Thanks.
Yeah…Ben the Chickenhearted. I had the same thought as well, yesterday. I’ve rewritten it so that there is an elder actually giving the orders, and Ben is kind of skulking behind him.
Thanks again for the input!
Novel Treatments / The Coachman: Prologue and Chapter One (Analysis)
Prologue
A killer's hand trembles, and his fingers loosen around the hilt of his dagger. The blood of a mother and unborn sister runs free over sun-browned skin and mixes with the dirt and grime of the mother's tunic. The warmth of the blood and air only serves to heighten the sense of cold that settles over her body from the inside out. Her confused eyes shift from the face of the killer, with its twisted scar, to the faces of the two men behind him, men she knows, men she trusted...
"This, this can't be..." she gasps.
The killer backs off and lets the once expectant mother crumble to the ground, the blade still jutting from her pregnant belly, a perverse phallus ending life instead of seeding it.
A tiny voice calls out. The killer turns to find a boy racing toward him. He briefly wonders if he has ever seen anything more frightening than the bloodlust present in the boy’s eyes, and smiles.
It begins here, he thinks. With this blade in his mother's belly, the boy changes forever, doomed always to toil in pain and fear.
All of Pharen's roads lead here, at the crossroads, and from here unto death, an ancient knowledge whispers in the killer's mind.
The boy manages to grab a knife from one of the killer's men, and when the other moves to stop him, the boy plunges the blade into his gut. The boy does not stop, his eyes focused intently upon the killer. He swings the knife wildly, but the killer dodges the weapon and brings up his sword, slicing the boy's face open from the chin to his eye, a mirror image of the killer’s own. The boy drops his weapon and reaches up. The killer's scar itches when the boy explores the wound, and he smiles again. He rushes forward and strikes the boy, who lands in an unconscious heap next to his mother.
The killer turns to leave, his form melting into the light spilling through the door. The silhouette morphs into a winged beast, and the mother’s lips move one last time, her last breath a whisper, perhaps pleading, or more likely, accusing.
"Euticus..."
Chapter 1
No Peace Lasts Forever
"No!" Euticus Bluejay screamed, sitting up in bed, feeling his face. Smooth skin greeted his fingertips, save for the stubble of a young man. Shoots of straw from his bedding clung irritably to his sweat slicked body, and he brushed them lazily off .
Darkness lingered in Euticus’ waking mind. The last echoes of his terror faded, dispelled by the low sunlight leaking into his hut. Silent dread replaced the fear caused by the nightmare with the realization that the first day of the Living Season had come, and he would soon experience yet another death before the harvest.
A breeze blew through the room's single, crooked window, cooling him. He tried to deny the sweat, to fight the fear taking root in his soul, but to no avail.
A glint of light from his father’s sword, the only one his people had ever seen, caught his eye from its place on the wall. Ezekiel Bluejay would be ashamed. Death could be conquered. That is what his father would have told him, had he not been dead himself.
Euticus stood, and the swirling remnants of his dream faded. Splashing cool water from a basin on his face and neck, he closed his eyes and leaned against the edge, concentrating on the sensations of the world around him.
The crack of an ax splitting wood met his ears, followed by the hollow sound of each half hitting the ground. The aroma of bacon and eggs wafted through the window from the next hut over. Children played outside, and Euticus found it a cheerful sound, until he recognized the tell tale call outs and answers of Blind Love.
He opened his eyes and shook his head, dispelling the mental images in his mind. The memories that had come to the forefront, however, remained. In the basin, a young man weathered by mere thoughts stared at him from the surface of the water. He remembered a carefree child with a red Resting Season sun setting behind him while Julie Sparrow wandered around blindfolded, looking for him and their friend, Benjamin Crow. She had found Euticus and guessed his name, meaning they would be together for the rest of their lives.
Children's nonsense, he thought, and turned toward the entrance of the hut.
He stretched, studying the village from his door. Smoke rose up from behind some of the huts, reminding him of a fire that had once raged among his people’s homes. He could still hear the screams of that night from time to time while laying in bed, waiting for sleep and knowing the horrors that faced him when it did, though he considered his nightmares preferable to the ghosts of his past.
Uneasy from his current view, Euticus turned toward The Birthing Pond, shimmering just beyond the village. Fishing boats rocked from side to side in its calm waters, and a couple of them drifted, their owners already having pushed off for the day.
