Yeah, “the darkness” is repeated an awful lot. This was really just an exercise for class. I am going to use the concept of this in another of the stories for my collection.
Short Story / Seeing Darkness
The footsteps receded from the hallway, leaving just me and Adrienne sitting on the bed. A vestige of the day’s tears lingered in the back of my throat. The darkness of the room surrounded us in its gentle embrace. To my right, the heavy plastic shade obscured the white glow of moonlight on the window frame. Everything was quiet at last.
“So, sweetie,” Adri asked, “where would you like to begin?”
“I don’t know,” I replied, as our continual conversation resumed. “I guess…I like this, what we have here. I’m always so excited to go to bed because I know that no matter what happens to me during the day, I can always come to this at night.”
“You know, sweetie, I am there with you during the day too.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.” I lifted my head, and let the darkness seep into my eyes. “It’s something about the dark. I feel like I can tell it all of my sadness, and it will just absorb everything. It won’t get mad, and it won’t yell at me.” I looked in Adri’s direction and continued, “I mean, the darkness in the car tonight was nice.”
“I’m proud of the way you handled yourself in the car.”
“Why? I still let their words affect me.”
“But, you tried your best to ignore them. It’s really all you can do.” I could feel Adri smiling at me through the darkness.
I was sitting in the backseat of my parents’ car, earlier that evening. It was the drive back from the piano teacher’s house, and night had already set in. Their words pelted me and perforated the thick darkness within the car.
“We spent all that time practicing, all for nothing,” my dad boomed.
“You just sat there. You didn’t follow any of her directions, and just gave her dumb looks,” my mom interjected. “She didn’t call you stupid only because she didn’t want to embarrass you. And all those wrong notes! What do you think we’re driving you all the way out here for? It’s forty-five minutes each way!”
“I’ve done everything I can to help you,” my dad continued. “I take detailed notes during your lessons. We go over the pieces, note by note. You were doing alright on the Mozart piece at home and you were improving on the Chopin, but tonight you were lousy at everything.”
I turned my face to the cold glass of the car window while Adri tried in vain to gather the darkness around my ears. It didn’t work; I could still hear them. Through the window the stars glimmered, silent and unfeeling.
Adri turned to me through the darkness of my room. “Well, hun, if you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?”
“I wish they could just be nice. Why do they hate me, Adri? It makes me feel like the whole world hates me.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she replied in the tone she used when she couldn’t think of what to say. Instead, I felt her arms around me. “You know, hun,” she continued, “there are six and a half billion people in the world. Most of them don’t even know you exist. How could they possibly hate you? Your parents are just two people. Who cares what they think?”
“You’re right in saying it shouldn’t matter, but it does. I don’t know why.” I yawned. “I’m really tired Adri, but I don’t want to fall asleep. I want to spend as much time with you as I can.”
“But, I’ll be with you when you wake up.”
I laid my head on the pillow. “Remember that time a while back, when I tried to see what it would be like without your voice in my head?” Adri nodded. “I don’t ever remember feeling that alone.”
“Well, you will never have to be without me if you don’t want to be,” she replied as she pulled the covers over my shoulders. She leaned close, and I felt her whisper in my ear, “Every time they say something mean to you, I will be right here telling you it’s going to be okay. I promise to never stop, as long as you don’t give up.” She gently smoothed the blanket and gave me a long look. “I love you, sweetheart, more than you know. Good night.”
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vincecrisis reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. I think it’d work more if we were given some description of Adri and then the final reveal when she’s really just in his head. She does pull the covers over him so I guess that gives the impression she’s in the room anyway.
More description would help especially if we were given more about the parents. Their irritation at their son would become more concrete if you added things about how they reacted to their son, it’d be very subtle but I think it’d be for the best.
Also there isn’t anything wrong with putting said behind dialogue. Or between an exchange you don’t have to put that anyone said it. The reader can usually tell who said what by their dialogue. Polish it up and I think this will be the story you get published.
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kieron007 reviewed Version 1 -
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this was good, but i didn’t understand a lot of things. was Adrienne a figment of his imagination? what did he mean when he said its not the same during the day? great story tho. if she is an imaginary friend, i like how thats only evident in the last few sentences. interesting idea. keep em comin
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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So here we have a sensitive character being abused verbally and reacting with an imaginary defensive darkness shield. I like the general emotion of it, but found the payoff a little bland.
