Flash Fiction / No title
These are the same people I have hung out with on many occasions. The evening no different than any other. Carie, her husband Kyle, Erin, her boyfriend, Mike and myself. Me, the only non-couple at these gatherings. Dinner, drinks, smokes and the card game. The card game appears to be as any other poker night with any normal group of people. When the drinks increase so the do the wagers. First, innocently enough, a bet of clothing. That kinda surprised me the very first time, but soon it became the indication that all were in agreement that the card game would soon turn into a free fall of orgasmic climactic excitement. Writhing bodies sliding together. All of us had an understanding and none would ever cross a ny boundaries that would cause the end of our evenings.
This evening, again no different than the months past. Shirts, shoes off. Then the pants.
All sitting around the round table in Carie and Kyle's small dinning area cards in hand, clad only boxers, panties and bras.
“Let's do something different tonight.” Erin insisted. All four of them stood up and headed into the living area. A two piece sectional arranged into an “L” shape fit in the corner of the modest sized living space. Across the room a large flat screen T.V. hung mid way the wall. Carie walks around the oval shaped coffee table center in the room, towards the entertainment center. Me still sitting at the dinning table, with a slight look of confusion upon my face. Carie started a movie, Interview with a Vampire.
Hanging out with this set of friends has never included movies. So I slowly walk towards the room where they all have assumed positions on the couch coupled up. Me standing at the entrance, waiting, I guess, for my invitation. No one speaks. So me being the very extroverted self that I am, jumps in front of the large screen. Being nearly 5 foot 11, I efficiently obscure their view.
“Come sit with us” Kyle offers. I oblige. Still thinking to myself, what a waste of my evening.
Drink in hand, I plop down on Carie's side. Carie's petite frame curled leaned towards Kyle. Me at her feet. Sitting, waiting for anything.
“Does anyone need a drink?” Mike offered as he stood up.
“Yes please dear” Erin replied, handing her glass up to him. Kyle requested a beer, and Carie needs a refill on her rum and coke.
“Sam?” Mike questions.
“I'm not sure” I replied, hardly looking up. I think I'm falling asleep at this point. I don't like movies.
“Get up and come help me with this then. You can make your decision while you help me mix.”
I stand to go with him, Carie slides her hand up my leg to my hand. A small tug almost topples me over. I regain composer and lean in to her. She kisses me, softly. The song “I kissed a girl” races through my head.
“Don't be long” She whispered. Kyle winks his sexy little wink and I walk to Mike. Mike grabs me around the waist as he escorts me to the kitchen.
While walking down the hall he nuzzles my neck.
“Hey, no no” I say with my finger up and swaying back and too.
“It's fine Sam.”
“How is that fine, Mike. No one in playing right now. You know I would never step over that line. Erin is in the living room and I have had no permission to kiss you down the hall.”
“Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. Let's get the drinks and maybe they will join in when we get back.”
Over the blender's whirring of Erin's margarita, I say loudly, “What is going on tonight anyway? We have never sat to watch a movie before. Has there been a change? Have I done something ?”
“What, No! What are you thinking?”
“Mike, I'm thinking that I come her to get drunk, play cards and get fucked? Have we ever done anything different? I think that it would fair to let me in on what's going on.”
“You don't like vampires? “
“I love vampires. They fascinate me. But what does this have to do with our nights together.”
The blender stops. I look up and see Erin standing there. No expression on her. I have a slight feeling of anticipation of what she is thinking. She smiles.
“What is taking so long? Do I have to worry about you two in the same room?” As she slides her hand around Mike's side up through his arms and rests her flattened hands on his bare perfectly tanned chest.
She is so beautiful. I am almost shy around her. Attractive I am, but Erin is amazing. Dark hair and eyes, ivory skin.
She nods for me to come close. Still standing behind Mike, she reaches towards me and pulls me into Mike. Mike of course, takes the opportunity to kiss me deeply. I melt a bit. With Erin long fingers twisting my hair around. My heart races. This is what I come here for.
Pushing back a bit, I look at him, then over to her, she tiptoes and cranes her neck over Mike's shoulder to kiss me. I do not hesitate. Her lips, cherry chap stick. I'm loving this.
Erin pushes Mike which in turn pushes me. My back slams up against the icy refrigerator door. Mike lifts my leg to his hip. Erin kisses Mike's shoulder as she runs her hand up and down my side. Her hand is warm. She slides her hand the back side of my leg over top of Mike's hand. I just stand and enjoy.
“What the HELL!” Kyle's almost yells. I look over to see and half smirk, half serious look. “What if Carie walked in and seen this behavior in her kitchen?”
As I try to pull out of the body prison I am in, “She'd be jealous” Erin giggled.
Okay, so it is going to be an okay night.
All 4 of us walk down the hall giggling, grab-assing and kissing. As we enter the living room, Erin heads towards Carie. The heat rises and we all begin to touch and feel each other.
I notice that the two other girls are pulling away from the group. Of course I attempt to join them. But leaving the guys would well, would leave them to watch I guess. My attempt is thwarted. Mike kneels and pays very close attention to the inside of my thigh. Feels good. Kyle stands behind me, grabs under my chin, pulls my head back far enough that I can not move.
I run my fingers through Mikes hair. I can no longer hear or see the girls, but I can sense their excitement, I indulge. Rubbing my hand down Mike's jaw line to his mouth, Kyle snatches my hand and digs his fingernail into the top. I cringe in pain but still do not resist. It's just to exciting. I remember thinking how odd. Mike kisses my hand. I forgot about the injury as quickly as it occurred because Kyle is occupying my senses with his hot breath and the intense kissing of my neck.