The Tales told of a man who would be king, and that the people of the Valley would know him when he skipped a stone from one shore of the pond to the other. He had long ago lost count of how many days he had wasted in this pursuit, though the fact that he could skip a stone farther than anyone else in the village brought a smile to his lips.
His eyes were then drawn to the distant mountains, ghostly shadows of their mid afternoon majesty in the morning fog. Their faces glowed red and pink with the light of dawn, blushing from the horrible secrets they kept in the night, secrets which sought fit to lurk within Euticus’ dreams.
“Ay! Euticus!” someone called. The voice belonged to Arlen Hawk, who waved from his place at the head of a formation of hunters. They followed stoically behind Hawk, their skin shining with boar’s blood and their shoulders draped with the pelts of black bears. The Antlers of fallen deer hung from their loin cloths, sharpened to a fine point in order to bleed whatever kill they made this day. He nodded respectfully in reply, watching them stride into the forest. Next harvest he would join their ranks and finally regain some sense of purpose.
Euticus inhaled. The morning displayed beauty on the surface, but his anxiety refused to dissipate. The sound of care free singing drifting lightly from down the road only served to compound it.
O, what will this season bring?
Love and hope for everything?
I hope the season will bring for me
Love and Warmth and happy dreams
The words faded into humming and Julie rounded a bend in the road, followed closely by Ben, the man that Euticus considered his second best friend.
Only Julie came first.
Her shoulder length red hair took on a life of its own in the morning sun, drowning out all other beauty in the world. Her face, awash in happiness, testified all that anyone needed to know; she would be bound at the end of the week…to Ben.
Julie saw Euticus and smiled, but he did not smile back.
“Why so glum?” Julie asked mockingly, joining him.
"Yeah, Euie," Ben said, leaning against the remains of a fence. "Why so glu..."
The fence creaked and began to drift under his weight, cutting him off. Julie fought laughter, and even Euticus smiled.
"Watch your self," he said. "I've been meaning to fix it but, you know..."
"Right…Euticus the Brave, stooping to manual labor? Psh…"
"Ben..." Julie said, putting a hand on his shoulder to silence him. "Play nice."
"Yeah, Ben," Euticus said. "Behave."
Ben's shoulders rose with a restraining breath, though his eyes told Euticus what he really wanted to do.
"What possesses you two, lately?" Julie asked. "Ever since Papa Blue died both of you have constantly been at each other's throats."
"I suppose that's my fault," Euticus said. "I'm angry, and I have been taking it out on the wrong people...maybe."
Euticus focused that last maybe on Ben, who looked away.
"I know how you must feel," Julie said. "My father also died in a hunting accident, but two harvests have since passed, Euie. That can not be the only thing bothering you."
Yes, but your father died trying to protect his hunt partner. Mine died because his hunt partner ran away... Euticus thought, his eyes still on Ben. Euticus ran a hand over his face and looked back out over the village. Ever since that day, when Ezekiel Bluejay had gone into the woods with Jared Crow and not come out again, this place had become empty.
"Shouldn't the two of you be making plans?" he asked.
"Can't argue there," Ben said, uncrossing his arms. "Come on Julie."
"You go on," she said without turning from Euticus, waving Ben away. "I'm not letting Eue off that easy."
Ben's jaw tightened, perhaps ready to grab her and pull her along with him, but one look at Euticus and the rigidity of his spine seemed to disappear. He slunk away, saying, "Alright then. Catch up with me later."
"I will," Julie said, sparing him a glance, and Euticus noted how it lingered sadly before returning to him.
She stepped forward and put a hand on his bare shoulder. He tensed under her touch and reluctantly turned away. His eyes came to rest on the children playing. The girl managed to catch one of the boys, and judging from the fit the boy threw she had guessed his name.
Julie laughed at the sight, and said, "Reminds me of some one I know."
Euticus smirked, remembering how he had reacted when Julie danced around after catching him. It had not been a welcoming reaction. His smirk disappeared.
"If memory serves correctly," he said, "I believe I made you cry."
"It serves correctly, sir," she said, "Though only partially."
Euticus raised a curious eyebrow. "Oh?"
