He is miserable. I have posted some works in progress for initial input re: interest level, believability, constructive crit., etc. Would love for you to look at some of other work.
Short Story / My Family Has a Steph Infection or (Adultery and Betrayal) (Analysis)
A nasty destructive bug attacked my husband one year ago. It began as anxiety, sleepless nights and the need to work long hours, even weekends. He had mishandled a toxic chemical causing the breakdown of cerebral function. In his dulled state he further injured himself, noticeable, only to only him, by the open wounds growing on the inside and out.
He worked hard to keep his illness a secret. However, the strange hours he kept caught my attention, I assumed there was a problem, one he did not want to share.
Concerned I confronted him and encouraged him to get help. He never refused and never agreed.
I went to a party with him one evening to see how he was relating to other people since the problem had reared its ugly head. It did not take long to identify the carrier of the disease that was wreaking havoc on my beloved friend, lover, confidante and father of our children. The source of the infection stood out and the carrier could not hide the escalating fear of knowing that I was about to obliterate it, pulling out all stops and weapons needed to fight such a fierce invader; a Steph infection.
The unknown is the scary part but once you know the disease you can make treatment decisions. Personal choices based on the desired outcome. My choice was to work a strong, even, offence/defence play. Too much was at stake and there was still the hope of a cure. But no matter how I played, the ball was intercepted and fumbled.
I watched him fading more each day and when he chose to skip our annual vacation trip and suggested I take the kids by myself, I knew his days were numbered. With great worry I began to research via the internet for treatments and cures for this disease. It did not take long to see that the face of this life altering invader was the same face I had seen at the party. The disease was so proud of its ability to destroy that it posted a twisted picture of itself burying my husband in its tentacles.
Once the diagnoses of a Steph infection was made, I realized that I was witnessing the end of a once wonderful human being taken away by this degenerative, destructive power. His ability to fight off the infection became less and less of a possibility.
The Steph infection tried to penetrate my being by presenting itself as a mild, caring parasite. I was already aware of the nature of this disgusting beast and was able to refrain from being tricked by this elaborate, deliberate, awful attacker.
I fought hard but this shameless, careless bitch of rotting stench and her fangs of poison had already taken my husbands’ mind and soul. Waiting for an end to the horror was the only thing we could do.
I believe the infection became angry with me at my tactics to fight it off. But after watching my husband succumb to this angry actor, I realized that I needed to pull out all stops to keep the infection from reaching my children. It was not possible.
I have been told that these types of killers often take their victims. Eventually my husband became a statistic. I left the house for a short while one day and when I returned, he was gone; Taken away by this mad disease.
The Stef infection began to directly affect my children and myself. Our lives were turned upside down. Their father was gone. Our ability to survive on our own was limited if not impossible. The infection affected our hearts and our minds, causing the children to suffer in ways I will never know. I had to see this ferocious systemic annihilator destroy my family. The pain was so unbearable at times I thought I would die; but I didn’t.
I am still here. Feeling and wearing the wounds of the Steph Infection that left me alone. Alone to watch my children struggle with the side effects of a disease that takes many a man. Were we lucky to survive? Sometimes I think yes, sometimes I question what I think.
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Russell_Parkway reviewed Version 2 -
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What you did well is transmit the pain the narrator is experiencing to the reader.
I cannot honestly find anything wrong with this short story/poem.
What I would have liked to see a bit more of was the impact this Steph infection had on the children. The narrator talks about them, but a bit more showing could help too.
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sjvance reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this very much. The way you describe adultery as an infection, is so true, and is a very inventive way to present this heartbreaking information. I gave you low on the poetry criteria because this is not poetry. I wonder if you are so talented at writing on a subject that isn’t as life changing as this subject is. Minor grammar or spelling errors you can catch and correct. I would like to see it expanded to include what the “disease” did to you, your mind, body and soul, by taking away your husband. I hope he is miserable by the way! Good job.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow, this is powerful and what an original way to present such an ugly story.
Obviously still very painful and understandably so.
Curiously enough, what you are doing, writing is probably one of the best things you could do under the circumstance.
I really find your work itself almost letter perfect. I could make a couple of suggestions but they would simply be my personal preferences rather that a “better” way; so I will refrain.
I truly hope you and the children will bounce back from this. Something tells me that you are a fighter and you will overcome.
Were there a criteria to rate it would be a 10
jim
TrevorSamuels reviewed Version 1 -
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Very unique perspective! Well written, easy to follow. Grammmar, spelling, punctuation and sentence structure are also excellent. I can’t really critique it though, it works as written. Well done!
Razzer123 reviewed Version 1 -
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I see your point about it being sad. I take it Steph is the name of the woman/girl who steal husbands. But you’re wrong – any man susceptible to a Steph infection is not actually worth saving. The only known defence against a Steph infection is an anti-bacterial agent called loyalty.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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This ends a bit too soon for me. I could have kept reading. Fine idea. But how does one fight the Steph infection? This seems to be a natural second part to this.
Most of your paragraphs begin with “I”. Most people won’t notice this, but you could mix this up a bit.
Proofreading notes:
it’s degenerative = its
it’s infectious nature = its
children and myself = children and I
Alone to watch my (fragment)
first hand = first-hand
Brynn reviewed Version 1 -
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This ones a toughy to review. Its definately NOT humour or satire, but was so good that I didnt want to rate it down for being put in the wrong category. Its heavy, and hurts because it is so true. I loved the word play on Steph/Staph and the comparison. Staph infections work just like that too, eating away at your flesh, rotting it and spreading black stench over beautiful pink skin. With ease you managed to make the reader hate Stephanie, even though she was never even mentioned in that way. Very good. This piece has a VERY wide audience as it relates to the children of that marriage, the husband, wife and EVEN the Steph! lol Once you reached the part about saving your children was when it hit me in the heart. VERY WELL DONE! The only suggestion I have and its more of an opinion really, is the VERY final line, just didnt flow for me as well. It seems detatched from the rest of a very emotional piece. I dont really know how you would fix it but for me switched from “heartfelt story” to “medical text” in that one line. Maybe it was on purpose? not sure but overall extremely well done. Sombre and truthful.
Eve
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’d of rated this a 9 were it a blog, I totally understand this and have experienced it less children. These situations are awful and take a while to recover from. I love how you liken this person to a desease, which is what these people are.
Well written, no typo’s noted
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