Poetry / Because Of ... (Analysis)

I liked the logic behind this until  the part where the wind blows because of happy mothers. Prior to that it was easy to believe and made sense but, wind blow for due to a particular sentiment broke your stream of logic, and went metaphoric, this piece was literal otherwise.
So it was nice but had a real dealbreaker that threw it off.
Gavinswar

Might want to work on the logical sequence of your clauses. For example, the wind doesn’t blow because mothers are happy. It’s nice that you want to make those kinds of associations, those associations are beautiful and poetic, but you should use them as metaphors or analogies rather than jumping from what seems to be logical sequence to sudden illogical associations, it breaks the flow of the piece. Good work!

I like that you link each event with cause and effect. I dont get the connections.
I think its kind of generalized and unrelated. I felt a lack of passion with the connections. I think if you
added a little more passion with each pharse It would help to connect them. You have a good base.

Hi there,

Most people will critic the continual usage of a starter word in poetry. Believe me, I have heard it many times. In your case, it allows the piece to have a warm summer flow to it, using your connecting pattern works very well. If I were to change anything it would have to be where because Mothers are happy, the wind blows. I try to imagine and draw some type of connection here but am at a loss. Maybe I just don’t see it. In trying to think of a connection, I might use “Because when mothers are happy, mother eart releases its winds to blow”. I dunno, I would have to really ponder more on this. One typo correction, a couple small one’s; one Line 5, coler to clour; Line 6, there to their. No biggy. A nice piece!

This poem has a very nice message, and I think should have been entered into the ‘warm a few hearts category’ as well!

There are a few spelling mistakes, which hopefully will become apparent with a re-draft.

I also think you could possibly cut the last line, as (in my opinion) it would make it ‘enough’, rather than repeat ‘rain’ again in the next line.

The repititon of ‘drop, drop, drop’ is very good as well. It really helps finish the poem.

A possible suggestion for you is to re-work it, so it rhymes or has an equal number of syllables to each line. I only say this because it opens ‘because of…’, and sounds like it should end with a repetitive phrase as well.

Well done!

its a bloody brilliant poem and the idea behind it is excellent you just need to watch out for a few things though.

colour not color or coler.
why would happy mothers make the wind blow?
and you need to fix this sentence “because YOU rain…” you cant rain. it can rain though.

the ending just needs a bit of work, it builds up and then it just drops like that.

other then that i really love it. please gimme a line when you fix it up

Haha, I must say this is very interesting. Interesting cycle, and good use of repetition of Because. But there are several serious grammatical and spelling errors:
hopeing to rain will stop—-> hoping the rain will stop
coler—-> color
there mother’s are happy—-> their mothers are happy
Because you rain—-> should it be Because it rains?

also, maybe all should start with Because of. Currently some start with Because the. They would really sound better, for e.g. Because the flowers will bloom the earth will be full of color,---> Because of the flowers blooming the earth will be full of color,

And also, maybe at the end of ‘but I think,’ it should be a colon, so it’ll be ‘but I think:’ as you’re listing out all the things you’re thinking.

Very nice poem about cause and effect and the beauty of nature, though I’m sure some meteorologist will take issue with the notion that the wind is caused by mothers’ happiness, but whatever.

The last line though is problematic. Did you really mean “because you rain”? If so, then it’s a vague metaphor.