Stage Play / Sudents scenes 4-5 (Analysis)
Act one:Scene 4
(The scenery does not have to change but it would look better if the bench on stage is removed but this depends on the director)
Aaron:That was close
Nath: Yea for a minute i thought we where coffin dogers
Dan: Yea,that might of been close but i have a strange feeling that we havent seen the end of him.Just beware!
Aaron:Hang on a minute who are you and what have you done with Dan?
(Dan and Nath look puzzled)
Dan and Nath:What?
Aaron:Well i think Dan just started to care
Dan:Nio i didnt its just that i will get the blame if anything happens to us
Aaron:Whatecer i think you are getting more sensitive eveyday,Are you sure you are not turning like shakespeare?
Dan:You are a gay bastard Aaron you think that i am gay do you time how long you take in the batheroom everyday
Aaron:Well its not my fault my fondation needs applying (he suddenly stops after relising what he just revealed)
(Dan and Nath cant help thamselves and burst out in tears and winding him up as they all leave the stage)
Act one:Scene 5
(Scenery changes back to the college room with Joe working hard on the computer)
Joe:Every day i sit up here i be bullied by these thugs and i dont now how much longer i can cope especially since my mother passed away last week she was the olny thing woth living for.And that was dans fault if he never stole from that drug dealer then it would of never happened.they started with sometging samll like the T.v But then they went biggger and bigger until thay killed my mom all because Dan cant be bothered to get of his arse and get ajob washin gup or something.they warned him enough times and it was a tragity when it was my own mother in the wrong place at the wrong time.If he never told her tghat i was in serious debt troulble and someone had to pay up fast then she would have never went t othat fucking bastard.Ans all his excuse was is that he never thought nthey would use the gun.I ddnt know what had happened until i got home from a weeks school trip to spain.It never fucking happened.(By this time he totaly breaks down in tears)
(the rest of the gang enter inmto the scene joe quickly hides the tears)
Dan: Have you finished with the ID cards yet
Joe: No nearly
Dan: well get amove on what have you been doing while we have been away.Sobbering about you fucking dead mother.She sdead and theres nothing wee could have done to stop it now get a grip
Joe: (Joe is heart broken when he hears dan and clunches his fists in anger) Shut up about my mom you fucking arsehole.You killed her you fucking moraon 9with that he leaps and starts a fight on Dan who is also stronger the others just sit and watch the free entertainment eventually they both calm down and get a grip)
Dan: Sorry brov i didnt mean to offend you (sarcastically) now get on and do the cards before i give you a matching black eye to go wilth the one i just gave you
Joe: (Cleching his fists again and gritting his teeth) Fine.
Dan:Good
Aaron:Can you hear that (the sound of two teenagers having sex comes faintly from next door)
Nath: Yeah i hear it alright and what i would do to join in.
Dan: well lads we soon will be.
Nath: Are we gonna start on the drugs or what
Dan: Yeah,Joe do you want some
Joe: No thatnks i have got to have a clear head tryiing to do this.
Dan: Good point il have your share then
(The boys leave joe on his own as they go to one of the bedrooms.the light fade out and back up to indicate time passing)
Joe: Done it all,Right we have to be caredful with these dont let the bar man have a good look aqt these because you can still tell they rae fake if you look closely so just a quick flash ibn the face and he should let you get the drinks in.
Dan: Right are we ready lads.then lets go
(All the boys leave the stage)
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This piece desperately needs spell-check! As with the first set of scenes, your punctuation, capitalization, spelling, grammar, etc. are all a mess! That’s probably not the impression you are trying to create.
I suggest you copy this over into Word or whatever application your computer has and you check the spelling and grammar first. After you’ve finished that, read the lines of each character aloud, or get some friends to read each part. As it reads now the dialog is pretty rough. The long personal narrative at the beginning of scene 5 ruined it for me.
Again, “amuse…/warm hearts” is not a good goal for this. Who could possibly get a warm fuzzy from kids being bullied and committing crimes? The ribbing about being gay is unoriginal, and has been done better elsewhere. I find myself only slightly curious where this is all going, but I hope to read all the scenes just to finish what I’ve started.
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The structure of the play was well done. You have laid out a foundation for the plays through the characters. I enjoyed that you were able to show us a little bit about their personalities and you kept their conversations between one another humorous, especially when they began to pick on one another in Scene 4.
When I got to Joe’s opening lines at the top of Scene 5, I had a really hard time following what he was trying to say. I can understand if you were trying to have him speak in slang however, be sure that you keep it consistent. i.e use “ass” instead of “arse”. If that was not your intent,then the spelling and grammer must be corrected. Also, there are ton’s of grammer problems. It would be best to use the appropriate punctuations so actors will be able to add personality and changes in action.
You have potential with this play but there are aspects still missing. Provide us with a character description so we know who is whom. Also make sure your play answers the most basic of scene questions. Who? What? Where? Why? How?
I am sorry if I am nit-picking but as a Musical theater director and stage manager for over 15 years. I couldn’t help but want to give you some professional input.
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