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Children's / The Adventures of Steve the Waffle
In the vast Bacon Kingdom lies a town. This town is an ordinary town; located right in the middle of the Kingdom. This town is called Hashbrownsville.
Meet Steve. By day, an ordinary waffle. By night…
Kitten the SuperWaffle!
But where there is a SuperWaffle Superhero…
There is a SuperPancake Villan.
And that SuperPancake Villan is known as Charles. Or as people like to call him…Mr. Yum Yums. With his evil sidekick, Tator Tot Joe, together they attempt to take over the Bacon Kingdom.
It was a peaceful day in the Kingdom of Bacon. The yolk was shining, the bacon bits were chirping…another beautiful day.
Kitten the SuperWaffle (he goes by his undercover name…Steve) was walking down the wafer streets when he hears a desperate cry for help. Darting his eyes left and right, he proceeds to an ally, where he transforms into…
“It’s Kitten, The SuperWaffle!” shouted a lobster. He bounced into the air and flew, his ears picking up any signs of danger. Hearing the cry again, he swooped down to find none other than…Sally the Squash, fighting for dear life to get her purse back from none other than--
“Tater Tot Joe.” said Kitten menacingly. “We meet again. Where is your master?” Joe laughed cruelly and spat. “Foolish Waffle. By the power of my Tater tot-ness, I shall defeat you. You are no match for my kung-fu potato goodness!”
“That’s where you’re wrong, bub!”
exclaimed Kitten. Racing at the speed of light, dodging trashcans and other obstacles, he punches Tater Tot Joe in his weak spot -- his warm potato-y center. He tries to throw another punch when Mr. Yum Yums swoops in.
“Mr. Yum Yums! Or should I say…Charles!” gasps Kitten.
“That’s right.” sneered Mr. Yum Yums. “And even though you are my half twin brother, you’re going down. You’re no match for the steamy goodness of my pancake delight!” he said, walking closer and closer toward Kitten. He was taken aback with Mr. Yum Yum’s power.
“Waffle...powers…activate.” gasped Kitten. And with his strength returning, he punches Mr. Yum Yums in his flavorful eye. Mr. Yum Yums yelled in agony and threw punch wildly, hitting Kitten twice, but mostly missing my inches.
“Beet vision, activate!” he yelled, his eyes glowing red. Before Mr. Yum Yums had a chance to counteract, a thousand red and white beets were flung at him.
Mr. Yum Yums lay there in a heap under hundreds of beats.
“Victory is--” started Kitten, but was interrupted when Mr. Yum Yums said, “Not so fast, Kitten the SuperWaffle.” he got up from the pile of beets, with a look of pure hated painted across his face. “Prepare to taste the power…the power of what, you may ask? Prepare to taste the power…of MILK!!!”
“NO!” exclaimed Kitten “I’m allergic to--” milk poured into his mouth before he could finish his sentence. The cold white substance made him gag. Drenched in milk and on the ground, he raised a hand and said, “Pudding power…activate.”
Our hero lay there, motionless, unconscious from the milk he had consumed.
“Bwahaha! Looks like I, Mr. Yum Yums, has finally--”
The ground started to shake violently.
“Master, w-what is that?” asked Tater Tot Joe.
All of a sudden, a wave of delicious chocolate pudding swept the alley, sweeping Mr. Yum Yums and Tater Tot Joe away.
“I’ll get you someday, Kitten the SuperWaffle!” yelled Mr. Yum Yums in the distance. His voice echoed through the alley.
“Kitten…Kitten! Wake up!” said a sweet voice beside him. He awoke to find none other than Sally the Squash by his side.
“Sally…did I win?” asked Kitten.
“Yes! A wave of pudding swept them clean out of the alley!”
“Good.” said Kitten, taking a stand. “And by the power of Kitten the SuperWaffle, I declare this mission to be OVER!”
And then the town returned to normal. Except it was all covered in pudding. But pudding is good, so that’s okay.
The End!!!
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AstridM reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m all for wacky stories, but I think this one is just a little too out there. Perhaps it’s the fact that Steve the Waffle’s superhero name is Kitten. Or maybe it’s because you’ve created what appears to be a breakfast-themed kingdom and then thrown in a lobster and squash and pudding, none of which seem to be breakfast foods (at least not commonly). Maybe you want to address these issues. Perhaps the lobster is on holiday in Bacon Kingdom.
I think this story has a lot of potential. The pace is good overall. I love that the yolk was shining- a nice touch. Watch out for changes in verb tense and make sure you have subject/verb agreement. In its current state, the story’s not publishable, but with some work it could be. Good luck with your writing.
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MKary reviewed Version 1 -
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Well…
I have to say I’v never read anything remotely like it, and I’m the kind of guy who’s played more than my share of Nintendo games.
I will take into account the author’s desire to appear as random as a herd of juggling monkeys for the remainder of this review, and focus on some technical issues.
The use of “tense” should be revisited in order to smooth out the flow of the story. We swing sporatically (that’s not even close to being spelled right) from past to present tense, and it breaks up the flow.
I would also rework your opening. You seem to have two right now, and I think they could be succesfully melded into one.
I really like the element of the mundane with the use of Steve and Charles, and the world you have created is one in which anything could (and should) happen. I wouldn’t let this story sit as a silly one-off if I were you. There are definitely some great ideas behind it, and it would be a shame to not revisit them and see if another story emerges.
One of the funniest things you could do at this point would be to re-write the story with all of the seriousness and gravity of a jane austen novel, and see what happens…
Kaabii203 reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t like how you just jumped right into the story. And when the lobster says “It’s Kitten the Superwaffle!” and then he jumps in the air, i think its the lobster that jumps in the air. As for the powers, they’re original, i like that. Maybe you should change milk to something else, like candy. And you somehow managed to post the same story three times. Was that a glitch or something?
I don’t like how you ended it either. That’s not a good ending at all; you should really work on that some more. I think sometime you go from past tense to present tense, also, which makes this piece very confusing.
Besides all the errors, I really like your idea here. Steve the Waffle fighting for good against the evil Mr. Yum Yums the Pancake. Don’t you think that Steve should have a sidekick too? I mean, you could have like a chicken wing or something like that. I don’t know, you have a creative mind, I’m sure you can come up with something. I think you should also maybe make the action last a bit longer. I just feel like Steve just went in the alley and went out.
All in all, I think the worst was the beginning and the end.
But it’s very original, I’ll give you that.
=D
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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