I have another urbis account : ‘JacquelynDavis’ and i saw this earlier. Congrats on the revisions
JD
Young Adult / Gifted, Prologue (Charlotte's POV)
I stood there in my front yard, waiting. My hands were restless, and I jammed them in my pockets. I hated waiting, but I wasn't there alone. The cat waited with me. Not my cat, but one that could be blamed for a lot of my problems. Dumb cat.
"Max, when is she coming?" I asked the cat. The early summer air was crisp but still. Soon the grass would shrivel up in the heat.
A furry nuzzle against my ankle was his only response. He took a stance next to me, and I felt his fuzzy haunch on bare foot. Yeah, the cat could understand me. I suppose she'd sent him as a watchdog, er, cat, when she wasn't around. The details were still fuzzy.
I'd gotten the feeling that I was supposed to wait here, so I was waiting. A lot of things weren't making sense these days, least of all the strange feelings I was getting. Or the fact that I didn't question them as much. I wasn't part of the real world anymore. I had a reality, just not the one that I was used to.
We still waited as twilight fell.
"I've decided to accept," I told the wind. I gulped back my fear at what I'd just done. A few seconds passed before I saw the gentle explosion of light and she appeared. It's important that I could see it. Most people can't.
Em was like an ethereal grandmother. Everything about her was silver and lavender. "You have made the right choice, Charlotte."
Her voice was a lullaby in a storm. I felt calmer, more at peace. But there were still questions I hadn't asked yet, and while she was standing here, I asked one more.
"Now what?"
"You still have much to learn, and your gift must be developed."
I nodded, even though I didn't know what she was talking about. Em didn't waste time with fluff, that was for sure. I slipped my feet back into my flipflops and shuffled closer to her. She spoke a few hushed words, and then we vanished.
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KatieL reviewed Version 2 -
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FromRazorToRosary reviewed Version 2 -
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Well, I have never read any of your previous work but this piece seems like a good prolouge. It draws the readers attention and leaves them with questions that would make them want to read further,which is the point.
As I am finding out a lot, you are a very descriptive person. You use various techniques in your writing to describe things that are happening.
.: Her voice was a lullaby in a storm :.
I espcially like particular part because most would be original and say “her voice was calming” or something of the sort. The way you make a twist of your own uniqueness is extremely nice.
I’d love to read more!
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effervescentpsyche reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked the spacing, it was not hard on my eyes and it made it a lot easier to read. I think you did just the perfect amount of description as well. It definitely sounds like an intresting story.
gymchik104 reviewed Version 2 -
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I really like the suspense of this piece. It seems like you’ve been working really hard on this. This is a very strong opening. It drew me in from the start.
You might want to use another word besides twilight.
Happy writing,
JD
crazzeeninja reviewed Version 2 -
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading this prologue, and I definetely will dig about a bit for any other parts, if they’re around.
I love the feeling of suspense this has to it, it’s a brilliant beginning for a most likely brilliant story.
Overall, you’ve done good. Great job with the foreshadowing, as well.
unusualgirl0 reviewed Version 2 -
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Interesting. I haven’t read the other versions, so I can’t provide a comparison, but, a few things”
I stood there in my front yard, waiting
Not a very impressive opening sentence. I’m not hooked by it. Maybe start with something else.
watchdog, er, cat
Maybe have it be “er, watchcat” because just cat was a touch confusing and distracted me.
Mostly, I’m just confused. I know that’s what you’re going for, but it’s a bit more than is acceptable for me. You transition from waiting with Max, to talking with Em (is Em there? is this a memory? I don’t get it). I don’t have any idea of who this character is, even her age, or really where she is. There’s magic, that much is clear, so is the normal earth, or somewhere else? Even this early in the game, I have to be able to visualize it, and I can’t. That’s off-putting.
However, I do think you have an excellent start, and that you are a good writer. Please, don’t be discouraged. Good luck and keep wriring.
PS—Do you really need a prolouge? Or can you just start with chapter 1? Prolouges are overplayed an often not needed.
NachtXEngel reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m very curious as to what happens next. The writing is mature enough that with time, it could very well be published. Good work.
JacquelynDavis reviewed Version 1 -
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“Not my cat- just one that had, if I wanted to look at this selfishly, been the root of a lot of my problems. Dumb cat. “
I think that sentence would be easier to digest if it was rearranged.
I liked the suspense at the end of this piece. I think the piece overall could use more description. You drew me in after the first sentence. Good story. Keep it up :)
Happy Writing,
JD
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