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Humor/Satire / Dear Abbie
Dear Abbie
I’d love to write a blockbuster novel. Make lots of money and retire.
Any ideas?
Regards
Aspiring Writer
Dear AW
I’ve looked at the bestselling books over the past few years and they only cover two subjects. I need you to tell me a couple of things first.
1) What do you know about wizards?
2) Tell me about the abuse in your childhood
Once I have your answers I should be able to help
Love Abbie.
Dear Abbie
Thanks for your promise of help. In answer to your queries.
1) I’m amazed that Roy Wood is still touring and although I'm fond of "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday", my favourite will always be Slade’s "Merry Christmas Everybody".
2) There was no abuse when I was very young. I probably started to abuse myself when I was about thirteen. But didn’t everyone?
Thanks again
Aspiring Writer.
Dear AW
Your letter arrived in the post a little damaged. From the little I could retrieve from the dog's jaws I understand that abuse took place in your early teenage years. Is that right? Abuse is a terrible thing. You must try to record every episode in as much detail as possible.
Your friend
Abbie
Dear Abbie
As you suggested I’ve been remembering the abuse from when I was a teenager and it’s been very hard.
I’ve been trying to write down my memories of each episode but you must know that sometimes abuse occurred at least daily, and sometime two or three times.
Like most teenagers I thought this type of abuse completely normal.
Are you telling me that it isn’t?
Looking forward to your response
Aspiring Writer
Dear AW
Whoever was responsible for your abuse must be made to pay and there is no better way than exposure of the perpetrator in print.
Best wishes
Abbie
PS Having re-read your previous letters I am starting to wonder whether you may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick.
Dear Abbie
The wrong end? Hell, it’s not long enough to choose which end to get hold of!
Anyway, I’ve been trying to remember what brought on the abuse. If I recall it was mainly the Littlewoods catalogue, lingerie section. Do you think I could sue?
To help me with my research do you think I could have a signed photo?
All the best
Aspiring Writer
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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lol Abby really did look his first letter. Right away I got what he was talking about and while reading her responses couldnt help but laugh and roll my eyes.
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Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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tsubasa129 reviewed Version 1 -
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I have no idea if i’m right, the aspiring writer must have been a model or was she the assistant to Abbie.
dailyfukkery reviewed Version 1 -
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Very funny, I it made me laugh! The miscommunication, the stab at the Harry Potter/memoir craze, it all went together nicely. Well done.
Emalie reviewed Version 1 -
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Haha that is amusing, and I can see how the confusion could actually happen too. Well done!
yang reviewed Version 1 -
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Went downhill. Was funny at first, but I think it’s because you tried to make a magazine appear violent to someone in a literal sense that made it a tad dry at the end. Maybe if the ending somehow involved wizards as well as childhood abuse? I think it’s easier to make something fantasy related funny than something like childhood abuse by itself. I can’t think of anything personally, but if I did think of it, you wouldn’t be the one writing then. Sorry, it’s the end that needs work.
AllMyLoveC reviewed Version 1 -
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I wish you could come up with more Dear Abbie parodies! I love them… comedy like this anyways… good job! = )
Dayle reviewed Version 1 -
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Firstly I loved the reference to the band ‘Wizard’ rather than the very obvious reference to ‘Harry Potter’.
The Littlewoods line is hilarious and almost makes the piece. All in all this is a good set of letters. I’d definelty like to read Abbies response to the last letter!
rinpoche reviewed Version 1 -
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This is hilarious on multiple levels – and I love to see this published somewhere.
First: You poke fun of the whole advice letter paradigm, but also the publishing industry. And the whole thing culminates in a masturbation joke. Bravo.
I love the classic “humor from misunderstanding” take. I also really like the eniding.
thesnoopyone reviewed Version 1 -
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It was cute. i chuckled and I guess that was the whole point. Great poke at advice columnists.
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