Short Story / a womans strength (working title) (Analysis)
The supple curve of Her breast. The arched line of Her back. How it flawlessly runs along to Her buttocks, up over Her thighs, down to her knees. The smooth line of Her neck. The way Her jaw meets Her ears. Her lips slightly parted, Her breath a little ragged. Her eyes two slits, open enough so I can see the light in Her eyes. Her cheeks flushed. Her chest heaving. The ropes as they bite into Her skin. The way Her hair falls into Her face. Her tears leave tracks on Her face, cutting through the dirt and blood. The way Her heels bang against the legs of the chair. Her throat dry and parched. Her voice having given out hours ago. She puts up a good fight. I like that. I'm almost sorry to get rid of Her. But there will be others. There always is.
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Last line: there always are.
Her: used 23 times in 150 words. I get the emphasis, but it’s overboard. A lot. I’d combine some sentences, too (which would cut down on “her” and make this a bit smoother: IE first 4 lines—you tried to, but it’s inconsistant, jerky. This wars with the controlled tone of the piece.
3rd sentence: there’s a her not capitalized.
As for the “Her” I think the capitalization is silly. Do what you want, but it screams pretentious to me. I think of a person (assumed male) tying up a woman, I don’t think of them giving her the respect one gets from capitalizations (like with personifications).
Also, I’d like to point out that you name things about her, but never say what about them. Her eyes, her neck, her blah blah. So what? They turn him on? Disgust him? We can assume some amount of awe, but you never let us know. It’s a series of incomplete thoughts. And then he kills her.
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