"M-hm, because after you made me cry I slapped you. I remember clearly. You went quiet and got all red, and then your lip started to quiver...oh it was so adorable..."
"Yeah yeah," Euticus said, losing interest. He went over to the tree in the lot next to his hut, plucked an apple, and began eating. Behind him, Julie cleared her throat. He turned to find her with arms crossed, the bottom of her buck skin skirt bobbing with displeasure while she tapped her foot.
"What?" he said through a mouthful of apple.
"You know very well what. I would like an apple, please, and you know I can't reach the good ones."
Euticus swallowed and lazily reached up, plucking an apple from the branch. He tossed it to her, saying, "You know, you used to be taller than me."
Julie caught the apple and said, "Things change."
Euticus did not say anything to that and took another bite, leaning back against the tree while chewing. She followed and sat next to him, munching on her apple.
"I've been thinking..."
"Uh-oh…"
"Shut up," she said. "And listen. I've been thinking about the past...good gods, the past. You know what my mama always says?"
Euticus shook his head, throwing the rest of the apple away along with his appetite.
"She says, 'you know you are getting old when you have a past to think about.'"
"I like that," Euticus said, nodding. "Know what my father always told me?"
"What's that?" Julie asked, leaning forward.
“Death can be conquered.”
Euticus saw Julie shiver.
He sat, closing his eyes and running his hand over the grass. It felt springy under his touch, and left a slight tingling sensation in his palm as he lifted it away. Beside him he heard Julie shift, crossing her legs under her.
“Anyway…” she said. “I've been thinking about all the stuff we used to do together, like your asinine scheme to see how deep the Birthing Pool goes, or that time we tried to find the remains of the Death Widow. You were always an adventurer, unlike the rest of us, until…”
“My father.”
“Huh? Yes. After that, things changed. You always dragged us on your adventures, and though we may not have acted like it at the time, we appreciated it. Ben and I always had fun because of you.”
Euticus felt his stomach tighten and his eyes begin to glaze.
“So, what’s your point?”
“Just that, well, just because Ben and I are being Bound doesn’t mean we'll forget you.”
He tried to suppress the emotion welling up in his chest, but a sudden, gasping breath betrayed his composure.
“That's it, isn't it? You're worried about the Binding."
She paused, waiting for confirmation, and took his silence for the answer she wanted.
"You know,” Julie began, “Of all the things we did, that first little foray of ours remains the clearest. You remember, right? When we went looking for the Temple of Life?”
Euticus nodded slowly. How could he ever forget that night? How could he ever forget what he had seen, with his dreams reminding him almost every night of that gray skinned, winged horror?
“I fell," Julie went on, "And you pulled me out. You saved me. That is why I remember it. You went to investigate that awful sound, and Ben the Chickenhearted left, and I followed you. I can’t remember what you found…”
“I found nothing,” Euticus lied.
“Somehow, I don’t believe you,” Julie said.
“What?”
“Every time some one brings it up, your face goes flush, like you’re terrified of something.”
“I said I found nothing,” Euticus snapped, and Julie shrank away from him, the first time she had ever done so. She waited before going on with what she really wanted to say.
“Let’s go see it,” she said.
“What?”
“The Temple. Let’s go see it, just you and me, no Ben. I want to see it, Euticus. You do too, I can tell. Part of you believes you can still skip that stone…”
“I haven’t skipped stones in years.”
“So you say, Euie," she said, moving closer to him, so close that he could feel her breath on his neck when she spoke. His fingers stopped pawing the grass and clamped down on a handful of cold soil. "But I’ve seen you from my window at night, standing on the shore of the Birthing Pool, holding a stone in your hand. You never throw it, but I can see that you want to. Come on! Just us. It’ll be fun.”
“What about Ben? If you tell him he’ll say no, or want to come along...”
“Forget about Ben,” Julie said abruptly. “He doesn’t own me. Not yet, not until the end of the week...”
Euticus did not know what to make of this reaction, and said nothing. Still, hearing her say those words placed a weight in his heart.
“Forget it,” she said, standing. “I’ll just go by myself.”
“Huh? Wait, Julie...”
She whirled around, and one look at her face told Euticus that she would indeed go alone if that were her only option. She had always been like that, and he could not let her go wandering aimlessly around the forest. Besides, part of him still yearned to see the Temple. A rather large part of him wanted to, in fact. An even larger part just wanted to spend time with her.