Within a very short space you’ve made the reader care about your unnamed “sweetie” by having her be the only character with depth and making her a child. Mom and Dad are faceless monsters, Adri is a (literally and figuratively) faceless motherly-best-friend-sister.
“A vestige of the day’s tears lingered” -“A vestige of” is unnecessary
use of the word “the darkness” becomes excessive you could probably use it twice or three times within this short short story without it becoming a nuisance; seven is too much.
“Most of them don’t even know you exist” – my thought here was “Wow, now you are telling me I’m insignificant AND my parents are spiteful jerks.”
Overall, 7’s
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s not bad. A few more hints about Adri would be helpful, though. Is she a sister, an imaginary friend, what?
Also, you take the whole darkness thing a little too far sometimes, especially this line- “while Adri tried in vain to gather the darkness around my ears”. How can someone gather darkness around ears? It’s a little silly and melodramatic for an otherwise serious piece.
jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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This contained some very, very solid writing. You have a skill for presentation and believable dialogue. You said the story was for a class and had some page restrictions, but as it is it reads fine. It doesn’t necessarily have any great message in it, but if I look at this as an example of your writing style, your ability, I’d say you’re well on your way.
The only thing I could even slightly object to is Adri’s calling her man (friend?) “sweety”, and really, that’s nothing to worry about. People call each other this all the time. It makes her very motherly.
boniface11 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it but a bit confused on who Adri is. Is Adri the “darkness” or an angel? Something else? Imaginary friend, maybe.
Also, is this a graduate class or undergrad?
Hypernormal reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s interesting and certainly effectively creates that introspective mood…like two people in a tent with an oil lamp.
Although Adri’s identity is a mystery it doesn’t really seem to matter, although I think it might be an idea to point out the sex of the narrator at some point early on.
I particularly like the character’s affinity for darkness, rather than the usual opposite—the fear of it.
It’s a cosy, touching piece.
cursorblock reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good. I like how you allude to this being an imaginary friend but don’t come out and say it. You let us figure it out. I also like that you make darkness tangible and how this character tries to shield themselves with it.
Adri is the result of this child trying to protect themselves from the hurtful world around them. Their relationship is sweet and nurturing.
One thing that just read a little odd to me was the footsteps part at the beginning. I’d say the sound of the footsteps receded. As it reads, I had an image of a pair of feet walking down the hallway detached.
I like how you show us, not tell us, part of the reason why Adri exists with the dialog with the parents.
Nice piece. Thanks for posting. How did it do in class?
rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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“You’re right in saying it shouldn’t matter, but it does. I don’t
know why” --- Your character says this about his parents, but why would he not know? He’s upset because they’re his parents.
I have the feeling that this story is not finished, either that or it needs some more light thrown on the darkness. I have no idea who Adri is…..an imaginary friend? a voice in his head? a ghost?
Throughout this I was waiting for something mysterious to be revealed, some twist to arrive. I thought perhaps your pianist was blind and his parent too uncaring to have even noticed. But it seems he’s not blind, he’s unhappy, his parents are bastards, and he’s comforted by an physical/spiritual presence that lives inside/outside his head. Your story doesn’t have any resolution either, he’s tucked in and he and Adri tell each other they love each other; there’s a brief allusion to a time when they tried to live apart which sounds like it could be interesting, and then it’s gone.
Darkness – you use this word far too much, use synonyms like ‘gloom’ or ‘night’.
You can write well and your dialogue is believable, and there is a lot that you could do with this story if you harvest the mystery that lies at the centre of it, but as it stands right now, it’s too vague.
good luck developing this
groovieknave reviewed Version 1 -
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I noticed right off the dialog was confusing, not really sure who is talking Adri or whoever. I’d recommend tagging each bit of dialog at the beginning of a story, because we haven’t learned who the characters are yet. Try adding more personality and actions… I know tagging can get tedious though, just try to make it interesting.
I could have done with some more imagery in the car ride, or just more imagery. I understand it was rushed though. Also I don’t feel like it was an ending, just a start. I’m not sure what it meant, I’m guessing an imaginary friend? We never got a name for the main character…
My main suggestions is that it should be longer and needs more tagging in the dialog, also more descriptions of the surroundings. Otherwise, it is interesting to read just needs work.
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