that bothers me. It is this one: the violence seems so healthy . The violence seems so normal???? Something like this maybe. Nevertheless, it is good form and content and speaks of an eveil which could grip even the meekest lamb. Where love is concerned, most people are mindless. And there is such a close relation between love and hate. A fine line, if you will pardon the cliche. Both love and hate are equally passionate. Some people have done some crazy shit because of love. Good Luck, Sandi
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Dont even think not for a minute. How about taking out “even” and just saying don’t think for a minute.
Don’t think for a minute that you are clean and kind. You could add “that” to make it more uniform.
All the Evil in your mind Take out the word “all” its not needed and ruins the flow.
your request I have tasted
Soon you will be getting off
on the hatred in your smile. I don’t like this sentence. Could you say, i see the hatred in your smile. I don’ty like the getting “off line” i know its slang and is often used but i would come up with something more uniform and less ambiguos
When you think of it, she has to look in the mirror at her smile to get off. Do you see the overall meaning and why i don’t like the line?
Steve this is not of of your better works. It seems inconsistent.
Its hard for me to tell whose talking or what is actually going on here. i will email. Sandi
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