Thank you. I will definitely consider your suggestions!
Poetry / The Truth About Secrets
I watched as you put on your mask too worn to actually hide anything
only one of us needed to be fooled
and you spoke to me soft tongued through the steady hum of wires feint static that still whispers in my ear
and with clever hands you traced the seams of my heart until you finally found a loose string
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CourtshipLives reviewed Version 2 -
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i’ve read some of your other stuff and you seem to use the same structure throughout. it’s short, but terse. the last line really hits home. everone can relate to it, it’s brilliant and clever and tragically beautiful. the third line confuses me. are they literal wires and humming? what are these wires for and why are they humming and why is he speaking soft tongued through them? otherwise, great job. this is really nice.
p.s. why the title?
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sadpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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Dynamic thoughts here! Minimal revision will create a remarkable piece.
Try to look at each sentence and pull the subject matter from it.
Your mask, too worn to change or to hide, fools only the fool (clever instrumentation for your audience as the question unravels: Which is the fool?)
You could consider rhyme for a short piece or use descriptive words for the mask like delicate linen, deteroriates through time, worn revealing…it fits into the piece as does the relationship which somehow dwindles but seems to sustain through love.
Soft tongued is very good, as is comparing the wire static…Intelligent and imaginative.
The ending sentence is also intelligent as it made me see that the heart can fall apart like the mask. I think the linen “threads” would be great to tie in the last line.
Thank you for the opportunity.
drbailey reviewed Version 1 -
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Stranger,
Plowing through different pieces, the second line of this poem caught my attention. I write about masks a lot, because they seem to be something that is almost a literal symbol in regards to personality.
That being said, I can say that I enjoyed your poem because of the use of this symbol, the hum of the wires, and the static the emitted from it.
My favorite line was “through the steady hum of wires”. The reason is because I can see the mask the ‘other’ wears, composed of copper strands and et cetera. I have always pictured masks in such an estranged fashion—usually made of asbestos and other household materials.
The title is one place you could use some improvement. It’s in dire need of the creativity found in the rest of the poem.
I hope part 2 is just as great, and that any of this was helpful at all.
Stay Cool,
D.R.
esteban2284 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good poem, very well written.
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