“I’ll come. Let me get dressed.”
Julie’s face nearly split when he answered, and she clapped.
“I’ll wait right here.”
* * *
“Stay close,” he said. Julie clung to him, and they stepped onto the old road. It had been ten years since they had last embarked on this journey, and foliage grew thick over the old path. It took only a few moments before their clothing began to cling to their skin from the humidity, and their discomfort replaced fear.
“Hey, look!” Julie said, coming to a place along the ancient road where the ground sloped away. “This is where I fell.”
Euticus gave the spot only a cursory glance, his mind focused on a spot further up the road and to the right, about two hundred yards into the forest. He had found the gray demon there, stuck under a fallen tree with black ooze bubbling from its strange mouth. It had not possessed any teeth, but something like a beak, lined with strange, flexible strands of writhing flesh. Once it saw him, it began clawing in the dirt, gurgling on its own blood. Even facing death it only seemed to want one thing: to kill him.
Julie's hand on his shoulder pulled him back to the present, and he turned to find her smiling gently up at him. Euticus began to think that he cared less about ever getting to the Temple, just so he could continue spending the seconds of his life like this, alone with her, while she belonged to no one but her self.
“Do you even know how to find this temple?” Julie asked some time later, noting the late hour.
“At the base of the mountains, directly east of the village. The road leads right to it.”
“Are we still on the road?”
“Yes.” Euticus pointed to a couple of ruts in the ground. He grinned, confident in this fact, and the doubt on her face eased.
"Okay, then. Lead on," she said. Euticus thought it odd that she would trust him so blindly. After all, he had never actually been to the temple...no one had, save his father, assuming his stories were true.
It mattered little in that moment, however. They were children again.
The trees helped keep them shaded, despite the sun being directly overhead. The humidity intensified throughout the day, and in some places, they could see steam rising from pools of water. An increasing unease began to creep over them when both realized there seemed to be no signs of life. No sound, no movement. The hunters had a name for this place: The Death Maw. No one save Euticus’ father had ever gone beyond it.
“I think we’re getting close,” Euticus said, moving slowly. An hour later, they entered a clearing.
“Oh, my…” Julie said when they broke the tree line. The mountains appeared no closer, and the sun had begun setting behind them. Euticus sighed, the excitement vanishing from his face.
“We should turn back,” he said. “They’ll be missing you in the village.”
“No,” Julie argued. “Let’s keep going. At least camp. Yes, let’s camp. I’d rather camp here than walk in the forest at night, agree?”
“Julie, I don’t think…
“I don’t care what you think!” she yelled. Euticus jumped back.
“I…I’m sorry, Eue. I didn’t mean to be cross. Please. Let’s just camp.”
Euticus did not press the matter. They were not going to make it back to the village before nightfall, anyway.
“We'll camp here. I’ll get a fire started.”
Julie helped him gather the driest wood they could find, and in a few minutes, they had a fire going. They settled opposite each other, watching the dancing flames. Euticus stole a glance at her, shifting in the awkward silence. He began to say something when Julie asked, “Do you think we’ll be happy?”
"What do you mean?"
“Ben and I. Do you think we’ll be happy once we are Bound?”
Euticus began to say something wise, but swallowed his usual sarcasm when he saw the concern that darkened her face.
“Why wouldn’t you be? You and Ben are getting along, aren't you?”
“Mostly. It’s just…he’s so…”
“Dull.”
“Yes...I mean...no...I...yeah.”
Euticus began to laugh, and Julie blushed.
“I can’t believe you’re laughing at something like this. I’m having doubts about being Bonded to a man I believe I love, and you treat it like a joke...”
“Sorry. You want to hear what I think?”
“I’m not so sure…”
“Too bad. You love him?”
She briefly hesitated, then nodded. Euticus ignored the hesitation and continued.
“Then consider yourself lucky. The Binding ceremony rarely occurs out of love. And I know how Ben feels about you. He’s probably pulling his hair out right about now.”
Julie laughed at the image. “You’re right, but…there’s more, and it’s about you.”
Euticus jumped. “Me? What do I have to do with anything?”
“You under appreciate your role in our lives. You’re like a brother to Ben, and me, well…”
“Well, what?”
