Poetry / This Just In (Analysis)

I enjoyed this most of all because it’s naked, meaning it’s just you saying what you need without trying to dress it up with pretty language and obscurities, which is what so many do so often with poetry and prose. Well done. Your handle on mechanics is great, and I think this will resonate well with people who are falling in love, or have already made that plunge. It’s a terrific lover’s poem.

I can envision this as a song easily. Is that maybe what you’re going for?

My only criticism, and this is not much actually, is your use of contractions: lookin’, ‘cause, etc. But here I see that they don’t necessarily take away from what you’re trying to accomplish.

Great poem, keep it up!

A night out, perhaps at a wedding dance floor. This is the scene I get from a quick read at your poem. This style of writing can be misunderstood, because is not much of sentiments expressed, but there is image in this piece. Like I said is more of a short script of a fantasy scene.

Strong line whisper drifts through my soul. 1st stanza strongest. Nice flow. Second stanza you take my life – I understand what you mean and I feel it but the flow isn’t there. Another line that’s really nice is swirling on your incredible energy. Very palpable feeling. Overall I really like this poem, it moves and flows. Just a couple toe stubbers in there, but really nice. And we’ve all (?) had these feelings eh? Good job!

I’ve never said this about any of the other poems I’ve ever reviewed:
This is the worst poem ever.
Haha, just kidding! ^_ sorry if i scared you.
It was great.
So great, in fact, that you should consider this being made into a song.
I can hear it now…
But let’s not get carried away; there are some things you need to fix.

“is intoxicating
me
and suddenly I can’t breathe”
Me having it’s own line in my opinion disrupts the flow.
And now, even thought this is a poem, you must have some punctuation. Like when you’re asking a question, you still need a question mark.

I really loved this poem, and don’t forget about what i said about the song thing. I think it could work :D

I’d drop line 25 (you take my breath away…) Like a bad habbit—it just isn’t needed.
“standing toe-to-toe to me” In this line I’d drop “to me”. It’s extra words that aren’t needed.
Absolutely devoid of imagery.
Remember: One of the fun parts about writing a poem is going over your draft and cutting out all the excess words, dangling modifiers, excess articles etc—creating a work that is trim and to the point.
Too much criteria.

• add/view comments (1)

September 23, 2008

by changes

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
26	88.0% (25 votes)	30.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
42	F	Staten Island, NY	September 14

Thank you.   I agree totally with toe-to-toe.  I wanted to write:

you take my breath  (giving a second to breathe)
away
I like the way you move

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This was utterly seductive and brings me close to fond memories of dancing with someone special.  You lost me on the last line – I think you need a better ending – something with a sexy punch or smoldering metaphor.  Overall, I enjoyed reading this.