Poetry / apocalypse, later

I’m not going to be much help here I’m afraid as I really liked this poem. The only line that jarred my reading rhythm a little was ‘But, it never rains in California, it only pours.’ I got your meaning but the way the line appeared from nowhere it just felt a little clunky. Nit-picking really, but those are my opinions for what they’re worth.

Really love this writing.  It really evokes a sense of place and our time.  Would love to give you some tips and some constructive criticism but can think of nothing.  Just loved it.  Nuff said.

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December 28, 2008

by mimici

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
32	66.7% (9 votes)	23.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
46	F	Ventura, CA	April 25

Wow. Thanks so much.

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I’ve lived in other states and I have to say there is no place like California.  I’m not entirely sure that is a good thing.  
“We are evolved. We do pilates. We are like steel.”  That pretty much sums it up.  
While reading this I could feel the energy of the words.  I felt as though there was someone speaking directly to me.  Though that may be because I’m a native Californian.  

I want Apocalypse Now, dammit!

Fun piece, M.   Format?  God only knows.   God and you, mebbe.  

Very much enjoyed the odd and unique combination of words/phrases:

“terribly attractive people and rattlesnakes” being one of them.

and onemanonevote, the ending feels flat to me.  like a little kid waving his fist at me.  maybe this was the intent.

the piece feels like a song of the disillusioned, and so the closing line feels oddly weak and it actually depressed me. Any way you could scream this line effectively?  

am i being mean?  ”bring it, bitch,” I said, waving my nerf baseball bat.  i’ll stop being mean now and i’ll stop wasting your credits.

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September 18, 2008

by mimici

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
32	66.7% (9 votes)	23.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
46	F	Ventura, CA	April 25

Lol, meanie. You are not mean, I always like your input. I will give that some serious thought.

September 18, 2008

by Marvin

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
570	95.7% (487 votes)	60.1%

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32	M	United States	April 26

meow.

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As a short story writer and California lover, I have to say this would make a really good beginning for a story. I related to all that was said about the west coast. The language you use has a little attitude, but not haughty attitude.

I could see this as a beginning sequence to a movie based specifically in California (something like LA Story). Also, I know you are a writer but if you like multitasking, you could do this a performance piece. Maybe a modern dance or dramatic reading performed before a slideshow of quake footage and images of daily life in your area? These are just ideas.

I like your phrasing. The format does need some rearranging if you want it to be read in print. Something I do when I want to turn a journal entry into a poem is select only key phrases that can make sense or create an image standing alone. Those can be used as lines in a more tightly constructed poem. I think you have a passion for California. Good thing because life in California can generate a lot of stories.