“I never forgot about that time I..." she stopped, looking away "...guessed your name." Euticus could make out the fire dancing in the tears on her face. Unsure of what to do, he folded his hands in his lap, waiting it out.
“I love you both, so much,” she said after a long moment. “But I know I can’t have you both. And he asked me first and …”
“I’m not even an issue, Julie,” Euticus said, thinking it funny that Ben the Chickenhearted had found the guts to ask Julie for her hand before Euticus the Brave. Euticus the Foolish. “You join with Ben. He…”
“He what?”
“He returns your love.”
Julie backed away. “What? What about you?”
“No,” he said. “Not in that way.”
Julie shook her head. "You’re lying. You just don’t want to be a problem…”
“I’m not…”
“Quiet! You’ve always tried to act like you’re unimportant, but you are. You’ve helped shape my life. You are a part of it. You can’t ignore that. I won’t let you.”
“Julie…”
She stopped him with a kiss, freezing him, but when her lips pressed fully against his he melted and showed his lie by returning her passion. Soon they lay entwined by the warmth of the fire, their hands exploring each other, finding their way under their deer skin tunics, the warmth of their flesh flowing into each other. Thunder grew in their bellies and their lips tasted one another passionately, almost greedily.
Euticus tasted salt on Julie’s face, and he stopped to look at her, and found her crying again. These were a different breed of tears, however.
“Why are you stopping?” she asked. Her eyes glistened in the fire, and something in them that he had never seen before, something both good and bad, beckoned to him, but he knew that if he let it take him, he could not turn back.
“I can’t do this,” he said, though the rest of him shouted otherwise. Julie reached up and ran her palm over his face, then down, grazing over his chest and coming to a rest between his legs.
“I won’t leave Ben, but I want you before I lose the chance. Please, Euticus. Love me…”
“Ben will know when…”
“No, he won’t. We’ve already been together.”
Euticus tried to speak, but his lips only trembled. Looking at her now he realized all that they had come through. His skin rippled, longing for her touch, and had he not loved her so he might have given in…
“Take them!” cried a voice too familiar to both of their ears, and in the next instant, arms much stronger than his own pulled Euticus away from Julie and slammed him into the dirt.
Julie screamed and stood, grabbing a piece of wood from the fire. She prepared to hurl the torch at their attackers when someone grabbed her wrist from behind. The wood fell and she turned to face Ben’s cold eyes.
"Ben...oh no..."
“What should we do, Benjamin?” One of the men holding Euticus said. “Death?”
“No!” Julie screamed and tried to run at them, but Ben held her back.
“He will not be killed. Brother will not kill Brother. Take him to the Temple that he wanted so badly to see, and block the entrance. Give him a weeks worth of food and water. That should be enough for him to find the other side.”
“Ben!” Julie said, struggling against Ben's hold, which only tightened.
“Quiet, Julie. You share his blame. Consider yourself lucky that I don't do the same to you.”
“If you do this Ben, I’ll never forgive you, I swear! The Binding is off!”
Ben smiled. “Then you go with him.”
“No!” Euticus yelled.
“Shut up, filth,” one of the men said, striking him.
“Euie...!”
“Let him speak,” Ben said. “And don’t dare strike him again, unless necessary.”
“Julie,” Euticus said, and Ben let her go. She ran to Euticus and held him.
“Euie, I’m sorry…”
“Shut up and listen. Don’t be stupid. Go with Ben. He’s right…”
“What? No...no, it can’t be like that…”
“Julie, listen. Don’t throw this chance away…”
“But…it’s my fault…”
“Yes. But it’s mine, too. Go.”
Julie looked back at Ben, then Euticus.
“If you love us, go to Ben,” Euticus said, and, reluctantly, she made up her mind. He watched her go, and the men fell upon him, holding his arms behind his back.
Ben stepped forward before Euticus, who made no move to break free. Ben placed a hand on Euticus’ forehead and whispered, "This is partly what you want, isn't it? A way out, guilt free. Just...free. Simple. Hm...and they call me a coward...
“Go, Euticus. Live well, and know I will always consider you a brother.” He removed his hand and spoke to his men. “Take him now, and do exactly what I said.”
The men took Euticus away. Euticus and Julie kept their eyes locked until Euticus and the men disappeared into the forest. Ben turned and walked to Julie.
“Julie….” He began.
