Thanks for your thoughts. I think the 4th stanza needs a lot of work too.
Poetry / Destination
Asphault stretches surround me,
devouring terrified travelers,
speeding at eighty miles an hour.
Passengers, with dry, cracked eyes,
stare blankly out of windows,
swelling up and leaking disappointment.
Driving demands my undivided attention;
trapped and captive in rolling glass jars,
a habitat of plastic and vinyl interior.
Overwhelmed by fierce regret,
a long line of over-looked people
are rendered thoughtless with road-rage.
I crack a window to be slapped by cool air,
desperately trying to stay awake,
as hours, miles, and endless scenery pass.
Hypnotized, consciousness fades,
as I blink away the rhythmic yellow dots,
and try to find a way back home.
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Johnsienoel reviewed Version 3 -
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Very clear and overall pretty good. My only criticism is that some of the verses are driven to excess. They could lose a word or two on some of their lines:
V2 – are the windows swelling and leaking disappointment? That is how it reads as phrased.
V3 – drop [interior]
v4 – drop [with road rage] the line has so much more power by ending it at thoughtless.
v5 – consider rewording two lines:
[Cracking a window I am slapped by cold air] – give it the bit you create with the visual
[endless hours, miles and scenery pass] – for some reason I thought the last two verses occurred in the PM so I wondered if scenery could really be passing, in the visual sense.
Nice job.
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Silic0Ns0uL reviewed Version 3 -
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Spelling: ‘asphalt’
I feel that the mood is not quite reflected in the writing style. Half the stanzas emphasize the monotony of a long travel while the other half emphasizes the perception of the immediate surroundings. There are also several instances where the end of the verse doesn’t follow logically from the beginning.
Stuff that bothered me was:
-“terrified travelers” (why? speed? 80mph) yet “stare blankly” and “leaking disappointment.”
-starts with “driving demands my undivided attention” yet the thought is never finished. somehow it jumps into artistic description of a car.
-there is no causation for “fierce regret” and it is never explained afterward. same with “overlooked people.”
-there is no logical progression through the first 4 stanzas. if you rearranged the order to 3,1,2,4 that mite work.
-of all the stanzas, i like 5 and 6 the most and 4 the least.
(sorry if your linebreaks are different and numbering is off)
terry_snipes reviewed Version 3 -
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I think that the clarity in this poem is obvious. But at the same time, I feel that the poem was a little too cyptic. Okay, okay, I’ll explain what I mean. Yes, the overall theme of the poem seems to be about traffic, but I dont know what the deeper meaning is- if there is any deeper meaning.
In my opinion, I like to review poems because a person’s expression can never be “good” or “bad”. But it can be confusing as hell.
I liked the poem overall. I liked the simplistic quality of it.
EAnonymous reviewed Version 3 -
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You don’t need any commas in the fourth line except the one after “dry”.
Line 7, I think this would be better if you didn’t use the word “driving”. I think it’s too obvious, but maybe that’s just me.
The fourth stanza seemed like a tangent to me. The rest of the poem suggested stretches of empty highway, while that stanza made me think of heavy traffic and gridlock.
The ending is very nice.
Very good poem about driving. :)
snarfus reviewed Version 3 -
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This is excellent. You’ve taken something as mundane as driving and made it into something bittersweet and moving. I can see the highway in my mind as the narrator races away from something. It would be nice if there were a line or two detailing the narrator a bit more, but that’s a minor quibble.
mzsweetie06 reviewed Version 3 -
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I liked this one….who knew that something so simple could be made to seem so complex? On e of my fave lines was “trapped and captive in rolling glass jars, a habitat on plastic and vinyl interior”. I understand that. great description and word usage. I liked the fact that u kept my attention , leading me. i look forward to reading more of your work
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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If you are tlaking about the highway wouldn’t it “stretch” ahead of you?
“trapped and captive in rolling glass jars.” This seems to ruin the flow. a vehicle is only partly glass the rest is fiberglass, and sheet metal. I assume the glass is referring to the car.
“Overwhelmed by fierce regret,” Regret of what? Regret needs an adjective to predicate it.
“crack a window to be slapped by cool air. I crack a window and am slapped by the rush of cool air???? This longer but adds a bit of zing ot it.
You have done a good job describing a trip in a car. I like the ending where the traveler reaches his destination. However, i believe you could make it more fluent by being a little more forthcoming with why the driver feels regret. It would give the reader a sense of what was going through the driver’s mind. Is the river making the journey during the day or night. A time of day or night might help to make it more interesting. Hope i have helped Respectfully Sandi
jebozid reviewed Version 2 -
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Better! But still unclear about the travelers-passengers bit.
Why are the travelers terrified and how do we see them?
Passengers are where? Riding with you? Or the terrified travelers? Or are they the same?
You see how this could make the reader believe random things.
BTW. for normal linebreaks c/p from word to notepad, then from notepad to urbis. OR use Shift+Enter for a single linebreak (just Enter skips 2 lines)
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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First part of your poem leads me to believe you are a bus driver gone a bit crazy, speeding while your passengers are scared. Later, you could be just a driver.
Tin boxes could be maybe mobile phones, it was too vague (also the dome of glass)
The last 4 lines change the pace and the atmosphere, they sound as if you’re demanding of someone or advising someone (to crack a window, take a breath, etc)
I felt the general sense of purposlessness and tiredness, but few more specifics and cleaning out those ambigous spots would improve this piece.
Also take time to punctuate it right (ending 2nd and 3rd lines with comma, “Swell” to lower case, etc)
aquaruischick reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a nice poem. Add more descriptive words and more details and it will be even better.
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