“Mmmmm” very loudly from Mike. I pull away from Kyle enough to look down at Mike. I recoil. He is licking the blood of my hand as a starved kitten would a plate of milk. Kyle feels my concern, whispers softly, “Don't deny him.”
My confusion swimming, yet this feeling is amazing. Kyle again pulls my head back far enough for me to kiss him deeply. Open mouth and tongues crossing each other. A feel piercing pain through my bottom lip. I could not care less. Kissing continues. My tongue flicks over something very sharp inside Kyle's mouth. I pull back again.
The moans and giggles from across the room become louder than mine. I watch Carie glide to us. Kneeling down to Mike. Carie turns his head into the inner part of my thigh. Sharp, sensual, piercing. She pulls his head back and she takes his place kissing my thigh.
My conscience mind has a fleeting thought of stop, no, this cannot be good. But every other part of my mind and body wants to encourage them.
Erin walks between the two, right up to me. Our lips touch softly. I ask her, “Are you what I believe?”
“Yes.” she whispers.
“Are you going to kill me?”
“Do you want us to?”
“No, I never want this to end.”
“We can make that happen.”
I feel Kyle sink one of his sharp teeth into my neck. Erin asks “Do you want to join us?”
“Yes, please.”
Kyle's other fang sinks deep into my neck.
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Good show for a beginner!! The story teases and pulls me along. I like the way the vampire theme comes in slowly—but actually, I think you could make it even more subtle, take out a clue or 2, and it would work even better.
Some little things in the writing:
orgasmic climactic excitement (too redundant—leave out either orgasmic or climactic)
Watch out for a few typos
cross a ny—>cross any
clad only IN boxers
composer—> composure
No one in playing right now (IS)
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For someone who claims not to be a writer, you do a good job of faking it. There’s some good description and pacing here. Some suggestions, though.
1) Perhaps a little more background description on the characters. You don’t have to go overboard with it, but a few hints on how they know each other and why there so comfortable with the sexual intimacy. I mean, I love my friends, but I’ve never LOVED my friends, if you catch my meaning.
2) I think you need to make it clearer from the beginning regarding Sam’s gender. Until another character actually referred to her as a she, I was thinking it could go either way. Perhaps that was your intent, but it doesn’t come across very clearly, as this story appears to be more about paranormal hedonism than gender ambiguity.
3) If you’re going to foreshadow the twist, do it with a less obvious movie choice. The Hunger, Lost Boys, Near Dark, and The Addiction are all good lesser known vampire movies, among others.
4) The sexy vampire thing is a touch cliched. Perhaps you can play around with it more. Describe Erin or Carie’s physical imperfections as well as their beauty. Or inject a little humor in the scene. Something that’ll separate this from other similar stories.
You may not consider yourself a writer, but you are. This is a very sexy piece, that once again makes me want to be a vampire. I like the straight forward story telling.
In your profile you make a statement about wishing you could write. Give me a break this was great.
Pushing back a bit, I look at him, then over to her, she tiptoes and cranes her neck over Mike’s shoulder to kiss me. I do not hesitate. Her lips, cherry chap stick
The cherry chap stick is so familiar and is perfect. This made me hard and my thoughts raced on as i read…
keep up the great work
Tenses. Your tenses are inconsistant. Pick- past or present. Some places you switch mid sentence! “requested a beer, and Carie needs a refill”
non-couple: this almost implies two people. I’d consider “only single one” or “odd one out” or something like that.
“So me being the very extroverted self that I am” awkward. This is worded as though the reader knows the speaker which doesn’t follow with the exposition. Also, waiting for an invitation doesn’t follow with the characteristic.
“curled leaned towards” From page 2. I don’t know what you intended to say.
composer = composure
“finger swaying back and too” This is incorrect. I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but it’s not happening.
Be careful of forgetting basic rules of english. Complete sentences are imparative! It’s one thing for emphasis, but that’s not the case. IE: ” Me at her feet. Sitting, waiting for anything.”
“Yes please (comma) dear”
“I love vampires…nights together.” Needs a question mark, and combining sentences (first two) will get rid of incomplete sentences while smoothing the dialogue.
to = too
Possessive s needs an apostrophe (Mike’s)
It needs some serious technical work (which I’ve outlined) and as far as plot, it’s completely predictable. Interview with a Vampire is kind of a corny choice of movie, for me, as well.
Good luck, keep revising.
Your note raises the question: Why are you posting writing on a site meant for writers if you don’t consider yourself one? You wrote, therefore you are a writer. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. That being said, there’s a big difference between being a published writer and just being a writer.
“orgasmic climactic excitement.” Probably a bit much. Redundant, at least.
It’s pretty obvious what’s coming as soon as they break routine and put on “Interview.” But the story actually kept me reading with anticipation. Now, you need a LOT of polish on this baby. I’d recommend reading “The Elements of Style” by Strunk and White. Because the style is very clunky and awkward throughout. But your sense of suspense and plotting is pretty natural. Keep at it, writer!
I’m still new at writing reviews, so sorry if I’m not incredibly helpful. :)
My overall impression was: wow, that’s kinda hot. For the most part the story flowed well, moving from one point to the next without any jarring or uncomfortable transitions.
The only things that really struck me were a few bits of punctuation here and there. Oh, and the conversation in the kitchen between the main character and Mike. Something about it seems forced.. unnatural. But maybe that’s just me.
Anyways, I liked. :)
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