“Don’t talk to me,” she said, walking away. Ben followed close behind her. The last man watched them go, and then caught up to the others.
"Ben’s gone," he said.
"Good," said another. "Let's give this bastard what he deserves."
Euticus began to struggle, unable to do much before the man not holding him kicked him between the legs. Almost unbearable pain shot up through his stomach and he crumpled to the ground. The blows came in a storm of dust. Tears squirted out of his eyes, making mud on his face, but he did not cry out. The beating seemed to last forever, on and on until after the world slipped away.
He wanted this, after all.
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tstone reviewed Version 1 -
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“Alright then. Catch up with me later.” – As per your reviewers’ notes, the phrase seems a bit modern. Maybe: “Find me later.” Same thing a few paragraphs down: ””Yeah yeah,” Euticus said,”—nothing major, but disrupts the flow a bit.
The narration is good. I would simply keep an eye on the dialogue. As stated above, there are a few instances where the dialogue is not necessarily wrong, but a bit inconsistent with the archaic feel you’ve established. I realize that this must be a difficult task: trying to keep the dialogue natural, while also accurate for the period/genre. But I feel that this detail could really make or break a piece such as this.
Overall, nicely written. No grammar problems of note. The prologue is great -- it plants a foreboding seed that carries the reader through the tediousness that comes when trying to establish an entire world, (which, by the way, is done intricately and descriptively.) My only criticism would be that the “forbidden love” concept, though necessary to the story, is possibly a little rushed and predictable. Julie is a bit too transparent. Her “resistance” is paper-thin; her character is nearly as one-dimensional as as a tree or rock. She should either A.) be extremely torn between Euticus and Ben, or B.) blatantly resent her engagement -- anything to give her character some teeth.
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DC_Karma reviewed Version 2 -
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Sill looking for input on flow, character, world, and plot development, as well as period specific inconsistancies in the writing. Any other problems you see and suggestions are welcome as well.
“The blood of a mother and an unborn sister…” While this sounds really good, it implies, to me, that the killer is also her son with the use of the word unborn sister and the only other character mentioned thus far is the killer.
”...a perverse phallus…” the wording in the end of this line is wonderful, and this adds a very morose mood to the already sad visuals.
“He opened his eyes and shook his head…” I found this paragraph to be a bit unclear and difficult to follow.
“blushing from the horrible secrets they kept in the night…” really good line! Great effect and imagery!
”...judging from the fit the boy threw she had guessed his name.” That’s funny. I like how it is tied in with the earlier thoughts of Euticus.
Julie’s character seems very well formed. Her actions and dialogue are easy to follow and visualize. Euticus is the main character and seems to be very mysterious, or hard to read. But I think that is his poersonality and I think it works well so far in the story (about 50% through). His feelings for Julie are becoming clear, though.
The brief description of the creature that had tried to attack them twenty years ago on the same path is very well done. It is descriptive and adds good visual and let’s us glimpse his terror of this thing that wanted him so badly. The permanent marks left in the spot is a nice touch.
Ahhh…he denied his love for her. And she’s still arguing with him. Again, very good characterization. It is exactly what I would expect from a stubborn girl like Julie. She doesn’t stray from her personality; good job on that.
Awww…they kissed. Quit catching me offguard like that! ;)
Oh, busted!
If Ben has acquired the name coward, he doesn’t seem to act in that way. And how would someone with the coward attached to the end of their name have men follow them? And worry that he was gone before they beat Euticus? Maybe consider adding that he was known as that as a child, and perhaps stood up for himself once and effectively changed his nickname. Just a thought; I found it hard to believe anyone would follow orders from him.
Great job on the story so far; keep up the good work!
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 2 -
Read 89% of the Item
Ah, this piece has seen some improving! Not that it was bad to begin with, but it reads much smoother now.
I really like the dream sequence revision. It moves quickly and seamlessly. You did an excellent job of showing the action. This didn’t occur to me last time, but the use of present tense here was a good choice.
“Darkness lingered in Euticus’ waking mind.” Great sentence and a perfect one to transition into E’s reality. Further, I like how the sensory details are revealed—The sounds, the smells, the breeze. But just one thing . . . When people wake up from a nightmare, don’t they tend to wake up with eyes wide open? If you can find a way to make it work, that’s cool, if not, it’s probably not a huge dealbreaker.
