Thank you for the review. I agree that it needs to be longer with a little less tell, and a lot more show. I actually did this for a contest with a 500 word limit. I didn’t win.
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Short Story / the damsel and the pirate
Sara walked into the door again. My desk sat next to the copy room, and for the last three days she would walk by me with something Mr. Coch, we always called him Mr. Crotch behind his back, gave her to copy, and say “hi” without stopping. Then she would crash into the door, say sorry, and disappear through the door with a nervous laugh and a red face.
Sara and I had been friends since we were in the second grade. I say friends since the second grade only because that’s when we both realized that we were friends Our mothers were best friends since college, had a double wedding, and had children one year apart. I was the first, and Sara was born one year later. we were just like brother and sister. We always played together at barbeques and picnics, we had our childish fights, which we always got over. . We would play this game where she was a damsel in distress, and I was a pirate who would come to her rescue. It was a fun game, but eventually we grew out of it, and our friendship matured into one that, just like brother and sister, we would tell each other our days, and secrets, but that was an unspoken limit between us.
Even though we are both grown, and out of college, our friendship is just as strong as ever. I still protect her just like a sister though, however I could never protect her from a string of failed relationships with guys I never really approved of. I just wanted her to be happy.
On my desk, I had a plain brown package, with no writing on it, and it was fairly flat, but Mr. Crotch gave me some work to do, and it’s taken me 3 days to get through it all, and still the package sat unopened. It isn’t because I wasn’t interested, but the boss had me doing so much work that by the time I left for the day, all I could think about was getting home to a quick tv dinner, and bed.
I could hear Sara, through the copy room door, saying what sounded like “stupid, stupid, stupid”. probably kicking herself for running into the door, and I looked at the brown envelope on my desk. Something in my brain connected, “three days.” I mumbled. The amount of time that Sara has been running into doors, and this envelop has been sitting on my desk. Now my curiosity is aroused. I picked up the envelope, opened it, and reached in. the first thing I pulled out was a pirate’s eye patch. I reached in again and pulled out a note in Sara’s handwriting. “will you be my pirate forever?” was all the note said. I was thinking about what the note said, and I guess I didn’t hear the copy room door open. When I looked up, Sara was just standing in front of me, her arms practically bursting with papers, and her eyes were hopeful.
Quietly, so that the rest of the office, and especially Mr Crotch, couldn’t hear, all I said was “Yes”. The smile on her face grew, and we both went back to work, happy that we were more than just brother and sister.
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MacCrasik reviewed Version 1 -
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Wytchcat reviewed Version 1 -
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Capitalize “Hi” You do this with quoted material through out.
”...but that was an unspoken…” but THERE was…
”...just like a sister though, however …” you don’t need “though” here.
”...brain connected, “three days.” I mumbled. The amount…” period after connected, Capitalize “Three” comma after mumbled.
“Now my curiosity is aroused.” And you have switched from past tense to present tense. Next sentence goes back to past tense.
This is a very sweet little story. Probably more flash fiction length than short story. Go through and clean up capitalization and punctuation and it will be a winner.
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rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a nice enough vignette, heart-warming.
Do you have any plans to make it longer? You spend most of the time introducing the characters and their relationship with each other but I think it needs more body before you get to the end.
I spotted a spelling mistake, there’s an envelope missing the final ‘e’
Overall, a short, enjoyable read which could do with some fleshing out
good luck
PavloP reviewed Version 1 -
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There are many tricky spots in this and sometimes the flow of the writing is distracting. It has a monotonous feel; one improvement would be to remove “I” from the beginning of so many of your sentences, think of more colourful ways of saying what you have already said. Being very specific there are some lines that just don’t work, “Then she would crash into the door, say sorry, and disappear through the door with a nervous laugh and a red face.” its messy. Be careful about using “and” twice in the same sentence as well as “door”. In addition the sentence could start with a more appropriate word. I think if you look at this story on a sentence by sentence level you will quickly improve the sound of it and its clarity. That’s my main suggestion.
