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Humor/Satire / A Bad Science Affair (Analysis)
A BAD SCIENCE AFFAIR
He grew up in Colorado. And, of course, he loved the Rocky Mountains. He loved to walk in them and camp in them and climb in them and hunt and fish in them. His love for the mountains is a major part of this story. And the reason for his arrest and trial and conviction. But that's for later.
She was a beautiful woman. Younger than he was, but still very intelligent and down to earth; and, to him, beautiful. Simply looking into her eyes made his knees go weak and his heart beat faster so that he worried his heart might fail. The first time he took her in his arms and kissed her on the lips was the closest to heaven this man thought he'd ever be. She kissed him back. She wanted him, too. A fact which both surprised and delighted him.
They spent the summer that way. Falling in love. But as love stories often go, it was over way too soon. She went back to graduate school at the university and he returned to the daily grind of teaching high school in a small mountain village. Watching her drive away was one of the saddest moments of his life.
Of course, they were to stay in touch. And for several weeks they did just that. But ever so slowly the phone calls came with less frequency. Finally they stopped coming all together.
Night after night he would stare at the television, miserable and alone. And heart-broken. Until the day she knocked on his door.
She needed his help. She had been working 80-100 hours a week on a secret government-sponsored program. It had reached the final testing stages and they were ready for human experimentation. They needed the right kind of subject. She looked in his eyes as she told him he would be the perfect subject.
They had sent her to recruit him. But she wanted him to refuse. He would be handsomely paid, but it would be dangerous. Very dangerous. She wanted to quit the program. She wanted to move in with him and be his wife and live with him forever. The last few months made her realize just how much she loved him, and needed him.
"You stopped calling me. You stopped returning my calls." He didn't realize just how angry and hurt and bitter he'd become. "I'm going to do it. If I survive, maybe then we can talk about a life together."
He had no idea just how secretive a university campus could become. They did everything but strip search him.
He was taken into a cold room filled with lab-coated technicians, and more PhD's than he'd ever seen in one place before. He was placed on an exam table, covered only in a flimsy hospital gown.
They drew blood, analyzed his DNA, poked and prodded and did just about everything except open heart surgery.
And that was it. He was not told what would happen next, he was released, given a big paycheck and sent back home. And she stopped talking to him. Again.
It was almost six months later when he was at the local grocery store. Mrs. McCracken was there. Her son was in his English Lit class. And she was chairman of the PTA. He smiled at her as he walked by. She turned her head and huffed away.
"What was that all about?" he wondered.
In the check out line he was stopped by Frank, the manager. "You'll have to leave. We can't have that kind of language in here- we try to run a family place."
No chance for explanations. Confused and anxious he left the store. Several times he was met with ugly stares. The Principal's wife even snubbed him in the parking lot.
Driving back home he saw a man walking away from him. Something about him looked very familiar. As he passed him he couldn't believe his eyes- it was himself.
The man saw an exact duplication of himself walking the streets of his home town. And cursing like a sailor.
Suddenly it dawned on him. The university experiement. They had made a clone of him, and this man cursing down the sidewalk was his clone.
His reputation, his career, his entire life would be devastated. He had to do something. He pulled in front of the clone and pushed him into the back seat of the car, promising him a meal, or a beer, or whatever it took to get him off the street.
He managed to keep him in his home for several days as he tried feverishly to reach his ex-girlfriend, or anyone at the university who could get rid of this science experiment gone terribly bad. No one had ever heard of the project. The buildings he described didn't even exist.
He would have to handle the problem himself. And his mind returned to his beloved mountains. And the Point. A tall cliff, the bottom of which was impossible to reach. Whatever went down the cliff would never come out.
"Hey buddy, let's go for a hike. You know how much you love the mountains."
It was four miles from the trailhead to the Point. And a thousand feet to the ground below it.
"Do you remember this special place," he asked his copy. As the clone looked over the edge he gave it one tremendous push. The scream seemed to last forever but was lost in the sudden thud a thousand feet below. A little dust and his problems were solved.
Walking the trail back to his car he could smile again. As he approached his car he could be heard whistling. Until he rounded the bend and saw Sheriff Reese standing by his car.
"Thought you got away with it, did you. Nice try, but it's been done before, boy. You're under arrest."
The trial was short and to the point. He was not tried for murder, or manslaughter, or even assault. The dead body at the bottom of the cliff had never been born, and so could not be killed. His conviction was for something much less serious.
He was convicted of making an obscene clone fall.
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matthewtrent reviewed Version 1 -
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wltshr reviewed Version 1 -
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Dreadful. Simply dreadful.
One great pun does not a humorous short story make. Generally the story was choppy and needed a serious edit howver when I realised that it was only there for the final gag…
It could be better. Lose the girlfriend stuff completely, it doesn’t really work.
A nice pun but good lord…
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