Julie’s description is done really well, “Julie’s shoulder length…”
what my mama always / Mama
”...like your asinine scheme to see…” I’m not sure “asinine” fits with the overall tone that’s been established. For some reason that word splinters out and makes me squint a little.
Right up until the scene break (* * *) I thought the dialog was handled superbly. There was a good balance of speech, setting, and the thoughts of E. At this point, it’s good to give the reader a bit of rest from the dialog (Which you’ve done). But instead of having a scene break, consider just throwing down a few paragraphs of what Julie does. Perhaps even have E mentally rehash the previous part to emphasize important points that the reader might have missed. There’s the part about his father dying after being abandoned in the hunt . . . Maybe make it obviously clear why he and J are going to the Death Maw. This part was lost on me.
The dialog that follows has some descriptive parts to it, but I’d humbly suggest throwing a couple of paragraphs (perhaps 50-100 words each?) somewhere in there. You could get really descriptive, but in the context of this, subtly remind the reader of the reasons E and J decide to camp.
The scene where they kiss is sweet but I think it takes too long to get there. I understand the need to explain the situation, but the dialog is back and forth like a ping pong ball. Maybe it’s just me. As stated previously, the dialog up until the scene break I thought was a great balance.
The talent shown here is brilliant. It’s just a few kinks in the mechanics that need to get worked out. Overall, I thought it was great, keep up the good work.
-Curt
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“The blood of a mother and unborn sister runs free…” I think this should be daughter, or perhaps just baby. Unless of course, the killer is the son.
“…ever seen anything more frightening…” The way this reads now, it sounds like the killer is frightened, not the boy.
“The boy manages to grab a knife…” This I think, should be shown in action instead of just being “told” to the reader. This is a kid and the way it’s described, he just walks up to a man and grabs his knife. With the way it’s described, I have problems with suspending my disbelief.
The prologue was set up decently, but I really didn’t get a sense of the surrounding scene. The only clues to this are the warmth of the air and the light spilling into the door.
Ahh . . . A dream, I should’ve known. I’m not sure however, that this needs to be labeled a prologue as it’s not really an introduction, but just part of the story’s opening. As for the “unborn sister” part, I see what you were going for now, although the viewpoint is from that of the killer. Dream scenes are tricky. Their effect is usually one of, “Aha! I gotcha!” on the part of the writer to the reader.
“He tried to deny the sweat…” I’m not sure this works. I think someone can try to deny their hunger or thirst. Not so much their sweat.
I think the story really starts to pick up when he hears the crack of wood being broken and smells the bacon and eggs. Nice sensory description!
sound of care free / carefree
Watch your self,” he said. / yourself
I had trouble keeping with the story because the last half of this chapter seems to be all dialog. After a while, I’d completely lost track of the scene, what the characters looked like, and what they were doing while they talked. A good point is that for the most part, the dialog flows naturally. There’s just so much of it!
Overall a well-written piece. I’d just try to imagine the story in your head as you’re writing it. If even for only a moment, you can’t visualize what’s happening—see it in the mind’s eye—there’s no way the reader is going to be able to picture the setting either. Hope this helps.
-Curt
Harold_P reviewed Version 1 -
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To deal with the requests:
Flow: The writing has a natural ebb and, ehm… flow to it. Moments of tension are done well and with a certain elegance. The opening for example establishes the tense, sparse and neat descriptions. I would be cautious of redundant phrases such as ‘sun-browned’ as, although fine, lack the immediacy of style of the rest, i.e. since they more obvious comparisons. Switching from present to past tense is a cinematic flourish that I found delectable.
Character: I found taking historical characters and imbuing them with modern traits and effective hook for this piece of fiction. The whole idea seems to be to thwart the reader’s expectations. This is certainly done here.
World: It is hard to get a real sense of the scale of this world from this dialogue heavy submission. In terms of an alternate reality, I was unsure as it seemed to be grounded in this one, despite some elegant descriptions. I think you straddle real/fabricated worlds well.
Plot: The writing is clear, and the plot is also made explicit from the beginning. I see no problems understanding what takes place here.