Actually you also need to expand this greatly. I feel if you let yourself expand on their past relationship and developed the description of the transition to their current state and then throw in the eye patch. Its symbolic meaning between the two friends will be greatly improved and the reader will also feel more sympathy for the friends. So expand & clarify….Good luck!!
rhizome23 reviewed Version 1 -
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Charming scenario, but this is flash fiction.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece has potential, but still needs more work. I saw a few punctuation and grammar problems such as.. Sara and I had been friends since we were in the second grade. I say friends since the second grade only because that’s when we both realized that we were friends[.] Our mothers were best friends since college, had a double wedding, and had children one year apart. —There are a couple other places where you omitted punctuation or forgot to capitalize a letter. You may want to read threw it again before posting. I always go through my stories at least 3x before letting anyone see them so I can post my best work and catch as many spelling and grammar problems as possible.
Also, there needs to be a transition from your character’s inner thoughts to the reality of working in the office. It was a bit jarring when you switched gears on me so suddenly.
Overall, I like the idea of friends becoming more than just friends, however tell us what brought on this sudden change in their relationship. Were there any signs before that Sara’s feelings were changing? When did your male character start looking at Sara differently? I doesn’t seem likely that your character would change his brotherly views towards Sara just because of one simple note unless he had already felt this way. If that is true, then you need to show it in your story. Maybe he starts noticing the way her clothes compliment her body. They might give each other few shy, meaningful glances. Give us some sexual tension. Anything that might indicate a shift in the brother/sister dynamic to a more romantic one. I think with a bit more character development and use of descriptive words you can flesh this out to be a very entertaining story. Good luck.
avedis reviewed Version 1 -
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A nice short story, filling in history, giving us “that moment”.
With something this short, every word has to count, and your writing has to be very tight.
Details like “Mr Coch” renamed “Mr Crotch” can add that personal touch, but must also carry a bit more with it. Just a bit about how you and Sara laughed at the joke, so we have a practical example of how they share humor.
Your last sentence, the reveal, is far too weak. With all the feeling of “I found I liked sugar in my coffee”. This moment has been growing in them both for years, when you give us that final realisation on his part, you must give us more than “happy that we were more than just brother and sister.”
I don’t know if you have a word count limitation or whether that was self-imposed. If you can use more words, it would pay you to expand some parts of this.
Just some suggestions for tightening up the writing:
This sentence “My desk sat..without stopping.” is both too long and clumsy. ->
“My desk sat next to the copy room and so I hadn’t wondered why she kept walking past over the last three days, offering me a quick smile and a “Hi”. Mr Coch, Sara and I laughingly called him Mr Crotch, often gave her papers to copy.”
“Then she would crash” -> “Each time she passed, she would crash…”
“the second grade” -> “the second grade together”
“Sara and I..one year apart.” You repeat the word “friends” three times in this short passage, repetition can grate. Also, due to the age diference, would they have been in second grade together? I’d re-arrange this.
Start with “Though we had known each other almost from birth, it was only when (she/I) was in the second grade that the bond had really strengthened.”
“We would play this game..her rescue.”
This game is a crucial part of the story, you use it in the final moment. Therefore make more of the reference here.
Just a suggestion:
“Though we had many games over the years, our favorite had been pirate and damsel in distress.” Then give a short example of how you played the game. Finally, “Eventually we felt too old to play it any more, and our relationship became more adult.”
When you return from the past to the present, make the transition just a little more smooth. “Even though we are both grown, and out of college” -> “Even though we are now both grown, and out of college”
“I still protect her just like a sister” You are not a sister, which this phrasing infers. “Like an older brother, I still try to protect her…”
Another long and clumsy sentence (lus here you say package, later you say envelope) “On my desk, I had…the package sat unopened.”
“For the last three days, I have had a plain brown envelope on my desk, fairly flat and with no writing on it. Mr Crotch had given me so much work, it just sat there unopened.”
