okay I didn’t want to put too much into a review since you would have to pay for it with credits, so I critiqued it a little more in the review, but here I just want to tell you that i LOVE it. To be honest, I think it’s going ot help me with the decision I currently have to make over my love. THe first two lines are wonderful, and teh whole oem totally says what I want to say. The ending absolutely kicks ass. “I guess you forgot my heart would bleed too”. AH! I know I’m sort of rambling but every line is so apropo to what I would love to say to my boyfriend. Perhaps I’ll even give him this poem when I tell him it’s over tomorrow (valentine’s day – sad face). If that’s alright with you…?
Poetry / untitled
swallowed the jagged edge
of truth in your lies
embraced your explanations
cutting my soul just to prove I’m alive
wanting to offer comfort
needing more than you can give
wondering when to expect
the next indiscreet discretion
praying for a chance to begin
again coming up empty
reliving by tearing away
cold embrace offers no solace
perhaps I didn’t want it this way
never gonna fall again
maybe I should have checked first
to make sure someone would catch me
because this one has hurt so much worse
your ghosts roam the paper thin walls of my mind
maybe sometime you could ask them
to tell me what did they find
uncovering all my dark secrets
releasing some of yours too
never expecting the bitter realization
that even the strongest hearts bleed too
i guess you forgot my heart would bleed too
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Joz reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
How about
/I swallowed the jagged edge of truth/ when I injested your lies/ and embraced your explanations/ I failed to see your shortcomings/
I like the cutting my soul part.
You have /wanting to offer comfort/ needing more than you can give/ This deals with feelings of choice – wanting and needing. How about /needing more than you are willing to give/ Saying “than you can give� displaces the blame. This piece points the literary finger at the offender. Don’t let the person off that easy; show that they choose this.
/reliving by tearing away/ tearing away from what? Him? Thoughts of him? You could put another line in here.
The ending seems weaker then the rest of the poem. Also, the last 1/3 of it gets into longer lines/ more words. Perhaps shorten it?
I like this poem. I understand it. I would like to see the last part of it reworked. Keep me updated on any changes.
I don’t know about a title. Try to pull a line from the poem.
- add/view comments (0)
sapphiresunbeam reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Wow. indiscreet discretion – I like this, but it’s hard to get past the tongue/brain. I stumbled over it. coming up empty / reliving by tearing – a better transition would flow better. and i LOVE the ending lines
RainbowMassacre reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
It’s very good, i like the imagery. As for title suggestions, how about “I Guess You Forgot”.
Showing 1 - 3 of 3
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
3 Reviews 2 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: over 2 years ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