Best,
Harold
acdoyler reviewed Version 1 -
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solid editing, good sentence structure. good writing skills. good dialog. very clear.
this is probably the best sci fi/fantasy story i’ve read on here. the text is clean, the action and reaction of the characters realistic even in their own alternate reality. again: it’s solid, it’s good.
the description, the story line, and your vocabulary are all…well…boring. solidly boring. concisely boring. technically polished, boring. this stuff has been done a hundred times. now i grew up reading stephen r. donaldson, tolkien, and eddings. but why is your goal the trite and true hero villian thing? with an assortment of moral gordian knots and side characters to flesh it out.
a great novel opens people’s eyes, changes lives, and most of all teaches. as writers we take universal emotions, lessons, and ethics and communicate them with a fresh voice and original insights specific to our own life experiences, translated through fiction. maybe you feel you exercise your imagination to a greater degree than contemporary or social fiction, and that’s the challenge you desire. but people read fantasy writing to escape reality. regular fiction shows them alternative lives they can identify with, learn from, and thus grow.
of course it could all come down to taste. that’s what you like to do. i respect your talent and hard work. but the genre you’ve chosen somewhat dumbs down your work to cliched circumstances.
i could cite the work and pick at your vocabulary. say it’s mundane. give examples of word choices that i think are banal. but why waste both our time with that? for your genre you’ve executed excellently. i prefer lines like:
‘she aspires after promises within the smoked glass, muting the ricocheted thoughts cracking against the inside of her skull; her midforties greyringed wiry hair (she thinks of it as argent)shocked out of the bun, kinked and screamy.’
but that’s just me. i give you all tens with the hope you won’t refund this review and think of it as a waste. but my request to you is: join the ranks of us toiling over explaining and coming to grips with our lives through our stories. you have the skills.
andersda reviewed Version 1 -
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The is a nice quest piece. It flows nicely, and it has legs. There is good character development between Julie and Euie. Not so much with Ben, but, so far, he’s a minor player. Of the things you asked about, the nature of the world they live in is least developed. I don’t see that as a problem, though, because the chapter accomplishes what you want it to. I have noted inconsistancies and minot issues.
on his face and neck from a basin
“leaned against the edge” edge is undefined. Edge if what. could delete.
“weathered by mere thoughts” mere doesn’t work needs to be more.
him. When it did, though, he considered
“Pond” seems inconsistant with the image you’ve created.
care-free
the steel in his spine seemed to disappear
He slunk away.
“Alright then,” he said. “Catch up with me later.”
“Julie said, sparing him…this sentence doesn’t work.
“losing interest.” you open with that scene and return to it wit hno interest on his part or is he only feigning no interest.
“Shut up,” she said. “And listen. attribute should go in natural breaks “Shut up, and listen,” she said.
“his eyes begin to glaze” incvonsistent with tightening stomach.
“I don’t believe you. Any time anyone brings it up you look terrified.”
him wanted to, but an even larger part of him just wanted to spend
“Julie helped him gather the driest wood” if nothing lived in the maw of death there would be no trees.
“something wise” sarcastic is not wise. He could have been making a wise-crack.
“right about now” delete about.
“Euticus and Julie kept their eyes locked” would he have looked at her?
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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This really well done, quite engrossing. The world is believable. The characters come to life, and the flow for the most part is excellent. Just a few minor suggestions….
“sense of cold that settles over her body from the inside out.” This seems like a disconnect. The rest of the prologue is written from the killer’s perspective, yet this is something he couldn’t know.
“or more likely, accusing.
“Euticus…” If she was speaking her son’s name why would her voice be accusing?
“waiting for sleep and knowing” This would flow better if you take out ‘and.’
“to a fine point” to fine points
“care free” carefree
“drowning out all other beauty in the world.” This is a little much.
“Julie asked mockingly,” Why would she mock him? Try to avoid adding adverbs to dialogue tags.
“Julie laughed at the sight, and said,” delete ‘and said.’ It’s not needed.
“Euticus said, losing interest.” Euticus lost interest.
“Euticus did not say anything to that and took another bite,” Euticus took another bite.
“I’ve been thinking…” Does he interrupt her? If so, use an em dash. Same for the next line.
“he heard Julie shift, crossing her legs under her.” If his eyes were closed how does he know she’s crossing her legs under her?
“the week…” week….” Three dots for the ellipse and one for the period.
Powerful ending! I’d really like to read more.
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