You then repeat the same information in the next sentence, a waste of words.
“It isn’t because..and bed. ” -> “All I had time to do these last few days was handle my workload, then rush home for a quick tv dinner, and bed. “
This is the big moment “I could hear Sara…..looked at the brown envelope on my desk.” -> “Suddenly, I became aware of Saras voice from the copy room, it sounded like she was saying “Stupid, stupid, stupid”. I smiled, she was probably kicking herself for crashing into the door. I looked down at my desk and the brown envelope stared back at me.”
“Now my curiosity is aroused. I picked up the envelope,” You change tense here. “My curiosity aroused, I picked up the envelope”
“was all the note said….the note said, and I guess” Repetition. -> “was all it said. Puzzling over the words, I didn’t hear the copy room door open.”
“her eyes were hopeful” -> “her eyes full of hope”
“all I said was “Yes”. ” – > “the only word I could find to say was “Yes”.
Then rework that last sentence, give it some passion.
EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice story!
Some grammatical issues…
“we always called him Mr. Crotch…” this aside (which probably should be in parentheses) really breaks up the flow of the sentence. I’d move it to the next place he comes up, where you actually call him that. There’s just too much going on in that sentence right now. You could also add another sentence just to bring it up.
I would cut this from the second paragraph, second sentence: “I say friends… ...only because” – it’s not necessary.
”...that we were friends” -> period.
Capitalise “we were just like brother…”
“picnics, we had” -> comma splice; split it into two sentences.
“and our friendship matured” to avoid a run-on, I’d end the sentence there and start a new one at “Just like brother…”.
“grown, and out of college,” -> cut the first comma.
“On my desk, I had a plain brown package, with no writing on it,” -> no comma after desk; change “I had” to ‘was’; cut the next comma; end sentence after “it”.
“I guess I didn’t hear” -> cut ‘I guess’.
““will you be me pirate” -> capitalise “Will”.
New sentence at: “I looked at the brown…”
“stupid”. probably” -> make that period a comma.
”...still the package sat unopened.” you’re still on the same sentence here, but you should probably split all that into 2-3 sentences.
It’s a very cute story! Just some grammatical issues to work through. I believe I read another story with an assignment involving a letter with a pirate patch. Is this for the same thing? Good luck! :)
Underscore79 reviewed Version 1 -
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This first bit is extremely confusing due to grammar and syntax issues. I had to re-read it several times to get what you were trying to convey.
“My desk sat next to the copy room, and for the last three days she would walk by me with something Mr. Coch, we always called him Mr. Crotch behind his back, gave her to copy, and say “hi” without stopping.”
You might want to use long hyphens or parenthesis to separate the aside (...we always called him…) from the meat of the sentence.
In fact, the whole piece needs an overhaul when it comes to grammar and sentence structure. If this is a continuous weak point in your writing, I suggest boning up on some materials and getting someone to specifically edit your material before submitting for critique. It’s distracting, and no one wants a thoughtful critique that is focused on that simply because it’s hard to get past it.
Now on to the organization of the piece:
First, nothing about this piece has me excited or invested enough as a reader to want to discover more about the importance of the two friends to each other. The piece is flat, lacking the tension necessary to propel a reader forward.
Luckily, you can overcome that perhaps by thinking of a more exciting opening. For instance, what about opening the short story with him tearing open the envelope, and the pirate patch falling into his lap. By not having the backstory first, you give the reader something to ponder—why would someone send another person a pirate’s eyepatch? It’s enough of an odd item to maybe draw a reader’s curiosity. Maybe, just as the eyepatch slides out, Sara stumbles into the door. Their eyes meet and she blushes. At this point, it would make sense to go into the backstory, giving the reader an explanation for this silent exchange between the two characters. After that, have him read the note and give his answer.
I hope this helps, and you don’t feel slammed by the critique. Just pick up and try again. Sometimes writing a piece multiple times using a variety of different organizations and viewpoints allows you to truly see what works and what doesn’t.
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